Chapter Text
„Alright listen up!“
Jackie yells over the chattering girls.
“I know everyone’s excited for Nationals.” It’s true Jackie can see it in their faces. They got the competition in the bag. “The planes leaving on Saturday at 7 am so we’ll have to meet at 5:30 am”
The girls who are sitting on the grass around Jackie boo playfully as Jackie continuous, “I know, I know, its super early but I know it’s gonna be worth it once we kick ass at nationals! Alright practice is over everyone!”
“Jax, wait up!” Shauna yells as she catches up to Jackie who is heading towards the locker rooms next to the field.
“Why aren’t you stretching?” Shauna says while she’s breathing heavily. Probably still from the mile Coach made them run today. She places her arm on Jackies back and Jackie can feel the heat radiating from her skin.
“I’m kind of in a hurry.” That wasn’t a lie but not the entire truth. Jackie had hoped she could catch the bus before Jeff’s detention was over so she didn’t have to let him drive her home.
She was also avoiding this, and by this she means Shauna Shipman.
They enter the locker room and its empty except for the piled-up clothes and bags left on the benches and the floor by the girls who were still outside stretching. It’s quiet, the type of quiet that is filled with awkwardness and tension.
“Shauna, we need to talk” Jackie blurts out.
“About what?” Shauna plays dumb. She leans against one of the lockers and takes Jackies hands into her own.
Jackie knows that Shauna knows exactly what she’s talking about. It all started a few months back at one of their sleepovers. Well, it started way before that but that was the first time Shauna and Jackie kissed. Jackie Taylor. The Jackie Taylor. The Jackie Taylor who has the perfect life and the perfect boyfriend, the Jackie Taylor every boy wants to be with and every girl wants to be kissed her best friend who is a girl.
Back then they did it for “practice”. Jackie told Shauna how much she hates kissing Jeff and one thing led to another. Back then it was normal, or at least acceptable. Best friends kiss each other sometimes to practice for boys, just to know what it feels like. But Jackie and Shauna hadn’t stopped. And they both knew it wasn’t practice anymore.
Since then, every time they see each other and they’re alone they kiss or do even more than thar and then never talk about it. They pretend it never happened, but Jackie’s feelings are getting harder and harder to ignore.
Jackie gets snapped back to reality by Shauna pulling her hips closer to hers. The next moment they’re kissing each other again. Jackie would be lying if she said she didn’t want this to happen.
Suddenly the door opens and Jackie jerks away from Shauna’s touch. Shauna quickly steps to the side and faces the other direction so the girls who just came in don’t figure out what they’ve been up to.
Jackie grabs her bag, she looks back at Shauna but she’s avoiding her again.
“Shauna please, we need to talk” she says, trying to keep her voice down so their conversation stays between them.
“Theres nothing to talk about.” Shauna says way louder than her and she can feel the heads in the room turn towards them.
“Shauna we can talk alone but you have to admit that—this, whatever it is, we cant just ignore it.” Jackie whispers.
“I said,” Now Shauna looks directly into Jackies eyes and she wishes she could look away but it’s impossible . “Theres nothing to talk about.”
Shauna grabs her bag and storms out leaving Jackie teary-eyed and confused.
Shauna Shipman is a calm person but everyone who has been yelled at by her can confirm how horribly it can make someone feel.
Jackie doesn’t talk to anyone after Shauna left. She changes her shirt and leaves.
She tries to smile again, her and Shauna have had worse fights in the past. It will probably be fine tomorrow, and everything is going to go back to normal. If you can even call it that.
Her pretend-smile fades when she notices Jeffs car in the parking lot. She was hoping to take the bus but there he is, Jeff, grinning and waving her over.
He opens the door and Jackie gets into the car. “Can’t believe you’re leaving” he says, not turning on the engine so Jackie knows exactly what he’ll want to do next.
“It’s only two hours before you leave silly.” She says looking out of the window. The rest of the team is just heading out from the locker rooms. They’re sweaty from the heat but just as beautiful as always.
“Yeah, right haha” and without saying anything else he leans in to kiss Jackie.
Jeff’s a terrible kisser. Or maybe Shauna has spoiled her with her soft lips. She can’t help but think about Shauna every time Jeff kisses her. Usually, it helps but today it only makes her sad.
Jackie pulls away and wipes her mouth.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing just um, God’s watching you know.” Jeff scoffs and leans in again, thinking it was a joke, but Jackie is being serious. “Just drive me home Jeff” she says and turns away again.
“Sure whatever” Jeff says as they finally leaving the parking lot.
°°°
„Dear God, please bless this food that we are about to eat, we thank you for the abundance that you provided. Please help us to follow our path—”
Jackie’s dad squeezes her hand a little tighter.
“The one you intended for us. And Lord, please help us to obey the roles in life you set for us. The roles that are natural and healthy and sacred.”
That’s weird. Jackies father usually says the same prayer before dinner every night. Today was different but maybe he just wanted to try something new before Jackie went off to Nationals for the weekend.
“In your name we pray, amen.”
Jackie starts eating her mashed potatoes and carrots. Her parents exchange a look before her mother finally says something, breaking the tension.
“You sure you don’t want to try the pork honey?”
“I told you Mom. I’m vegetarian. “
Her parents exchange another look.
The rest of the dinner goes relatively smoothly. Her dad talks about his job and Jackie couldn’t care less. Then her mom starts talking about book club and it’s even more boring, but she gets through it and goes to bed.
