Work Text:
09:23
The room was quiet in a comfortable way, the kind of silence that didn’t demand an immediate answer to that sort of question. Net was leaning back in the armchair, one leg crossed over the other, fingers resting loosely on the padded arm. He didn’t feel nervous. If anything, he seemed almost too aware of his own emotional state.
There was a discreet smile on his face, not the kind offered out of politeness, but the kind that lingers when the body is far too comfortable to pretend to be anything other than happy.
He could hear the air conditioning clearly, keeping the temperature steady, cool without being cold, and the distinct sound of the small clock resting on the shelf behind him, marking time in regular, almost hypnotic intervals.
Net took a deep breath, feeling the air fill his lungs with ease. He tilted his head back slightly, staring at the ceiling for a moment too brief to look like avoidance, long enough to organise his thoughts. He wasn’t nervous, he was just choosing where to begin.
“It’s a little bit weird trying to put this into words”, he said at last, his voice low, steady. “Because it wasn’t intense in the way people usually describe. It wasn’t confusing, it wasn’t a shock”.
He made a small gesture with his hand, as if brushing aside an expectation that didn’t belong to him, and then laughed when he looked back at the psychologist. Net rubbed his hands along the arms of the chair as he said:
“I kissed someone… and instead of feeling like something had changed in me, I just thought… ‘oh’”, a half-smile appeared on his face again, almost amused. “‘So that’s it. That’s what it’s actually like…’”
He paused briefly.
Not out of hesitation, but honesty.
“I’ll admit I spent a lot of time looking things up online, reading people’s accounts and that sort of thing, but…” he shook his head. “I didn’t feel guilty after kissing him. I also didn’t feel that terrifying rush people talk about, I didn’t feel like I was crossing some forbidden line. I felt…” Net bit his lip.
“You felt…?” dr. Pear prompted.
For a moment, it was as if Net had dived into very deep water and was still deciding whether or not to come back to the surface, and it showed on his face that it was a far too pleasant indecision.
“Like it clicked”, he laughed, running a hand through his hair. “Like something that had already been there had finally found the right place!”
Dr. Pear nodded slowly, with no surprise on her face at all. There was no exaggerated enthusiasm, no concern. Just full attention.
“From my point of view, what you’re saying is an absence of conflict”.
“An absence of conflict?”
“Many of the narratives you read are built on the idea that something important must be experienced as a rupture after an event like that…”, she explained, making clear movements to keep him engaged. “Fear, euphoria, it’s a sense of transgression”.
“That’s not how I felt. That’s not how I feel about this”.
“Exactly. And when that doesn’t happen, people assume there’s something wrong with them”, she smiled, gently. “But sometimes, doing something outside your comfort zone doesn’t come to break anything, Nong. Sometimes, those moments come to put things in order”.
She watched him for a little longer.
“You didn’t feel guilty about the kiss. You may have felt guilty for not feeling what you thought you were supposed to feel, based on what you read”, the sentence came out simple, almost light. “That usually happens when the mind tries to adjust to external expectations, while the body has already understood what’s going on”.
The therapist tilted her head slightly as she saw him processing that.
Net nodded, thoughtful.
“That ‘click’ you described is important data”, dr. Pear gestured, tapping her pen lightly against the table. “It points to coherence between what you lived, what you feel, and who you are. There’s no threat there, which is why there was no terrifying euphoria. Your system didn’t go into alert mode”.
“That makes sense. I don’t feel different”.
She smiled, small and firm.
“When something is true for us, it often doesn’t arrive like an earthquake, you know? It arrives like silence, like relief. Like that feeling of finally not needing to explain yourself…”, she paused, letting the words settle. “What stood out to you most after you kissed? What do you remember in a tactile way?”
He uncrossed and crossed his legs again, an automatic, comfortable movement: “What stood out most was my body…” Net frowned slightly, thoughtful. “Not in a physical sense. But that relief you mentioned. I felt calmer afterwards, like I’d spent far too long trying to name something that didn’t actually need a name”.
The therapist didn’t interrupt.
She simply nodded softly, encouraging him to continue.
“I didn’t keep wondering what it said about me”, he added. “And I think what you said makes sense because I genuinely didn’t feel the need to revisit the past or explain myself, it was just… being. With him. And that felt like enough”.
Dr. Pear rested her elbows on the side table before replying:
“So perhaps what you’re saying is that…” she said, her voice calm. “The kiss was less a change and more a confirmation of something. And instead of thinking ‘what does this mean’, you realised ‘this is how things are meant to be for me’”.
Net nodded slowly.
“Yeah! Exactly that”.
“And… just to be sure”, she laughed, amused. Happy for him. “Do you notice how, in the way you tell it, there’s no conflict between what you feel and who you are?” she asked. Net nodded. “There are no automatic threat thoughts, no need for defence. Your body responded with calm because the experience didn’t clash with your core values or your identity”.
She made a small hand gesture, almost instructional, but without rigidity:
“Sometimes we expect important moments to come with turbulence, but when something is aligned, what shows up is clarity”, a discreet smile appeared on her face. “The relief you describe usually appears when we stop fighting something that had already been integrated into who we were all along”.
Net let out a quiet sigh, as if that explanation fit into something he already knew but hadn’t yet put into words. Not because he lacked courage, but because he wanted to be clear, honest.
“I think that…” he began, choosing his words. “I’ve always kept everything pretty separate. Work, affection, choices. And since I met him, I don’t feel that need to compartmentalise my life. It’s like I don’t have to step away from myself to be with him”.
“That says a lot about the sense of safety you’ve built over time with him, Net…” she replied. “You didn’t have to adapt to the experience itself because it simply found space”.
There was another comfortable silence, filled only by the ticking of the clock and Net’s calm breathing. He ran his tongue over his lips, thoughtful, and smiled again: “Huh. And honestly, I don’t feel rushed, or afraid of getting it wrong… not anymore, I just…” he said, almost as an observation. “I just feel complete, properly now”.
