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He was sitting there on the railing looking out over the water, the moon making the ocean glimmer like silver. The wind was flowing over the waves up onboard to greet him, brushing against his exposed arms and ruffling his hair. It was pressing against his mask, slipping in between the holes, bringing in the familiar scent of seaweed and salt water. He at times missed walking around without the mask, it got stuffy inside despite the holes. But the discomfort it brought him to take it off, to show his face openly was worse. Especially after the smile fruit that had plastered a grin on his face that he could not get rid off no matter what he tried or felt.
He breathed in deeply, filling his lungs with the ocean air.
The ocean…
Something that had always been to both enjoy and respect. He had learnt that since he became a pirate, well, since he was a kid really and had stood there by the shore for the first time and seen how the waves could spit up scrap and pieces of ships it had claimed, but also feed you with plenty of fish. He remembers walking along the shore, digging in the scrap metal and sand, trying to find something he could bring back to Kid to tinker with or fixup.
The ocean could give you everything you wished and just as quickly punish you with death when disrespected. She would carry your ship in her arms, port to port but if you ignored her strong waves and raging wings she would just as easily smash you against those very shores you wished to dock at.
“Respect the ocean” that was something everyone who had stepped foot on a boat knew if is so was a navyship, pirate vessel or fishing boat. And now he had spit her in the face.
The grip he had around the reeling tightened so hard his hands ached.
He had eaten a smile fruit. He had insulted her, it didn't matter what the circumstance was. She didn’t care and was incapable of forgiveness.
Killer had chosen to attempt to save his captain over her, and in response she had turned her back to him. Left him because he decided to deal with devils.
He could never swim again. That reality was still sinking in.
He would never take another breaststroke, he could never again dive under the waves, feel the coolness of it against his skin on a hot day. Never able to float on the surface and look up towards the clear blue skies and just exist, feel weightless. No matter if it was for fun or an attempt to save his captain like he had done so many times before. If he ever jumped after Kid again, then he would just drown with him. Join him in his fate, sink down into the darkness hand in hand.
He moved his head, looking right down into the water way down under his dangling feet, not seeing the bottom. The ocean was too deep, the water too dark, almost black, like it was all just an endless void.
His heart started to beat harder inside his chest, and goosebumps spread all over his arms.
He knew it was probably his mind playing tricks, but it was almost like he could sense the contempt radiating from it. Like the ocean was alive, a wild hungry beast. Like every wave that licked at Victoria Punk’s side was like claws scratching at it, wishing they could climb higher and drag him down into its jaws. Make him fall down into that darkness, swallow him whole, fill his lungs, suffocate him, make him go under the waves and never resurface.
The quick, painful and silent death.
Punishment.
He let out a cough as the memory of being dipped over and over again in that damn pool reared its ugly head in his mind. How he hadn’t been able to stop laughing, his mouth open, inviting more and more water into his lungs and them burning in pain. How his body had grown heavier than he had ever felt before, the water now refusing to carry any of his weight. Like a mother refusing to pick up their young child into her arms ever again.
‘I hate you. I hate you. I hate you’ it felt like the water was hissing as it was filling his lungs. Like it took some cruel joy of stealing his air. In making him feel weak and helpless in comparison to her endless power.
Despite drowning he had forced his eyes open, feeling the burn as the water touched them but he refused to close them again. He looked at the blurry form of Kid that had been right next to him. His mouth was shut tightly, his cheeks puffy as he held in the air. That would save himself a few more seconds of air. Maybe a few more seconds in this cruel world.
Killer had eaten the smile fruit in hope of saving him and he had failed. The shame of it all. The burning shame he had felt. He had failed, his face had been exposed to all to see, he could not stop letting out that horrible laugh he hated so and now the most important person in his life was going to drown because he was nothing but a weak failure.
‘I’m sorry Kid. I’m so fucking sorry’ that what he had wanted to say before, wanted to say now, but he just couldn’t stop laughing. Couldn’t contain himself while his partner had been on his knees looking up at him with tears in his eyes begging him to just stop.
‘I’m sorry.’ came out as a laugh and another mouthful of water into his lungs.
‘You chose him over me. Then you can drown together’
That had been hell. There was no other word to describe it.
If it had not been for Big Mom showing up and picking a fight with Queen they would probably have both died back there…(And Luffy and Luffy's friends but Kid had banned Killer from bringing that up…Killer still did when he felt like annoying him).
