Work Text:
January 2017
Rose
10:28pm
Hey Shane. I know I kind of ambushed you with that conversation tonight, and I’m sorry for that, but I didn’t think it was healthy for either of us to continue things the way they were going without saying something. I really care about you and I want you to have the opportunity to live your best life, whatever that means to you. And I meant it about being best friends.
Shane
10:46pm
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Rose
10:48pm
And if you ever want to talk about boyyyyyys you have a crush on, you know where to find me.
Shane
10:49pm
That will not be happening.
Rose
10:51pm
Because you don’t have any crushes, or because telling me about it would be weird?
Shane
10:53pm
No comment.
Rose
10:56pm
Speaking of which, I’ll text my publicist in the morning and tell her that if anyone asks for comment about our relationship, to say that we realized we’re better off as friends. Which is completely true so I don't even know why I’m paying a professional to say it
Shane
10:58pm
Sounds good.
10:59pm
Going to bed now.
Rose
11:02pm
Ok, sweet dreams
11:03pm
Of boyyyyyyys
Shane
11:08pm
Please stop.
Rose
10:26am
What would you say your type is? Your Instagram follow list is not giving me a lot to work with here.
Shane
10:29am
Rose, it is 10:30am on a Thursday.
Rose
10:32am
Because just say the word, and there are soooooo many men I could set you up with.
Shane
10:36am
I appreciate the offer, but that’s really not where I am right now.
Rose
10:37am
Well consider the offer open-ended. Your wingwoman is standing by, ready to be called into action whenever you give the go-ahead
Shane
10:42am
That is not necessary.
Rose
10:43am
Because you’re choosing to live like a monk, or because there’s already someone in the picture?
10:43am
SHANE
10:43am
DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Shane
10:54am
I can honestly say no.
Rose
10:54am
OK, but you had to think about it
10:54am
IS THERE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND
Shane
10:57am
…
Rose
10:58am
🧐
10:58am
I will get to the bottom of this
Shane
10:58am
That feels like a threat.
Rose
10:59am
Wait is it ok for me to say bottom
10:59am
Because you’re so much more than that
Shane
11:01am
ROSE
Rose
11:02am
😉
Rose
8:22am
Catching up on the All-Star highlights this morning because I couldn’t watch the game live because I have this inconvenient thing called a job, and holy shit no wonder no one has ever let you and Rozanov play on the same side before. No one else even has a chance. You’d have to build a whole extension to your house for all the trophies.
8:27am
Wait
8:27am
Was it weird when he kissed you?
Shane
8:28am
Not as weird as you’d think.
Rose
8:28am
Because it’s one thing if someone you’re close with does that, but it’s not like you guys are BFFs.
8:29am
Wait
8:29am
NOT AS WEIRD AS I’D THINK
8:29am
SHANE HOLLANDER
8:29am
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Shane
9:06am
I would like to invoke my fifth amendment right against self incrimination.
9:08am
And before you say “oh that’s just an American legal thing,” I would like to point out that I am currently in Florida, which, last time I checked, was still a United State, despite everyone’s best efforts to cast it into the sea, so my rights are theoretically protected by the American Constitution right now.
9:17am
But yeah, I think it might be my favorite All-Star Game yet.
9:33am
Also I came out to someone else last night.
Rose
9:33am
WHAT
9:33am
SHANE HOLLANDER
9:33am
Sorry, that was an overreaction
9:34am
I promise I am very chill about this
9:34am
Was it planned, or more of a spontaneous thing?
9:35am
If you want to talk about it
Shane
9:38am
No, it’s fine.
9:42am
It was sort of in between planned and spontaneous? Like, I knew I needed to tell them, but the conversation was kind of impulsive.
Rose
9:44am
Shane Hollander, impulsive?? No way.
9:45am
How did they react? Because if they don’t support you 100% I will activate the movie superpowers I definitely have and I will teleport to Tampa to cut a bitch
Shane
10:03am
Well they had a pretty good reason to suspect the truth, but I do think I caught them off-guard by having the actual conversation. It wasn’t like “yay, here’s a Pride parade!” but they didn’t react badly.