❋❋❋
Net stepped off the treadmill, breathing still fast, his whole body soaked in sweat, the T-shirt clinging to his back, the fabric darkened between his shoulder blades, along his sides, at the waistline, showing just how much determination he’d put into the workout.
His hair, previously styled with care, now fell in messy strands over his forehead, and there was something almost too alive in the way the veins stood out along his forearms when he braced his hands on his knees for a second longer, trying to slow down. His heart was still pounding when he sat on the bench beside the treadmill, pulling the towel up to wipe his face before grabbing his phone.
The screen lit up with a glow far too harsh for tired eyes.
Notifications stacked up, one after another, as always. Net scrolled without much attention at first, still stuck in his own body, the sweat running down the side of his face, the feeling of effort that had only just ended.
Then he stopped.
He literally stopped. His finger hovered in the air, his breath caught for a full second, as if his body had decided to register something before his mind could catch up. JJ’s name appeared over and over again, alongside comments, clips from some viral video.
Net tapped one of the videos almost without realising, his thumb obeying before any conscious decision. It was something simple, Jung from PERSES, whom JJ had been close to for years, since his time as an MBO trainee, had handed the microphone to JJ, who hadn’t refused and hadn’t been intimidated in the slightest by the size of the crowd around them when he started singing and was then spun around.
There was nothing special about the video. Still, something shifted inside him. It wasn’t a shock, nor a sharp jolt. It was lower than that, more physical. A quiet discomfort that appeared before a full sentence could form, before any properly shaped thought.
He laughed, mildly frustrated at realising the obvious.
It had bothered him.
He didn’t frown, even as he felt a subtle tightening in his chest, as if something had been nudged out of place for half a second. It wasn’t fear of losing JJ. That idea didn’t even take shape. It was something else. A newly organised sense of space, of closeness, of emotional territory he was still learning how to recognise.
Net rested his elbow on his thigh, ran a hand through his still-damp hair, pushing it back as he watched the video to the end. The sweat was starting to cool on his skin, but the feeling that had settled in him had nothing to do with temperature.
It was a new kind of attention, a bond that showed up in the body before asking permission from reason. He didn’t ask himself why he was feeling it. He didn’t need to. He just noted it, with the same calm clarity he’d been learning to recognise in himself, and repeated:
“This really gets to me”.
The video ended.
He went back to the message screen, comments still popping up, fans analysing every detail like they were piecing together a puzzle he already knew from the inside. Net took a deep breath, just once, like someone quietly rearranging something. He typed with thumbs still slightly shaky from the workout, quick, straight to the point, no drama.
net_siraphop Admin
I have seen everything hahahaha 🥱
Sent.
He lowered the phone slowly, letting it rest on his thigh. His chest had already slowed, his body was starting to settle, but that feeling stayed, discreet and steady. It wasn’t uncomfortable, it was informative, the way the therapist had said it could be. A quiet signal that the space JJ occupied was no longer abstract. It was concrete. Present. And, in a very simple way, it felt exactly how it should.
A few hours later, the rhythmic sound of a knife against the wooden board filled the kitchen as Net moved between the counter and the stove with almost automatic familiarity. The smell of freshly chopped vegetables began to spread through the air, mixed with the gentle warmth coming from the oven, and there was something focused and calm in the way he organised everything, as if cooking were a silent way of putting the day in order.
He heard the front door open and, right after that, JJ’s voice echo through the flat, calling for the cats in that sing-song tone that was far too intimate for someone who, technically, didn’t live there yet.
“Dollar? Chuchu? Mum’s home”.
Net smiled before he even turned around.
The sound of JJ’s voice cutting through his personal space hadn’t surprised him in a long time, it was just a comfortable recognition. JJ had been spending more time with him, coming in like someone who already knew the corners of the place, leaving his shoes too close to the door, talking to Net’s cats like old mates. And Net realised, with a quiet sense of joy, how much he liked that. The feeling of a shared home without it ever having been agreed upon.
JJ came into the kitchen with Dollar in his arms, stroking the cat's fur in slow, repetitive movements. He was still looking around, searching for Chuchu with an attentive gaze, calling him softly. He ended up sitting on one of the counter stools, his body giving in to the support as if only then allowing itself to stop. There was visible exhaustion in the way his shoulders dropped, in the looser expression on his face, in the eyes that took a little longer to focus on Net.
That made something tighten in Net’s chest.
“You look shattered! You should’ve told me you were this tired”, Net said, setting the knife down and turning fully towards him, the concern clear in his voice. “We could’ve left dinner for another night. You didn’t need to come over like this. You should be sleeping”.
JJ smiled back, a small, sincere smile, and rested his cheek against the top of Dollar’s head, closing his eyes for a moment as if that alone were enough to steady the world.
“It’s not that bad!” he replied, his voice lower. “I just need a few minutes of quiet moment, Phi. To recharge a bit”.
Net rested his hands on the counter, watching JJ in silence. To him, it was strangely comforting that Dollar was so calm in JJ’s arms, and that Chuchu appeared soon after to rub against his legs. It meant more than Net usually let himself admit. His cats had always been his family, always selective, almost possessive of their space. Net had asked himself more than once whether he should take their wary attitude towards other people seriously. But with JJ, there had never been any resistance.
It was as if they’d decided on their own that he belonged there.
“Why don’t you lie down for a bit?” Net suggested, going back to chopping the vegetables without stopping, watching him out of the corner of his eye. “It’s still gonna take a while. You can sleep, I’ll wake you up”.
JJ considered it for a second, but it was too quick to count as doubt.
He stood up carefully, still holding Dollar, and headed towards the living room without saying anything else, taking Chuchu with him too, who followed like a shadow. Net was alone in the kitchen again. He shook his head, smiling to himself, and filled his lungs before focusing back on dinner.
He consciously decided to finish what he was doing instead of getting lost in thoughts about what could grow between them if JJ actually decided to give him a chance. Some time later, with everything almost ready, Net walked over to his living room and crouched down in front of his couch. He was sleeping on his side, the cats settled over his body as if they’d claimed every available inch of him as part of their territory.
Net watched for a moment longer than he meant to.
