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No one has ever loved anyone as much as Buck loves Eddie. He’s sure of it. There’s just no way. If everyone else felt the way that he feels, society would cease to function. Everyone would just spend all their time clinging to the ankles of their Eddie.
Because that’s what Buck wants to do — he wants to wrap himself around Eddie and never let go. He wants to press kisses over every inch of his body every time he sees him. He wants to hear every thought that goes through his head, and he wants to hold his hand, and he wants to crawl inside him and stay there.
It’s a lot. He thought he’d thought about Eddie a lot before, but he had no idea — now that Eddie is his, he’s all he can think about. Every second of every day, he wants to be near Eddie. He wants to talk to Eddie. He wants to talk about Eddie.
There’s just no way that everyone else feels like this — no one would ever get anything done.
The only way Buck gets through a shift is because Eddie is right there. He can’t cling to his ankles or hold his hand like he wants to, but he’s right there, and Buck can make do with staring at him like he’s something out of the Louvre.
He can’t believe that a week ago, he’d had the capacity to be (comparatively) normal about Eddie Diaz. It seems impossible, unheard of, unthinkable. Buck blames Eddie. He’d said, “I’ve been thinking about it, and I think you should kiss me,” and Buck’s brain had exploded into tiny fragments. Buck had kissed him, and Eddie had gasped, and by the time he pieced all the bits back together, Eddie had compromised everything from his cerebellum to his cerebrum.
His lungs breathe in the shape of Eddie’s name; his heart beats to the rhythm of it. He’s consumed by Eddie, Eddie, Eddie every moment of every day.
And he’s trying to be normal about it.
He’s trying to want Eddie the normal, acceptable amount.
Which is why Buck doesn’t invite himself along when, at the end of their shift, Eddie mentions a morning of back-to-school shopping for Chris. It’s enough that Eddie looks kind of sad about breaking their two-shift-old tradition of sleeping off a shift together. That’s enough. It can be enough.
Buck smiles, nods, and wishes him and his bank account good luck — he’s seen the price tag on the sneakers Chris has been eyeing all summer.
And then Buck drives to Eddie’s house, drops him off, and drives away. Because he can do that, he can want Eddie the normal amount.
He defrosts a breakfast burrito, takes a shower, and changes into his comfy clothes. He ignores the gnawing, burning hole in his chest in the shape of Eddie. He puts on a load of laundry, reads a chapter of his book, and then tries to catch up on some sleep. Alone. Which is perfectly fine.
This is what he’s been doing for most of his career — sleeping off shifts alone. He’s used to it. It’s fine.
He draws the blackout curtains and crawls into bed. He pulls Eddie’s pillow against his chest and drifts to sleep thinking about Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
Buck wakes up to strong arms pulling him back against a solid chest.
Well, it’s less so that he wakes and more so that he enters a realm somewhere close to consciousness that’s not quite consciousness. It’s a dazed and groggy state, but even still, he knows that he’s happy that the arms are here.
“Hm?” He hums. Sleep weighs him down as he tries to turn toward the arms.
A kiss is pressed against his shoulder. Buck gives up on turning and smooshes his face back into his pillow. He relaxes further into the chest behind him.
“Just me,” Eddie whispers. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. “Go back to sleep.”
“Mmm,” Buck agrees. He would do anything Eddie asked him to. Eddie presses another kiss to his shoulder as sleep pulls him back under.
When Buck wakes a second time, he properly enters the land of the living. Eddie’s legs are tangled with his, and his hair is tickling Buck’s neck. It takes a few moments to confirm he’s not in fact still dreaming — Eddie is actually here, in his bed, right where Buck so desperately wanted him to be.
He shifts, flopping around to face his sleeping boyfriend. He’s so pretty like this — messy hair and smooshed face, looking like the love of his life.
Buck leans forward and presses a kiss to his forehead, then his nose, then his lips.
“Hmm,” Eddie hums, the arms around Buck’s middle tightening, pulling him closer. “Times’it?”
“Dunno,” Buck whispers. He’d have to turn away from Eddie for that information, and he doesn’t currently have the ability to do that. “You’re here.”
Eddie is here. Buck manifested Eddie out of thin air, and now he’s here.
“Mm. Jaden invited Chris over,” he mumbles in explanation. “He wanted to go.”
As far as Buck knows, Chris knows two Jadens. Jaden M lives in Silverlake, which could make sense — it’s on the way to Buck’s place. Buck can’t recall the last time they hung out, and he’s fairly sure she might actually have moved schools. Actually, maybe she moved to Colorado? The other Jaden, Neighbor Jaden, is Eddie’s neighbor’s kid. That would make more sense — he’s a year younger than Chris, but they hang out all the time. It just wouldn’t explain what Eddie is doing here, in Buck’s bed, nowhere near his house.
