Chapter Text
Lumine entered her Serenitea Pot with little fanfare – small backpack, the clothes on her back (old but new), Paimon floating beside her. The weather is lovely as always, with the sun shining warm but not harsh, clouds white and fluffy, ocean tides a pleasant white noise. She was three seconds away from greeting Tubbie when a crash was heard from inside the mansion, stopping the traveler in her tracks.
“That was loud,” Paimon said, completely unfazed. Lumine has so many friends who are welcome to visit the teapot whenever they want, and so a little crash and a small explosion here and there was not exactly uncommon. Only three weeks ago was The Kitchen Incident involving Xiangling, Thoma, Escoffier, and Ei. Escoffier had looked like she wanted to go back to jail and Thoma was one more ruined pot away from going back home to Mondstadt.
Lumine sighed fondly. “Who’s in today?”
“Your friends are always interesting,” Tubby laughed, “I believe today are mostly your new friends from Nod Krai – the young inventor lady and her machine-maiden companion among them. But there are some old faces too.” Lumine hummed an affirmative, finger on her chin in making a thinking pose, preparing herself to face whatever was happening inside the mansion. “They were actually playing some kind of tabletop game earlier, which looks quite interesting. But ah, I apologize for not remembering everyone’s name, but they have been polite enough and the noise is a welcome change to the quiet.”
Paimon nodded understandingly, her face serious. “That’s okay, we have so many friends so Paimon understands why you can’t keep track,” she said, rolling in the air lazily, floating to the front of the mansion. “It’s like when you live at home with all your aunties and uncles and you keep bringing new friends! The aunties and uncles recognize the friends but can’t keep track of them all.”
Tubby made some very interesting faces before smoothing it back into a cheery expression. “That’s exactly right! Now go check on those friends and see if they need any assistance. I’ll be sure to tell you if more friends come by!”
“Thank you, Tubby,” Lumine nodded. She turned to Paimon with a teasing smile. “How would you know what it’s like to live in a big family, Paimon?”
Paimon spluttered indignantly, before harrumphing and opening the door with a bit more force than necessary.
Inside was – well. It was definitely not as messy as Lumine thought it would be, bar the fallen wooden board in the middle of the room, some scraps of paper scattered across the floor, and several markers that have rolled away from the center of the chaos. She could also spot the abandoned game of Tabletop Troupe on the dining table at the other side of the room. As Tubby had said, Ineffa and Aino were there, the former standing ready with a flat expression and the latter looking confused, but with them are new and old faces alike.
There was Illuga, who looked like he’s planning a grand escape. Lauma, notes in her hand, looking extremely amused. Jahoda, sitting to the side, contemplating on her life choices. Navia, holding some red strings and tacks with a sheepish expression on her face. Clorinde, looking exasperated but fond. And finally Sethos, arms folded, looking like he just had an epiphany. Walking around them are the cats and dogs Lumine kept in the house, enjoying life like nothing happened.
The people gathered today were quite a mixed bag, but truthfully with the teapot being open to anyone (that has an invitation) at any time it was actually quite normal to see Lumine’s friends from across Teyvat mingling with each other.
Lumine glanced at the fallen board, and then at the strings and tacks in Navia’s hands. “You guys are plotting something,” she said, turning to face all of them but especially Illuga, who was avoiding her eyes like a guilty child with a hand in the cookie jar. “And looking at how Illuga is like, five seconds away from jumping out the window, I’m going to make a guess that this plan involved Flins, for some reason.”
“Yeah! You’re so smart, partner!” Navia said cheerily. She then gestured to Lumine’s new-but-old dress. “Great new look, by the way!” Meanwhile, Clorinde silently put the board back up again, tidying the mess and putting things back where they belong.
On the board were some notes and pictures of places across Teyvat, mostly Nod Krai, connected by red strings and a lot of scribbled arrows. The notes were mostly about romantic places and how to take advantage of it, along with some techniques on how to tastefully seduce someone. It seemed like the board itself was stolen from somewhere in Sumeru, probably Sethos’ doing. Lumine knew it was stolen because all message boards in her teapot realm looked pristine since they were essentially brand new, while this one was very beaten up and got the remains of old notes still stuck into it. Smack dab in the middle of it was a big picture of Flins, a smile on his face and looking very dashing.