He watched the lashes casting soft shadows over his cheeks, the thick eyebrows relaxed, the curve of his nose, and his lips slightly parted in calm breathing. He let out a quiet laugh at himself, recognising how foolish he became in that presence, how easy it was to get lost in details. With almost excessive care, he touched JJ’s arm to wake him.
“Juju, dinner’s ready”.
JJ blinked a few times, drowsy, until he focused on Net. He made a slight pout before squeezing Net’s cheek between his fingers, not hard.
“I saw your post on X”, he said, in the middle of a whisper that was almost hoarse and almost too quiet to hear. “Pretty bold of you, huh?”
Net pretended confusion, looking away while helping him up. He lifted Dollar and Chuchu off JJ, and almost got scratched.
“I’ve got no idea what you’re on about”.
JJ laughed and decided to drop it for now. Dinner went on easy and simple, between loose conversation, low laughter, stories from the event that JJ told with more excitement than he’d expected, talking about how much fun he’d had, about unexpected encounters and light moments.
At some point, Net set his glass down on the table and leaned back in his chair, watching JJ as he spoke, far too attentive to the way the smile appeared and disappeared on his face, to how his voice filled the space. And there, in that moment far too ordinary to be extraordinary, Net felt that quiet certainty settles inside him again.
He slowly moistened his lips, in an almost automatic gesture, and let out a low chuckle as he lowered his gaze to his own hands intertwined on his lap. It wasn’t nerves, it was more like he was organising inside himself the best way to touch something without breaking what was working.
He took a deep breath before speaking, filling his lungs calmly, like someone choosing the right moment.
“I want to talk about something”.
JJ moved his wine glass away from his face calmly and raised an eyebrow, curious, without any trace of defensiveness. He simply leaned his body a little towards him, resting his elbows on the table, offering full attention in that specific way that never pressured, but also never left room for doubt.
His face was relaxed, open, without defensive expectation, as if he were ready to hear anything without needing to protect himself from it. Net took another deep breath before continuing.
“Today… when I saw some things on social media”, Net began, choosing his words carefully, not to soften them, but to be fair to both of them. “I was really happy for you, honestly. I could tell how much fun you were having, how comfortable you were, and I liked that”.
He paused briefly, holding the cold crystal, slowly turning the glass on the table. The soft sound of glass sliding over the smooth surface filled the silence between them in an almost meditative way.
Net lifted his gaze then, meeting JJ’s with calm steadiness.
“But at the same time, I noticed something. It wasn’t a big bother, it was just a passing feeling, a different kind of attention”.
He let out a short, almost self-mocking laugh, but without guilt.
“It wasn’t bad. Just… new. And I thought it was honest to tell you, because it’s got nothing to do with limiting you or pulling you closer to me. It’s just about me, realising where I am right now. I mean…” Net frowned slightly, thinking. “All of a sudden, my head went on alert. It was strange, not intense, not heavy. Just a bit too noticeable, like my body clocked it before my head decided what to do with it”.
JJ blinked slowly, in silence, attentive in that whole way that neither interrupted nor closed off, absorbing every nuance without hurry. The atmosphere stayed intact. There was no weight, no pressure, no shadow cast over his recent joy, just space.
Suddenly, the corner of his mouth curved into a half-smile.
“You’re telling me you felt jealous…” he laughed. “Of me?!”
Net took a little longer than necessary to answer. Not out of insecurity, but because he felt that word was still settling inside him, finding a less obvious place than it usually occupied in the stories people tell about themselves. He let his body sink a bit further into the chair, as if the furniture could hold him while he sorted it out without rush, and only then spoke again.
“A little bit. Yeah, I did”, he said, finally, almost too lightly to carry any weight. “I was jealous of you and him. But it passed”.
There was a natural pause after that. Not an awkward one, more like the kind of comfortable gap where words settle before becoming something else. And in the middle of it, Net watched JJ’s face in front of him, the way his eyes moved, how he lightly frowned and tilted his head again.
He recognised the moment curiosity crossed JJ’s face.
“It passed…” JJ repeated, more like he was testing the sound of the word than actually asking Net. “And you were okay with that?”
Net didn’t need to think hard about the answer.
“I was”, he replied. “Because it didn’t feel like something that needed to stay, because it didn’t make me want to keep replaying the feeling over and over in a weird way. It was more like… noticing a space”.
He made a small gesture with his hand, as if outlining something invisible in the air between them. Net took a deep breath, feeling the air come in and out naturally, without that tightness that usually comes with feelings that demand explanations that are far too precise.
“The funny thing is I’ve felt jealous before...” Net went on, still smiling at the thought. “It’s just that this time I realised I trust you in a way that’s hard to put into words. You make me feel calm and safe, and that showed me I don’t need to be scared of losing you and I understood that I don’t need to turn my feelings into vigilance”.
Net ran a hand through his hair, not taking his eyes off JJ.
It was as if he wanted JJ to understand every single word in a raw, real, direct way, enough that there’d be no room for doubt.
“So no, I didn’t cling to the jealousy. Because I don’t want to like you from a place of fear, I want to like you from a place of clarity”.
JJ kept looking at him after that. There was no immediate retreat, no visible reaction that could be easily translated. What happened was more internal than external, noticeable only in the details: in the way his fingers tightened slightly around the glass, in the careful breath he drew in through his nose, as if he were measuring his own breathing.
Net’s answer hadn’t been harsh, nor invasive, but it had crossed a point too sensitive to pass without leaving a mark. For Net, it sounded organised, almost simple in its clarity.
For JJ, though, it carried a different weight. Not because it was wrong, but because it laid bare a fundamental difference between them: while Net already seemed to be standing in a place of quiet stability, JJ was still feeling the ground shift under his own feet.
And there was nothing wrong with that.
Net noticed. But he didn’t try to fill the gap, didn’t rush to explain himself further, didn’t backtrack to soften anything. He stayed there, body relaxed and gaze steady, offering presence without demanding immediate alignment, like someone who understands that not every truth needs to come with instant agreement.
“You talk like you’re sure about everything”, JJ began, slowly, like someone stepping carefully onto newly discovered ground. “But for me, I don’t think it works like that yet, Phi”.