Buck kisses the end of his nose. “Neighbor Jaden?”
Eddie opens one eye to look at him, a sheepish smile taking over his smooshed face. “Yeah. I got into my bed, but you weren’t in it,” he admits. “And then I remembered that you have a bed, and there’s a you in it. So…” He shrugs.
Buck grins, delighted. He intertwines his legs with Eddie’s. “You drove all the way here just to nap with me?”
“It’s not that far.”
“You missed me,” Buck teases, smacking kisses over his face. “You missssed me.”
Eddie rolls his eyes, smiling. “Shut up.”
He presses a kiss to his favorite freckle, then a final one to Eddie’s lips. “I missed you, too, you know. I always miss you.”
Eddie hums happily, burying his face into the skin of Buck’s neck. “Chris asked where you were.”
Buck sucks in a breath. “Yeah?”
“Mhm. He wants you to come with. Something about sneakers. And dad shoes.”
Buck hides a smile in Eddie’s hair. “I can,” he says. “If you want. I didn’t want to overstep.”
Eddie grunts unhappily. “What does that mean?” He asks, muffled into Buck’s skin.
Buck hesitates, pulls Eddie closer. He runs his hands over the soft material covering Eddie’s back.
He doesn’t even know why he’s saying anything. He’s trying to be normal. But Eddie is here. Eddie drove over to his house, parked in his driveway, unlocked the front door, and crawled into bed with him because he wanted to. Because he wanted Buck.
He wants Buck.
And Buck wants Eddie. He wants him so much that he doesn’t know what to do with it.
“I - - I want to be with you all the time,” he says slowly, carefully. “I want - - so much. I want too much, sometimes, I think. But I don’t want to be too much. I don’t want to overstay, or overstep, or not realize that you need space. So, I’m - - I’m trying to give you space. You and Chris. Without me. Which is fine! Obviously. You knew that. But, just - - that’s why I didn’t - - not that you invited me, I know that, but if Chris was wondering. That’s, uh, why.”
Eddie pulls back from his hiding place in Buck’s neck to look at him like he has two heads. It’s still, somehow, the most adorable thing he’s ever seen.
Eddie frowns at Buck.
Buck blinks at Eddie.
Eddie, for some reason, starts laughing.
Buck frowns at Eddie.
“I love you so much,” Eddie says, pressing a kiss to his lips. “And we’re both idiots. I didn’t invite you over because of the same thing,” he admits.
“Because you…needed space?” Buck clarifies.
“No,” Eddie laughs. “The opposite. I wanted you there. I wanted to ask you. But I’m - - I’ve never wanted to be around someone as much as I want to be around you.”
Buck frowns. “So why didn’t you ask?”
“Because you’d do anything for Chris. You’d say yes, even though you hadn’t slept, and no one really wants to watch a teenager scoff at jeans on a Saturday.”
“I do,” Buck insists. There’s nothing he’d rather do.
“Yeah,” Eddie smiles. “That’s why we’re both idiots. I thought I was being…selfish, with how much I want you. But I think we both want the same thing. I think we both want as much as each other.”
Buck just woke up, and he hasn’t had a single sip of caffeine, and Eddie is looking like that in his bed, saying things Buck couldn’t even dream up.
So he is aware, okay, on some level, that Eddie just said an objectively sweet and romantic thing, and this is not the correct reaction, but there is no way - -
“There’s no way you want me as much as I want you.”
Eddie scoffs. “Try me.”
“I want to, like, hold onto your ankles and never let go.”
Without missing a beat, Eddie offers: “I want to handcuff myself to you so that you can never go anywhere without me.”
Buck frowns. He’s still not getting it. “I want to be FaceTiming you constantly, for the rest of my life, even when we’re together, just so that I don’t miss anything. So you can tell me every single thought that passes through your head.”
“I want to record every single thing you say to me, and then I want to play it in my headphones while I fall asleep,” Eddie rebuts easily.
“I want to ban every other topic of conversation except for how great Eddie Diaz is. It’s all I want to talk about, ever.”
“I looked into how to get a custom shirt printed, because a woman looked at you, and she didn’t know that you’re mine. And I think if you wore a shirt that told everyone that all the time, then that would be good.”
“I want to invent a shrinkinator so that I can climb inside your chest and sleep there. Or, carry you around in my pocket. Depends what we’re doing that day.”
“I want to burn your house down so that you never sleep anywhere except for right beside me ever again.”
Buck sucks in a breath. “Really?”
“That’s the one that stumps you?”
“You’d want to live with me?”
“I really want to live with you.”
“Wouldn’t it be too much? Too soon?”
“I was on the T-shirt website, Buck,” Eddie says. “I picked the colors.”