The top part of the board said, “HOW TO MAKE A MYSTERIOUS HOT MAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU” written in bold red ink.
Lumine was starting to understand why Illuga was looking more constipated by the minute.
“How are you all going to help him with that, the only men liker in this room is Sethos,” Lumine said, waving at Sethos. He waved back. “And he’s not exactly successful at getting his man to like him back.” Sethos squawked in embarrassment, knowing full well Lumine was right and his attempt to get Wanderer to fall in love with him was going absolutely nowhere. It was actually, most likely, going backwards.
“Hey, don’t write me off like that! I have so much gossip–ahem, information about this kind of thing! Working for the Curatorium got its perks, you know,” said Jahoda, fingers waving in the air.
“As for us, we’ve seen this exact scenario happen before,” Clorinde said with a haunted look on her face. “We have experience. Unfortunately.”
Illuga finally broke his silence, “Traveler, that’s what stood out to you?! Not all this… ridiculous planning and whatnot, I don’t even like Flins that way!”
Everyone looked at Illuga with pity in their eyes. Deep in denial, this young man is.
“Paimon is not great at romance or whatever but even she notices how bad you have it for Flins,” said the little fairy, not caring of the psychic damage her words inflicted to the Nightmare Orioles’ captain.
Wisely, Lumine ignored Illuga (much to his chagrin), turning to Lauma who had the expression of someone currently having a very good day. Out of everyone’s presence, hers was the most confusing of them all. “Lauma, why are you here?”
Lauma smiled serenely, “Sometimes being among the people of the Frostmoon Scions can be a bit… stifling, and whenever I feel that way I would go take a walk or see if I can be of help somewhere else, as a change of scenery,” she said as she held the notes in her hand to her chest like something very precious, “Today I happen to remember your teapot, and the open invitation you have graciously extended. To my delight, there are some friends that could use my help.”
Illuga gave her a flat look. “I really don’t think this is helping anyone. Or anything.”
Lauma’s smile turned mischievous. “On the contrary, I believe I am helping plenty.”
Unbeknownst to Illuga (or to anyone in the room, really), what looks like a very good and organized minute of meeting had little extra notes for herself, mostly of things like “Mr. Illuga is very cute like this I understand why Mr. Flins keeps teasing him” or “This is an educational experience and I think I can use some of the techniques on Nefer”.
“I think this is stupid!” Aino yelled. Illuga was about to agree before she continued, “Why do adults get so weird around people they like! Just say you like him, it’s not like Flins doesn’t like Illuga back!”
Illuga choked on air. “NO HE DOES NOT?” he screamed, fist clenched and shaking, absolutely still stuck very deeply in a state of denial. Jahoda snorted, then faked a cough to hide it when Illuga glared at her. In the distance, two cats started a fight and slammed into a door with a loud thud. Everybody ignored it.
“Aino is right,” Ineffa piped in, nodding to herself. “It is very obvious that Flins hold Illuga in a very high regard. He looks at the captain with this look in his face that I have observed, analyzed and concluded that he gave no one else.” She paused. “Hmm. Except maybe Grand Master Varka. Flins has a different look for him that he also gives to no one else.” What kind of look is that, she wasn't going to elaborate, because there were innocent ears in the room.
Illuga shook his head. “And this is why I said there’s no way he likes me b–he likes me,” the young captain grumbled. “He’s head over heels for Grand Master Varka. I would know. Flins keeps making poems about his forearms and he keeps telling me all of them. It’s equally endearing and insufferable, actually.”
For someone who was insinuating that the person he likes had a crush on other men, he didn't look too bothered. If anything, he looked fond. And resigned.
It did not go unnoticed by the meddling committee currently having a blast in the room.
“But Mr. Illuga, have you considered that Mr. Flins has two hands,” said Clorinde with a straight face. If one didn't hear what she just said, she would look like someone who just delivered a routine military report. Beside her, Navia wheezed.
“What does that have to do with anything,” Illuga replied, sounding ten times more tired than before.
“It means he can hold both yours and Mr. Varka’s hands at the same time!” Sethos answered with full confidence. “YOU have two hands, Illuga! Maybe you can score them both!”