His voice came out steady, but there was a new delicacy in it, an obvious care not to distort what he was feeling at that exact moment, after hearing everything Net had said. The key point was that JJ wasn’t confused; it was more that he was painfully aware of his own internal movement.
“Not in the sense that there’s something wrong with it...” he added almost immediately. “But in the sense that it unsettled me. I think I can understand what you mean when you say you felt jealous and it passed quickly. Of course I get that part, it’s just that...”
JJ bit the inside of his cheek, thoughtful.
Net didn’t interrupt. Not because he was waiting for a specific conclusion, but because he recognised in that measured rhythm the same care JJ had always had with his own emotions. He chose to listen fully, leaning his body slightly forward, shoulders loose, without any trace of defence or frustrated expectation.
There was no surprise in what he was hearing, nor disappointment. He already knew, even before that conversation, that the kiss hadn’t gone through them in the same way. For him, it had been a recognition that fit naturally into place. For JJ, it had been something riskier, because it touched exactly the point where he’d always been most careful.
And Net respected that one hundred per cent.
“Phi, honestly?” JJ shook his head. “Being kissed by you wasn’t that kind of fit it was for you. For me, it hurt a bit more than that. It was realising I was feeling something I’d always been far too careful to let grow. Not out of shame, not out of guilt, but because…” he took a deep breath. “Because I know how easy it is to build a whole world in your head before you know if it exists on the other side”.
He lowered his gaze for a moment.
Net understood that, at that point, the most important thing wasn’t to align experiences, but to hold the space where they could coexist. His expression stayed serene, almost gentle, not because he was distant, but because he was too grounded to react with anxiety.
He didn’t feel threatened by JJ’s different pace, nor by the caution that came with that chaotic feeling that was different for each of them. On the contrary, there was something deeply steady about being able to hear all of that without losing his own centre in the process.
“But after hearing all this, part of me feels relieved, to be completely honest...” JJ let a brief half-smile appear on his face, almost too involuntary to hide. “And another part of me just stands still, trying to understand how you manage to be so… whole in this”.
They looked at each other for a moment longer than necessary.
There was no confrontation in their expressions, no urgent expectation, just the quiet awareness that something delicate was being shared. Net was the first to notice the change in JJ’s breathing, the way the air started coming in deeper, more unevenly, as if he were holding himself steady in his own body while organising what he’d just admitted. It was subtle, but obvious to someone who’d learned to pay attention to him.
“And that tiny part, the one that’s small but pretty much here, is scared to really try to understand how for you everything can be so simple, so easy to accept, and that...” JJ licked his lips. “That worries me”.
Net felt the almost automatic urge to reach out, to touch JJ’s fingers on the table, but he stopped the gesture before it even began, not because he didn’t want to, but because he understood that this wasn’t a moment for physical comfort or immediate reassurance.
JJ didn’t seem to be asking for shelter. He seemed to be asking for space to exist in that feeling without being interrupted by a gesture that might soften the real impact of it all. So Net stayed where he was, present, attentive, making it clear through his open posture and steady gaze that he was there to hear everything, exactly as JJ needed in that moment.
“You never...” JJ gestured, squeezing his eyes shut. “Phi, you’ve never shown any interest in men. Not that I’ve seen or heard about, and you can correct me if I’m wrong”.
“You’re not”.
JJ blinked, meeting his gaze for a moment. Then he nodded.
“And still you kissed me...” he laughed, slightly shaken by the idea itself, because it was still a bit surprising that Net, who’d never even considered crossing that line, had done it and had been ridiculously comfortable with the whole situation. “And you didn’t feel bad about it”.
“I think it’s because, for me, it didn’t turn into a question!” Net said, with calm, disarming honesty. “Kissing you didn’t change anything in me, and I didn’t need to decide anything. I just noticed it”.
He lifted his shoulders in a gentle shrug.
“That’s why it’s simple, that’s why I didn’t feel bad, because I wasn’t trying to figure out what it said about me, Jay. I wasn’t revisiting anything from the past. I just understood what it said about you being here, now. And that…” Net let a small smile slip out, almost too intimate. “That already made sense before I even put it into words”.
JJ swallowed, feeling the quiet impact of that spread through his body like a wave that was hard to stop. That honesty was exactly what dismantled any defence JJ was still trying to hold onto to protect them from something complicated.
“I think I can’t feel like this right now...” he admitted, his voice a bit lower. “Not because I don’t want to, but because…” JJ let out a short, almost humourless laugh. “People think it’s easy to be in this industry and be openly queer, but it’s not. And because of that, I’ve always been more cautious with any kind of romantic relationship”.
Net nodded with a patient smile: “Juju, I know that. And I’d never think it’s easy, I know it isn’t. I might never have been with a man before, but I’m not oblivious to the difficulties of being with someone of the same sex or being too different from what most people expect us to be”.
“Knowing doesn’t make my fear any smaller”.
“And it shouldn’t!” Net agreed.
Net’s answer made JJ smile, because he was always almost painfully honest about his feelings and his thoughts. Sometimes, for JJ, it felt a bit surreal to witness the way Net seemed to grow every single day, becoming a better version of himself without even trying to force it.
Talking to Net was always different, like turning the page of a new book or stumbling across a poem he’d never read before, one that made him think about how unbelievable and layered life could be.
Maybe it was because there were no promises hidden in Net’s words, no attempt to soften or cushion what he was saying. And he carried a steady, clear presence, one that neither rushed ahead nor stepped back. JJ had always liked that about him.
“You know it’s risky, right? Liking me... this way”.
“Of course I do. Everything can fall apart in a second, but I know where I’m standing, even if it looks like something new, something I maybe never thought I’d do...” Net shrugged. “And, JJ, I don’t need you to keep up with my pace. I just need you to be honest about yours”.
JJ looked at him in silence, taking in every word.
“And what if my pace means going super extra slow?” he asked.
“That’s fine by me”, Net replied without hesitation. “Whatever it is, as long as it’s honest. If it means stopping, then this time I really will stop everything, Jay. If it means changing direction, I’ll walk with you for as long as it makes sense to you”.
