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The confession was supposed to be the hard part.
At least, that’s what Mo Xi had heard. Except, well, he hadn’t heard that, because no one counseled him on how to properly court your longtime-best-friend-turned-friend-with-benefits. When he’d sought advice, Jiang Yexue had given him a funny look, Mengze had given him an even funnier look (but at least she smiled), and Murong Lian - who had been sought out as much as he had ‘overheard’ Mo Xi speaking to Mengze - had wrinkled his nose and told him to never speak to him again, but that Mo Xi was also probably just better off continuing to fuck the guy.
No, Mo Xi had essentially been on his own. According to his research into every movie, book, poem, and love song that this was the hard part. Confessing. Mustering up the courage to bare your heart to the most important person in your life, and being willing to accept whatever they said in return as gospel.
Nevermind the fact that, had Gu Mang turned him down - even as gently as his kind ge would have - Mo Xi would have simply stabbed himself in the heart and walked straight into the ocean, to save them both the trouble.
Nevermind the fact that, technically, Mo Xi had had to muster up the courage six times, in quick succession, because the first four, “no, really, I’m in love in love with you”s had flown right over Gu Mang’s head as he flapped his hand and laughed and said, “aw, I love you, too, princess.” The fifth - in which Mo Xi had simply grabbed Gu Mang’s face between his hands and kissed him right on the mouth - had been met by an absolutely adorable deer in the headlights look, even if it made Mo Xi want to slam his head into the nearest wall, or stomp his feet and cry in the middle of Gu Mang’s bedroom, which would have been both very childish and very embarrassing considering, at the time, they had both been incredibly naked.
But the sixth. Oh, the sixth.
“Gu Mang, I love you. Please - Please go out with me.”
It had been like asking for mercy, but the way Gu Mang’s eyes had flared to life as he surged up to kiss Mo Xi back ten times as ferociously? Totally worth it.
It had been the most enthusiastic “yes” Mo Xi had ever received. It was clumsy, but perfect for Gu Mang and himself.
So, really, no one can blame Mo Xi for the proverbial sigh of relief he let out when he thought, it’s finally over. He did it. He confessed, he got the guy, all was right with the world. Finally, finally - everything had come up Mo Xi, and it was over.
Except. Tomorrow came. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day.
No credits rolled, no fade to black. Life, believe it or not, continued on, and with it came yet new and undiscovered hurdles.
And he was dating Gu Mang.
None of his research talked about the part right after the confession, the whole… relationship part. The way things just… went back to normal.
Nothing in their lives really seemed to change. They still slept together, but now Gu Mang kissed him more, in and outside of sex. Sometimes, Gu Mang held his hand when they walked between classes. Which was all fantastic, don’t get Mo Xi wrong. But it felt like things should have… changed more.
“This is excruciating,” Murong Lian had offered his wisdom once again - unprompted, this time, as he popped sugar candies straight out of the bag. “You two were already practically glued at the hip. What more did you expect to change?”
Murong Mengze sighed and put her pen down in an extraordinary show of patience. The three of them had gathered in the library for a study session, before Murong Lian had, out of the blue, deemed Mo Xi too sulky to work with. Mengze’s irritation was directed at him, no doubt, and not Mo Xi, who had been perfectly content to keep his troubles to himself.
“Mo Xi,” Mengze said gently, “have you gone out on an actual date yet? It’s been three weeks already.”
“...No,” Mo Xi admitted, the realization dawning on him at the same time as it did Mengze. They hadn’t gone on a date, not a real one. Lunch didn’t count, they had lunch all the time. And neither did dinner, since they regularly ate at each other’s houses. Really, they spent so much time together as it was… Mo Xi just hadn’t thought of it.
In reality, Mo Xi has never gone on a date before, period.
He never liked anyone enough to ask. And if anyone liked him well enough to ask, he’d never liked them enough to say yes.
“Oh, please. That little trollop has been on a hundred ‘dates,’ I’m sure they’re nothing special to him,” Murong Lian quipped, waving his hand in a way that feels decidedly offensive.
“Murong Lian,” Mo Xi snapped.
“‘Trollop?’” Mengze repeated incredulously.
Murong Lian shrugged and popped another candy into his mouth. “I’m just saying. On the experience end of things, he has you beat. Believe me, I know. I’ve only lived with him my whole life.”
Mo Xi, as always, bristled at the reminder.
“Ignore him, Mo Xi. Whatever you come up with, I’m sure Gu Mang will love it,” Mengze said, then sighed again. Patience. “Now. Can we get back to the exam?”
He spent several hours that night agonizing over a list of possible date activities and locations, and by three in the morning, he’d only filled out about half of a page. With Murong Lian’s grating words echoing in his ears, he feared most of the things he came up with would be uninteresting to Gu Mang. If only he could ask Gu Mang what kinds of dates he’d been on in the past, but dying seemed less embarrassing than that. He wasn’t even sure if that would tell him what to strive for, or what to avoid.
It was only on the way to their regularly scheduled Saturday morning study session that Mo Xi looked up from the notes app on his phone long enough that he spotted a flyer outside of his cab.
Ocean Aquarium World Showcase: Penguin Shows every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 12 P.M. and 2 P.M.
He fumbled trying to open the camera on his phone to snap a picture before the car sped away, managing only barely.
