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Living with the Lans in the Cloud Recess was somehow exactly what Wei Wuxian expected, and nothing at all like he had imagined.
The first thing that struck him as somewhat odd was the fact that he wasn't really forced to follow the rules. He was married to Lan Wangji, who was now basically the highest-ranking member of the main family, now that Zewu-jun is in seclusion. For all intents and purposes, he was Lan-furen, even though no one called him that, so any potential punishments he theoretically earned could only be carried out by Lan Wangji.
And, well, let's just say, Lan Wangji wasn't in the habit of publicly punishing his husband. Wei Wuxian had found that if Lan Wangji was the one in charge of the punishments, it was much less of a deterrent than it probably should be.
An added detail was that Lan Wangji never seemed truly to mind if Wei Wuxian broke the rules. Sure, he would wear his adorable scowl and say Wei Wuxian's name in that deep voice of his, but simple things like sleeping late and drinking wine only earned him a small huff and a terribly fond look that made his insides feel like warm syrup.
With the relative freedom Wei Wuxian had been given, life at the Cloud Recess was quite enjoyable. He spent a lot of his days with A-Yuan and some of the other juniors, occasionally dropping into their classes and helping them with their work, or even giving impromptu lectures himself. Lan Wangji was a busy man, after all, and as much as he probably wanted to, he couldn't spend every waking moment with Wei Wuxian. He was essentially running the Lan sect while his brother was in seclusion, and that was no easy task.
However, Wei Wuxian had never been someone to stay within his bounds, the Jiang Sect's motto was the 'Attempt the Impossible,' and being part of the Lan Sect had never changed his heart.
He found himself remembering the things that had made his time at Lotus Pier so fun, and then he remembered the look on Jiang Cheng's face when he fell for Wei Wuxian's endless pranks.
His face broke into a wide grin.
Yeah, that could work.
Lan Wangji obviously doesn't have much experience with pranks. Who in the Lan Sect would dare prank their second young master? He had so much material to use!
Feeling giddy with excitement, Wei Wuxian got up from his spot in front of the desk he had been sitting at and scanned the room. His eyes fell on the chest that contained Lan Wangji's pristine white robes, and he couldn't help but giggle to himself as he approached.
Later that evening, after Lan Wangji was back in the Jingshi after barely seeing each other all day, the pair were getting ready for bed. Wei Wuxian tried his best to stop his snickering as Lan Wangji reached into the chest to pull out some sleeping robes, though it was a difficult battle.
"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji's even voice cut through the room, and as he turned to face him, Wei Wuxian couldn't help it as his face broke into a wide grin.
Lan Wangji was standing in front of him, his eyebrows pulled together in a slight pinch, holding his robes, which were dyed a stunning light pink colour.
"Ah, Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian's laughs were spilling out of him, "Lan-er-gege, I'm sorry! I was washing our clothes together, and my red robes must have dyed yours pink! I truly had no idea such a thing could happen!"
Lan Wangji didn't point out the obvious, that someone else did their laundry, and that Wei Wuxian hadn't needed to wash his own robes in months. Instead, his face smoothed back into that serene look he often wore these days, and he quickly changed into the pink robes. Wei Wuxian was left gaping at the sight of his husband, in all his jade-like glory, covered in pink.
"Lan Zhan! I'm sure we have white robes around here somewhere, you don't need to-"
"Do not be wasteful," Lan Wangji said, still looking completely unrepentant at the fact that he was about to send his poor husband into an early grave.
"Lan Zhan, Hanguang-jun! You can't be seen around in these colours!"
"Does Wei Ying dislike it?" Lan Wangji asked, impossibly composed.
Wei Wuxian - finding it impossible to come up with any words - just groaned and fell onto their bed. "My husband is so cruel to me!"
Well, that failed.
─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───
Wei Wuxian was not a quitter!
Sure, the first prank hadn't worked exactly as he had hoped, but that was purely because he wasn't reading his enemy's mind the way he should!
Never underestimate your opponent!
Out of everyone, Wei Wuxian knew how truly unrepentant his husband could be, especially between the two of them, so why would pink robes affect him? Granted, they had greatly affected everyone else who had seen Hanguang-jun in pink robes the next day, looking more like he belonged in a women's flower house than the Lan dining hall, but Lan Wangji's uncle had very quickly delivered a giant trunk of white robes to the Jingshi, so that solved that problem, at least.
No, pranks that would work on Lan Wangji needed to inconvenience him in a noticeable way, Wei Wuxian was certain this would be the answer.
That was the reason why he was currently turning all their furniture upside down.
The bed was a bit unruly, and he didn't touch any of the plants, but about an hour before Lan Wangji would be returning to the Jingshi for the night, all their furniture was upside down.
Perfect!
Wei Wuxian quickly left the scene of the crime, finding himself lingering outside the junior's hall, listening to the babble inside, just slightly louder than it probably should be, thanks to a certain someone. Was eavesdropping forbidden? Sure, but only if he was caught.
"I don't know if my mind will ever recover," Lan Jingyi moaned out, and a thudding sound was heard, the boy had probably collapsed on the floor.
