Work Text:
Ilya had a terrible idea for a TikTok.
So he waited until Shane was in the kitchen making their lunch - nothing complicated, just a stir fry that worked with his husband's diet - and then started a TikTok live in their bedroom.
“Hello! I am going to prank my husband, but if I made this into a video, he wouldn't let me post it, sooo-” he gestures wildly. “Start your screen recordings!”
He walks into the kitchen, phone in hand, trying not to look too excited.
He kisses his husband on the cheek and “casually” props his phone on the counter against the paper towel holder.
“Hey, Shane?”
“Yeah, baby?”
Ilya is sure there is a shit-eating grin on his face, but he tries to repress it to make his husband less suspicious. “What was word that Barrett taught me the other day? The internet one where you make someone angry on purpose?”
Shane pauses, tilting his head. “... ragebait?”
Ilya nods. “Da, yes! And in English, you add -er to make into a person?”
“... yes?” Shane frowns, confused by the line of questioning.
“So would be ragebaiter?”
“I guess?”
“And chirping is like ragebaiting, yes? I am good at this, yes? I am very good rage baiter?”
“...” Shane doesn’t answer, audibly sighing instead.
“Shane? Sweetheart? I am very good at chirping, yes?”
“You are the most annoying person I’ve ever met, baby.”
“So…”
“Yes, you are very good at chirping. Because you’re an asshole.”
“Aw, thank you!” Ilya grins, touching his chest like he’s just been given a big compliment. “And what do you call a person who is good at something?”
“What’s with all the questions, Ilya?” Shane pauses. “I don’t know, an expert? A professional?”
“No, no, other word. Starts with M, like kung fu movies.”
“... A master?”
“Yes! So I am very good at chirping, a master chirper, yes?”
“... Sure.”
“And chirping is like rage baiting? So I guess you could call me a-”
“Wait-” Shane catches on just a little too slow. “Don’t you dare-”
“A master baiter?”
Shane sets the spatula down and sighs so deeply Ilya can feel it in his soul. “God fucking dammit, Rozanov.”.
Ilya can't help it, he bursts out laughing.
Shane finally turns away from the stove to reach over and smack him - gentle, always gentle. “I hate you, you're such an asshole.”
“Sorry, sorry!”
“You’re not sorry, you fucker.” Shane rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe you wasted my time with th- are you recording? Ilya!”
Ilya cracks up, honest to god giggling like the kid who just pranked the teacher with a Whoopie Cushion.
“You are not posting that!”
“But, sweetheart, moy solnyshko, is funny!”
“Ilya Gregorovich Rozanov-Hollander, if you want to do anything more than master-bait for the next week, you will be deleting that video.”
Ilya freezes like a child caught with his hand in a cookie jar. “Ah-”
Shane narrows his eyes at his husband, suspicious. “Rozanov.”
“Oops?”
“What does oops mean, Ilya?”
“Is not video?”
“What do you mean-”
Shane grabs the phone, sees the on-going livestream and turns an impressive shade of scarlet.
“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, ROZANOV-”
The stream ends.
-
kay <3’s centaurs @calikaykay
LMAO DID Y’ALL CATCH ROZZY’S LIVE ON TIKTOK??
l-> max loves hollzy! @play_it_right
Wait no i was at work what happened????
l-> kay <3’s centaurs @calikaykay
You have to watch it its so funny [link to screen recording]
andy (j.j.’s wife) @jjsfave
Get you a man who will rage bait you in the kitchen like ilya does with hollzy
[screenshot of the video where Shane is visibly rolling his eyes]
Jenni (hockey era) @hopeful_aromantic
The way roz started the stream with “my husband wouldn’t let me post this, so i’m going live instead” and the video ends with “ilya if you don’t delete that video i’m not having sex with you for a week” he knows his husband so well
junie 4 shane @playin_u_2nite
I’m dyingggg ilya “master ragebaiter” rozanov really lives up to his title
andrea (drea’s version) @shanetheicon_
The sigh shane let out during that whole exchange… i felt that in my BONES. Pls ilya your husband is so tired of your shit let him LIVEEE
Lilah is ✨famous✨ @freakier_than
I can’t believe i actually got to screen record the whole live - ilya’s mischievous little smile, the way he was trying so hard not to laugh while shane was answering his questions??? Shane’s visible exhaustion? They are so married its crazy
justin rhymes with boston @dreaming_days
The way ilya was giggling is taking me OUT he was so excited to prank his husband .. #lovewins
Davíd 🏒@hockey_hater213
Remember when people thought that it was a PR marriage or that they were just doing it for Ilya’s citizenship… that is the most Married Couple i have ever seen. This is literally the way I talk to my husband. Shane FULL NAMING ilya?? Absolutely crazy, i love them.
💐 MARIA 💐 @daylightstar
Ilya fishing for compliments.. “I am very good at chirping, yes?” “tell me i am good at chirping pls baby” “shaneeee tell me i am good at chirping!” girl STAND UPPPPP
Rami @holeander
I’m cracking tf up, why did rozanov do this???? What was his thought process, i NEED to know
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
Was funny 🤷♂️
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
I am master ragebaiter 💪💪💪
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
I’m locking your phone in a safe. Go switch over the laundry.
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
Nooooo 😢😢
Luca Haas ✅ @haas_official
Cap… why are you like this?
Hayden Pike✅ @hay_pike
@hollander24_official were there seriously no nice boys in Montreal? You had to pick this one?
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
Shh go away 15th best hockey player on bad team, go spend time with your village of children
l-> Hayden Pike✅ @hay_pike
@hollander24_official, come get your man out of my replies
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
Ilya.
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
Yes sweetheart 😊😊 ?
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
Leave Hayden alone please.
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
am i not allowed to have hobby? Is this domestic abuse? You take away my freedoms?
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
What? No. just stop bothering my friend? Go switch over the laundry if you need a hobby.
Rose Landry ✅ @rose_landry_official
I’m dying, Shane, baby, please, you don’t have to put up with this?
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
I knew what he was like when I married him, unfortunately.
l-> Ilya Rozanov ✅ @official_roz81
Unfortunately??? How dare you, i am a delight and you love me!
l-> Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
Yes, I love you. Now get off of twitter and switch over the laundry.
Wyatt Hayes✅ @hayesthegoalie
Yes, Roz is always like this. Yes, we tried to get Hollzy to leave him. No, it didn’t work.
l-> Bood✅ @boodhockey
Hollzy laughed at us when we tried to talk to him about it… he’s exactly where he wants to be i suppose
LaPointe✅ @lapointeandlaugh
Pros and Cons of being on the team with the First Husbands of Hockey!
Pros:
- Really good players
- Read each other’s minds on the ice
- Great teachers
Cons:
- They never stop chirping/rage baiting at each other
- They don’t know how to go easy on you during practice scrimmages
- They will make out in storage closets and not lock the doors
l-> Young✅ @young_and_dumb32
You forgot that every game is foreplay for them
l-> Evan Dykstra✅ @dykstra_hockey
You forgot the flirting with each other in Russian
l-> Holmsberg✅ @bergy_cen
You forgot the parts of practice where cap will try to steal kisses from hollzy who is actively skating away from him as fast as he can
-
Shane Hollander ✅ @hollander24_official
Yes, I know my husband is an asshole. Yes, I know he’s the worst. Yes, I know he was voted Most Punchable Player for four years straight. Yes, I know divorce exists.
To @official_roz81, Yes, I love you, even if you’re an asshole and a ragebaiter. Now go switch over the fucking laundry.