Chapter Text
Happy times are always the best, everything is... Happy, maybe some sad moments but that is life doing its thing, nothing will ever be strictly happy no matter how hard you try to keep it that way, and sometimes that is a good thing, but sometimes it's also a bad thing, happiness is the best distraction to lots of emotions if you do it right. Masking.
"Ǝna dear! Get dressed and pack your bags, it's almost time for your sleepover with Ena. Time has no patience!" Ǝna's dearly mother calls out through her doorway, letting her know that it's almost time for the sleepover she has been waiting for days, "Alright!" Ǝna replies back whilst grabbing random objects and clothing off of the floor, putting them in her handy-dandy travel bag, big and fit for lots of items, heavy or light, and comfortable for long use, she stuffs the bag to the brim and zips it up, tugging at the crackling zipper almost bursting the bag, Ǝna is surely excited! Ǝna's mom rests her body against the wall, clenching her handbag and spinning the car keys, ready to drop Ǝna off, "Ǝna, are you ready yet? I'm ready to leave!" her mom calls for her, getting impatient, but not letting it show, this is the day her daughter is going to have her first sleepover, "I'm ready! I'm ready!" Ǝna rushes down the stairs with her bag on her back, clothes and stuffies falling out of the outside pockets, "Sweetie you have some stuff falling out." her mom walks over and tries to pack the clothes and stuffies back inside, but Ǝna resists, saying that she doesn't need them, Ǝna's mom shrugs it off and leads her to the door, heading out to the car, and backing out of the drive way.
Cars swiftly passing by, that usual noise is so nostalgic and comforting, Ǝna follows her eyes at every passing car, then to the streetlights, then to the faint trees in the sunset sky, her face glows golden orange, nervousness and excitement fill Ǝna's stomach, kicking her feet and hugging her travel bag, what a delightful feeling! Ǝna is the most excited girl right now, meeting her best friend of many years, she's only 11, but that doesn't matter it's the friendship that matters, "Ǝna, are you excited? we're almost there!" Ǝna's mom peeks into the rearview mirror, aiming it at Ǝna's lit face looking out the window, Ǝna shifts her eyes at the mirror, "Mhm!" she's too excited to fully speak right now, her mom smiles feeling joy for her daughter, greatly excited as her. Ǝna can feel that they're getting closer to Ena's house, she has been there before for Ena's birthday party years ago, she remembers the many twists and turns that leads to Ena's house almost vividly, her memory is pretty good for a girl her age, thinking of all the students in her school, she's smarter than most of the people in her class, Ǝna fantasizes the many possible scenarios that could happen when she gets to Ena's house: Everything goes well, and that they can stay up late and have yummy candy, ice cream and snacks, Ena's mom forces them to go to bed on a specific time, having no time to play or snack, or that something new will happen, Ǝna hopes that Ena and her will be able to have some ice cream and stay up, she has been craving ice cream for almost months now, Ǝna shifts out of her daze, sitting up and asking her mom if they're there yet, mom tells her to look out the window, wow! We're already here! Ǝna holds her breath, unbuckling the seatbelt and clenching the bag's straps, attempting to unlock the door
"Woah! Slow down! I need to unlock the door!"