"Personally, I don't see what was so strange about it," Wei Wuxian heard his perfect angel of a child say.
Jingyi made a truly unrefined spluttering sound, "Strange? Strange? An animal acting weird, that's strange, or the weather behaving in a way you don't expect. This was… something else."
"He just wore a different colour," A-Yuan mumbled a little quieter than before, "I think he liked it, he looked nice."
Truly, Jingyi's ability to create inhuman sounds was starting to impress Wei Wuxian the more he listened. "He's Hanguang-jun! I've never seen him in anything other than white and blue! How did this even happen? Is he secretly colour blind and we just never noticed?"
"Somehow I don't think that's the answer," A-Yuan said, his voice coloured by amusement, which made Jingyi let out another incomprehensible noise.
Wei Wuxian felt a little bad - after all, he'd had a very similar reaction to Lan Wangji in pink last night.
Lan Wangji was already too beautiful, if you add colour to the mix? Who would be able to survive? He could just imagine Lan Wangji draped in a rainbow of silks, looking so cold and yet welcoming at the same time-
Yeah, that was not a sight the general public could comprehend.
A moment of silence passed between them before A-Yuan let a small giggle, "Did you see whose face was covered in ink at breakfast?"
Rather than more non-human noises, Jingyi let out a loud snort and broke into a fit of laughter, "I did! I don't want to be the poor person who tells him what's on his face, I don't think he noticed at all!"
"Do you think he just fell asleep on a desk, or do you think someone did it to him?"
"Who would be brave enough to put ink on his face? He's so forgetful that he probably just didn't think to check!"
A-Yuan's laughter was a lot softer than Jingyi's, but it still made Wei Wuxian smile, even if it was at the expense of whoever was stupid enough to walk around with ink all over their face.
Getting up from his hiding spot, Wei Wuxian decided it was time to execute the final stages of his plan. He was going to find Lan Wangji before he finished his work and walk with him to the Jingshi, so it would be impossible for him to be the culprit of this event if he was with Lan Zhan the whole time!
Luckily for him, he was able to find Lan Wangji exactly where he suspected he would, working diligently in the library, probably looking up rice harvest reports from previous years, or something equally boring, which he would nevertheless tackle with his full attention.
"Lan Zhan!" He called out, making the man - thankfully no longer in pink - look up at him. His eyes crinkled in the very slightest way, which never failed to make Wei Wuxian's insides turn to jelly.
Suddenly, Lan Wangji's mouth dipped the slightest bit into what could have been considered a frown, "Wei Ying, did you fall asleep on your talismans?"
Wei Wuxian sat next to Lan Wangji and felt his eyebrows draw together in confusion, "What? No, Lan Zhan, I haven't worked on my talismans today at all!"
"Hm," Lan Wangji tilted his head, his eyes still scanning Wei Wuxian's face with that slightly pinched expression.
"What 'Hm'? Lan-er-gege, speak clearly to your A-Ying." Wei Wuxian threw his arms over Lan Wangji's shoulders, burying his face in his husband's shoulder with an overdramatic sigh.
"Wei Ying!"
He pulled back a bit and looked at Lan Wangji, and then he saw what Lan Wangji must have seen since he first walked in. The pure white robes that Lan Qiren had given to Lan Wangji just this morning now had black ink spots on the shoulder where Wei Wuxian's face had been.
"Ah!" Wei Wuxian's hands came up to his face, likely doing nothing but smearing the ink around, but he pulled his hands away and saw them covered in the black substance, "Lan Zhan! Has this been on my face all day?! When did this happen?! Oh no, did I walk around like this? Lan Zhan, why didn't you tell me?!"
His cruel husband turned back to his books, "I was preoccupied by the state of my robes this morning, I must have missed it."
Wei Wuxian ignored his horrible and mean husband and ran to find a reflective surface. Luckily for him, the Cloud Recess was never lacking in silver ornamentation, no matter how small. He saw a tiny ornamental gong, probably only used for meditation or something like that, and looked to see a series of random squiggles on his face, the ink in some places dried out, which only added to his humiliation. He had gone to breakfast like this! He had talked to both Lan Qiren and A-Yuan like this!
Suddenly, the conversation he overheard earlier made much more sense.
"Lan Zhan! How did this happen? Did someone break into the Jingshi? I haven't even touched an ink brush all day!" Wei Wuxian hurriedly tried to wipe his face with his sleeve, but it was accomplishing little more than moving the ink around and pushing it deeper into his skin.
Lan Wangji silently offered the cup of water he had been sipping on while working, but Wei Wuxian was only grateful for a moment before he tried to wipe it away again and found that the water had only rehydrated the dried ink, and now it was all over his face, hands, and clothes.
He's so lucky he wears black.
"Hanguang-jun! Who would be cruel enough to do such a thing to me! I'm never cruel to anyone!"
"Hm,"
"See, you agree! I've never pranked anyone!"
"Hm,"
"Lan Zhan, we need to interrogate everyone in the Cloud Recess, they can't get away with this!"