When he showed Gu Mang the blurry and off-kilter image, he was kind enough to not laugh until after he’d given his enthusiastic agreement to the idea.
(“Penguin show? Is that where they make them do their cute little tricks and then throw fish at them?”
“It’s usually their feeding time.”
“And they just swallow those fish whole?”
“They usually aren’t very big fish.”
“Still! Doesn’t it look funny?”
“I guess so.”
“Haha! That sounds great. I can’t wait. Though, speaking of looking funny, Mo Xi… this picture - “)
Then, he proceeded to do re-imaginings of Mo Xi’s hastiness, snapping multiple unflattering images of Mo Xi in his kitchen. And really, Gu Mang’s laughter was all Mo Xi could have asked for.
They decide on Friday, because Mo Xi doesn’t have class after noon, and Gu Mang manages to get the last half of the day off from work by sweet talking one of his coworkers into picking up his shift.
Normally, Mo Xi doesn’t leave campus until well after five, so he momentarily forgets about midday traffic. He is quickly reminded, however, on the slow drag home in his cab. While he gets back to his apartment with an hour to spare, it becomes increasingly apparent that fighting traffic on the way to the aquarium is not an option if he wants to make it in time for the penguin show.
Normally, Mo Xi hates the metro. Really, he hates any crowded area, full of people and noise. He only ever leaves the train in a much worse mood than when he entered it, overstimulated and irritable, so he avoids it at all costs. It’s an incredibly inconvenient way to live your life while living in the city, but there are some things Mo Xi refuses to compromise on.
Except, of course, when it comes to Gu Mang.
So, a mere twenty minutes later, he sprints to the train station. He has to dig out his metro card that he keeps in case of emergencies, as well as remember how to navigate the station lines, all the while fighting his way through the crowds while trying to keep a scowl at least mostly off of his face.
And of course - of course - when he finally gets to the correct terminal, for what must be the only time in all of Shanghai’s history, the train he needs is delayed.
Another ten minutes, lost.
The train ride itself is a further twenty minutes, and after being squeezed in between a furiously coughing middle-aged man and a gaggle of teenage girls who keep giggling and pointing at him for most of the ride, Mo Xi feels like the force of his foot tapping against the metal of the train car could rock it off course so strongly that he sends it right off the rails. It’s only the paranoia of his powers of manifestation making him even more late that he stops his irate fidgeting.
By the time he gets off the train at 1:45, nauseous (and not just because of the train ride), it’s a mad dash for the aquarium. He could hail a cab, but he trusts his own two feet more than anything on wheels at this point, even if the sweat makes his post-class shower yet another huge waste of time.
The sidewalks are less crowded, but the train ride already has Mo Xi on edge as he climbs the stairs to the entrance of the museum. He almost runs straight in through the front doors in his haste, only barely registering the repeated calls of his name in time to skid to a halt. He whirls to find the source, only to spot the love of his life standing just a few feet away by the fountain Mo Xi had run right past.
“Mo Xi!” Gu Mang calls again as he waves him down, trotting over with a beaming smile.
Mo Xi is stunned speechless for a second, somehow caught off guard by Gu Mang’s sudden appearance.
“What are you doing?” he asks far too bluntly.
Predictably, instead of getting mad, Gu Mang laughs at him. “What am I doing? I’m waiting for you.”
“Why - I told you I was running late,” Mo Xi reasons. He’s trying not to make it too obvious that he’s only barely catching his breath. “You should have gone in without me. It’s cold. I would have met you inside.”
Gu Mang seems surprised by the suggestion. He blushes a little, shrugging it off, “I wanted to walk in together.”
It’s cute. Undeniably so. So much so that it makes Mo Xi want to jump into the fountain just to cool off.
“Ah,” he says instead.
Gu Mang’s eyes travel over him from head to toe, both eyebrows lifting just enough to make his appraisal noticeable. Mo Xi can’t help but do the same on reflex.
Gu Mang is wearing a pair of jeans and a sweater with some obscure video game character on it that he doesn’t recognize. His bag is slung over his shoulder, but sits lightly enough that Mo Xi knows he only brought it because he felt like he needed an accessory, and not because he actually had anything to carry.
He’s dressed down, but not unstylishly. Gu Mang has an intrinsic charm to him that makes everything he wears look good on him, to the point that Mo Xi doesn’t worry Gu Mang has overdressed, but rather makes Mo Xi worry that he himself is overdressed.
He wore slacks. And… a blazer. It’s a matching set.
He’s wearing a watch. He always wears a watch, but still. Is an aquarium date a watch-wearing event?
Gu Mang smiles at him, and Mo Xi at least thinks that it isn’t meant to make fun of him. Gu Mang seems genuinely appreciative, even if there’s an awkward little twinge to it that Mo Xi is too frazzled to decipher.
Wait. Watch. Time. What time is it?
Mo Xi checks his watch. 1:52.
Gu Mang opens his mouth at the same time that Mo Xi says, “Let’s get inside.”
He takes Gu Mang by the wrist and turns, hurrying them both up the stairs while he pulls their tickets up on his phone. The check-in goes smoothly, all things considered - though Gu Mang does seem particularly antsy at the security check, looking around expectantly.
“What’s wrong?” Mo Xi asks.