10:06am
And then some other stuff happened.
Rose
10:06am
Sorry gimme a minute to take that all in
10:06am
You came out to someone who had “pretty good reason to suspect” that you’re gay, and then “some other stuff happened” ?!?!????
10:06am
SHANE
10:06am
This is your life and it’s only my business if you want to tell me, but WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION
10:07am
WHO IS HE
Shane
10:08am
😉
Rose
10:09am
SHANE YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS NOT ON WIKIPEDIA HOLLANDER WHAT SORT OF SHENANIGANS DID YOU PARTICIPATE IN
Shane
10:09am
🤐
Rose
10:10am
Fine, keep your juicy secrets, you dog. I hope you had fun getting your freak on.
10:10am
And in all seriousness, I do hope that this person can be part of your support system
10:11am
Maybe as your BOYFRIEEEEEEEEND
Shane
10:16am
I regret everything in my life that has led to this moment in particular.
Rose
10:17am
Don’t lie to me. You aren’t very good at it.
Shane
10:24am
I’ve heard that before.
Rose
3:28pm
Soooooo your mystery man is someone you’ve known for a while, and he’s in Tampa during All-Star weekend. Is he there for hockey reasons?
Shane
4:22pm
I don’t know why anyone would go to Tampa on purpose if they didn’t have to
Rose
4:26pm
I’m taking that as a yes
Shane
4:27pm
…
Rose
4:27pm
We both know that means “Rose is right but Shane is too stubborn to openly admit it”
Shane
4:27pm
…
Rose
4:28pm
I’m picturing your little grumpy kitten face pouting at your phone right now and it is very cute
Shane
5:07pm
It’s Kaede, by the way.
Rose
5:09pm
???
Shane
5:11pm
My middle name.
5:11pm
It’s Japanese for “maple.”
5:12pm
Because Canada.
5:14pm
My parents think they’re funny.
Rose
5:33pm
Omg I love everything about this
5:47pm
Wait DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT SHANE
April 2017
Rose
7:49pm
Shane, I know you won’t see this for a while, but God I hope you’re ok. I know that realistically there’s fuck-all I can actually do to help right now, but I needed to tell you that I’m thinking of you.
Instagram DM from @mrsjackiepike to @roselandry
8:17pm
Hi Rose, idk if you’ll even see this, but this is the only way I can think of to get in touch with you. Shane is in the hospital. He took a hard hit tonight that knocked him out. He’s got some nasty injuries and a concussion, but he’s stable now and he’ll be ok. I know you guys aren’t together anymore, but you’re still friends, and Shane clearly likes you a lot, and I thought you would probably want to hear directly from someone who’s actually here.
8:26pm
I’m his teammate-in-law, btw. He and my husband Hayden have been teammates for years.
8:34pm
My kids call him Uncle Shane. It’s adorable.
8:37pm
Hayden is with him at the hospital—he went over there as soon as he could. Shane’s parents are on the way. I’m heading over there as soon as I can get someone to stay here with the kids. We’ll make sure he isn’t alone.
Rose
9:16am
Omg Jackie hi thank you for all of this. I’m so glad he has all of you around him. I haven’t known him for that long, but I’m like weirdly protective of him?
Jackie
9:21am
Yeah, he tends to bring out that instinct in other people
9:38am
He’s doing pretty well, overall, this morning. Confirmed broken collarbone and concussion, and no need for surgery. Just rest and PT.
9:41am
Also I want you to imagine Shane hopped up on painkillers.
9:43am
Because the broken bones and the concussion are serious but now that I know he’ll be ok I no longer feel as guilty about thinking that Shane high as a kite on painkillers is funny.
9:47am
Also he was somehow in an even better mood after Rozanov visited, which is so weird
May 2017
Rose
1:16pm
Well guess who has to go back to Montreal for reshoots this summer
Shane
1:35pm
I can tell you’re very excited about it.
1:39pm
I have no way to prove this, but I feel like this is the result of some plot my mother hatched.
Rose
1:48pm
To get us back together? Ha!