JJ frowned slightly, moved by the calm certainty in that.
“Even without knowing where this is going?”
Net smiled, small but absolutely sure.
“Even then”, he took a deep breath before finishing, choosing his words carefully, out of respect. “Even if, in the end, we don’t end up together in the way I’m hoping for, I’ll still be with you because that’s how my life makes sense, Juju. Because what I feel doesn’t depend on a specific shape to keep existing”.
- ii -
The make-up room was still full of movement when they walked in, but it was already a different kind of movement, looser, the sort that settles in after something important goes right. The atmosphere wasn’t tense or rushed, it was almost a quiet celebration. The take had come out whole, clean, no need for another go, and that always made the set feel lighter.
Net settled into the chair as the make-up artist came closer, experienced fingers already starting to remove the traces of make-up with cotton and cleanser, and he closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his face finally relax. Across the room, JJ was sitting a bit crooked on the sofa, body leaning forwards, his phone resting on his knees as he scrolled with far too much focus for someone who claimed not to care that much about what people were saying online, yet he still replied to comments around him with distracted murmurs, as if he were there and somewhere else at the same time.
It was impossible to pretend the scene they’d just filmed wasn’t hanging in the air. The kiss had been frontal, no camera trick, no strategic cut, with far too many people watching up close. And even so, JJ didn’t seem uncomfortable. He laughed when someone made a random comment, rolled his eyes when someone overdid it, but inside he was still processing the weight of that gesture done in full view of everyone, with Net so close, so real, so aware.
“Nong…” one of the crew members who’d followed the shoot came over, leaning a shoulder against the doorframe. “That was insanely dangerous, you know? I got proper goosebumps. I swear!”
He ran a hand over his own arm, exaggerating the gesture, showing the raised hairs as if that were definitive proof the scene had worked better than expected. Some people laughed, others agreed with excited little noises, and someone said it looked real.
“Are you sure nothing’s going on guys?” P’Ker teased them, narrowing her eyes. “Something’s changed between you two”.
JJ lifted his gaze from his phone with a crooked smile, quick enough not to turn into a confession: “You lot need to stop projecting your loneliness onto the characters”, he said, in that light tone he always used when he wanted to dodge things without sounding defensive. “The script’s good, the cast is solid. It’s all professional”.
Net opened his eyes at the same moment and laughed, tilting his head slightly while the make-up artist cleaned around his lips.
“See?” he commented, feigning tiredness. “We rehearse properly and people already want to turn it into a side drama”.
The teasing went on for a few more minutes, but it lost strength as the work wrapped up. When Net’s make-up was fully removed and the mood finally settled, Kim appeared at the door, his jacket draped over his arm, his expression tired and satisfied at the same time.
“Fancy dinner?” he asked, looking from one to the other and then at Latte, who was fiddling with his phone against the wall. “Long day, but we smashed it. Reckon we deserve a few drinks”.
Net thought for a second, his body still caught in that leftover exposure an intimate scene always left in him. Part of him wanted to go home, talk with JJ while listening to some music or chatting about nothing until they got tired and drifted into something more serious, but before he could answer, JJ lifted his head.
“Let’s go”, he said, simply. “Somewhere quieter, maybe”.
“Any suggestions?” Latte asked.
“Baan Khanitha”, JJ replied without thinking much. Net had taken him there once, a little while after their first kiss. “It’s discreet, good, and doesn’t have that vibe of people hunting celebs”.
Kim nodded straight away, happy with the choice.
And as soon as they reached the car park, Net opened the car door for JJ with an automatic gesture and told Latte they’d meet them there. As soon as JJ settled into the passenger seat, still typing something on his phone, Net closed his own door.
He stayed still for a full second, hands resting on the steering wheel, and let out a low laugh, shaking his head like someone trying to sort himself out before moving on. He started the car, adjusted the air-con and pulled out of the space carefully, while JJ stayed glued to his messages, thumb sliding over the screen like it was a mission.
Net decided not to say anything. He just drove, focused on the traffic, on the city lights starting to come on, on the low sound of the radio, which he didn’t even remember switching on. Until he heard JJ sigh deeply, a sound half-frustrated, half too contained to ignore. He glanced sideways and found JJ looking at him with his cheeks slightly puffed out, like he’d been holding something in for far too long.
That was enough to make him smile.
“What is it?” he asked, still smiling.
JJ closed his eyes for a moment, impatient, then turned fully towards him, his expression split between accusation and embarrassment.
“You kissed me!” he said, like he was pointing out a crime.
Net nodded, eyes on the road.
“Yeah. I did”.
“You properly kissed me, Phi!”
“Of course. We were filming a kissing scene, Juju…” Net teased, but stopped immediately when he heard JJ huff loudly. He raised one hand in surrender. “Alright, alright! You’re right, I’m guilty. I did kiss you. But it was also in the script”.
JJ straightened in his seat, indignant.
“Was your tongue in my mouth in the script?”
Net pressed his lips together, holding back a laugh, and used the red light to turn his face to him: “What? Was it that bad?”
The question made JJ blink, caught off guard.
That wasn’t what he was trying to say, and the confusion showed quickly in the way he scrunched his nose, looked away for half a second before shaking his head, almost imperceptibly. His ears were visibly red now, and the back of his neck looked far too warm.
“No… it wasn’t bad”, he replied, quieter. “It was good”.
He turned forward again, taking a deep breath.
“I just got a bit embarrassed, because the whole crew was there and the kiss is definitely going into the edit. I got nervous, that’s all”.
Net listened carefully.
Even with JJ saying that, he didn’t feel the need to defend himself or justify anything, and it didn’t seem like that was what JJ wanted either. He understood completely the fear of being seen too much, of being interpreted beyond your control. And that truth touched him.
“I’m sorry”, Net said, without a hint of irony. “I should’ve held back but when I saw you that close, looking at me like that…” he bit his lip for a moment, frowning slightly. “It was hard to ignore how I feel. Still, I should’ve been more professional”.