“Hm?” Gu Mang chirps, snapping his head back to look at him. “Oh, nothing.”
“You seem nervous.”
Mo Xi, master hypocrite speaking.
Gu Mang has the nerve to blow a raspberry at him, waving him off. “Well, I’ve never been to an aquarium before.”
At this, Mo Xi is confused. “What? Yes you have. You’ve come to see me at the aquarium multiple times.”
Granted, the aquarium Mo Xi interns at for his major is significantly smaller than this one. Less of an aquarium than it is a research center, but they take visitors all the same.
“Not a big one like this! Besides, picking you up from work is not the same thing as actually experiencing an aquarium exhibit,” Gu Mang wags his finger in Mo Xi’s face, to which Mo Xi whacks it away. He continues, “I’m surprised you suggested an aquarium in the first place, you know. Don’t you get tired of fish?”
Mo Xi shrugs.
“Unless… you just wanted to impress your Gu Mang-gege with all your fish-related knowledge,” Gu Mang gasps like it’s the most scandalous piece of gossip to grace his ears in months, grinning all the while.
Mo Xi rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t answer.
Yes. Yes, he did want to impress his Gu Mang-gege with all of his fish-related knowledge. Also known as his marine biology degree that he’s working very hard for. He might not be ashamed of that, but he won’t let Gu Mang let it go to his head.
Once they’re through the security checkpoint, Mo Xi’s pace picks up again. Gu Mang struggles to keep up with his pace, seemingly distracted by the sights and sounds of the exhibits around them, but Mo Xi tugs him along by the sleeve so they don’t get separated.
Suddenly, Mo Xi comes to a dead stop. He feels Gu Mang bump into his back with a small oof, while Mo Xi curses himself internally, checking his watch again.
1:56.
He turns towards Gu Mang, shoving his phone into Gu Mang’s hands.
“Here. The tickets for the show are on here, too - go find us seats. I’ll be right back,” he says. Gu Mang furrows his brow and opens his mouth to speak again, but Mo Xi speeds off back in the direction that they came.
He feels guilty running off on Gu Mang yet again, but Mo Xi has a plan. Nearly a week of careful, meticulous, step-by-step planning that he refuses to let go of just because his train got delayed. Mo Xi is better than letting his first date with Gu Mang - his Gu Mang - be ruined by a series of cosmically unfunny jokes being played at his expense.
Mo Xi rushes back to the gift shop situated conveniently by the entrance of the aquarium. His plan is to make a beeline for the stuffed animals, but it seems over half the shop is dominated by them. He hopes that they might be organized by species or even habitat, but there are jellyfish tangled up with salamanders, alligators resting beneath a mountain of clownfish. He finally finds the shelf of penguins, stacked up cutely in a little igloo display.
He scans their faces one by one in rapid succession, looking for the best candidate. His search is near-frantic, though no one would know by looking at his completely stiff and unmoving posture. Finally, his eyes settle on a lopsided set of beady black eyes, one wing noticeably shorter than the other. It’s a little misshapen and ugly, exactly the kind of thing that Gu Mang would get overly emotionally attached to on sight, begging Mo Xi to take it home or else it might not get adopted ever. Which is possibly true, given that it’s stuffed deep in the pile where hopefully it would be overlooked by most people passing by.
But not sharp-eyed Mo Xi.
He snatches the little penguin from its home and takes his new hostage to the cashier for purchase. She’s a bored-looking teenager, which seems promising to Mo Xi, until she meets his gaze and seems suddenly far more interested in her work.
Something about him has her flustered, and she’s moving slowly, trying to strike up conversation.
“Are you here by yourself?”
“No.”
“Oh… family?”
“No.”
“Girlfriend?”
Mo Xi goes to reply, but suddenly stops.
It isn’t even because he isn’t sure he wants to tell this complete stranger that he has a boyfriend, actually. Mo Xi has never particularly cared about that, but he’s never cared to make it other people’s business, either.
No, in reality, he pauses, because… Is that what Gu Mang is to him, now? His boyfriend?
He’d only asked for a date. Gu Mang had never agreed to being Mo Xi’s boyfriend. Though, maybe, if the date goes well, then…
Mo Xi doesn’t realize that he’s staring at her until far too much time has passed. The girl, now no longer intrigued by the handsome stranger who walked into her life, but rather weirded out by the awkwardly intense leerer who simply walked into her gift shop, clears her throat and rings Mo Xi’s total up.
Mo Xi blinks rapidly, scans his card, takes his penguin (no bag, thank you), and leaves.
It takes everything in him not to run through the aquarium’s slick tile hallways, shoving the penguin into his coat pocket, realizing only far too late that he sent Gu Mang to a location that he himself wasn’t sure how to get to. He tries not to panic as he finds a directory, searching for the symbol indicating where the penguin exhibit is and how to get there.
It’s only once he gets to the exhibit that a guide tells him that the exhibit is not the showroom, and he actually needed to make a left at the last hallway he passed.
Mo Xi doesn’t check his watch. He doesn’t dare.
He powerwalks with what feel like lead blocks locked around his ankles, back the way the guide directed him.
He sees the sign above the door.
SHOWROOM.
His heart sinks to the floor when he sees the doors closed and locked, security guards standing in front of the door handles.