Shane
1:59pm
She wants me to be happy, yes, but I know she is salivating at the idea of me being half of a power couple.
2:03pm
Meaning, if you hadn’t come out to me on my own behalf, you could have literal armloads of Rolex and more Reebok than you know what to do with.
2:06pm
So think about that next time you have a boyfriend who is rich and famous and you decide to break up with him just because he happens to be gay or whatever.
June 2017
Rose
4:17pm
Ugh, I can’t even watch the game live tonight because I have a stupidly early call time tomorrow.
Shane
4:26pm
Well we all know what’s going to happen because my mom said so. I don’t think you’ll miss much.
Rose
5:13am
Shane
5:13am
Shane
5:13am
SHANE
5:14am
SHAAAAAAANE
5:14am
I miss ONE Cup clinching game, and Scott Methuselah Hunter apparently has a BOYFRIEND???
5:15am
Did you know anything about this?
5:18am
And hey, whatever happens now, the pressure of being the first won’t be yours to bear.
5:20am
Is that a relief, or does it feel like he’s stolen your potential thunder?
Shane
8:33am
I don’t even know anymore.
Rose
8:33am
IT LIVES!!!!
Shane
8:34am
…were you surprised when I didn’t respond to you at 5:13am?
Rose
8:35am
Not really.
8:35am
Seriously though. How are you feeling? What’s the vibe? I imagine players talk to each other about this sort of thing
Shane
8:42am
The sort of thing where a perennial All-Star celebrates his first Cup by kissing the boyfriend no one knew he had? Yeah, there’s some chatter.
Rose
8:42am
If anyone is criticizing them I swear I will go to WAR
8:42am
And I’m currently brushing up on my martial arts training for reshoots, so I will take a fucker down
Shane
8:47am
Ok I’ll let the homophobic pro hockey players know that you’re ready to fight them
Rose
8:52am
But seriously, are people being cool about this?
Shane
8:54am
Mostly? I haven’t seen much outright hostility, but you never know.
Rose
8:56am
I don’t think Ilya Rozanov slept last night. He’s been retweeting like a madman.
8:57am
Like, I get it, but it is maybe starting to feel a tad bit performative rather than genuine
Shane
9:02am
Nah, he’s just really enthusiastic. About everything. Including this, apparently.
Rose
9:06am
So he’s more “menace with a heart of gold” than actual villain?
Shane
9:08am
That’s a pretty good description of him actually.
Rose
9:46pm
Really sweet speech from Scott Hunter. I’m impressed, especially since he was brought back from extinction to be one of the star attractions at Jurassic Park.
Shane
9:51pm
Damn, Rose. What did Hunter ever do to you?
Shane
10:20am
Good news: got the all-clear from the team doctors and training staff to drop the sling.
Rose
10:41am
Nice!
10:41am
What’s the first thing you’ll do now that you have the full use of both arms again?
Shane
10:52am
Make that burger recipe you sent me.
Rose
10:53am
You lie like a rug, Shane Hollander
July 2017
Rose
8:27pm
My brothers are sending me tons of photos of their boys trip to Sleeping Bear Dunes and if they’re trying to give me an incurable case of FOMO, it’s working
8:28pm
They’re out frolicking and I’m here being painted teal for three hours every morning
10:18am
Man, you’ve been quiet this week. Did you get a new book of sudoku or something?
3:18pm
Seriously. Are you ok?
9:22am
I just heard there’s a pending shortage of ginger ale and salmon and chickpeas. I’m concerned. For you.
2:48pm
Still nothing? Damn.
Instagram DM from @roselandry to @mrsjackiepike
7:17pm
Hey, have you guys heard from Shane lately? Like, any signs of life? He hasn’t replied to any of my texts in days. It isn’t unusual that he didn’t reply right away, but it is unusual that he hasn’t replied at all…
Jackie
2:12am
Hayden talked to him on the phone the other day and said he seemed really distracted.
2:16am
I say this with all the love in the world… Shane is weird. He very much marches to the beat of his own drum. And he’s still recovering from the most serious injury of his career, which will cause anyone some level of existential reevaluation.