JJ turned to him, watching him as if he were seeing something essential there, without extra layers. He thought about the honesty in those words, about how Net never tried to hide behind elaborate excuses. When the car was parked under the restaurant’s covered area, JJ unbuckled his seatbelt, reached for the handle, but stopped before opening the door.
He let his hand drop and looked back at Net.
Net waited.
“You don’t need to apologise. I liked it…” JJ admitted, lips pressed together before he went on. “I really liked the kiss. Even if it wasn’t professional, Phi. You sort of knock the ground out from under me when you remind me you’re still here, waiting, and that makes me feel special”.
“That’s because you are, Juju!” Net replied with an easy smile, not hesitating or feeling shy about it. “You’re the most special person in my life, silly. You always will be. I really am sorry for crossing the line… but I’m glad you liked it. Means I know how to kiss properly”.
JJ burst out laughing in a way that didn’t quite fit inside the car. It wasn’t restrained, or polite, or measured. It was far too open, far too alive, the kind that starts in your chest and spills out of your mouth before your body can put any filter on it.
His shoulders shook slightly, his head dipped forward for a moment, and when he lifted his face again there was a loose shine in his eyes, almost damp, as if laughing had also been a way to ease something that had been tight for hours. Net felt it in his body before he could think, a quick warmth cutting through his chest, his heart reacting without asking permission, melting right in that exact place where it always melted when JJ let himself be like that, whole, undefended, uncalculated. It was the kind of laugh that made the world feel less heavy for a few seconds, like everything was, even briefly, in the right place.
Before Net could say anything, JJ leaned in.
The movement was quick, almost impulsive, decided halfway through, as if his body had taken the lead once again. He held Net’s face lightly, just enough to guide him, and kissed him. It was short, simple, unhurried and without any show, but there was an intention in it far too clear to be mistaken for a joke. It wasn’t a scene kiss, nor a test kiss. It was a quiet agreement, a straightforward way of saying ‘yes, I agree’, ‘yes, you kiss well’, ‘yes, this keeps making sense because you make it make sense’, without needing a single word to hold it up.
Net stayed still for a second, surprised, feeling the touch vanish before he could even respond, the taste still there as an intimacy far too real to ignore. JJ pulled back as if nothing had happened.
He grabbed the handle, opened the door and stepped out of the car with the same ease as someone who’s just finished a sentence. He didn’t look back. He walked a few steps ahead, already straightening his posture, as if that kiss hadn’t just gone straight through Net. And inside the car, Net stayed put for a moment longer, smiling to himself, his heart still racing, fully aware that JJ had just said far more than it looked like and had done it in the most JJ way possible.
- iii -
Net’s flat was steeped in that specific kind of quiet that only exists after a full day spent outside, when the body finally realises it doesn’t need to stay on alert anymore. The living room lights were on just enough to warm the space, casting long shadows on the walls, and the low sound drifting in from the street slipped through the half-open windows like distant, irrelevant noise.
Net was barefoot, leaning against the arm of the sofa, a glass of wine resting loose between his fingers, while JJ sat on the other side, sprawled with his legs folded any which way, talking about something that had happened on set earlier, gesturing calmly, in no rush to get to the end of the story.
“It was one of those days where everything worked… but worked too well”, JJ said, swirling the wine in his glass as if he were organising his thoughts inside it. “You know when nothing goes wrong, but there’s also no time to feel like it actually went right? You just keep going, scene after scene, answer after answer”.
Net nodded slowly, following every word not just for what JJ was saying, but for how he was saying it. There was something different about that tiredness, something softer. Even so, he noticed, almost with surprise, that nothing inside him was asking for urgency. There was no constant feeling of needing to check something, reply to someone, plan the next day before the current one had even ended.
It was always strange to realise that the world seemed to drop its volume whenever he was with JJ, just talking about everything and nothing at the same time. It was always comfortable. Good.
“I think I get it…” Net replied after a moment, his voice low. “I think that’s what’s getting to me today”, he gave a half-smile, running his tongue over his lips before carrying on. “Usually, after a full day, my head’s racing after everything that still needs doing. Today… it feels like nothing’s missing. Like, for a few hours, nothing’s urgent enough to pull me out of here”.
JJ looked at him with genuine attention, the kind that wasn’t weighed down by expectation, just honest curiosity.
“Is that a good thing, or does it make you uncomfortable?” he asked, without irony.
“Good!” Net answered without hesitation. “A bit scary, maybe, but good. It’s like I’m only just realising how used I was to always be living one step ahead of myself”.
They sat in silence for a few seconds, not because the conversation had run its course, but because it didn’t need pushing forward. Because that was exactly the right point to let it become something else, something they didn’t want to control, something they didn’t need to control.
After what felt like a minute that lasted a bit too long, JJ laughed as he finished his glass of wine, and Net wandered into the kitchen without hurry, setting his glass down on the counter and glancing at the empty bottle on the side.
“D’you think we should open a second one?” he asked, casual in tone but carrying a clear intention to stretch out that suspended state. “Or have we already had too much for people who’ve got work tomorrow?”
JJ laughed, a low, loose laugh, tipping his head back against the sofa:
“I’m already a bit tipsy…” he admitted, no drama at all, lifting his glass like concrete evidence. “Probably more than I planned to be on a regular Tuesday”.
Net stopped at the kitchen doorway, leaning his shoulder against the wall, watching him without saying a word. He didn’t push, didn’t argue. He just waited. JJ clocked the silence, opened one eye, then the other, and let out an exaggerated sigh, like someone giving up resisting something they never really wanted to refuse.
“But…” he drawled, stretching the word as he sank a bit further back. JJ smile to Net: “If we’re opening another bottle, make it one of the best you’ve got. None of that ‘just another random bottle’ shit”.
Net didn’t grin widely or make any comment. He just nodded once and turned, opening the wine fridge with almost reverent care. He took out the bottle he’d been saving for special occasions, the kind he never quite knew when would happen, and set it on the counter as if it were the most natural choice in the world.
The second bottle shifted the rhythm of the night in a subtle way.