The thought of what happened with Shauna today can’t leave her head. Should she bring it up again? Should she ignore it like she’s been doing until now? She doesn’t want to hurt Shauna and she doesn’t want to lose her, but she’s so confused, so worried and she has no one to talk to about this. She’s scared.
°°°
“Bye Mom! Bye Dad!” Jackie yells as she stuffs a singular granola bar into her backpack. Coach gave her a fancy meal plan but she can’t follow it since she doesn’t eat any meat.
Usually, Shauna picks her up before school but she had a pretty strong feeling that wouldn’t happen today so she called Jeff. For some reason her parents wanted talk to him which is weird because him and her dad already had the “If you get her pregnant I’ll kill you” -talk the first week they dated.
Because of that little chat, Jackie arrives 10 minutes late, that wouldn’t have happened if Shauna drove her so it’s partially her fault. She shouldn’t have let her kiss her. Not yesterday and not ever.
The worst part of her day isn’t getting detention because of her late arrival, it’s far more worse than that. Shauna Shipman is sitting next to Allie. Jackie knows Shauna can’t stand Allie, nobody can stand Allie. And yet she’d rather sit next to her than her best friend. And she won’t even look at her.
When Jackie goes to grab her books from her locker, she looks for Shauna. The only people she finds are Jeff and Allie. Jeff’s waiting for her by her locker so there’s no way of avoiding him.
He doesn’t even say hi. He just starts kissing Jackie aggressively, it’s horrible as always.
“Bye I got to go.” Jeff says.
“Bye.” Jackie wipes off her lips again and opens her locker. Allie is staring at her.
“Don’t you hate when they do that.” Jackie digs through her locker, looking for her English books.
“I think it’s fun.” Allie smiles, but she has a hint of pity in her eyes and Jackie hates it.
“Yeah no, I was kidding!” She laughs even though she wasn’t kidding one bit.
“See you tomorrow, Allie.”
°°°
After the school day is over Jackie and Jeff walk out into the parking lot. Everyone is excited about the weekend and even though it seems impossible Jackie scans the crowd hoping she’d find Shauna so she could apologize before nationals. She isn’t sure what she’d be apologizing for since it’s Shauna who had kissed her but she just wants things between them to be ok again. Getting ignored by Shauna Shipman is the worst thing that could happen to a person.
“Why are we going this way?” Jackie asks Jeff. This isn’t their usual root and it kind of seems like Jeff is lost, which is impossible since he drives her home every single day. Except when Jackie goes to Shauna’s house after school of course.
“It’s shorter this way” he says laughing nervously.
“Doubt that.” Jackie answers and checks the time. “We should be home by now.”
“Oh um, I don’t know.” He laughs again and turns up the music. Weird.
°°°
Jeff has to park a little bit away from Jackie’s house because there’s a strange car in their driveway. It’s pink, the ugly kind. And has “True directions” written on its side with two stick figures bellow.
“What’s this?” She asks. Jeff shrugs and looks away.
Jackie opens the door only to find Her parents and a few of her teammates standing in their living room. And there on the couch, so hidden she almost missed her, Shauna Shipman with big red puffy eyes full of pity and guilt.
Before she can say anything a man with a hideous baby-blue outfit stepps forward. His shirt says, “Straight is great” Whatever that’s supposed to mean.
“I’m Ben” He shakes Jackie’s hand. “Your parents and friends want to have a conversation with you. And I’m here to help with that. First off, why don’t we all sit down and make ourselves comfortable”
Jackie is confused, she looks at Shauna for help but Shauna looks just as scared as she does.
“Mister Taylor would you like to start the conversation?” Ben asks, way to exited for whatever is going on right now.
“Honey, we think you’re uh, being influenced. By this way of thinking… It’s unnatural- “
“Jackie, we think you’re a lesbian.” Her mother cuts off her dad.
“I myself “Ben starts talking again “Was once a gay but now I’m an ex-gay, Jackie”
He smiles.
“I work for this place, called true directions who help people like yourself, help understand the reasons behind their homosexual tendencies and help to heal them.”
“Shauna?” Jackie whispers, her breath is shaking.
“What did you tell them?”
“Shauna was brave enough to tell your parents about your struggle with SSA and what you’ve been forcing her to do.” Ben says still smiling at her.
“That poor girl.” Her mother whispers with her eyes closed.
“Forcing? Shauna what did you tell them?” Jackie’s voice is still shaking but it isn’t a whisper anymore, she’s practically yelling.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I wrote everything down in a letter.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks and hands Jackie a pink envelope. Then she heads for the door.
“Thank you for being here Shauna.” Ben says.
“Shauna what did you tell them?” Jackie sobs. “Shauna!”
“I’m sorry Jackie, it’s—it’s all in the letter.” She slams the door shut behind her and before Jackie could reply she’s gone.
Jackie understands now. Shauna snitched. Shauna told everyone their secret and now she’s playing the victim. Even dough Jackie’s going to be the one who suffers the consequences. She’d love to be angry, but the truth is they’re both victims, Shauna has always been the smarter one between the two of them, and this was the smartest move she could make.
“It’s normal to get angry.” Ben continued and Jackie was getting closer to punching him in the face by the second. “It’s one of the many things we’ll explore at true directions!”
“Where you’ll heal me?” Jackie scoffs.
“It’s like rehab honey, plus it’ll only be a few months” Her mom answers, instead of Ben.
This can’t be happening; there’s no way this is actually happening to her.
“There’s no way I’m going!”