It sinks straight to hell when he sees Gu Mang standing outside, kicking at imaginary rocks with his worn out sneakers.
He looks so disappointed, with that little pout that t makes Mo Xi want to leave the aquarium and never show his face in the city again - if it weren’t for the fact that the only thing worse he could do at this point would be abandoning Gu Mang in an entirely unfamiliar place.
Mo Xi might feel like an asshole right now, but he isn’t an asshole.
To his relief, Gu Mang looks up. To his horror, Gu Mang smiles nervously at him.
“Hey, um - Looks like we’re a little late. They said the doors don’t open again once the show starts…” he says. Mo Xi could pick up Gu Mang’s false, placating cheer if he were deaf and blind. He wants to melt into the floor.
“Why didn’t you go inside?” he asks dumbly, but it’s the only thing he can think of. Gu Mang had seemed so excited about the penguin show when he suggested it, that’s why Mo Xi sent him ahead. “I was the one who was late.”
If nothing else, it makes Gu Mang’s face change, if only to look at Mo Xi like he’s stupid.
“I already told you, I wanted to go in with you,” Gu Mang insists more firmly than before.
Mo Xi just stares at him, causing Gu Mang to scoff.
“What, do you want me to go on this date all by myself?”
Mo Xi winces, closing his eyes. Right. Of course.
It wasn’t just about taking Gu Mang to see the penguins. It’s a date. Of course Gu Mang would wait for him. They were doing this together.
It was Mo Xi’s fault that Gu Mang was stuck outside, missing the penguins doing their cute little tricks and swallowing fish whole.
He hears Gu Mang tsk, and before he knows it, there’s a hand gently prying his open, forcing his nails to stop digging into his palms. When he opens his eyes, Gu Mang is standing in front of him, holding his hand loosely. Mo Xi can’t help but interpret his smile as pitiful, but any smile of Gu Mang’s makes his heart soften.
“C’mon,” Gu Mang sighs. “I’m willing to bet you raced right over here from class without eating lunch, right? Let’s go find something to eat in this place.”
To Mo Xi’s surprise, there is a food court on the second level of the aquarium. Of course, if there was anyone with an ability to sniff out food in the most stressful of situations, it was Gu Mang.
The entire walk there, Gu Mang is typing furiously on his phone. It’s Mo Xi’s gentlemanly nature that prevents him from anxiously peering over to see what he’s doing, if he’s gossiping or calling a ride to leave as quickly as possible. Mo Xi quickly dismisses both of those thoughts, somewhat ashamed. Gu Mang wouldn’t do either of those things. Even Mo Xi’s anxieties won’t let him discredit Gu Mang like that.
Gu Mang sits them down at a small table in the corner, away from most of the other families and couples who had the same idea. Mo Xi is trying not to sulk, but even Gu Mang’s attempts to comfort him make him feel even lower.
The worst thing isn’t even his carefully laid-out plans going wrong - it’s Gu Mang so clearly being able to read him, to tell how hard he tried and how much he failed. Gu Mang will always put aside his disappointment to make someone else feel better about themselves.
Gu Mang shouldn’t be comforting him - Mo Xi should be apologizing. But Gu Mang would never allow that.
That won’t stop Mo Xi from trying, though.
“...Gu Mang, I’m - “
“Ah, what are you hungry for?” Gu Mang cuts him off, very rudely, but he doesn't look sorry about it in the slightest. “It looks like they have… a noodle stand, sandwiches, burgers… I think I see pizza, too.”
“Gu Mang.”
Gu Mang closes his mouth, but he doesn’t look at him.
“...I”m sorry,” Mo Xi finishes.
Gu Mang just sighs and smiles once again. “It’s okay, Mo Xi, really.”
“It isn’t. You were really excited about the penguins. I didn’t schedule things out properly.”
“You scheduled things out fine! You can’t help that you got stuck in traffic. Besides, it wasn’t the penguins I was excited about.”
Mo Xi frowns. “...You weren’t excited?”
Immediately, Gu Mang’s face drops. “No, that’s not - I didn’t mean it like that. Stop acting like the whole day is ruined! We’re still at the aquarium!”
Mo Xi gives a noncommittal grunt. It isn’t a denial though, so Gu Mang grins at him.
“Let’s eat some food and get rid of that hangry look.”
“I am not hangry - “
“You are, you always get hangry! Now, let’s get you some food and then we can find some other exhibits to look at. Maybe they have whales!”
“They definitely don’t have whales.”
“Well, we can look. And whoever is wrong has to call the other gege later.”
“‘Later’ - ?”
Gu Mang stands up from the table abruptly, scooting the plastic chair across the floor with a screech. “I said what I said! Alright. The almighty hunter Gu Mang-gege is going to find his didi some snacks to quell his rage. Wish me luck!” he announced, already turning from the table to venture towards the various food stalls.
Mo Xi was quick to look after him, “I didn’t even say what I wanted!”
“I know what you like!” Gu Mang called back over his shoulder before speeding away.
Mo Xi sighed heavily, though his shoulders felt a little lighter.
Yeah. He supposed that was true.
As Gu Mang disappears into the crowd, Mo Xi feels that lightness rapidly dissipate, and his head sinks into his hands as he closes his eyes. He hates this about himself - how Gu Mang’s presence alone feels like the only thing that can stave off the endless spirals that he falls into. He knows it’s an unfair pressure to put onto someone else, but at the same time, without Gu Mang, he feels like he would simply drown.