The low music in the living room seemed to spread more evenly through the space, mixed with the distant sound of the city already fading outside. Daylight slipped away slowly through the windows, leaving the sky a deep shade that contrasted with the warm glow of the indoor lamps. Dollar was curled up asleep near the bookcase, Chuchu perched between the cushions, his whole body loose and relaxed, as if this were, without question, the safest place in the world.
JJ reached out and started stroking Chuchu with slow, almost distracted movements. The cat shifted just enough to settle more comfortably into the touch, letting out a low, steady purr without even properly opening his eyes. There was absolute trust in that gesture, a calm surrender that warmed something in Net’s chest.
He watched in silence, a smile forming before he even noticed it.
It was impossible not to think it was too good. The way JJ leaned slightly to reach the cat better, the natural care in his touch, the way the space seemed to mould itself around them. For Net, that scene carried something that didn’t need a name. It felt like home. It felt like family. Not in a grand or definitive sense, but in that simple, everyday version where everything fits without effort.
He took a deep breath, taking in the wine, the sound, the presence, and thought, with a quiet clarity, that maybe this was it. Maybe the intensity was right there, in the absence of urgency, in the comfort of not needing to rush, of simply existing beside someone and realising that, for now, that was enough.
JJ suddenly laughed, a loose laugh that started low and grew too fast to be contained, catching Net’s attention before he even lifted his phone. He tipped sideways, nearly falling against Net’s shoulder as he tried to rein himself in, his eyes shining in that specific way that always gave away when something had really amused him.
“Look at this!” JJ said, still laughing, holding the phone out to show him the video. “People have absolutely no chill”.
On the screen, a video compiled small clips over the months: hands meeting a bit too quickly, shoulders brushing with no practical reason, the way JJ almost always leaned towards Net when he laughed, and how Net, more often than not, adjusted his body to accommodate it without even realising. Nothing was explicit, nothing scandalous. Still, seen in sequence, there was an intimacy that couldn’t be denied.
Net watched in silence, the corner of his mouth lifting in a restrained smile, more attuned to JJ’s reaction than the video itself. When the clip ended, he didn’t comment straight away. He just took another sip of wine, slowly turning the glass between his fingers, before speaking with a naturalness that made JJ’s stomach give a small lurch.
“I reckon it makes sense”, he said at last. “It’s like that because it’s real for me. Doesn’t feel like something I’m trying to show. It just… happens”.
The sentence was far too simple for the effect it had.
JJ moved the glass away from his face almost without noticing, setting it on the floor beside the sofa, the smile still there but now mixed with a sweet, uncomfortable frustration. He had answers on the tip of his tongue, a sharp remark ready to fire back in kind, but he didn’t say a single word. The compliment was too honest, too direct, and it hit somewhere he still hadn’t learnt to protect.
Net noticed. He bit his lower lip lightly in a quick gesture, satisfied not out of pride, but from the quiet realisation that he’d managed to reach JJ without forcing anything. JJ, meanwhile, pretended that the video or anything else on his phone was far more interesting, though he was really just scrolling without any real focus.
Time passed without either of them marking exactly when. The second bottle emptied at some point between spaced-out laughter and silences too long to be accidental. JJ only realised they’d been quiet too long when the sound of Net’s breathing shifted into a deeper, steady rhythm. He slowly lifted his head and then clocked his own position — he was lying with his head resting on Net’s stomach, the phone loose in his hand.
And Net had fallen asleep.
JJ stayed completely still for a few seconds, like any movement might break something delicate. Then, with almost reverent care, he shifted his body, lying face-down on the soft carpet. He propped his chin on his hand and just watched. The low light traced Net’s face gently. His lashes cast fine shadows over his cheeks, his brows were relaxed, his mouth slightly parted in a deep rest he rarely allowed himself in public.
There was a peace in him that left JJ strangely emotional.
He leaned in a little more without quite noticing and breathed in deeply. Net’s scent was subtle, warm, mixed with the smell of wine and the flat, and when JJ pulled back, he swallowed hard, feeling the physical impact of it. It was absurd to think that all of this had started with a quiet little crush, kept too carefully, hidden away in a safe corner of his chest for fear of ruining something that was already precious.
Even more absurd was realising it had been Net who crossed the space between them first, with a calm courage JJ had never dared test while he felt his feelings grow.
JJ touched Net’s cheek with his index finger.
The contact was light, almost nothing, and still it made his breath come out rougher as he dragged his finger slowly along the line of his face to his mouth. Net looked comfortable, surrendered to sleep, and the sight of it affected JJ in a way that was far too good. He leaned in again and whispered near his ear, his voice low, heavy with contained affection:
“Having good dreams?”
When he pulled back, he raised his brows at once.
Net’s eyes were open now, dark, far too alert for someone who’d just woken up. His warm breath mingled with JJ’s in the narrow space between them, and for a second neither of them said anything. They just stayed there, sharing that dense, alive pause where everything seemed suspended in time.
JJ smiled first, small, almost shy, and Net answered with a look that said more than any words could. And the tension between them didn’t arrive as a sudden jolt, but as a careful build-up, a line pulled too tight that finally gave.
Net brought his hand to the back of JJ’s neck with a firm, deliberate motion, his fingers settling as if they’d always known the way, drawing him back close without hurry but with no room for doubt. The movement was simple and yet loaded with intent. When their lips met, the kiss wasn’t rushed. It was almost too restrained at first, as if they were both testing the weight of it.
JJ smiled into the kiss, a short, involuntary smile that lasted only a second before fading as he closed his eyes and chose to give in fully. His breathing mixed with Net’s, warm, uneven, and what began as a careful touch grew denser, deeper, until it became too intense to sustain in that unstable position on the floor.
Net pulled JJ closer, guiding his body until they were lying side by side on the carpet, then wrapped him up in that protective, grounding way, like he wanted to shield and anchor him at the same time, and it made JJ’s whole body go slack in his arms, as if it had finally given up on staying alert.
