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There was no other way around it.
They were never getting out of here. It was a reality that Jax had come to terms with a long time ago. Anyone who thought otherwise was simply naive or awfully stupid. He established his opinion early on, and he always made sure to never hide it, either. This instance was no different.
Except she stopped by his room, except she asked for him to come with, except she told him that everything was going to be okay. And he believed it. Just for a moment, he believed it. He allowed himself to. Maybe, just maybe, it really was going to be okay. As long as he let himself believe, they'll be okay. He'll be okay.
And he rightfully paid the price. Such a small moment of weakness cost so much. How could he have let this happen? How could he let her cloud his own better judgment? The first and most important rule to survive the circus was to never get your hopes up high, he always knew that, so how could he fail so terribly?
Of course Pomni would easily chase after the first shred of faith she'd be offered. She's never been around as long as any of them has. And the others? Well, they've been narrow-minded since the beginning. Still playing human, still thinking that anything in here amount to something. It was funny, if it wasn't so pathetic in hindsight.
But Jax was better than that. He was supposed to be smarter. He didn't play the game, he played into it. He didn't fight against the system, he molded it to his own liking. But he strayed too far and only ended up tripping over his own feet. This is what happens when you breach the laws of nature.
Then that... that thing happened.
He hears a soft knock-knock rapping against his door. Jax sighs with annoyance, rolling to the other side on his bed. If he pretends long enough that he wasn't here, maybe they'll leave him alone. He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone's bull@#!& right now.
The knocking continues. He frowns, squeezing his eyes shut. Nobody here. Why are they still nagging him?
"Jax, I know you're in here. Just... open the door."
Ugh. Of course. Little Miss Bleeding-heart. Who else could it be?
He stares up at the ceiling dumbly for a split moment, debating whether he should keep ignoring her til the very bitter end or not before he hauls himself up, swinging his bunny feet over his bed. With a tiny thump, he finally twists the doorknob, drawing it open.
"What?" He glares through the little crack he made for himself.
"Oh... I didn't think you'd actually-" Ragatha blinks.
"Yes. Now go away." He spits before banging the door closed right in her face.
"Jax!"
He sucks in a sharp breath, pinching the bridge of his imaginable nose. He can't help the groan that escapes him. "Ugh, just get on with it and tell me what is it that you want."
"Open the door!" Ragatha blatantly demands. He can hear the pitch of her voice raise at the end and sense her patience wearing thin through the wall. It was sorta gratifying, to let his accumulated negative emotions loose out onto somebody. And trust, after all of the the recent events that have transpired, he had lots and lots of them piled up for him to use as ammunition.
If she's barging in here trying to break into his bedroom, she'd better have been ready to what was coming.
"I'm not opening it." He snorts dryly, turning around. He leans against the door with his back, crossing his feet at his ankles. Heat wafts to him in waves.
"You- you're-" She struggles, huffing and puffing for a few seconds. It almost draws a smirk out of him. Almost.
He can hear her drawing in a calming inhale. He kinda wants to see how her face was looking right now. Probably red from rage. Wonder if she has steam whistling out of her ears and nose. Which was an actual possibility, mind you, considering the cartoon physics in this place. Maybe he should open the door, after all.
"That's it, Rags! In and out." He taunts sardonically, the edges of his lips twitching. He's only happy for the opportunity to further test her. "Stress is bad for your health, don't you know that?"
"I didn't come here to fight."
He furrows his brows. "Sure?"
"I wanted to talk."
He can't help but roll his eyes. "What is there to talk about? Look, if you came here to talk about feelings and shmuck, you came to the wrong guy. Go bother Pomni or Kinger or something." He can't help the venom that oozes with his words. Not only because his session of sulking and wallowing in his own misery and self-hatred was so rudely interrupted, but a certain question dancing at the tip of his tongue that he dared to not ask, yet couldn't help wondering at the same time;
Since when Ragatha and Pomni became close?
He wasn't jealous. Not really. Just curious, for scientific purposes. That's it. How come Miss Sunshine and Rainbows befriended Pomni? Last time he checked, Pomni was avoiding her like the plague, and Ragatha was chasing her like a lost puppy. What changed?
You know it. Don't lie to yourself. He shook his head, scowling. There's no way... Pomni wasn't... she wasn't easy like that, she was...
"I... I need to ask you something."
Jax snaps out of his reverie and slides against the door until he's seated at the floor. He hugs his knees to his chest and stares at the far wall, where the flipped over photos are like ink blotches on the soft pastel pink. He can already feel exhaustion tugging at his eyelids. "I'm all ears." He deadpans.
There's a short moment of silence, until it switches to shuffling. Then quiet again. He looks over to the source of the noise with mild distaste.
"Why did you do it?" A deaf voice reaches his ears.
He scoffs. What didn't he do?
"You're gonna need to be a little bit more specific here, dollface."
"Press the button."
His breath catches. The temperature in his room suddenly drops and he stills. Kind of like a frightened, cornered rabbit. The irony is not lost on him. He bet it'd look hilarious from a third point perspective, but as it stands, it's not if it is at his expense.
"It wasn't..." Jax's mind blanks. He stammers and stutters and sputters and yet any and all words that might even remotely justify him seem to have vanished into a black hole. Why did he do it? "I didn't..." His eyes widen to the extent of saucers. He hopes Ragatha can't hear his breath speed up. The scene rolls out in front of him like a film-tape. Walls pressing in all around him, vague cacophony of voices swirling somewhere far, far away, feelings of hopeless, impending doom casting shadows and swallowing the edges of his vision. He curls his fingers into his palms, trying to find his footing.
