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He wonders when it became routine.
The moon is sharp and thin and framed in the sole window behind Erwin’s chair, offering little illumination to aid the flickering candle on the edge of the cluttered desk. Levi’s gaze drifts to it, opting to stare at the soft flame and the slow crawl of the melted wax down the sides rather than the man it casts light for. He stands there, in front of the desk, and Erwin doesn’t even look up. It would be a few seconds more then, before he realizes that the routine is off, that Levi has not briskly entered the room, grabbed a stack of papers, and perched himself on the futon off to the left.
Erwin Smith looks up, his usually piercing gaze muddied by the dim light and lack of sleep, and Levi wonders.
“Ah,” he says, mouth hanging slightly open for a second, before he closes it, his eyes focused on a point somewhere off to the left of Levi’s head. Levi looks at the book Erwin has placed open on the desk in front of him, and he realizes that he isn’t the only one who has broken routine tonight. Levi’s seen this book only once before. Worn black cover and fragile pages covered in the blocky script of a language he cannot read, trapped behind the bookcase for however many years before a feather duster dislodged it and it slipped to the floor.
“I've been meaning to ask you...What do you know about religion?” Erwin’s eyes slowly regains their focus, and he meets Levi’s own now as he speaks. “Besides the Wall Cult, do you know of any others?”
Levi doesn’t. He shakes his head with a sharp twitch, afraid that something will shatter if he speaks too soon, too fast.
“I can’t say that I know for sure, but there must have been others. Before the walls, of course. It just seems implausible to assume that this is the first time that humans have grasped onto the theory of a supernatural force to reassure themselves,” He plays with the corner of a page as he continues. “Some of the myths are especially interesting. They tell the stories of gods who made mistakes, as mortals do. Gods who came down to Earth and held parties and aided in quests and fell in love.”
An owl hoots especially viciously outside the window, jolting Levi out of just dumbly staring at Erwin. He was a little awestruck. It was treason to talk about the time before the walls, wasn’t it? But then again, only he could hear him, and there seemed to be no stopping Erwin at this point.
“Isn’t that thought lovely, Levi? To have a god, with all their shining brilliance and power...look upon you with the utmost adoration. To have someone who could move mountains for your sake by your side.” He smiles, distantly, and Levi adds that expression to his ongoing internal catalogue.
“I never took you for a romantic,” Levi snaps, but he can see Erwin’s smile grow slightly. “And that’s just like you, to want someone who could do anything to instead do it for your sake. Selfish bastard.”
“Ha,” he laughs, but Levi’s already leaning across the desk and grasping onto Erwin’s bolo tie. He gives an experimental tug, and Erwin allows himself to be lurched forward and pressed uncomfortably against the wooden edge.
“Besides, you don’t need a god to do anything for you. I’ll do it. I’ll do it all. I’ll save humanity for you. I’ll kill all the titans, I’ll take you to the world outside the walls. So quit spewing shit like this, and let’s get back to work.” Levi doesn’t let go of his grip on the tie. He waits, eyes closed, not trembling, not blushing. He hears the screech of a chair being pushed back on a wooden floor and feels Erwin’s shaking breath, and all of a sudden they are close, so close to each other. If he opens his eyes right now, those blue eyes would find the Levi underneath the stoic facade, the fluttering fear that ran through his veins.
“Levi,” Erwin sighs, and Levi thought his heart would explode. “Do you trust me?”
With all my heart , was what he didn’t get to say before Erwin’s lips touch his. They rest there for a second or two, much too short and barely a kiss at all. He opens his eyes and concentrates on memorizing every detail, how the candlelight cast dark shadows on Erwin’s face, how a strand had come out of place from his perfectly combed hair, how he was the only one who could stare into Erwin’s eyes and feel his full attention fixed on him.
“Yeah,” Levi whispers. “Yeah, fuck, of course I do, you idiot,” He’s still holding the bolo tie, its smooth stone cold under his fingers. Slowly, he tugs it again, guiding Erwin’s face to meet his own. They kiss, soft but desperate. Levi untangles his hand from the tie and leans up on his toes to twine his fingers into the hair at the back of Erwin’s neck, his eyes closing again. Their position is too precarious to try anything else, so they stay there, baring their all to each other in the silence of midnight what they can’t in the scrutinizing glare of the day. Levi can’t remember how long they’ve stayed like that, and he could have quite possibly lasted until dawn, hadn’t something crashed loudly in the distance and jolted them away from each other.
Don’t you two have any human feelings at all? A voice echoes in Levi’s mind, fuzzy and defanged from enduring a lifetime of hurled insults. The phrase repeats itself in Levi’s head as he tucks that loose hair back into Erwin’s coif and decisively grabs a stack of papers, crumpling them in his grasp as he watches Erwin sit back down and close the book.
"I don’t mind becoming a god or a demon," Levi sits down on the futon. There is still work to do tonight.
You will always keep me human.