Ǝna's mom requests her to slow down, pressing the door unlock button, Ǝna had her hand ready on the door handle, she swings the car door open and hops out, running to Ena's front door, not knocking, but standing Infront of it, her mom gets out of the car and stands right by her, knocking, now they'll wait until someone answers, from outside they can hear smaller, almost running footsteps come to the door, Ǝna believes it is Ena, Ena is the only child, maybe they had another one, it's been a while since she has seen Ena in person, or even knew what has been happening, big, more slow footsteps follow after the smaller ones, the doorknob rattles and twists, opening to see Ena's mother, alongside with... A random child? Ǝna gives her dirtiest looks to the child, "Who is that?" she looks up and down at the baby and the mother, Ena's mother picks up the child and introduces them, "Oh! Sorry, I forgot to tell you all about my other child, his name is Enon!" Ǝna's mom puts her hands together in a pleased look, "Aw! What an adorable baby! How old is he?" Ǝna's mom chatters with the other mother, telling facts and answering questions about the new addition, Ǝna gives out a dramatic sigh, showing boredom, she can't wait any longer, she wants to see Ena! Ǝna pushes herself between Ena's mother and makes her way inside, both of the mothers look back at her, deciding to head inside along with her and continuing to talk, Ǝna can still hear them chit-chat behind her, it's so annoying! Ǝna calls out for Ena expecting to get a reaction or a notice, nothing, she gets nervous not knowing where Ena is at, the downstairs is still and quiet, the sound of a fan and a faint tv show playing at a low percentage, likely someone fell asleep, hopefully not Ena, happiness is something that Ǝna doesn't want to miss out on this very day! Ǝna drops her bag on the floor near the couch, she wanders around the house that she once saw decked out in decorations, balloons and people, remembering every little detail that is included in the house, sitting in the same chair that she once sat on when Ena blew out the candles, she didn't forget to go find Ena, she's just curious, curiosity leads Ǝna upstairs, where it is much quieter, most of the lights are off, some lamps here and there, and the door open to the laundry room with the light on, it's peaceful up here, no time to explore further though, Ena is the main objective! Ǝna finds herself at Ena's door, she gazes at the bottom of the door, it's dim, is she asleep? Ǝna worries that this day is not going to go well, she decides to call out one more time
"Ena! it's me Ǝna! I'm here! Are you awake?"
she gently knocks on Ena's door, putting her hand and ear to the door, finally this time, she can hear Ena like footsteps come to the door, they sound just like her, Ǝna backs up and stands patiently, the door opens, slowly, eventually opening up fully.-
..........
Everything goes black, blurry, loud, it's confusing.. what has happened? I thought I was going to see Ena, What happened!? Come on! I thought life was going to become better again! Ǝna's internal monologue yells out, her clinginess and anxiety dreads over her, that was just a dream, what a joke! Ǝna grips and tugs at her messy-black hair, wishing that the dream lasted longer, forever, life curses back at her making her own a living hell, she just wants to go back to being a little girl, being a little girl who was so smart and had everything easy, and also had a good relationship with Ena, whom she has been struggling to stay with, dating her might've been the worst choice of her life, especially how homophobic people have became these past decades, Ǝna is insecure about liking girls, in which that shouldn't be an option, no one should be so scared of liking girls, why is Ǝna so scared? She's scared of being attacked just for who she is, she has always preferred girls from baby to now, nothing has really changed but for some reason it feels like it has, it feels wrong to actually like them, it felt normal to be friends and hangout with them, avoiding boys at all costs of course, now, it's genuine shame and disgust, society has robbed Ǝna from being happy with the girl of her entire dreams, every dream has never been the same ever since she started to like Ena, you want to become an.. Artist? No, Ena, you want to be a.. Server? NO, Ena, I love her. Like that, maybe occasionally it is like that, but Ǝna wishes it will be like that, she wishes that life can straighten itself back out again without any mishaps.
Ǝna holds back tears knowing that another miserable day is ahead of her, waiting for her to collapse into its arms and swallow her whole, she dreads going to work, people over there are so rude and homophobic to her, only her, it sucks being a target for something she can't control, Ǝna sucks it up and gets out of bed, every step onto the freezing floor is every second closer to getting to work, regretting even getting out of bed, Ǝna heads to her small, enclosed bathroom, her apartment isnt that huge, but it works, first; she brushes her hair, every knot getting pulled is painful, stinging every brush, second; putting make up on to cover imperfections, every man at work calls her ugly, third; putting on her work clothes already laid out on the toilet, she puts them there every time, bedroom is too messy for clothes to not get lost easily, at last, Ǝna's ready to go, just like that time when she was going to see Ena for the sleepover, nervousness fills her back up, not because she's excited, rather because she's fearing for the worst.
