Chapter Text
"Hello, moya lyubov!”
“Ilya… Ilya… you didn't say it was going to be like this… oh my God, Ilya.”
“Shane? What's wrong?”
“The fucking arms! The fucking pecs…. Oh my God… your mouth, how does your mouth do that? No, no, no… This is not okay. Ilya…”
Ilya laughed, “ah I see, you are calling because you have seen me look sexy in a magazine?”
“No, on their Instagram… I can't… I actually can't… I'm going to combust, how are you so fucking hot? How? You look like fucking Hercules or something. The fucking eyes, the eyes! Why can't I zoom? Why can't I zoom? Okay, now I can. Oh, I might puke… I might combust and puke at the same time… Why the fuck are you not home right now? It is not fair. I need you, oh my fucking God. Ilya!"
“Shane–”
“I need to see you naked. Yes, I need to prove to myself I can see that man naked whenever I want. FaceTime me? Please? Please? I need to see you naked right the fuck now.”
“You can see me naked whenever you want, this is true. But I think maybe, and it is totally up to you, but maybe when I am at practice is not the best time?"
“...are you at practice?”
“Yes.”
“...right now?”
“Uh-huh.”
Then Shane heard snickering in the background that he was a bit too preoccupied to notice before.
“And I suppose you did not step aside somewhere private to take this call?”
“Mmmm, nope.”
“So you are at practice, talking to me, with your teammates — perhaps my soon to be teammates — hearing everything I say?”
“I don't know if they hear everything you say… Did you guys hear everything he said?”
“Pretty much.” "Yup." "Sorry, Hollander!”
“Oh okay, yes. Yes, they did.”
“I am going to fucking kill you.”
Ilya laughed again, “sorry guys, is just my husband has seen my Men's Health cover and now he wants to see me naked.”
“Ilya, I've told you, you can't call me your husband before we're married!”
“Ah, is just practicing. Also ‘fayoonsaay’ is a stupid word.”
“I don't blame you, Hollander. Even I kinda got the hots for your man after seeing those biceps flexing like that,” Bood chimed in. “Haas definitely creamed his pants.”
A “hey!” followed by an “ouch!” came from what Shane assumed was Haas punching Bood on the arm.
“Is normal, my sexyness has this effect on people. One second, I will ask… hey coach, can I skip practice early to get naked on FaceTime for my husband?”
“Ilya!”
“Ah, sorry... my ‘faayonsaaaay’?”
“Oh wow, I actually think I might kill you.”
“Aw, he said no.”
“You do realize there is no way in hell I can join the Centaurs now?”
“Hey, don't even joke about that!”
“I agree, Hollander. We're depending on you to come win us some cups!” Bood added.
“No no, I don't need my husband to win cups, thank you very much. Maybe to take some off if you know what I mean…”
“Gross!” Shane and Bood exclaimed in unison.
“Coach says break is over. I call you after, yes?”
“Naked.”
“Naked,” Ilya chuckled. “Get the tripod ready.”
“What do you have tripods for?” Bood asked.
“Bood, we are sexy men in relationship always on the road, what do you think?”
“Oh my God, ILYA!”
“Love you!”
“You are so fucking lucky I love you too.”
“Oh, I know I am. Bye! Mwah!”