Illuga turned and started walking towards the door. “I’m going home.”
Swiftly, Lumine blocked his path. Her scarf fluttered behind her dramatically, even though there should be no wind blowing indoor. Maybe the Anemo Archon found Illuga’s suffering funny.
(He did.)
“You are not going anywhere. I’m already invested and need to see where this is going.”
“Think of it this way,” Lauma calmly pointed to the board on the front, momentarily forgotten in the midst of Flins-has-two-hands discussion. “The original plan might be specifically about making Flins fall in love with Illuga, but I think we can expand and use some of the techniques to get Illuga an extra catch,” she uncapped a marker that was magically already retrieved from wherever it rolled away earlier. Elegantly, she crossed the word MAN on the board and changed it into MEN. She then stared at the board for a second before also crossing the letter A in front of it.
Lumine walked to the front and tacked a very handsome photo of Varka into the board, right next to Flins’ picture. Everyone politely ignored Illuga’s reddening face. Varka is not someone a lot of people would categorize as a ‘mysterious’ man, but there were worse and more inaccurate words to describe him. Besides, he got plenty of secrets of his own, so he did actually have some mysteries and rumors surrounding him.
Illuga groaned. This is going to take a while.
In truth, everyone in the room (except Illuga) knew that all this planning was actually unnecessary.
Unnecessary wasn't exactly accurate, as the people involved definitely need a push or two, but feelings wise? As Aino had already helpfully pointed out, Flins liked Illuga back. Flins liked Illuga a lot, actually, and everyone with two eyes and a working brain could see that. Illuga was just too stubborn and deep in denial to acknowledge the fact.
If what Illuga said earlier was to be believed, then Flins also liked Varka. Seeing that Illuga didn’t really have any meaningful protest about the addition of Varka on the board, everyone whose name was not Illuga had a strong suspicion that he was actually maybe also quite interested in the big man.
Lumine would know. She’s unfortunately seen and heard things. She pitied Starshyna Nikita quite a bit, as she once upon a time stumbled upon him drunkenly bemoaning about his son and his preference for men who towers over him, and the senior Lightkeepers gathered around had looked like they unfortunately understood his woes. Apparently, plenty of young Lightkeepers had a thing for size and age difference. Plenty of young (and old) Lightkeepers also have some form of crush on several Knights of Favonius members. Lumine really didn’t want to know why Nikita even knew what Illuga’s taste in men was, so she hastily made herself scarce before any of them noticed her presence. Because she was Teyvat’s weirdest traveler, it didn't only happen once or twice. Almost every time she stepped foot in Piramida, or even The Flagship, she would overhear some sort of discussion about the size kink epidemic.
Lumine was in the middle of writing the word “HONSE?” on the note tacked beside Varka’s picture when Illuga spoke, sounding a bit pensive, “Why are you guys so insistent on this anyway? We were having a lot of fun with today's Tabletop Troupe campaign.”
“Huh,” said Lumine absentmindedly, currently adding a crude drawing of a horse in the corner of the note. “Right, I never asked. What prompted this, actually?”
Illuga looked baffled. “You didn't even question it before?”
“You make the funniest face when teased, that was enough for me to join,” Lumine explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Paimon shook her head. “She’s weird like that, sorry Illuga.”
“Paimon, you didn't question anything either…”
“Well she tried before! But she has learned that when the Traveler is involved in something, hmm, what's the word? Gossipy? Tea-worthy? Would make very good blackmail material? She would insist on seeing it through. So Paimon just goes with the flow now.”
Wow, Jahoda thought to herself, note to self, the brave and noble Traveler is a big gossip girl.
Illuga stared at Lumine with a blank face. “Thanks for having fun at my expense.”
Lumine gave him a thumbs up. “You're welcome, I’d happily do it again.”
Lauma finally took pity on poor Illuga. “Well, to answer your question from earlier, it is true that we were originally playing Tabletop Troupe before doing all this. Well, I say we, but I was just helping with score-keeping.”
Sethos nodded, a serious look on his face. “Thanks for that, by the way. Jahoda did so many miscalculations I half expected the Traveler’s new adeptus friend to break down the door to give her private math lesson.”