"Here," Lan Wangji handed Wei Wuxian his pure white handkerchief, which he quickly soiled, but it finally helped to get most of the ink off of Wei Wuxian's face. Wei Wuxian pitifully buried his now mostly clean face into his husband's lap.
Lan Wangji started running his fingers through Wei Wuxian's hair before he spoke again, "Does Wei Ying truly not know who could have done this?" His voice sounded strangely hesitant, but Wei Wuxian let out a small huff.
"Well, it obviously wasn't you, so who else could have gotten into the Jingshi last night? Maybe A-Yuan? He's keyed into the wards, and I know he can be a little trickster when he wants to be. Remember how he made you buy him all those toys in Yiling all those years ago? He takes more after me than people think!"
The look on Lan Wangji's face was unbearably fond, but Wei Wuxian forced himself not to focus on it in favour of uncovering this mystery.
"Jingyi is also part of the main clan line, he could theoretically get into the Jingshi, but somehow I doubt he's sneaky enough for that. Lan Zhan, do you have any other little cousins or nieces and nephews I should know about? How big is the Lan family exactly?"
Lan Wangji's hands continued their movement in Wei Wuxian's hair, "Wei Ying is thinking too hard,"
Wei Wuxian sat up, "Thinking too hard? I think you're not thinking enough, Lan-er-gege! Obviously, there's a conspiracy underfoot, this was just a test to see what they could get away with!" He was fully standing now, pacing around the library.
"Wei Ying, who is always in the Jingshi every night?"
"Just you and me, I've already said this, Lan Zhan, keep up!"
"Mm, Wei Ying has made great points,"
"Yes, but none of them seem to fit! Who would break into the Jingshi just to draw on my face?"
"Has Wei Ying done anything lately to require retaliation?"
That caused Wei Wuxian to pause for a moment. What had he done recently? Nothing he could think of, maybe interrupting a lesson, talking back to one of the elders, pranking Lan Zhan-
…
Wait.
No, that wasn't possible.
It was absolutely inconceivable.
There was no possible way that Lan Wangji - Lan Zhan, Lan-er-gege, Hanguang-jun - had pranked him.
Wei Wuxian blinked and looked to meet his husband's face, still smooth as jade, unfailingly beautiful, that fond look in his eyes, but there was something else.
A smirk.
Lan Wangji was smirking at him!
If he wasn't the world's leading expert on reading Lan Wangji's facial expressions, he probably would have missed it, but that raised corner of a lip was unmistakable.
"Lan Zhan!" He found himself unable to say anything else, simply staring at his horrible, evil husband, who looked so unrepentant it was astonishing.
"Wei Ying."
"Hanguang-jun! Just wait until I tell everyone what an awful husband you are! Drawing on your beloved spouse's face in his sleep! That's certainly worth some punishment, isn't it?"
"As is tampering with others' clothing."
Well shit.
Wei Wuxian stared at his husband, who was still wearing that annoyingly attractive smirk, and in an instant, he found himself doubled over in laughter.
"Lan Zhan! How did you come up with this, huh? I can't imagine the disciples of the Cloud Recess are known for playing jokes on each other." He wiped away the tears welling in his eyes as he sat next to Lan Wangji again, leaning on his shoulder and letting Lan Wangji's arm wrap around him.
"Thought about it."
"Hm? You thought about pranks to play on people? Somehow I don't believe that."
"Not people, just Wei Ying."
"Oh," That warm feeling filled him again, and made him snuggle closer to his husband, looking up at his face.
Lan Wangji had never been a vocal person, but Wei Wuxian knew that something was on the tip of his tongue, so he waited until the words found their way out.
"I wondered what sorts of jokes Wei Ying would play on me, if he got the chance, and I had thirteen years to think of ways to retaliate." He sounded so matter-of-fact about it all, Wei Wuxian's giggles were threatening to spill out again.
"Ah, Lan Zhan, you spent so much time thinking of ways to get back at me for my pranks?"
"Mm,"
"Does anyone ever tell you you're hilarious, Hanguang-jun?"
"Only Wei Ying."
The rest of their time in the library was spent quietly as Lan Wangji finished up his work, letting Wei Wuxian keep resting on him as if it were the most natural place in the world.
As they made their way back to the Jingshi, Wei Wuxian couldn't help but feel like there was something he had forgotten about. He'd come looking for Lan Wangji specifically, but his brain was too tired to think too hard about why.
That was until Lan Wangji opened the door and saw the mess that was their house.
Well, mess might be a strong word, in Wei Wuxian's opinion! The furniture was exactly where it should be, just… flipped!
"Wei Ying." Lan Wangji let out an exasperated sigh, turning to look at Wei Wuxian, who, for the second time that night, found himself on the floor, dying of laughter.
"Ha! Lan-er-gege, now that I know you can fight back, I'm going to go full force! This is simple compared to what I'm going to plan!"
It was too hard for him to see Lan Wangji's face between the tears in his eyes from the hysterical laughing, but if he could, he would have seen that same fond look in those golden eyes.
But no matter what Lan Wangji said, Wei Wuxian was confident he would win this impromptu prank war, hands down!
"Mark your words."
…
He was ninety per cent confident he would win this impromptu prank war!