Work Text:
An insult. A comeback. The backboard of a king-sized bed. A prince in a pile. Hot tears shed on scrunched skin. How many times has he been here? "Too many to remember," he thinks he might answer. But he does remember. Every insult, every remark on his being dramatic, his character, every rejection. If it didn't burn to try to open his eyes he might see that, maybe, he shouldn't hide how it hurts him. How he's been told countless times, too, that he can reach out for help. Maybe he's making it worse, maybe if he tells them now they'll be more upset. He'd always been told he'd get in more trouble if he lied than admitted he'd done something wrong and oh, had he lied.
The first time him and the other sides had been on camera, he revealed his worst fear was rejection. He was sure he said that out loud. So, in the safety of his own bed, he lets himself be angry at their ignorance. They knew and they continued to reject him.
Of course, he also feels guilty for this anger.
They hardly "reject" him, this is his fault. They had rejected him a few times, sure, but the rest of the things that made him want to cry out, slam his head into his pillows, scream, hit something weren't really rejections. This is his fault because he never let his hurt out and so he stayed hurt and obviously when you're already hurt you become more sensitive to things that wouldn't hurt under different circumstances.
So, he's angry and guilty and deeply hurt. What else is new?
Roman knows that he can't sit here and cry all day, he's going to have to get up and be "well" again at least before dinner. The idea of Patton noticing his too red under-eyes or even a tear if he didn't give himself enough time poured a fresh helping of fear into his already very full brain. He needed to get well quickly. His immediate idea is daydreaming because of course it is, he's already so deeply tangled in his mind.
He fills all the gaps in his mind with visions of exactly what he wants, what would be good for him. He dreams of Logan apologizing, thinking he's gone too far. He dreams of being strong enough to reassure him he wasn't hurt and have it be the truth. He dreams of being wrapped in warm and loving hugs from Patton while he cries. The hugs he wishes he could truly enjoy. He dreams of Janus, even. Janus noticing that he's fighting back tears and taking that as a sign that what he was doing was wrong.
Reality is a tormentor, though. Roman, in a world of dreams as he so often was, could never escape its grasp. Funny it's called escapism. He knows the harsh truth so well it hurt to look at the sweet lies. He knows that the few times Logan apologized, it was a lie to say "there's no need." He knows the resentment deep in his heart flared at the feeling of Patton's arms around him like salt on a wound. He knows Janus only thought his plan was going well when he saw a brief flash of hurt across Roman's face before he had the chance to cover it up.
Roman felt a sob that he wasn't sure he had the breath for escape him. Fantasizing used to comfort him. All good things come to an end, a bitter thought crawls into his head. More and more tears fell, daydreaming probably made it worse.
Wow, hopes and dreams causing more hurt. There's been a lot of that lately.
Finally, he realizes trying to make his head clear from the inside wont work. He isn't sure how he's going to soothe his racing heart from the outside, though. He'd draw if he could open his eyes long enough. He'd sing if he didn't know that his voice would crack and make him feel worse. He'd write if he thought he could get the words out. He wouldn't talk to anybody though he knows it would help. He might talk to himself if he didn't remember a certain remark about how easily sound travels in the mindscape.
That left one option, cleaning his face and figuring it out after.
The fact he doesn't have a bathroom attached to his bedroom is one he curses often. Regardless, he rolls out of bed and falls into a pile on the floor. Mentally preparing himself to face the empty hallway, he pushes himself up from the side of his bed and heads towards the door.
In making an honest effort to forget the other sides are around (for his wellbeing), he fails to peek his head out first to check the hallway before leaving like he normally does. Quickly and forcefully, he takes a big step out of his room—
—and crashes face first into the scaly skin of a serpentine side probably heading towards the kitchen.
Janus stumbles to the side but quickly draws himself back up to keep from falling.
"Roman, missing some of your signature grace I see-" Janus cuts himself off. Roman feels himself being perceived, his state being taken in.
Immediately regretting his carelessness, he turns quickly in the direction of the restroom. Of course, he wasn't lucky enough to get away with leaving, why would he be?
Janus' gloved hand wraps around the Prince's wrist. "Are you seriously trying to hide this from me, Roman? Do you take me for a fool?"
He knows it was sarcastic, this is Janus we're talking about. He curses his throat for the fact his breath hitches anyway. He can't look him in the eye, he knows his tears will fall with renewed ferocity if he tries.
"What do you care?" He chokes out, not as strongly as he might've liked. "You have no room to talk anyway, snide serpent."
He hopes the alliteration will throw him off, it doesn't.
"Sure, because I'm definitely going to act like i didnt just see tears streaming down your face." He could hear the exasperation in his voice, like he was already trying to get this over with. Maybe his brain's just being cruel again, though.
"You would." He doesn't quite realize this was said out loud until after.
He also doesn't see the way Janus' face falls in response.
"I wouldn't. Why.." He hears his voice trail off. Good, he thinks, spitefully he knows what he did.
Roman feels the gloved hand leave his wrist and doesn't miss the chance to get away. Well, he assumes that's what it is until he feels three sets of arms around him.
"What are you-"
"Show, don't tell." Janus muttered. Roman felt his jaw, now atop his crown, move as he spoke. "It seems to me that I've misled you."
"...Shocker." Roman responded with far too little fire for Janus to actually believe it was anything but a knee-jerk response.
"You think I don't care about your feelings, correct?"
Knowing there's no point —especially now— in lying, Roman simply hums in reluctant agreement. He doesn't trust his voice to not give away how much he wants to sob right now.
"Well, dear prince, that's not the case." A hand moves to wipe away his tears, "I've misled you into believing something both untrue and that helps nobody.."
Janus gives him time to process his guilty statement, brushing hair out of his eyes. Roman doesn't think he could fully process it even if Janus gave him a year's worth of time. Especially surrounded in the comforting and distinctly cool pressure of Janus' 6 arms.
"I apologize."
Roman is infinitely grateful he's facing away from him for the way the floodgates of his tear ducts fail. He knows that Janus can tell, however, given the way nearly his whole body trembles with sobs.
He wants to be angry, honestly. He wants to start an argument where he hurls insults at Janus. Tell him how much hes made this hard to believe.
But Roman isn't angry, he's relieved. He remembers every time Janus has made a fool out of him, made him think he actually liked Roman. His heart, though, his awful, gullible heart, feels that right now Janus is to be trusted. He can hear a sincerity in his voice he had never heard from him before. The voice distantly whispers comforting words and much needed reassurances as the body Roman is hardly attached to shakes and tears fall from eyes he can't open.
He falls apart completely when he finally realizes Janus isn't wearing his gloves anymore. He doesn't quite recognize they're back in Roman's room, though, nor does he feel the blankets around them. All Roman can feel now is cold hands on his face and stroking his own shuddering hands. All Roman can hear now is the honest truth, not the harsh "reality". He knows now that Janus didn't see him choke back tears, he knows now that Janus never knew how much he hurt him.
Maybe, he thinks, a moment before passing out from exhaustion, Janus' plan wasnt meant to hurt him this much at all.