“Whoa hey. Not wrong, but excuse me.”
“You're excused.”
“As I was saying,” Lauma cut them off before they could start wrestling on the floor. “We were having small talks while playing. Several interesting topics too, and then it devolved to conversations about partners and crushes.”
“YOU started that topic because you started waxing poetry about Boss Nef’s legs unprompted,” Jahoda said, affronted.
Lauma stared straight into her eyes. “I stand corrected.”
“And then it kinda became a truth-or-dare game,” Aino interjected. The adults were apparently non-functional today. As hilarious as it was, the discussion was turning very much unproductive. “Like, if you refuse to answer, then you get extra damage next time you're hit. If you answer truthfully, you get guaranteed success for one persuasion.”
Lumine looked inspired. “That… sounds fun, actually.”
“It was! But it got chaotic so quickly! Honestly, I don't really remember the details, but with everyone giving information and gossip fuels Lauma started a new note and then the conversation turned to Illuga's denial and then Sethos suddenly got a message board? Where did that come from, anyway?”
“Don't worry about it,” Sethos waved his hand dismissively. Ineffa narrowed her eyes in suspicion.
“I have been waiting to make some kind of conspiracy info board thing for so long, finally the red string and tacks I bring everywhere came in handy!” Navia added excitedly.
“I think I got the gist of it,” Lumine nodded, face serious.
Illuga huffed, arms crossed on his chest. “Now that we know how and why this is all happening, can we go back to why you people are all very invested in this?”
Clorinde sighed. “As Navia has said, she’s been waiting to make a… conspiracy board. She won’t stop until it is ‘solved’, so to speak.” The Champion Duelist looked half fond and half exasperated. “I’m here for moral support and damage control.”
Aino hummed. “Something exploded in the workshop, and now the whole area smells like smoke. We’re waiting for the smell to disappear.”
“Affirmative. Also, since the Traveler’s teapot is always available, with fresh air and friendly people in it, I thought it would be a good idea to take a break and socialize a little,” added Ineffa.
Lauma giggled a little. “I am always happy to help friends, no matter how quirky the problem is.” Illuga threw her a dirty look that she wholeheartedly ignored.
Sethos scratched his head. “As for me… For my own research, I guess?”
Jahoda made a face at him, full of judgement. “Your terrible taste in men needs its own research, I think. Either way, it's currently my off hours and this is free entertainment.”
“Actually, why don't we turn this into a plan to help Sethos,” Illuga said, a hint of desperation in his voice. Sethos made an offended noise. Illuga prayed to every Archon and equivalent available to please release him from this hell. Unfortunately, any god that could hear him found his predicament incredibly funny. Specifically, one Moon Goddess did actually hear his prayer and had decided to extract the full story from Lumine later. No, she wasn't going to do anything about it. What was she supposed to do in a situation like this, anyway?
“But we are invested and the plan is about to be set in motion,” determination shone in Navia’s eyes. “As the saying goes, there are other fish in the sea, but we know you’ve been eyeing this fish specifically, and with the addition of the other fish in your pond, I think it would be good for you to finally catch them both.”
“Miss Navia what the hell are you talking about. Also what plan, because there isn’t any comprehensive plan to be found on the board.”
Navia held her head high. “I said what I said.”
“Guys, maybe don't tease Illuga so much,” Aino patted Illuga's arms. He was screaming into his hands in frustration. “If he starts crying I feel like Flins would suddenly appear here and I don't wanna see him mad. There are stories about people frustrating Illuga to near tears and suddenly Flins is there, looking ready to bury someone!”
Illuga’s face was turning an interesting shade of red. “Miss Aino, I won’t–I will NOT cry–”
“Of course, because you are a man of Nod Krai and therefore you shall not cry,” Ineffa said, face completely blank except for the spark of mirth in her eyes.
Sethos stared at Ineffa, taking a split second to register what she just said before paling and looking absolutely horrified. Flashback of endless horrible jokes from one General Mahamatra assaulted his mind, one of those memories being from only a day ago on a peaceful afternoon in Lambad’s Tavern. “Oh my Archons, I hope you never meet Cyno for the sake of all our sanity.”
