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It started with a statue.
"Have we, uh, already conquered this place?"
"Um, no sir. I would have mentioned that in the reports."
"Oh."
It was a nice statue, with its arms raised up high to the sky and everything. The face could have used some work - wasn't quite hitting that right 'evil' vibe - but all in all...
"That's a nice statue."
"That it is, sir."
"We, uh, we're not gonna really need that one they're working on downstairs now, are we."
It wasn't a question.
"Probably not." A pause, then a sigh. "I'll tell the sculpting team to put it on hold."
They descended to the planet, statue or not. They were here to conquer after all.
But–
"Are they... cheering for you, sir?"
"What, pfft no."
But... it definitely sounded like cheering. From a gathering crowd. Around the Skullship.
"This planet's probably just... backwards or something stupid like that." Because that totally, definitely, should have been fear.
They stared out the window. Another pause, this time contemplating. "Well sir, if you say so. I'll send out the troops regardless."
Good. And then. "Right, and I'll just, uh– I'll just do my thing, then."
His thing. Where he built upon the fear of their arrival to create full-blown panic. He'd just go and do... that.
"Good luck sir. You may need it."
"LISTEN CLOSELY, PUNY CITIZENS OF GLAMORONOBO–"
"Glamorotalor, sir."
"–OF GLAMOROTOTORO! IT IS I, LORD HATER! NUMBER ONE SUPERSTAR AND GREATEST IN THE GALAXY. I HAVE ARRIVED HERE TO CONQUER YOUR PUNY PLANET! YOUR LIVES AND, UM, THINGS, NOW BELONG TO THE LORD HATER EMPIRE!"
A deafening silence, only broken by the sounds of the marching watchdogs and distant city bustle.
This, this was normal.
Next should be the screams of terror–
"It really is Lord Hater!!"
Excellent, yes!
"–he's really here!"
Well yes, of course, that's what he just said–
"We're all saved–"
What?
"–to protect our planet!"
Wait what?
"He's here! The saviour of the galaxy!"
"Well that sucked." He felt that was a bit of an understatement. "That didn't go as planned at all."
"No sir, not quite to plan. But admittedly, you were never one for plans, no matter how much I tried."
There no longer was a galactic villain leaderboard. That had been wiped out with Dominator's... domination. That and nearly every major villain's subsequent resignation.
"Yeah but, there was always this kinda... um..."
"Status quo, sir?"
There was no villain leaderboard, but there was the longstanding federation planet registry. Something to show the various legitimate kingdoms, systems, and empires, as well as their respective planets.
"Yeah, that! You know, we show up, I yell a lot and look super cool, you bring me the leader or king or whatever, and then they surrender their planet. That's literally how it always goes."
"Yes well, the Glamorosts seemed unnaturally enthusiastic to join the empire of, and I quote, the legendary saviour of planets. No yelling required, apparently."
The Hater Empire was there, for the first time, on that board. Right there, near the bottom, with one planet newly enlisted under its protection and system of laws.
"This is stupid."
"Not really sir, it's just... odd. Usually the yelling is necessary."
"It's my favourite part. I only got like, two minutes tops before they were all like, please dude, save us. Like ew, no."
"Well sir, you can't deny it has been one of more successful take-overs thus far.
It was. Those Glamor-bobs had willingly surrendered control of the planet. Just like that. Because apparently they believed that if ever someone like Dominator came around again, destroying planets willy-nilly, they would need Lord Hater, saviour of the galaxy, to well. Save them.
"That doesn't stop it from being stupid."
"Yes sir, but it also doesn't stop it from working."
He wondered, sometimes, at what point does one lose the classification of "villain".
Because with seven-going-on-eight planets having peacefully enlisted in the Hater Empire, he was starting to wonder if this even counted as evil-doing. They had even received formal pledges of alliance from two official federations! Alliances! That sure didn't sound evil.
But well. People seemed to think he was pretty cool. So it wasn't all bad.
He didn't get to yell as much though.
"There's so much to do, sir!" That was an understatement. "The negotiations with Klavoen finally went through so now we now need to arrange for a viable trade root between them and Viirael as well as establish a permanent ground force on their planet."