He didn’t know for how long he had been sitting there and just staring into the waves when he was finally able to shake himself out of it and lifted his head to look towards the horizon again. There would be a sunrise soon, that silver glimmer on the waves would turn gold. The dark skies turn delightfully red and orange. But right now? In the darkness, the dawn felt so far away. The world felt cold and the ocean looked so dark.
He wondered if Kid felt it too. The pure hatred of the sea? That it was an enemy right there under their feet more powerful than Kaido or Big Mom.
And still…Still he didn't regret it. He was willing to pay any price, sacrifice his own flesh, mind and body for his captain. Die in a heartbeat for him. He would break himself, tear himself apart for Kid if that was what was needed of him. He would die for him, Kid wouldn’t even have to ask.
“Killer” that snapped him out of his thoughts and he turned his neck enough so he could lay eyes on his captain who was looking at him with his arms crossed over his chest “What are you doing out here?”
He shrugged.
“Taking in the view I guess” he stopped for a second to laugh before continuing. “You’re acting like a fussing parent”
He had been ever since the prison break. ‘Killer are you okay?’, ‘Killer how are you feeling?’, ‘Killer, we can take a break if you want’. All this fussing, all this observing, all this checking up on him. Kid was not this overbearing usually, but it seemed that all the stress had either kicked some kind of protective feelings or paranoia into high gear. Killer wasn’t that worried about the change, Kid always bounced back. He admired that about him.
His face turned red, from anger or embarrassment was unclear.
“Is it so weird for a captain to care about his crew?!” he barked right back, baring his teeth like some kind of angry hound.
‘Usually it's me doing the babysitting’, that was the first response that popped into his head but he decided to take mercy on him.
“I guess not”
Kid just huffed and walked up next to him, and leaned against the railing, turning his head and looking out the same way towards the horizon with a bored expression.
They were both quietly watching the waves, listening to them push against the ship and making it bob with them. Rock them like a cradle.
‘Can you feel it?’ Killer wanted to ask ‘The sea’s hate? Does every devil fruit user feel this? Is it real or is it all in my head?’ He bit his lip trying to change his smile to a neutral position but in the end gave up. He would make himself bleed before he could push that stupid grin down.
‘Do you feel it, or did I just lose my mind along with the control of my body?’
He didn’t ask any of it in the end.
He was too scared of the possible answer.
Instead he brought up another topic that had been running around his head for a while now. Something had refused to bring up with the rest of the crew present knowing he would cause an uproar. Would make them scream objections. They were just too close to not do it.
He knew this all might be stupid, he didn’t even like his own suggestion. It felt like a lump in the back of his throat. Like he was holding a bottle of poison which had been made by his own hands and now he would just swallow all of it down.
And still he had to bring it up. Had to say it, suggest it. Because he simply cared for Kid and this crew too much to not do it.
“I’ve been thinking…” Kid turned away from the water and looked at him.
Killer opened his mouth to continue, just for a little chuckle to escape him despite his wishes and he silently cursed himself and that damn Orochi. However, Kid paid it no attention, just kept looking at him. Waiting for him to speak his mind. Kid tried to act like he didn’t notice it at times, like that laughter was as common as breathing, as common as a cough, but Killer knew him too well. Saw the pain that flashed in his captain's eyes every time an unwanted laugh, chuckle or giggle escaped his vice captain's mouth.
Killer cleared his throat and tried again and this time he got the words out. Despite it making his gut turn, despite making his heart beat painfully in his chest.
“I think you should get a new right hand”
Kid just stared at him, blinked a few times as if having a hard time processing what he was saying before he scowled and clenched both his flesh and metal hand.
“Is that a joke?” he asked and lifted his right, flesh arm, twisting it slightly as if emphasising it.
“No. Sorry, bad choice of words” Killer replied waving his hand as if brushing it off.
“Then what do you mean?” Kid asked, as he stopped leaning and stood up straight, both feet placed firmly on the ground almost like he was bracing for something, clearly sensing something was off.
“I mean, you should get a new second in command” he said and quickly continued “Wire might be a good choise-”
“Wait, hold on.” Kid snapped, stopping him “What the hell brought this on?! You’re been my second for ages!”
Killer tried to swallow down the lump in his throat to no avail.