It’s why this whole first date thing had seemed so dire when Mengze had brought it up.
Murong Lian was right. Mo Xi knows that, though he’d be loath to admit it out loud. But Gu Mang had been on hundreds of dates, and Mo Xi had been witness to almost all of them. Or, at least, hearing about them, entirely against his will. Jealousy had flared up within him every time, and it was only this jealousy that had spurred him to enter into a sexual relationship with Gu Mang in the first place.
If it hadn’t been for hearing about one too many pretty girls that swept Gu Mang off his feet - or the other way around, which Mo Xi was equally likely to believe, given how Gu Mang’s charms had worked on him - then he might not even be in this aquarium in the first place.
But Mo Xi is tired of operating off of jealousy. He is tired of fighting tooth and nail to hold his place in Gu Mang’s life, to be his most important person, to be by his side no matter what else caught his attention. It’s a fight that he feels like he’s been losing, excruciatingly slowly, ever since he was twelve.
Because, frankly, Mo Xi isn’t sure what would be left of the “Mo Xi” that currently exists without “Gu Mang.”
Because Mo Xi loves Gu Mang. With every part of himself, truly and wholly. It’s not the kind of love that can be expressed so casually, so flippantly, by just accepting that Gu Mang might leave him someday. But could he ever say that to Gu Mang out loud? He isn’t even sure how seriously Gu Mang is taking this whole budding-dating-relationship thing, let alone how he might react to Mo Xi dropping to his knees in front of him and swearing his undying fealty to him for the rest of time. Which Mo Xi would have absolutely zero shame in doing, for the record. He can’t think of any other way to properly convey how exactly he feels. But not if it would upset Gu Mang. For all he knows, tomorrow, Gu Mang might just pat him on the shoulder and say they were better off as fuckbuddies and best friends, and Mo Xi -
What would Mo Xi do after that? What could he do?
He wants to prove that here, now, as an adult, he can be everything Gu Mang wants and needs. He can be capable and dependable, but he can also be fun and… easy-going.
Well… maybe just the first three.
As Mo Xi agonizes silently to himself for who knows how long, he’s snapped out of his worrying by a voice calling out. But this time, it isn’t his name that he hears.
“Gu Mang!”
Mo Xi’s head snaps up faster at the sound of Gu Mang’s name than his own
Somehow, Gu Mang had made it back to their table without Mo Xi even realizing, a tray of enough food for two people in his arms. But by the time Mo Xi notices him, Gu Mang is already looking away, towards the security guard jogging up to them.
Mo Xi doesn’t recognize him at first. He seems vaguely familiar, like without the black “SECURITY” ballcap, Mo Xi might have seen him a dozen times in a dozen places. But Gu Mang recognizes, as if he would recognize him no matter what he was wearing.
“Lu Zhanxing!” Gu Mang exclaims, visibly brightening at the other man’s presence in a way that makes Mo Xi feel a little nauseous.
Lu Zhanxing? Does Lu Zhanxing work here? How did Mo Xi not know? No, more accurately, why didn’t Gu Mang mention it when Mo Xi told him where they were going? Gu Mang had to have known. He doesn’t seem particularly surprised to see him, only… delighted. No doubt Lu Zhanxing’s appearance is a welcome reprieve from the uncomfortable atmosphere of Mo Xi’s bad mood.
One of only two people in the whole world who have known Gu Mang longer than he has. But at least the other is Gu Mang’s brother, and more importantly, Murong Lian.
But Lu Zhanxing, Mo Xi knows less well. They’ve only met a handful of times, and their one-on-one interactions are nonexistent. If it weren’t for Gu Mang, they might have never even met at all. In fact, the only thing he really knows about him is how important he is to Gu Mang. That, and that for some reason, Lu Zhanxing really doesn’t like Mo Xi.
Sure enough, as Lu Zhanxing’s eyes flick Mo Xi’s way, they narrow with a palpable disdain that Mo Xi can’t help but match on principle. Mo Xi puts it away though as Gu Mang looks back at him, setting the tray of food down in front of him.
“Hold on Mo Xi - look, I got you some steamed buns! I told you I knew what you liked - but, hold on just a sec, Lu Zhanxing is here!” he rambles hastily, giving Mo Xi a comradely pat on the shoulder before turning away from him again.
Mo Xi’s shoulder burns with envy.
Before he knows it, his hand has shot out to take Gu Mang’s wrist in a vice grip, effectively halting him from darting off. Normally, Mo Xi would let go out of pure appall at his own actions, but he feels frozen. All he knows is that, if Gu Mang runs off to Lu Zhanxing right now, it might just be the end.
Of what? Who knows. Probably Mo Xi.
Gu Mang simply looks at him funny, and it only takes a gentle tug from him, indicating he wants to be let go, for Mo Xi to release him instantly.
He wants Gu Mang to stay, oh, he’d kill for Gu Mang to not leave their little cafeteria table. But he would never force him. Could never force him. Not like that.
“I’ll be right back,” Gu Mang reassures once he’s free, and darts off to catch up with Lu Zhanxing halfway across the food court.