When Net slid his tongue into his mouth, a shy sound slipped from the back of JJ’s throat, almost inaudible. They were tiny responses to every movement, and whenever Net pulled back just enough to tease him, JJ followed, chasing his mouth again.
The world seemed reduced to that space between them, to the texture of the carpet under their backs, tickling his neck, to the shared warmth and the distant purring of the cats sleeping nearby.
But then Net pulled away properly, still holding JJ against his chest, and as he slowly let his gaze travel from JJ’s face to his parted, flushed mouth and back to his eyes, he broke into a wide grin.
“No dream’s ever as good as reality…” Net murmured.
The comment made JJ’s face heat up instantly.
He tried to reply, but ended up laughing out loud, an open laugh that gave away the mix of embarrassment and joy, before calling Net an idiot between one laugh and the next. JJ tried to wriggle free, still laughing, but didn’t get far. Net held him firm, pulling him back into another kiss.
❋❋❋
The next day, the world came back far too slowly, as if it were still stuck in the night before. And JJ took a few extra seconds to settle into the passenger seat, his body heavy, his head throbbing slightly as he pulled the seatbelt on with an exaggerated sigh.
The morning sun cut through the windscreen at a low, relentless angle, pouring in through the windows with a brightness that felt far too much for someone who’d slept too little and laughed too much. He scrunched his nose, closing his eyes for a moment, like he was bargaining with his own body before accepting that the day had properly started.
Net watched it all in silence, with that kind of attention that no longer needed to be put into words. There was something oddly intimate about that simple gesture of JJ complaining about the light, about the way he rested his forehead against the glass for a second before pulling himself together, as if that car were a natural extension of the house they’d shared the night before. Nothing felt out of place. Nothing felt temporary.
“You should’ve had the hangover soup as I told you”.
JJ squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.
Just the mention of food was making him feel sick. Partly because he wasn’t used to drinking more than he could handle. And partly because the mix of the hangover and having gone to sleep on a full stomach was genuinely doing him in, and even thinking about putting anything in his mouth made that feeling spread through his body.
He gripped the seatbelt hard: “Just take me home…,” he grumbled.
Net laughed, rolling his eyes. But he didn’t argue, didn’t remind JJ that he’d warned him — more than once — that he shouldn’t keep drinking. He just did what he always did and carried on driving through the city towards JJ’s place without making a fuss.
A few hours later, because the traffic was absolutely ridiculous that morning, he pulled up outside the house and, before getting out, JJ reached over with far too much ease and grabbed Net’s sunglasses without asking.
He slipped them on slowly, adjusting the arms behind his ears with absent-minded care, as someone testing something he already knew would work. The gesture felt less like stealing and more like belonging, as if that small object were already part of the unspoken agreement between them.
He turned his face towards Net, still shielding his eyes from the harsh light, and smiled crookedly, pleased, far too comfortable to pretend otherwise. “That’s it, I like these glasses. I’m not giving them back”.
Net watched him for a second longer than necessary, his eyes following the careless way JJ adjusted the sunglasses on his face like it was the most natural thing in the world. The corner of his mouth lifted easily, not into a full smile, but that calm half-smile that showed up whenever he felt too comfortable to hide his affection. There was something quietly devastating about seeing JJ wearing something that was his, something that had sat on his own face for so long and now seemed to have found another place without any effort at all.
“That’s fine”, he said. “They suit you better anyway”.
JJ rolled his eyes behind the dark lenses, exaggerating the reaction like he needed to defend himself from the kind of comment that always caught him off guard, but the smile came anyway, inevitable, slipping out at the corners of his mouth before he could stop it.
He opened the car door with a lazy movement, still leaning out slightly before getting out completely, like he was putting off the end of that small, shared space
“See you in a few days, Phi”.
The door closed with a sound too soft to mark any real kind of break. Net stayed still for a moment longer than he needed to, his hands still resting on the steering wheel, watching JJ go inside.
And then he let out the breath he’d been holding, slowly, from deep in his throat, because see you in a few days rubbed him the wrong way, knowing JJ would be travelling with friends and not with him.
That meant he’d be alone for a few days, and it was a bit grim thinking about his flat, about the silence it would fall into without JJ there, because he’d already grown — genuinely — used to having him in his space.
When JJ dropped his rucksack on the floor and finished swapping his shoes for his slippers, he felt his phone vibrate in the back pocket of his jeans. He pulled it out, taking the sunglasses off carefully. The notification bar made him smile, because Net’s name was there in all caps:
The message was far too short to fit the weight of that day:
P’NEEEEEET:
it’s been about 10 months and I
don’t think you’ll find it anytime soon...P’NEEEEEET:
so look for the gift I left inside your pillow,
I reckon it’ll ease your heart even more...
JJ stood frozen in the hallway for a full minute, staring at the screen like the sentence was written in another language. Ten months. Gift. Pillow. His body took its time catching up, and when it did, it was like the energy rushed back all at once, electric, euphoric, absurd.
He let out a low, disbelieving sound, then bolted upstairs, nearly tripping over his own feet, crossed the bedroom and went straight to the bed. He grabbed the pillow. Shook it once. Nothing. Shook it again, harder, and then a folded yellow page slipped out and fell to the floor with a soft sound, almost ridiculous in how simple it was.
JJ froze.
He stared at the paper like it was a secret that had decided to reveal itself on its own. His heart thumped far too hard. He felt heat climb up his chest, his neck, and his throat tightened without warning.
He knelt down and picked the paper up carefully, like it was fragile, like it might tear just by existing. He unfolded it slowly, his hands a little shaky, and when he started to read, something in his face shifted. He blinked, too slowly. Drew in a deeper breath. And before he even finished the first line, his eyes burned.
Because Net had left it there without him noticing.
And somehow, that said everything.
I hope you know;
There isn’t anyone out there that
gets my attention the way you do.I’m all in for you.
There isn’t anyone who can keep me up all
night and have me thinking about them the
entire day the way I do for you.You’ve become the quiet pull in my mind,
the softness I never knew I needed.Every moment with you feels real, steady,
and impossible to replace.And the truth is,
I don’t want anyone else, just you.PS: This poem is what I feel for you.