Work Text:
7 days until launch. My cell was cold and empty, as it usually was. Who knew solitary confinement could be so lonely? That was a bad joke. I think I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better at this point (it's not working very well). I haven't seen a face besides a guard's in days, it’s taking a toll on me I think. I never was the most sociable, but even just a few days in here alone is making me stir crazy. The cot is hard and uncomfortable, the small window only lets a little light in making the cell constantly dim, and the small toilet in the corner has barely enough water in it to work properly. It’s miserable, I’m miserable.
No amount of screaming or crying is going to magically open my cell door and let me go, it’s hopeless. There is no escape for me. I should just reconcile with the fact I’m doomed.
-
5 days until launch and I can't go. I just can't. I'm just a teacher, not some interstellar explorer! I'm nowhere near qualified enough to be a science specialist on a space mission. I close my eyes, no one is going to listen to me anyway. I just want to curl up and hide from everything, making sure no one will find me. Maybe I'll be abandoned here and maybe when they open my door I can escape! Who am I kidding? This fantasy isn't doing anyone any good, especially not me.
I guess what I really want is control back. Everything in my life has never truly been my choice. I became a teacher because academia hated me. I began Astrophage research because Stratt had the world under her thumb. I'm being sent to my death because two of my friends were blown up. My choices never mattered.
-
3 days until launch and I'm thinking about putting myself out of my misery. If I'm going to die, it should be on my own terms, right? And plus, a corpse would be an awful science specialist. What would I even use? Choking myself with my thin blanket? Drowning by the small sink? Just bashing my head against the wall until it's over? None of those options seem realistic or painless. My only option is to sit and wait until Stratt sends me to my doom. I start to laugh, it’s an insane, deranged laugh of desperation, but what else can I do? In 3 days, I’m dying.
I wonder what everyone else is thinking about me. I’m sure Stratt is giving some dumb explanation about me having pre-launch nerves (it’s true but only because I’m being sent to die against my will) or something else. No one is going to check anyway, what Stratt says goes, and she’s probably making sure no one will see me. My final days on this planet, and I’ll be alone.
-
It's officially launch day, and of course nobody comes to wish me goodbye. One of the guards came to deliver my last meal. They decided to treat me today, waffles, eggs, and sausage. If I wasn't being held against my will to be shot into space to die I would've enjoyed it, but instead it just feels like ash in my mouth. I can only take a few bites before I feel like throwing up. It’s my last day on Earth and all I get to do is sit in loneliness. I won’t even get to say goodbye to anyone. Dimitri, Lokken, Hatch, Lamai, Leclerc… so many people who I’ve come to know and I will never see them again. At least while I’m up there I’ll have Yáo and Ilyukhina with me, even if I won’t remember them when I wake up.
The doctors walk in, three of them. I know they probably don't need that many for a simple injection, they're there to make sure I don't make a break for it. Part of me wants to, but I don't have enough motivation to even get up.
"Dr. Grace," one of them says."My name is Dr. Shoska, and these are my assistants, Dr. Strova and Dr. Pieter. Ms. Stratt hired me and my team to administer your medications for your travel. You are in safe hands."
I don't respond. I can’t bring myself to.
The doctors begin to set up their equipment, priming everything for me to meet my end. Each thud of medical devices feels like another nail in my coffin, another seal of my impending doom. Finally after what feels like both an eternity and nothing at all, Dr. Shoska speaks.
"Everything is ready. This process will go smoother if you cooperate,” her voice is soothing but stern
I don't move. It won’t matter what I do, I’m going to die either way.
Dr. Shoska sighs, and I feel a pull on my arm. My sleeve is rolled up, and I feel a cold liquid rubbing the area over one of my arteries. They don't give me a countdown, I just feel the injection in my arm. They don't bother to hold me down, they just wait until the drug settles in. At least I have that mercy.
I can already feel my consciousness start to fade. I won't ever see Earth again. No walks in the park overlooking the bay, no more shady trees in my neighborhood,no more diner breakfasts and no more animals, no more teaching my kids, oh my kids, I’m going to miss them the most. It doesn’t matter.
I'm going to die light years away from home
I’m going to die with no memories of my life.
I’m going to die without being able to give goodbyes to anyone.
Oh God, I'm going to die.