Buck snorts. “I’d wear it.”
Eddie kisses him. “See? Idiots.”
Buck lets out a breath. Eddie is in his bed, and they’re tangled together, and he isn’t horrified that Buck wants to surgically attach them at the hip. Eddie wants to burn his house down.
Romantically.
It’s the most romantic thing Buck has ever heard.
God, they really are both fucking idiots.
“You wanna know something else?” He whispers, since he might as well — he just admitted to wanting to live inside Eddie’s chest.
Eddie smiles. He grabs Buck’s hands and kisses his knuckles. “Tell me.”
“I had a two-hour debate with Maddie yesterday about whether accidentally calling you a pet name would make you break up with me.”
Eddie blinks, pausing where he’s about to press another kiss to Buck’s ring finger. “Which side were you on?”
Buck winces. “That you’d break up with me.”
Eddie pretends to chomp on Buck’s knuckle. “You are an idiot.”
“That’s what Maddie said.”
“Go on, then,” Eddie prompts, pulling Buck’s hand against his chest and holding it there. “Give me your argument.”
Buck sighs. “I just - - I don’t want to scare you away. And I - - we’ve never done that. And I thought that if one accidentally slipped out, you’d realize what we’re doing.”
Eddie brings Buck’s hand back up to his mouth and kisses his palm. “Please tell me you didn’t do debate club. That’s a terrible argument.”
“Well, that was the cliff notes version!”
In retrospect, he’s starting to see why Maddie looked at him like he’d lost his mind.
“You think you’d call me, what? Sweetheart? Baby? And I’d wake up like a sleeper agent?” Eddie summarizes, entirely amused. “You don’t think I noticed we were doing gay things when I had your di- -”
“Okay!” Buck cuts him off. “But it’s - - that’s different. There are…hormones.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. “Yeah, and I’m in love with you, dipshit. There are hormones.”
“Okay, well - - fine. So - - what you’re saying is that I can call you pet names and you won’t leave me?”
Eddie snorts. “Why don’t you try it and see what happens?”
Buck narrows his eyes, suspicious. “If you leave me after this, I’m gonna be so annoyed.”
“Noted,” Eddie chuckles. And then he just…looks at him. Expectantly.
“I can’t - - I can’t just do it right now! It has to be organic.”
“Okay, baby," Eddie says, like that's something they just say. "Whatever you say, sweetheart.”
Oh, holy shit. His entire body is suddenly on fire.
Buck gapes. “You - - you can’t just - - how did you - - Eddie.”
Eddie grins. He’s delighting in this — in Buck’s suffering. “Yeah, baby?”
Buck’s face burns. He swallows. “You can’t just do that. I need a warning.”
“Snooze ya lose, bud,” Eddie shrugs.
“I was snoozing until someone broke into my house to spoon me,” Buck grumbles.
Eddie scoffs. “You complainin’?”
Buck huffs. “You make it look so easy.”
“I have a key.”
“The baby thing!”
“We’re calling it the baby thing?”
“Not like - - you know what I’m talking about.”
Eddie hums. He kisses the back of Buck’s hand. “But you do want babies, right? Or at least a baby. You want to be a dad.”
Buck stops breathing. That is not how he thought this day was going to go. He thought he had more time. This feels too important for how little sleep he’s running on — for how many wrong ways he could say this vs the one impossible right way that doesn’t ruin the best week of his entire life. “I - - uh. I always thought I would, yeah.”
“And now?”
“Now…I have you,” he offers carefully. “And Chris.”
And it's enough. It's so much more than he could ever wish of having.
“You do,” Eddie confirms, studying his face.
Buck tries to look normal, and distinctly not like he's freaking out that he already said the wrong thing and Eddie is going to leave him even though he hasn't even accidentally called him a pet name once.
Eddie reaches up and pushes a curl off his forehead, burying a hand in his hair. “I’d like to have more kids, I think,” Eddie says quietly, his fingernails sweeping over Buck’s scalp. “With you. If you wanted. If we’re talking about things that we want.”
Buck lets out a shuddering breath. No fucking way. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Eddie smiles. “A mini Buck running around sounds like a pretty good deal to me.”
Buck swallows. His brain is having a difficult time computing everything he's ever wanted being handed to him on a platter. “I didn’t think you’d want more kids.”
Eddie keeps his eyes trained on where he’s making a mess of Buck’s curls. “If you’d asked me a year ago, I probably wouldn’t have,” he starts after a moment. “But Chris - - he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And I know I’m not - - I’ve fucked up in every way imaginable. I did everything wrong, right from the start. I had no idea what I was doing, and I still don’t. I was so sure I’d just… fundamentally fucked him up. But, somehow, he’s just - - he’s the best. He’s perfect. And I don’t know how it happened, but I figure if I can fuck it up so badly and still end up with the world’s best kid, maybe I’d do alright a second time.”