The distance that grows between himself and Gu Mang as Gu Mang walks away feels insurmountable, and it only grows worse as Gu Mang drags Lu Zhanxing around the corner out of sight.
Mo Xi feels utterly helpless. He tries to resist the urge to follow them, but he simply can’t. Whatever he sees, he know it’ll torture him to see Gu Mang chase after the first relief that showed up. And for it to be Lu Zhanxing, of all people - the person that, maybe, Mo Xi had been irrationally hypervigilant of since they were first introduced with Gu Mang’s arm looped through his, while Mo Xi still felt inappropriate touching Gu Mang too closely to his torso.
Things are different now. They’re supposed to be.
As he peeks around the corner, Mo Xi spies Gu Mang bouncing eagerly on the balls of his feet as Lu Zhanxing grins and rummages through a backpack that Mo Xi hadn’t spotted before. Mo Xi barely makes out what it is beyond a gray blob before Gu Mang is snatching it excitedly and holding it in the air like it’s his pride and joy.
Two beady, lopsided black eyes stare back at Mo Xi.
It’s a stuffed animal, and at this distance, Mo Xi thinks it's some kind of stingray. It’s a little misshapen and ugly, exactly the kind of thing Gu Mang would get overly emotionally attached to.
Gu Mang squeezes the thing to his chest and leaps up, dragging Lu Zhanxing down into a hug, yanking him around excitedly. Lu Zhanxing says something in protest, but he smiles as he pats Gu Mang on the back.
Mo Xi retreats back behind the corner, letting his head thud against the wall. Doom ripples through him like an ocean current.
Stingray? Did Gu Mang… like stingrays? Was this something Mo Xi didn’t know about him? Gu Mang loved dogs and wolves - Mo Xi knew that. Not stingrays.
But he certainly seemed excited. Mo Xi could recognize when Gu Mang was faking, and Gu Mang only ever hugged like that when he was truly happy.
The nausea is back in full force.
Mo Xi gets up from the table, abandoning the food that Gu Mang had gotten for him. He feels a little guilty about leaving it unattended and uneaten, but he doesn’t think he could keep anything down right now, and the only way to make today worse would be if he threw up in public.
Mo Xi hurries to the nearby bathroom, blessedly empty, and hunches over the sink to splash his face with cold water. It stings just enough to be grounding, but all it does is remind him of Gu Mang rubbing his back while he did this in high school, hyperventilating over tests. Or his uncle. Or his mom. Or the family business. Or university applications. Or -
Or anything. Mo Xi can’t think of a single time when Gu Mang hasn’t been there for him.
Gu Mang has always been a sturdy, unwavering presence in his life. And Mo Xi…
Mo Xi has always been a worry in Gu Mang’s. His anxieties, his short temper, his overthinking. His love for Gu Mang means it weighs just as heavily on him as it does for Mo Xi.
Gu Mang has never mentioned it, has always brushed off Mo Xi’s attempts to apologize. But Mo Xi knows.
As he looks himself in the mirror, he can practically see the gray hairs sprouting at his temples. Gu Mang would laugh at him, call him too young for this amount of stress. Mo Xi would argue that, by that logic, he’s too young for most of his life.
He’s tired of being a worry, a source of concern. He’s tired of Gu Mang having to look after him. Not if Mo Xi wants to love him. And god, Mo Xi wants to love him. But what does that mean? How does he love him? What’s too much? What’s not enough? What does he need to be the person that deserves Gu Mang? All Mo Xi knows is that he wants…
What… does Mo Xi want?
I just don’t want Gu Mang to leave. Whatever Gu Mang wants, whatever that means. I just don’t want him to leave.
But what does Gu Mang want? Mo Xi can’t begin to fathom. Any time he tries, he only ever comes up with the same answer: something that isn’t Mo Xi. Something he can’t be.
He splashes more water on his face, scrubbing furiously in an attempt to calm down. After several minutes, the door to the bathroom opens, and Mo Xi scrambles for a towel to dry his face off as the father who just came in leads his toddler by the hand.
Mo Xi straightens up, pushing his hair back up into place and straightening out his appearance. He looks presentable - he looks good, he’d made sure of that when he picked out his clothes on Monday - but he doesn’t actually feel any better, but the horrible feelings have mellowed out from a blaring alarm going off in his head, to an all-consuming, cold dread that has settled uncomfortably in his stomach.
He really doesn’t want to leave the bathroom. He pitters around the bathroom for a few more minutes, until the sounds of the father-son duo finishing up compels him to leave before they realize he’s still there.
As Mo Xi steps out, the cafeteria is much more busy. He only realizes why once he checks his watch - the penguin show must have just let out. With that bitter reminder, he scans the area, hoping to spot Gu Mang among the crowd like a beacon in the darkness, Lu Zhanxing or no Lu Zhanxing.
But no. Even after walking back to their table - now empty of food - Gu Mang is nowhere to be seen.
Mo Xi’s stomach sinks even more. Way past the floor, past hell, all the way to the earth’s core and into another dimension entirely.
But before he can completely break down into tears as a grown man in a public, family setting, Mo Xi’s phone buzzes in his pocket. Quickly, he fishes it out, only to see that he’s missed a small myriad of messages while he was pulling himself together in the bathroom.
> princess.
> princeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss !!!