"Hey Ǝna! Are you heading off to work?"
a random woman, that Ǝna has never seen before, comes running up to her stopping in Ǝna's path, Ǝna shifts her feet to a complete stop, not looking directly at the woman but using her eyes instead
"Yeah, why?"
Ǝna slides her cap farther down her face, covering her eyes so she is not fully seen by the woman, interestingly enough, the lady opens her bag and picks out some object, it's a wallet, some wallet that looks like something Ǝna has seen before
"I-I have this wallet here, and I was wondering if you can return this to the rightful owner, I hope nobody stole anything out of it."
the lady chucks the wallet into Ǝna's low-poly hand, expecting it to be retrieved by the someone she never said anything about, no name, no details, nothing, Ǝna turns her head to look at the woman, gving off a confused feeling
"Well.. Who's wallet is this?! I don't know who to give it to if you didn't give me a name-"
the woman runs off suddenly, saying nothing nor looking back, disappearing behind the corner where she came from, Ǝna is tempted to throw the wallet away believing it is a scam, many wallet scams have been rumoring around these past months, but she decides to look inside anyways, flipping through many dollar bills and coins, alongside with credit cards, until she comes across an ID, slipping it out of the pocket and looking on each side, the person on the ID is... Ena?! Why did that woman have Ena's wallet? Ǝna starts to believe that Ena had lost her wallet, Ǝna works at the same workplace as Ena does, so maybe? Ǝna stuffs the ID back in its place and puts it into her tote bag, hiding it from any thieves, she decides to take the stairs, probably could've taken the elevator but it's too late now, she cannot miss work, boss will punish her dearly for being even a minute late, co-workers and close employees could and will do the same, they think that the boss is their savior and lord, more than people who are strictly religious, Ǝna doesn't want to partake in this horrible job anymore, but she has no choice; money or no home, the city prices small apartments at a very expensive price, more than any other area near it. Ǝna is forced to run to work because her cheap car broke down, it has many times, she is too poor to afford insurance or any mechanical repair work.
Here at last... Work, Ǝna made it to the place she calls "Hellscape", legs sore, shaking, not able to keep up with standing or walking anymore, she just wants to sit down on a chair, the floor, anything, her muscles became weaker as her depression worsened, more hours in bed, less hours doing stuff like walking, running, exercising or even just get up to get a drink or use the bathroom, life wants her to not be here anymore, it's trying to hack her up like a cat's hairball, the cat cleans itself, each lick clean its skin, feeling light and fresh afterwards, but, the hair clumps up in its stomach, brewing up many medical problems or simply a need to throw up, Ǝna has cleansed herself enough, she has "licked" each drop of happiness "off of her skin" now she needs to hack it back up, leaving room for other negative emotions to take its place. In less than a minute of being at work, Ǝna is already being harassed and being called slurs, by her co-workers of course, she expects it every time she goes to work. The usual.
"Hey Ǝna! stop being a faggot or leave!"
"Guys look, it's the fag!! Run!!"
"Women will always be women.."
Gross words are said back and forth, no mercy given, not even for a second, Ǝna cannot rest, Ǝna cannot have a break from these horrible, horrible people that she is stuck with for most of the day, she has to ignore it and go on with her definitely wonderful day, every day is so wonderful! I cannot even fathom how happy I am being physically hit and verbally abused! this is the experience! I can't even think of wanting to go home! Ǝna's mind loves to gaslight her into thinking everything is okay, that is how she copes with these so called 'co-workers', aren't co-workers supposed to be supportive and respectful? They sure are though. Gaslighting herself until she goes insane, making time pass by quicker than it ever can, although this is extremely unhealthy for her and her mental health, it gets her through the day, nothing more like a little bit of stress wouldn't hurt, right? Of course not! I can handle being under huge amounts of stress! I love stress! It makes me stronger than I ever can be! All Ǝna can do is gaslight, gaslight and gaslight, it drowns out the slurs she's being called out, not like it makes anything better, but hey, it doesn't remind her that she likes women, women suck! Gross...
