Chapter Text
mark is panicking
10:56
Mark created group ‘mark is panicking’
Mark added Seb
Mark added Kimi
Mark added Fernando
Mark added Lewis
Mark added Nico
Mark added Jenson
Nico
mark are you
ah
panicking
Mark
YES
HELP ME
ALL OF YOU
Jenson
i already gave you a paper one time in uni we are NOT doing this again
Nico
mark why on earth would you take jenson’s essay
Lewis
No no it’s definitely about a man
Seb
Don’t panic please it’s very loud
Fernando left the group
Mark added Fernando
Mark
no nando you’re in this too do not leave me
Fernando
Will you get on with what happened, then?
I’ve gotten up to 500 messages from you six. My phone makes me pay far too much every month to be friends with you all.
Seb
Fernando give the man some therapy
Kimi
what did you do
Mark
it’s a
um
uh
well
man
Lewis
I CALLED IT
Jenson
read the room love
Lewis
right right
mark are you okay?
Nico
is he hot?
Lewis
and you say you only have eyes for me 😔
Nico
hot people are hot what can i say
Mark
yes
very
please send help fast
Kimi
address?
Mark
metaphorical help
please do not enter my home
Jenson
its a dorm you muppet dont get all posh on us
Fernando
Tell us about him already, no?
Mark
right right right thanks Nando
he’s really straight
like
no shot at him kissing boys in a million years
but also we’re friends and i want to marry him and give the world for him
he deserves everything.
Seb
I ship this completely
Do we know him?
Kimi
straight 🚩
Jenson
woah kimi used emogis thats new
Seb
Kimi you good?
Astonishing new development
Nico
hey hey hey don’t change the subject mark do we know him
Mark
yes
but if i say his name it’ll feel real to me and i don’t want that
the more detached i am the faster i get over it
(and stop panicking)
Fernando
But he is real, right?
Mark
no fernando it’s an abomination of glue and paper designed to look just like a human and i’m obsessed
he’s really nice, i’ve been hallucinating him for a few months now
sorry you guys never got to meet him
he doesn’t have much to say, given the whole not being a human thing
Fernando
Point made
Mark
he’s a great listener too
so still and quiet all the time
Jenson
OOH where did you meet him i want to find a man like that
Kimi
He sounds like my next best friend
Fernando
Oh my goodness
Stop encouraging him.
Lewis
Mark please tell us about this human living man
Mark
you say that like i made him up
anyhow we’ve been friends for a while but i was hanging with him the other day and the realisation hit me like a bowling ball to the head
i love this man so dearly
at least i know enough other straight guys to ask about how to deal with a straight guy
Seb
You do know a disturbing amount of straight people
I’d say pick the three best of the lot and chop the rest
Are we counting Jens and I as one straight person?
Jenson
#bierasurecore
who says i cant have it al
Lewis
Seb how could you
sigh
Kimi
We need someone to like women so the rest of us don’t have to Seb
Seb
ITS NOT BI ERASURE IM LITERALLY BI TOO
Jenson
bi yourself
Seb
This chat has been straight people free for years, don’t tarnish our reputation
Fernando
1) I am straight.
2) Mark created this group today.
Nico
i said don’t change the subject like five minutes ago
go on mark
Mark
i’m regretting the decision to tell you all this already
Kimi
Already started
Continue
Mark
GREAT that’s great thanks for reminding me
uh idk you all know i dislike spontaneous hotheaded men
this one is quite spontaneous and hotheaded
he should not be my type
Lewis
Aussie?
Mark
no actually although that would make more sense
european 💔
Jenson
mind your emojis the rest of us are european
Mark
i’m aware
it explains a lot
Seb
Does he seem interested at all?
Mark
interested in being my friend!!
this man is straighter than the question ‘did you catch the game last night’
Jenson
QOAH LSNGUAGE
Fernando
What’s wrong with asking that question?