> where did you go.
> mo xi >:(
> are you okay?
> did you leave?
> zhanxing said he saw you go to the bathroom. you didn’t even eat your steamed buns
> !!!
> okay well. when you come out, come to the second floor! next to the crustacean exhibit.
> take a right when you get to the top of the escalator.
> not a left.
> you know what, i’ll stand outside so you can see me. just come up!
Mo Xi sighs. Gu Mang’s patented 100 million messages a minute. Even with the dread, Mo Xi can’t help but smile at the endearing, bothersome nature of it.
He rolls his neck and takes a deep breath, preparing himself as he leaves the food court to locate the nearest escalator.
At least Gu Mang hasn’t left.
The trip to the top floor of the aquarium goes by in a blur. Mo Xi is carefully balancing a true herculean effort of avoidance: avoiding the number of people standing between him and Gu Mang, and avoiding the nagging thought that Lu Zhanxing might be waiting for him with Gu Mang when he reaches his destination.
He doesn’t think Gu Mang would drag Lu Zhanxing along for their date just to dispel the awkward atmosphere, but he also doesn’t trust his own judgement at this point.
However, when he reaches the top and follows Gu Mang’s directions, he finds himself face-to-face with a corded-off section of the aquarium. The ropes preventing entry display a sign that simply reads, ATTRACTION COMING SOON!
Gu Mang is standing next to the restricted area, hands in his pockets. His bag is slung over his other shoulder now, tucked behind his hip while he rocks back and forth on his heels. When Mo Xi makes eye contact with him, Gu Mang waves him over enthusiastically.
“There you are! Are you feeling okay?”
Of course, his first instinct is to check on him. Mo Xi just hums and nods.
“I’m okay. Sorry, I just… needed a minute. What are we doing here?” he asks.
Gu Mang straightens up and clears his throat, putting on an air of prestige that he normally doesn’t put on outside of speaking with professors he actually likes. He sticks out his hand, folding the other behind his back. “Mr. Mo Xi, please - follow me to your seats, right this way.”
Mo Xi reaches out to take the hand. He’ll always take Gu Mang’s hand. But even so, he furrows his brow in apprehension. “My seats?”
Gu Mang tugs him along, stretching his legs up and over to step across the ropes leading into the restricted area. Mo Xi grips Gu Mang’s hand harder, tugging him back.
“Woah - hey! Where are you going?”
“C’mon, Mo Xi! We don’t have a lot of time!”
“I know you can read. We aren’t allowed back there.”
Gu Mang rolls his eyes. “I have special permissions! Now let’s gooooo,” he drawls, trying to pull Mo Xi over the threshold with him. Unfortunately, Mo Xi isn’t budging.
“‘Special permissions’ from who?”
“From Lu Zhanxing! He works security here! Didn’t you see him?”
Mo Xi blinks, surprised. “I… Yes, but why…?”
“Because I asked him to!” Gu Mang insists, waggling their joined hands in the air insistently. “But we only have an hour, so let’s go.”
Mo Xi can only balk, the revelation knocking him so off guard that when Gu Mang next yanks him along, he has no choice but to stumble after him. He nearly falls, knocking over all of the ropes and signs and posts in the way, but Gu Mang manages to help him over without causing too much of a ruckus.
“But I don’t - Lu Zhanxing wanted to cheer me up?”
“Well, he wanted to help me cheer you up. This was my idea, to be clear.”
“I didn’t think Lu Zhanxing liked me.”
Gu Mang throws him a funny look over his shoulder, but Mo Xi only glimpses it for a moment as they move through the hallway into pitch darkness.
“Of course he likes you,” Gu Mang says with such confidence that, despite all of Mo Xi’s evidence to the contrary, it suddenly feels very silly to refute him. “If he didn’t, you would have gotten a shovel talk waaaaaay before now.”
Abruptly, Gu Mang walks them through a heavy curtain, and on the other side, Mo Xi is accosted by light and color from all sides. He squints and blinks, letting his eyes adjust to the change in atmosphere.
Gu Mang lets go of his hand and walks a little bit in front of him, turning to face him with his arms spread out. “Ta-da! Gu Mang presents… Um. The… Underwater Reef Tunnel!”
As Mo Xi takes in his surroundings, he sees that they aren’t in a room, but indeed a long, tunnel-like hallway. The walls and ceiling are domed glass, leading off in a curve to somewhere unseen. The floors are metal, looking like they might move in some kind of automatic, self-moving track, if they were powered on. But for now, they sit still and silent.
Behind the glass is water. The tunnel is built under a tank, and all around them, manmade reefs stretch out. Fish, sharks, crabs, and other sealife leisurely swim overhead, casting gentle shadows on the floor. Now that Mo Xi’s vision has adjusted, he can see that the lighting is actually quite gentle here. Artificial sunlight filters through the water from multiple angles, giving the tank just enough light to make every part of the habitat visible, but not so bright that it makes the tunnel feel bright and distracting.
Mo Xi is stunned speechless. Above them, a large catshark swims through a ray of light. Mo Xi watches as Gu Mang looks up, the shark’s shadow tracing across his face as he smiles.
“Gu Mang… what’s going on?”