"Ǝna, get your damn work done or else I'll fucking fire you and take all of your lousy cash!"
Ǝna dissociated again, too much, again, the boss caught her not doing any of the work he gave to her, she messed up, like every damn chance she got given, dumb woman!! Ǝna doesn't mumble a word back to the boss, staring back down at her desk instead, hoping the boss will leave her alone for once, hoping never works for Ǝna, but today is the day, the boss gives up, storming out of her office and slamming the door behind, stomps still being audible from inside Ǝna's office, Ǝna feels some sort of weight being lifted off, off of her whole body, not just shoulders, she sighs in relief fanning herself with her hat, nice green color with a darker green stripe and a cool metal pendant in the middle, snazzy! Ǝna nearly misses slipping into another daze, trying to keep herself basically conscious, it's hard when you're this ill and tired, Ǝna wants to go home and sleep all day... not yet! I have to return.. Ena's ID.. Ǝna is a very hesitant woman, not this hesitant, she feels sick thinking about being near Ena again, her heart; wanting to be with Ena and ask for forgiveness. Life saved. But her mind, her brain is pulling her back from doing so, it's like her little devil on her shoulder; devious and cruel, battling with the angel on the other shoulder; honest and accepting, Ǝna flicks and bullies at the angel every day, denying every, any word it says, zipping its mouth shut, no need to talk here, it's as if she doesn't need that silly angel, what's the big deal? I'll just find her, then throw it at her, she'll recognize it and pick it up. Probably has a new wallet, though. Ǝna raises her head up high, that's an amazing idea! What a smart woman! she stands up from her office chair and stretches, it's been at least an hour of sitting, something she's used to, Ǝna carefully heads out of her office avoiding anyone and anything, avoiding Ena the most, her boots thump loudly alerting everyone that she's there, not wanted, but has to be dealt with, Ena knows what Ǝna sounds like, she has been with Ǝna before Ǝna got those pair of boots, she has seen Ǝna buy and wear them, so there is no doubt that Ena will know, Ǝna's first place to go to is the den area where break time occurs, Ena is seen there all day, she has an office but that little snug area is cozy, she does all of her work there, quietly, Ǝna looks into every corner and nick-nack, Ena isn't seen anywhere, weird, next; she goes to the outdoor area, where sunlight beams down onto everything, making it the second to most liked working area, fresh air and blooming flowers lighten up the mood, relieving any stress, weirdly enough, Ena is not seen there either, third; the infamous "Ena's office" where Ena rarely exists in, it's "lived in' quite much, but not actually taken up by someone, or should I say, by Ena, this is the most nerving area for Ǝna, Ena's office is where the true professional work happens, Ena is one of the certified therapists for the company, getting the job due to her own trauma, helped herself through the darkest times, and helped others as well, including Ǝna, but Ǝna apparently didn't want it at that time, she still regrets not getting the help she needed up till now for some reason, Ǝna hates help, she's more independent than she was when she was younger, she hated being by herself. Times change, it never goes backwards.
All I need to do is figure out if Ena is inside, then knock and leave the wallet on one of the chairs outside the door, hiding before she comes out.
fresh ideas pop into Ǝna's head, she plans it out briefly, listening through the door and finding any open areas that show what's inside the office, without being noticed, just like at her first sleepover, listening through the door to see if Ena's awake, ready to greet her with opens arms and playtime, this woman wishes she can do that again! But no, we have to fear everything we do. Ǝna gets down on the floor and peeks under the door, looking for any feet lurking around or a moving chair, she can't see well, but there is something moving, is it Ena?
"Shit, they're coming to the door!" Ena 'curses' under her breath, avoiding interaction is impossible in this busy building, she leaps up from the floor and hides in a nearby closet, leaving the wallet on the floor and cracking the door to see who comes out, I don't know why I think it's someone else when I was clearly at Ena's office...
Hiding is never the option, unless it is needed, but in many cases like this, it is recommended to be honest and open-minded about what you're or someone else is dealing with. Maybe Ǝna just doesn't understand, she never does Anymore.