Nico
you sweet summer child
Kimi
Victim blaming
Seb
Even Kimi sees it, that’s wild
Kimi
Seb give back my book
Seb
I’m two feet away from you right now did that need to go in a seven person group text
Kimi
I want the book
Mark
fernando what do straight guys like
Fernando
Women
Mark
thank you so very much for that
Lewis
I feel I need to ask a realistic question
How long is this going to last
Are we talking you and Seb or Seb and Kimi
Kimi
Why am I mentioned
Seb
You say that like it was a bad thing
I have no regrets
Mark
absolutely none
hating you was fun too at that
Seb
Aww I hate you too ♥️
Mark
anyways
more of a lewis and nico situation
friends
good friends
except now i want to propose
Nico
wow lewis we really did have a good arc didn’t we
Lewis
What on earth do you mean, did
We’re still having one love
Jenson
oh my goodness not in the chat weve discussd this
Kimi
romantic
Seb
Oh so you can tell when people are flirting
Mark
ok so quite possibly the wildest comment seb's ever made on a chat
Fernando
That was not the weirdest thing Seb has ever said on a group chat.
Seb
No no he’s right, it could be a lot worse
Kimi
sending me photos of the same leaf from various angles ‘because good veins’ was excessive
Jenson
you tried to set me up with six differrent people
Lewis
I have no complaints but I want to jump in
Seb
I have excuses, excuse you
Kimi, you like leaves and I wanted to get a text back from you so I sent literally anything
Jens, you complain nonstop about wanting a girlfriend or boyfriend and I thought I’d try to help
Mark
poor jenson doomed to loneliness and sorrow his whole life
does he miss rubens i wonder
Jenson
i miss rubens a great deal
i don’t want an emotional partner
just a really good person to make out with every now and then
otherwise i’m not a romantic at all
Fernando
You’re aromantic?
Mark
NANDO KNOWS QUEER LABELS WHAT
Lewis
ALLY UNLOCKED
Fernando
Cool down, these words aren’t new to me just because I’m straight, if that’s what you’re implying.
Jenson
I FEEL SO SEEN
NANDO WAS THE FIRST TO CALL ME OUT ON AROMANTICISM THE REST OF YOU ARE JUST HOMOPHOBES
Mark
the whole chat was about me being in love with a man jens 💔
Nico
lewis he’s right
i’m homophobic
i have to leave you
Lewis
Ew, like we were together? I’m homophobic now
Bye Brit
Great knowing you
Nico
all joking aside i will actually block you
__
Jenson
11:29
Jenson
don’t tell me it’s who i think it is
Mark
it is precisely who you think it is
__
Mark
11:29
Seb
Mark
You didn’t
Mark
seb
i did
i didn't
i did
NO NO NO NO
I DIDJT
ARGH
send help
Seb
Respectfully, get help
Mark
what on earth do you think i’m talking to you lot for
__
Fernando
11:32
Mark
so do you think you could take a guy
theoretically
Fernando
Whether this is courtship or an odd personal preference, please do not ask me that.
Mark
…
not even for me?
Fernando
Why would you be any different in this scenario?
Mark
cause you love me more than just any random dude 💔
thanks for the information i suppose
Fernando
I could maybe make an exception if you gave me a great reason to, I suppose. I take it you already know that my general answer is no, however.
Mark
:((((
Fernando
I don’t see what got you all worked up about this, none of the information I just gave should be a surprise to you?
18:49
Mark
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT NO
I MEANT LIKE IN A FIGHT
I WAS ASKING FOR BACKUP I NEED TO THROW HANDS WITH Seb
22:01
Mark
fernando
what on earth was that last text supposed to mean
__
mark is panicking
09:45
Jenson
so like
if i were
thorereticslly socially anxious
would anyone be willing to go to the store with ne
Seb
Can you buy me candy
Kimi
I want popsicles
Mark
chocolates please
Nico
fruit chews
Lewis
Disgusting
Oreos
Kimi
ice cream
Mark
not beating the nordic allegations
Jenson
OI
im too broke to be taking orders
pay for your own candy
(literally just give me the money and ill buy it i love you all)
Seb
WE LOVE YOU TOO JENSSSS
Mark
MVPPPP
Kimi
goat
Mark
that’s new kimi
Seb
Oh yeah
Hmm
I forgot I taught him that
Fernando
Chocolate bar.
