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It happened in the blink of an eye.
The Doctor, Rose, Ryan, Yaz, and Graham were strategically positioned, holding devices that would disable all armed weapons in the city, saving the population from the invasion and ensuring their sovereignty. It was an exhausting day, with many traps and unexpected twists and turns, all coming to light thanks to a very bright 11-year-old boy, a brave soul who broke the silence and asked for help for his people. The Doctor seemed particularly fond of him, everyone thinking that of course she would be, he was a child, why wouldn't she? But Rose knew. She knew who he resembled, she knew who he reminded her of, with his curious eyes and quick, inventive hands. Many long night-time conversations with her husband taught Rose about everything in his life, including his firstborn son, a brilliant boy who would grow up to be an unprecedented Timelord. And then he would take part in the persecution of his own father and his granddaughter, in a time box stolen from his people.
So when the boy realises that they are about to be sneak attacked, with no chance of defence and putting the entire small planet at risk, he doesn't think twice before breaking away from the group and attacking, taking the enemy with him. All they hear is the Doctor's dry scream echoing before she disarms her weapons, while the small containment grenade annihilates them both. Friends dying in a fight was nothing new to her, even children she couldn't save, but this time there was something more. After the destruction of Gallifrey, the return of her oldest enemy, the loss of everything again, Rose thinks, watching this scene was more than anything else watching her son die before the time when he lost all innocence and admiration for the universe. As selfish as it was, Rose also takes a deep breath, thinking of Mia so many centuries ago.
She runs to catch her, but the Doctor is already far away, running back to the TARDIS, leaving everything behind without even watching the fight that just ended, the people celebrating. No time to hear thanks because, to her, she failed, and Rose understands the feeling. Yaz runs after her, a nice gesture that would bear no fruit, as this incarnation was a pro at hiding and deflecting. Graham looks lost, hands in his pockets, though the corners of his eyes tremble, holding back tears. Ryan can't take his eyes off the bluish stain on the floor where the boy was moments ago, and there is something in his eyes, like irritation, indignation. She hopes them all find their peace, because she knew she wouldn't. The TARDIS, silent and just a little darker than usual, takes flight without much tremors this time, possibly sensing the mood. Everybody to their rooms, the Doctor meeting no one's eyes. Ryan stays the longest, lingering as if he wants to ask so many questions but finds no voice to do so, until he too, leaves. Rose just sits there, watching.
×
"Doc, Ryan and I want to stop by home, if that's okay."
They slept for at least twelve hours straight, Rose's sense of time told her, Yaz was still stirring her black tea in her own mug, and even she looked at them confused. The Doctor didn't move, just as she hadn't moved this whole time.
"We just got back from a stop in Sheffield."
"Yeah, but it's not every day you watch a child die. So, sorry if we need some time." And there it was, Rose closed her eyes and opened them slowly, knowing that this dam was about to burst.
"From experience, in situations like these, we should stick together. Talk."
"Bullshit." He says, not angrily, just wearily. "The Doctor never talks, she just carries on as if it's nothing and expects us to do the same." The Doctor flinches at this, gets up without saying anything, operating the controls.
"Boy, you know that's not true. It's hard for all of us." Graham leaves a hand on his back, looking at everyone in the room. "Doc will take us home, right?"
"Of course." Her voice is low, restrained. To anyone else, it might seem weak, but to Rose, it reminds her of a man in a leather jacket with a lot of bottled-up anger.
“Good.”
“It's your right to want to breathe a bit but really, you don't have to deal with these feelings alone.”
“I’m sorry, Rose, but you also are not one to tell us much.”
“Ryan, I understand you, but I think that's too much.” Yaz places her mug by the panel, getting closer to Rose.
“Listen.” The Doctor says more loudly than she needed, bringing the room to a halt. “I really am sorry about what happened to that kid. But there was nothing I could do. Sometimes there's nothing I can do, no matter how much I want.”
“You say this but sometimes I don't know if you really mean it.” His voice cracks up a bit, almost revealing all the pain and despair inside “That you're sorry or that you couldn't do anything. Couldn't you really do anything?” He breaks, and now the Doctor slams her fists against the panel before shouting.