“Its common practice when having a devil fruit user as a captain that the second in command does not have one”
Kid’s eyes went wide for a second before just as quickly turning harsh.
"That's accidental most of the time. Devil fruit users are rarer than normal people, it's a question of simple math more than-”
“Luffy and Zoro, Law and Bepo, Mehawk is watching Buggy I guess. Shanks doesn't even have a devil fruit” He ignored how both the mention of Buggy and Shank’s made Kid’s eye twitch.
“Who cares!” he spat on the ground “All those people are weak idiots!”
“I care. Sure it might just be a math question but it’s also this way because a second in command is the person most likely to be at your side, and if you fall into the water, someone needs to save you-” he lifted his hand to stop him before he could butt in about not needing to be saved “I ate a smile fruit. It gave me no powers, just took away my ability to swim. I’m weaker than before, and if you fall in, like you did at the Pirate Festival or someone tries to drown you again I can’t-”
“Is this about the water torture? Water on your mind?" he cut in, as if he was about to blow some kind of case wide open “Yeah, water sucks for a devil user. It sucks to be in it, but you get used to the idea of never swimming. You don’t need to be replaced just-”
“I can’t save you” he cut him off coldly, trying to keep his emotions leveled, trying to not burst out laughing for his rage. “If you fall in I can’t save you. And if you drown, drown because you kept me as your second I will never forgive myself. I would…” his hands turned into tight fists, his nails digging into his palms. “I would jump in after you.”
Because he would not be able to live with that shame, live with that knowledge. Have his captain-his partner’s-Kid’s blood on his hands because he wanted to keep playing his right hand man the same way they had since they were children. They were adults now, they were not gangers or playing pirates anymore. This was real. They had to take this seriously, he could not keep the position of right hand man just because he liked it.
Kid’s eyes went wide as he realized what he meant but Killer kept going.
“I will drown with you-”
The corner of Kid’s eyes sparked as he gritted his teeth in rage. Without a word his metal hand reached out and grabbed Killer by the arm so tightly he thought it would leave bruises. The captain yanked him hard, hard enough to pull him clean off the railing and slam him to the ground.
Killer landed on his back, hitting the hard wooden floor with a thud, his breath momentarily stolen.
“Shut your damn mouth!” Kid screamed, his voice echoing out over the ship like a clap of thunder. So loud he would probably give Apoo a run for his money.
As Killer was laying there on the ground, trying to catch his breath Kid moved over him, straddling his hips. The metal hand was still holding his arm tightly, while his other hand got placed square on his chest to push his weight down, making sure Killer could not find leverage or try to sit up. Not that he tried. He stayed flat on the ground, letting his captain manhandle him. He was not going to fight him.
Kid was leaning forward so they were face to face-or well, face to mask. So Killer could stare right into those eyes burning with wrath above him. His hand was pressing down so hard on Killer’s chest he could surely feel the strong beating of his heart.
Kid was pissed.
“You take those words back. Now”. he growled the words out between gritted teeth. He looked unhinged like this, like a sea king baring its fangs. “If I ever drown, which I will not, then you need to stay and lead the rest of the crew you fucking idiot! I did not choose you as vice captain because you knew how to do breaststrokes! I choose you because you’re the person I trust most in the world, because I trust you with the crew, because you’re strong! If I die, it's your job to take care of the rest, so I can rest easy! It's your one-” he took the hand off his chest and raised one finger for emphasis “ job to keep living. If you jump after me-I will never forgive you” his body was shaking.
“If you're so willing to throw your life away so needlessly, I’ll sail your ass right back to Kutsukku Island and leave you there! Do you understand me!? I will demote you for this, not for eating a devil fruit!”
Killer let out a loud ear piercing laugh when in reality he just wanted to yell in rage but instead it just came out as just loud instead of angry.
“It was a smile fruit!” He remembered the taste clearly. That horrible fruit juice sliding down his throat but quenching his thirst ever so little. It tasted horrible, rotten. He had gone in for a second bite, third, fourth, fifth, until there was nothing left and he would have gone for seconds if that was what it took to save his captain. “It gave me no powers-”
“You’re strong enough already! You never needed powers!” he screamed right back in his face so loudly it left Killer’s ears ringing. “Never throw your life away! Promise me you won't!"
Killer opened his mouth to scream right back but was suddenly stopped.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
That was the sound Killer’s mask made when Kid's tears landed on it.