Gu Mang’s smile falters, shifting into something more reluctant. He sighs wearily and trudges over to the wall, hefting himself up onto the ledge to sit. Mo Xi follows him like a magnet, his eyes never leaving Gu Mang’s face as he sits next to him.
“I thought you’d like it…”
“I do, I - “ Mo Xi lets out a frustrated breath. “I do, of course. It’s - It’s beautiful. But… How did you do this? Why did you do this?”
Gu Mang laughs then, a little pitiful. “It’s a date! What do you mean, ‘why’? It’s quiet and away from people, and it’s reef fish, you love those. I was surprised that you suggested a penguin show to start with, if I’m being honest.”
Mo Xi stares at him. Dumbly.
Gu Mang stares back at him. Dumbly.
“I asked you out,” Mo Xi says.
Gu Mang scrunches up his nose in confusion. It’s devastatingly adorable. “So? You think I’m not going to bring my A-game? Besides, our original plans got kind of messed up. And you were being so pitiful about it - “
“Hey - “
“I had to do something!”
Mo Xi pinches the bridge of his nose.
“What?” Gu Mang asks incredulously.
“Nothing, you just… You didn’t have to bail me out.”
“I’m not bailing you out,” Gu Mang says. He sounds genuinely confused by Mo Xi’s reaction.
“You are. This… I messed up the whole date. You have to have had a million dates better than this one, even on your worst day,” Mo Xi says. “I don’t… I wanted to plan this for you.”
“A million? Whoa. Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Gu Mang jokes. “But what about those dates? Those dates weren’t with you.”
Mo Xi isn’t sure how to answer that.
“Mo Xi,” Gu Mang says pointedly. “I wanted to go out with you. Not with the fish. Not with Lu Zhanxing - “
Mo Xi bristles at that, hunching his shoulder. Gu Mang knows about his stupid insecurities about Lu Zhanxing. He’s going to die.
Gu Mang smiles and reaches out, uncurling Mo Xi’s anxious fists once again. This time, he interlaces their fingers.
“Not by myself, either. I came out because I wanted to have a good time with you. I like you. You could take me anywhere, do anything, be three hours late and feed me the cheapest street food you could find that would give me food poisoning for a week straight! And it would be the best date I’d ever been on, tied only with every other date you’d ever take me on. Because I was with my princess, Mo Xi.”
Mo Xi swallows around a thick emotion that sticks in his throat.
“Gu - “
“Oh! I almost forgot,” Gu Mang says. He shifts Mo Xi’s hand from his right to his left - thankfully, not letting go, or else Mo Xi might really start crying - and reaching into his fashion-statement tote bag.
Mo Xi realizes that, as opposed to when they first arrived, the bag is not empty anymore.
Gu Mang retrieves a small gray blob from his bag. Misshapen. Kind of ugly. Lopsided.
Mo Xi sees it, and nearly calls the registrar’s office to forfeit his degree.
It’s not a stingray at all.
“Bowmouth guitarfish, right?” Gu Mang asks, an uncertainty in his voice only overpowered by his excitement. “That’s your favorite? I got it right, right? I had to get Zhanxing to send me a picture of all the ones they had, so I could pick the cutest one. I did good, right?”
Gingerly, Mo Xi takes the stuffed animal from Gu Mang’s hand.
“...It’s perfect,” he says wetly.
Gu Mang’s grin softens into something gentler, and he laughs softly. “If I knew you’d love him so much you’d cry, I would have given him to you way earlier.”
He nudges Gu Mang with his elbow, but Gu Mang simply leans in and lifts his head with his free hand, pressing a kiss to his lips. Mo Xi nearly drops the guitarfish in his enthusiasm to return the gesture, but he simply holds the stuffed animal in a vice grip as he wraps his arms around Gu Mang, practically pulling him into his lap.
Mo Xi loves him. He loves Gu Mang. He will love Gu Mang for the rest of his life.
And maybe, Gu Mang might love him too.
When they separate, Mo Xi hastily reaches into his coat pocket, producing the now-scrunched up little penguin, shoving it towards Gu Mang.
“This - it’s for you,” he pants, red-faced and overwhelmed by feeling. It’s the silliest thing he’s ever done. “I was going to… give it to you, during the show. I had a whole… plan. A bit. I was going to give it to you when you were looking away, and I -”
Mo Xi sighs and shakes his head. It doesn’t matter now.
Gu Mang’s jaw is hanging open - from the kiss, or the sight of the penguin, Mo Xi doesn’t know. It’s that deer-in-the-headlights look that he loves so much. But it is quickly replaced by the only other expression of Gu Mang’s that he loves even more - a big, dopey, in-love smile, as he scoops the penguin up.
“I love him,” he says. Then, he picks up the hand of Mo Xi’s holding the guitarfish, and makes their stupid little misshapen faces kiss under the dappled fake sunlight of the tunnel. He makes disgusting, loud kissy noises with his mouth the entire time.
“I love you,” Mo Xi blurts. Because he can’t help it. Because he can.
Gu Mang smiles at him. “I know,” he says, and Mo Xi only feels relief. “I love you too.”
Gu Mang rests his head on Mo Xi’s shoulder, holding both their stuffed animals in their laps. He never lets go of Mo Xi’s hand.
“Now. Tell me every single nerdy fact you can think of about every single fish in this tank. In under an hour!”
And Mo Xi does.