Shane
9:22am
I promise I will explain everything later, but do you have room in your schedule to grace a fundraiser in Montreal and/or Ottawa with your glamorous presence?
Rose
9:23am
For you? Of course I fucking do
9:23am
Just say when and where and I’ll be there
Shane
9:47am
Ok, cool. It’s for mental health care access and inclusive sports and that kind of thing. And it won’t be for a while—we only just started planning this and we have a lot of work to do to get it off the ground.
Rose
9:48am
I am 100% on board with these very worthy causes
Shane
9:49am
Also Ilya Rozanov will be there.
Rose
9:52am
I like how you made sure I was a lock to attend before you told me that
9:54am
How well do the two of you actually know each other? I imagine that just hanging out with him would be kind of awkward
Shane
9:56am
You have no idea.
Rose
9:57am
My brothers hang out with guys on other teams all the time, but obviously they’re not under the same scrutiny you are.
Shane
9:58am
…it’s complicated.
8:26pm
Just wanted to let you know that my parents now actually believe me about us not getting back together
Rose
8:26pm
Wait, what?
8:26pm
What changed?
8:27pm
SHANE WHAT DID YOU DO
Shane
8:33pm
I have had a very eventful day, so I am going to go sit by the fire pit and cuddle with my boyfriend and try to process everything
Rose
8:33pm
Your WHAT?!?!?!??
8:33pm
SHANE
8:34pm
SHAAAAAANE
8:34pm
SHAAAAANEY SHANE
8:34pm
You have a boyfriend? And your parents know we’re never ever ever getting back together (like ever) (Rose’s version)
8:35pm
Is your boyfriend at the cottage with you right now???
8:35pm
Wait, of course he is
8:35pm
THAT’S WHY YOU HAVEN’T REPLIED TO ME IN ALMOST A WEEK
8:36pm
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY SMOOCHING YOUR BOYFRIEND
8:36pm
Does that mean your parents have met your boyfriend???
8:36pm
How did that go? (It doesn’t seem like it was a disaster bc you seem pretty chill about this?)
8:39pm
SHANE
8:43pm
It has been ten minutes you canNOT leave me hanging like this
8:46pm
You’re so cute but you’re SO MEAN
8:48pm
Fine.
8:48pm
If I come visit you for Labor Day do I get to meet him?
8:53pm
Pleeeeeaaaaaase
Shane
9:04pm
Sorry, got… distracted.
Rose
9:05pm
Lemme guess, you were making out with your hot boyfriend?
Shane
9:09pm
What makes you think he’s hot?
Rose
9:10pm
Shane, please.
Shane
9:14pm
He wants me to tell you that he is extremely hot and completely irresistible.
Rose
9:14pm
OMG HI SHANE’S BOYFRIEND!!!!!
Shane
9:15pm
He says “hello Rose Landry.”
Rose
9:15pm
Shane, are you going to tell me anything else about him? Like… his name?
Shane
9:16pm
“I am international man of mystery.”
Rose
9:17pm
O
9:17pm
M
9:17pm
G
9:17pm
SHANE
9:18pm
Either I’m right about this or I’m going to sound completely insane and you will never let me live this down
9:19pm
It’s Ilya
9:19pm
Isn’t it
Shane
9:19
Yes. Yes it is.
Rose
9:20pm
Love this for you
9:20pm
And him, obviously
9:20pm
What a fucking power couple!!!
9:26pm
I can’t believe you’re having a romantic getaway at your perfect cottage while I have to board a flight at the asscrack of dawn tomorrow to fly to San Diego to do one stupid Comic-Con panel
9:27pm
It’s not even a direct flight, Shane. I have a layover at LAX.
Shane
9:43pm
San Diego has a kick-ass zoo though.
Rose
9:44pm
Shane, I do not have time to go to the zoo
9:45pm
Also if the zoo in Montreal does not already have a Shane Hollandeer I’m going to write someone a very sternly-worded letter
Shane
9:48pm
The Executive Director’s name is Valerie Dubois and I’ll let her know to look out for that in her inbox.