The area turned deftly silent. The only noise being the wind pulling at the sails and ropes and the soft groaning of the ship.
Killer felt his blood grow cold in his veins as he just stared wide eyed at his captain who was looking down at him, tears rolling down his cheeks but still barring his teeth. Refusing to acknowledge that he was crying.
“Promise me! And take back what you said!” he kept yelling, voice shaking “Take it back!”
Kid’s expression turned more blurry as his own eyes filled with unshed tears and suddenly he felt it bubbling inside his chest. Like a cough in the back of his throat. A sneeze demanding to be let out.
“Faffaff-” he bit his own tongue so hard he could taste blood in his mouth. He didn’t want to. He hated hearing his laugh, hated that he could no longer swallow it down, that it crept up on him like this and forced its way out his throat.
He didn’t want to laugh. Nothing about this was funny. Why couldn’t he just stop? He wanted to stop. He wanted control of his body again. He just wanted to cry silently, why was that too much to ask?
Kid’s scowl deepened as he realized what he was trying to do.
“Don’t resist it! You know it will just make it worse!” he snarled before the anger loosened slightly.
He was not mad at him about it, he knew that. Kid blamed himself. He considered it his fault Killer was in this state, that he had not been strong enough to protect him, that Killer ate a fruit in an attempt to save him. That knowledge ate him up inside.
Killer followed the captain's orders.
He started to laugh fully. His whole body was shaking with it. It was loud, too loud in the otherwise quiet night. He laughed until he couldn’t breathe, until his stomach hurt, until it was unclear if the tears were from the guffaw or sorrow.
And Kid just stayed there silently, patiently waiting for it to stop because he could do nothing else.
Finally. Finally it stopped. He took in a few deep breaths and spoke.
“Okay” he let the response out like an exhale. “I promise”
He gave up. He would not be able to change Kid’s mind. He didn’t know if he should be angry or relieved. He was both so scared and so happy he would keep him as his right hand man.
However, Kid was not done yet.
“Look me in the eyes and say it”
Killer tensed and the world was silent again.
It was only the two of them out here. Kid would not laugh. Would never laugh at him, only with him.
He knew that. He trusted him and it was not like the captain had not seen it before. Out of anyone Kid had probably seen his face the most.
So he lifted his still free hand and slowly pulled his mask off, just enough so their eyes could meet, not a centimeter more. That seemed to be enough for Kid.
They just stared at each other for a second. Blue eyes meeting amber.
He chuckled before speaking again.
“I promise you. And I take it back” he saw Kid’s tense shoulder immediately loosen up slightly. “I said it in the heat of the moment. Sorry for worrying you”
“Idiot! I’m not worried!” he snapped right back.
Killer smile went even wider.
“Of course not”
That seemed to just piss off Kid further as he saw Killer’s lips just go a bit higher. He got off him and rubbed his cheeks dry at once while turning his back towards him as if Killer had not already seen his wet cheeks.
“Good, then that's cleared up.” he said, quickly trying to stop it from shaking “Stop talking all this crap about not being my second in command. There are other non- devil fruit users on the crew that can play life guard" he chuckled and turned back towards him with his normal big and confident shit eating grin "But, if you're really that worried, guess I'll just never lose again, easy enough for me”
Killer sat up with a laugh, putting his mask back to cover his whole face just to then look up and be met with Kid’s outstretched right hand.
Killer’s smile went wider and he reached out and clasped it tightly, allowing himself to get helped back up onto his feet. As soon as he had found his balance Kid continued.
“And we'll find a cure” he said like a promise but also with levity like it was destined to be so ”We’ll cure you and you'll look back at this and realize how much of an idiot you were! I don’t care if I soo have to kidnap that idiot quack Trafalgar to do it! I will find a cure”.
Killer seriously doubted that. Devil fruits, smile or not, was not just a simple disease. You sold your soul to a devil and he was pretty sure no medicine could cure that…But for all he knew Kid might as well somehow figure out how to beat a demon's ass so badly they released him from the contract.
He couldn’t help but laugh, but this time not because of the fruit. It was genuine, and Kid seemed to realize that, quickly joining him. Throwing his head back and letting out a guffaw even louder than Killer’s.
Their joined laughter echoed out over the sea, filling the silence and drowning out the sound of the waves.