"I told you it wasn't me!" He explodes with a hiss. He hates the feeling of larvae churning and wriggling about in his gut. He hates the feeling of helplessness and inability to do anything about it even more. "Caine made me do it, okay?!"
It wasn't him. It wasn't, it just- it wasn't. It wasn't. Suddenly, he realizes just how quiet it has gotten. Jax forces himself to take a deep breath in.
In and out. Stress is bad for your health, don't you know that?
Ha-ha.
"You know, Jax..." Ragatha starts slowly, measuredly. "I don't like you. I really don't."
He doesn't respond. "You're so... unbearable sometimes, and you can be such a jerk, too. I mean, m-most of the time, actually. You're mean, and rude, and-and cruel-"
Jax feels his grimace tighten with each word. The villain, the word bounces around in his conscious.
"And the funny thing is, I thought that maybe, this is my fault, after all." She chuckles half-heartedly. "M-maybe, if I could've done something- If I just tried a little harder- then... maybe then you would finally tell me what's been on your mind. And... what did I do... wrong." Her voice grows smaller.
He blew out a puff of air, getting impatient. Typical Ragatha. This is what she woke him up for?
"But, I realize- Jax, I- Pomni can't- Nobody can help you if you don't want to be helped." On the other side, Ragatha chews on her bottom lip and fidgets with her hands. She isn't sure what she's saying herself by this point. "A-and I know, that there's something out there, that scares you. Out there, I-I mean- like... outside. That you don't want to have to face with. And don't you try to deny it, cause I saw that- that look on your face! Before Caine appeared, you looked... "
He shudders. Involuntarily, he squeezes his eyes shut, as though he was waiting for the impact of the words to hit.
. . .
It never does. Ragatha doesn't finish her original sentence. He doesn't know whether he should be glad about that or not.
"So- if it makes you feel better- if it helps you to feel a little bit less scared-" She continues shakily. "There's nothing waiting for me outside, either."
Still no response. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know if he can trust what she's saying- Jax had always thought of her as fake, but she had never seemed so raw and real to him than she was right now, even if he couldn't see her expression. He doesn't appreciate the feeling- like he was seeing something he wasn't supposed to see, her extracting her heart right out of her chest in an offer to him with it resting right in her palm.
"Trust me on this. I've been here longer than each of you were- well, except for Kinger, that is..." She laughed awkwardly. Though he isn't quite sure what the punchline was, he listens wordlessly. "I mean, everybody probably thinks I'm dead or something. Not like I had anybody that would miss me. Definitely not my mother. The only ones I could probably think of are my horses that we had on the ranch..." Ragatha chuckles again. At this point it comes off as a nervous tic more than anything. "Man, that kinda sounds sad and corny to say outloud, isn't it..." She sighs.
"It... kinda is." Jax finally pipes up. He can't help the fellow chuckle that slips out of him in solidarity. Makes the two of them, then. He can feel Ragatha perking up just the slightest. Adorable, really.
"What about you? Did you... have anyone that would miss you?" She says with as much caution injected into her tone as possible. Soft, gentle, encouraging but not pushing. It was somehow familiar, but somehow different from when he heard it before- warmer, more genuine. Even so, Jax feels his veins chilling.
A beat passes before he can find the strength in himself to open his mouth. "No, I don't think so." He concedes after some thought.
Ragatha waits a little more for him to elaborate, but when that long-awaited answer doesn't come, she speaks up for him instead. "I think... the reason that I'm worried to return to the outside world..." She begins rather dubiously- it's obvious she's improvising on the spot, and yet it's almost admirable at how easily the words find their way to her tongue. He wonders if this is something she had thought about a lot.
"...Is because I don't know what's going to happen. Surely it's all changed by now..."
He doesn't know whether he wants her to continue or to stop.
"And, I mean, what am I supposed to do after that? Live my life...? I don't even know if I still have one." Jax can recognize Ragatha spiraling by the raising force of anxiety breaking her voice. "When you think about it in that way, it just seems like... like it'd be better if..."
"...If we stayed here?" Jax derails her fastly-approaching train of panic by finishing it for her. "I know that feeling."
She deflates in one big exhale. "I... thought you'd do."
The corners of his mouth twitch.
"Aw, jeez, am I that predictable? Seems like I'm losing my edge. I guess I gotta up my game now." A sincere grin spreads on his face.
Good thing Ragatha can't see it.
"Please don't." She deadpans, and he snickers in return. It's more akin to the general pattern of their interactions- bickering and squabbling about this and that- but just for this one special occasion, it turns into nothing but a mere inside joke between the two of them. He wonders if Ragatha noticed it, too.
The silence that lingers afterwards is cozy and comfortable. Jax finds that he doesn't mind it to sit there quietly, with his back against the door as he sits there on the floor and relishes in the tranquil that had befallen them. Together with the last person he'd ever thought he'd share this with.
He really was losing his edge.
"I don't like you, Jax, but... I care about you. The only thing we have in this place is each other... s-so..." Ragatha takes a deep, steadying breath. "I hope that... whatever you do... you'll make the right decision."
He doesn't make a move to get up even as he hears the sounds of fading footsteps.
I hope so, too.