"Sounds like a lot of work." Luckily it wasn't him who dealt with these sorts of... things. Logistics. Whatever. "What did we get this time?"
The excitement at sharing this information was practically palpable. "Ohoh sir, you're going to like this one! We're going to get exactly 32 percent of their annual yield in Klavo diamonds – do you know how rare those are!? – and we'll now receive bi-weekly shipments of agricultural produce directly from their farms. Fresh food, sir! Every two weeks!"
That sounded acceptable. Diamonds were cool. He could impress people with diamonds. He could buy... things. With diamonds.
Food was okay too.
"Do I have to go do that thing again?"
"Make a public appearance, sir?"
"Yeah. Like that last planet."
A hum. "It probably wouldn't hurt."
"Fine." He pretended to be irritated. "Schedule one for tomorrow."
"Will do." A pause, then a thoughtful noise. "You know, sir, we should probably continue to cultivate this 'protector of the galaxy' image. The more people who believe we'll defend them from attacks the better. These public appearances would definitely help that."
"Uh, it's saviour of the galaxy, actually." A hesitation. "And um, quick question. Are we protecting these planets?"
He thought of the troops they had left behind on the planets that requested it. Not to terrorize or enslave but to simply stand guard. He thought of all that... logistics work Peepers seemed to be doing. Planning trade routes. Settling alliances. He thought of this new planet, Klavon or Klaster or whatever, with its cool diamonds and farms. He wouldn't be able to get those if their planet was destroyed.
There seemed to be a moment of collective realization.
"Oh grop, we are protecting them, aren't we?"
He wondered, sometimes, when he had stopped caring about being a "villain".
They didn't really talk about it. Him and Peepers. But he could tell Peepers had stopped really caring about the label a while ago too. It could have been when they realized they were protecting these planets. That they were actually helping others. (Ew, gross.)
Maybe it was when he had first heard the cheers of the Gamor-whatever planet. Or maybe the cheers of that secret planet. Back with Dominator and the last little bit of hope for the galaxy.
Maybe he just kinda wanted to be noticed? For people to think of him as a cool dude. As someone awesome and impressive and powerful.
Evil had seemed so easy before, but now it just kinda felt... weak.
It was much more difficult trying to help all these planets. But that made the rewards and the gratitude all that much better.
He still didn't get to yell that much anymore, though.
They had a pretty big empire. Kind of.
"Look at this, sir. With that latest addition we're now ranked sixth on the federation planet registry!"
It was more of a wide-spread scattering of planets that all at some point in time pledged a certain level of allegiance to him. Them. To the belief that they could offer protection.
"About time. How did the negotiations down by the whatsit-nebula go?"
And well, they were offering protection. Not that anything truly threatening had happened. Yet. Most of the villains were still retired. No new terror had yet to rise up and torment the galaxy. They kind of just... kept space pirates away. Settled a few interplanetary wars. Zapped a couple dangerous meteors into space rubble.
"It went well sir. No firm resolution yet but I can tell the Ivochites want their conflict to end as much as we do. All we need is for their leader to yield."
"Urgh, what a jerk. They're gonna be better off here anyways."
And it seemed like Peepers actually had a penchant for managing and governing. Instead of using armies of watchdogs he used cool logic and persuasive compromises. People were happy to join their empire.
"What about you, sir? Did that exploding star offer any troubles?"
"What? Pfft, yeah right. I just put a big force-field around it and watched the show. The Jroo-whatevers–"
"Jrousians."
"–whatever, they thought it was the coolest thing since I saved the galaxy."
The whole thing was a little weird. It didn't feel like he was made to be a nice guy. If he took time to think about it the whole prospect at being some sort of interplanetary peacekeepers was actually kind of ridiculous.
He didn't really take time to think about it all that much.
"Good job, sir. And I don't know if you saw what the Glamorosts did for their anniversary as the oldest planet in the Hater empire..."
"That really, really big statue?"
"Yes, and I'm even part of it this time, sir!"
And really, why would he bother with how he became the greatest in the galaxy when he (and to a lesser extent, Peepers) had basically already snagged the position? They surely had more planets now than they had ever won by force before.
They also didn't have to keep remaking their own statues.
It was actually pretty good to be good.