“I told you, Veralli, there was nothing I could do! Can't you listen?”
Silence. Then the sound of air being sucked through regretful lips. Rose stands.
"Who's Veralli?" Yaz whispers, one hand on Rose's arm. Graham is back with his hand on Ryan's back, who seems lost in his own thoughts. The Doctor's eyes are wide, incredulous. There it was. That dam had been about to burst for centuries.
“If I could, I would've… Ryan.” She breathes slowly. Everyone understands that the Doctor is not in any condition to do anything at the moment, stepping away from the controls and sitting on the furthest step. She does not cry or show any sign of discomfort, she just sits there, completely motionless, her eyes staring into nothingness.
Rose flies to Sheffield, where she parks and looks at the three of them. The difference between her and the Doctor is that she has never been the best at hiding her feelings. Even centuries since she herself was a lost 20-year-old girl, her eyes still have tears begging to fall, the tip of her nose red.
"We're here, you can drop by at home if you want." Her voice is shaky, many of her own memories flooding her mind.
“I'm making everyone tea.” Yaz is the first to speak, disappearing into the corridors. Graham leads Ryan so he also sits down and in a moment everyone is sitting in the silence of their home, steaming tea made to everyone's preference - presumably the TARDIS' help - in hands. Rose pours a little more milk and honey into the Doctor's cup, sitting closer to her.
“I know the look in both of your eyes.” Graham is looking at the floor when he says it. No one looks at him but everyone definitely listens. “It’s grief. And not only for that amazing little guy back there.”
“When you watch your children die.” Rose finishes her cup, placing it on the floor and caressing the nearest column, maybe for comfort, if anything “Every single child who dies is them again.” She hopes this is enough for them to understand, even just a bit, they are all again looking at the timelord, her fingers trembling a little.
“And you…”
“A daughter called Mia.” She can't stop the smile that spreads on her face “And only her. Once I noticed I wasn't aging at the same speed as everyone else I loved, I stopped even trying for a second. She died at 15, at least in human age, also being brave like every kid seems to be.” She tries so hard to shift the attention from her Doctor, to let her breathe without so many eyes on her.
“I am so sorry, Rose. I can't imagine how difficult it is to start again after something like this. It takes a ton of courage.” Yaz smiles at her, then glances at the Doctor, Rose knowing the words are for her too.
“Yeah. Well. It's her face who keeps me fighting every time I think of giving up so in a sense she's always with me.”
“I'm sorry for how I reacted.” Ryan blurts the words, as if it would be too hard if he waited more to say them. Everyone in the room understands the feeling too well. “It's just…”
“It's okay, Ryan. Don't blame yourself for reacting like a human would, it's much of why I travel with all of you.” The Doctor still looks small and angry, but at so many things that it's difficult to place them. Ryan nods, Graham follows him to the door.
“We'll be back by the night, don't leave without us, Doc, Rosie.” Rose smiles at the nickname, watching them attentively.
“I'm going to take a shower. Anything you need, just call me.” She says to both of them and Rose appreciates the undertone of her words. I'm not leaving.
Once they're alone, Rose scoots closer, touching their arms together.
“There's something I wanna show you.” The Doctor looks at her, red and despair injected into her irises. With one hand she holds Rose's, with the other, her fingers touch her left temple. Rose sighs, opening the barriers of her mind and guiding her to the desired memory.
The first thing she recognises are the Zeppelins in the sky, then the visible way the air moved differently. Although the bushes were brownish and a fine dew covered the landscape, it was unmistakably a garden, probably at the back of her house, as the Doctor recognises the two figures standing there as Rose herself, younger, and her own metacrisis version, with whitish hair and a slightly tired posture.
They were looking at their profile, who were staring at two greyish stones with flowers growing around them. Two names. Veralli XI and Mia Tyler. Side by side. Siblings separated by ten lifetimes.
Younger Rose and her Doctor hug each other, her tears staining his clothes. This Rose and her Doctor also embrace, but it's the latter who tightly grabs Rose's shirt and lets go of everything that's been hiding inside her chest. Outside of the memory, she holds her close as if to show nothing can hurt her there. She knows it's a lie, but it's a nice one to tell.