Jenson
oh so you come alive as soon as free stuff is meneitoned
i fear this is a gays only extravaganza nando
you’ll have to join us if you want your hersheys
Mark
join
join
join
join
i have screenshots
join
join
join
Seb
Dude it’s free chocolate take it
Kimi
kiss men?
Fernando
I can buy my own chocolate.
Jenson
ugh you homophone
Nico
take the gay money
Fernando
How is that not the worse statement?
Lewis
Because Nico said it
Mark
PACK IT UP NOT ON MAIN
Lewis
THIS CHAT IS LITERALLY ABOUT YOU DOING THE SAME THING
Mark
this is different
i found the loml
nico is a blonde german twink
no offense nico you’re a walking red flag
Nico
omg thank you i’ve been trying to be
Lewis
I am a massive fan of red flags
Seb
take it back to the private chats gents
Kimi
not our business
Mark
be more yearning coded
that’s what we do here
Jenson
i’ll yearn with ypu
MEN
MEEEEEEEEN
like that?
Mark
yes precisely
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
Jenson
omg wait who’s that hot aussie i’m thinking of
Mark
aww jens you’re too kind
Jenson
well yes you too but the other one
curly hair and whatnot
Mark
me.
Jenson
do not interrupt my yearning
he’s frequently associated with that kid oscar or sm
Mark
YOU KNOW MY NAME
OH MY GOODNESS
Jenson
HIS NAME IS Daniel
THATS MY NEXT TARGET
I NEED THAT MAN IN A DEEP WAY
Mark
do you actually
like
know him
Jenson
ok so like no but it’s fine
i plan to know him later
nando how do you court an aussie
Fernando
Now why would I know?
Jenson
osvbiuos reasons
Fernando
I don’t want context.
Seb
I sure do
drop the lore jens
Jenson
ahh everyone is interested in everyone
id french nando if he was up for it
wait sorry mark dont get all territoreal
Mark
and why exactly would i do that
not to mention the host of questions raised by the second text
Fernando
I have no plans to become gay.
Mark
how homophobic
Kimi
be nice Fernando
Fernando
This is victim blaming.
Seb
See cause victim blaming would only apply if you were a ✨victim✨
Nico
can confirm nothing actually happened to fernando
Lewis
I have to agree with Nico
I think that was in our marital vows
Nico
we got married?
Lewis
it was in a dream i had
jens made everyone wear tiaras it was fantastic
on a different note we should get married already
Nico
ARE YOU PREGNANT
Lewis
surprise!!
Nico
i’m so proud of myself
Mark
we’re making a chat without you
__
Seb
09:52
Jenson
im too impatent to let nature run it’s course we need to get them together
Seb
Oh great he told you too
The fact that we were able to figure it out this fast is a bit concerning
He’s got no hope for hiding it long term
I swear to Fangio why was this man stupid enough to make a chat and then put his man on it
Jenson
id like to think its an indirect form of confesi[on
im kind of inspiered honestaly
Seb
How do you sleep at night knowing you would give any English teacher on earth heart palpitations
You should text Daniel and be like HI HIIIIII you busy?
Jenson
autocourrect and i had compatibility issues
she just deosnt understand mj
whats in it for me to text daniel
this seems to be purely for your intertanment
Seb
spot on
__
Jenson
09:53
Jenson
HI HIIIIII
you busy?
Daniel
Not particularly, you?
__
Seb
09:53
Jenson
it didnt work
Seb
Why don’t I believe you
Jenson
[View attached image]
Seb
Oh dear
It indeed did not work
Send him your location that’s a nice way to get things moving
__
Jenson
09:55
Jenson
[View location]
Daniel
I’ll be 20 minutes
__
Seb
09:57
Jenson
IT WORKED
Seb
GO CLAIM YOUR AUSSIE