“Eddie,” Buck frowns, reaching up to grab Eddie’s wrist, stilling the fingers in his hair. “You’re the best dad I know. That’s why he’s the best kid I know. You did that. It wasn’t an accident. I know, I was there, I saw you do it. A few mistakes don’t erase - - god, Eddie, everything. You gave that kid everything. Any kid would be so fucking lucky to have you as their dad.”
“Yeah, well,” Eddie shrugs, clearing his throat. “You have to say that. You’re in love with me.”
“I am. And I love your kid more than life itself. And if you keep talking shit about his dad, I’m gonna…”
“You’re gonna what?”
“I - - am going to…revoke spooning privileges.”
Eddie gasps. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
“You wouldn’t last a day.”
“His dad is my favorite person in the world, so you better not mess with me.”
Eddie leans in and kisses him. “I hear it’s mutual.”
Buck cannot believe his luck. Eddie Diaz, his favorite person in the world, is in his bed! And he just kissed him! Because they kiss now! And he wants to have his babies!
“You really want to have another kid?” He asks. “Not just because you think I do?”
Eddie hums. “Three has always felt like a good number to me.”
“I’m the youngest of three,” Buck notes. “And you’re the oldest. It’s definitely a good number.”
Eddie kisses the tip of his nose. “So it’s a yes on both baby things? And you’ll burn down your house?”
Buck snorts. “We’ll need a bigger house.”
“Four bedrooms,” Eddie agrees. “I want Chris to have a room even when he goes off to college.”
Buck pouts. He hates the thought of Chris being anywhere other than down the hallway. “Don’t talk about that.”
“I know,” Eddie sighs dramatically, flopping back onto his pillow. “Maybe we should get a dog. He’ll want to come back and see the dog.”
That’s a good point. He’s obsessed with every single thing about Eddie, including the way he thinks.
“And food!” Buck suggests. “He’ll come back for food. College kids love free food. I have a note in my notes app with all his favorites.”
“That’s good,” Eddie agrees. “Cute dog, free food, cute siblings. And a coffee machine! We need a better coffee machine. College kids love coffee.”
Buck nods, powering past the way his stomach somersalts at the casual mention of siblings. “I can learn latte art. I can - - like a swan, maybe?”
“Oh! Vacations!” Eddie gasps, snapping his fingers. “Family vacations!”
Buck blinks, his eyes suddenly blurry. A family vacation, with his family, where they go on vacation, together, as a family. With Chris and their dog and their babies. Buck and Eddie’s children, that they have together, in their family that is theirs. “We’re gonna go on family vacations,” he whispers, overcome at the thought of it.
“It’s good, right?” Eddie smiles, finding Buck’s hand again, kissing his knuckles. “It’s a good plan?”
Buck nods. “Yeah,” he breathes. It’s an understatement. There aren’t words. “Yeah, I want that. I want all of that.”
Eddie presses a kiss into his curls. “Me too,” he grins. He pauses. “You can do swan latte art?”
Does he currently possess the skillset? No. Can he learn how to put a swan on top of a cup of coffee for Chris? Without a doubt in his mind.
He shrugs. “It can’t be that hard, right?”
“I think it’s probably kinda hard.”
“I’ll figure it out. And I’ll learn how to do a heart, so when we’ve been up all night with the baby, and we’re grumpy, I can bring you a coffee with a heart on it.”
Eddie smiles. He kisses him. “That sounds nice.”
“Because I love you,” Buck adds, angling his chin up for another kiss.
Eddie snorts. He kisses him again. “Yeah, I got that.”
But even still, even now, Buck doesn’t know that he does know — he’s not certain that he understands just how much.
“No, Eddie,” he insists, pushing at his shoulders and rolling on top of him. “I really love you. So much. I feel kind of like I’ve lost my mind about it sometimes.”
Eddie wraps his arms around Buck’s neck. “Yeah. Me too. There’s not enough room in my chest for all of it. It’s, like, in my kneecaps.”
Buck grins. “You love me in your kneecaps?”
Eddie hums. “It’s overflow.”
Buck lowers himself a tiny bit to kiss him. “I love you in my kneecaps, too.”
“Remember that when we’re microwaving our latte art lattes for the third time because our kid won’t settle and we’re covered in puke.”
Buck can’t picture anything more perfect.
“I can’t think of anything I want more than I want that,” he whispers.
Eddie smiles. “What if the three-legged dog with expensive allergies you’re gonna insist we adopt also just peed on the floor?”
Buck snorts. “That’s the dream, baby.”
Eddie softens. “Yeah,” he smiles, pulling Buck down to kiss him. “It is.”