“Can we stop getting distracted? This is going absolutely nowhere.”
“Okay, let’s be serious for a second,” Lumine knocked on the board thrice, making all eyes focus on her. She actually looked serious this time, a commanding aura radiating from her. She sent a look to everyone before turning back to the man of the hour. “Illuga, if this is actually uncomfortable for you, you’re free to go.”
Everyone looked a varying degree of embarrassed and apologetic at the reminder of how pushy they've been.
Illuga was actually caught off guard at the mood shift. He cleared his throat, trying to calm himself down.
“It’s… okay, I think. I’m very embarrassed but I guess if I really don't want to be here, I would've ran away long before anyone could put anything on the board.”
Lumine nodded approvingly. “Good. That's good,” she said, releasing some of the tension in the room.
A split second later, a shit eating grin adorned her beautiful face. “Then I want you to look me in the eyes and be honest with me: you are aware that both of these men are much older than you. One is probably closer in age to your father and the other is older than some of the gods I know. Do you have any problem with that?”
Someone choked on laughter, probably Sethos.
It was a question Lumine already know the answer of.
Illuga stared at the board, face unreadable, before lowering his eyes and finding the floor to be very interesting. After what felt like an eternity, he eventually raised his face, cheeks flaming, and looked straight into the traveler's golden eyes. “...I like that in a man…”
“Holy shit,” Jahoda muttered under her breath.
Lumine's grin turned almost feral. “Great. Thank you for your honesty. Now, would you be opposed to actually enter a relationship with either or both of these men?”
Illuga’s face turned even redder. In an almost inaudible voice, he muttered, “...no.”
“Partner is such an inspiration,” Navia whispered to Clorinde in awe, who looked like she wanted to say something but chose to only nod back.
“Paimon thinks being in a relationship would do you wonders,” the little fairy said thoughtfully. “You’re always working hard and you take care of everyone, but you don’t really extend the same kindness to yourself. Flins is confusing, but he cares, and he pays attention to you more than anyone else. Varka looks like he’s always having fun and not bothered at all but the Knights of Favonius has this unshakeable trust in him, and there’s a reason why he’s the Grand Master. He also praised you a lot, your dad even thinks he wants to poach you off for the knights. I think either of them would be very good for you!” Paimon smiled brightly and innocently.
Silence fell into the room as Paimon’s words registered into everyone’s mind. Lumine was slack-jawed before her face morphed into an expression often seen on proud parents. Illuga looked astonished. The others stared at Paimon in a mix of awe and disbelief.
No one made any noise, not even the cats and the dogs. The only thing that could be heard was the sound of birds chirping outside, the wind brushing against leaves, and the low hum of a conversation from somewhere outside the window. It seemed that more people came into the teapot but didn’t feel the need to go inside the mansion, which explained why Tubby hadn’t said anything.
“Um, did Paimon say something wrong?”
Lauma released a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding for the past minute. The Moonchanter giggled, before it turned into a genuine laugh. Fondly, she reached out to pat Teyvat’s self-proclaimed best guide on the head. “No, Paimon, you were right. Such a kind friend you are.”
Sethos let out a low chuckle, in tandem with Jahoda’s whispered coo. Navia’s eyes looked suspiciously wet while Clorinde had a fond smile on her face.
Lumine closed her eyes for a bit and thought, it’s a good day to be surrounded by friends.
It took Illuga several extra seconds to collect himself, looking bashful and still a little red in the face.
“Right, ah,” he coughed awkwardly, trying his very best to dissipate the warm and fuzzy atmosphere currently enveloping the room, a stark contrast to the chaos they started with. He felt awkward and weirdly cozy. “Okay. Cool. So uh, what now…?”
Navia grinned widely. “Everyone, let’s get this show on the road! Let’s talk about the first seduction technique I put on the board–”
The discussion continued, this time more organized and actually yielding results. Illuga was still absolutely mortified, but he did appreciate everyone’s commitment to the bit. Questionable as most of the ideas were, there were actually useful things he could learn from them.
And hey, if he could actually manage to score one or even both of the very gorgeous, handsome, capable men of his dreams with the help of these band of clowns, then he’d consider this a successful friendship.