Chapter Text
ac/dc training wheels
Scott Hunter (NY):
Alright @Everyone
Thoughts on adding Zane Boodram from Ottawa?
They just made him an alternate
Eric Sullivan (Phoenix)
The left winger?
Wait didn’t he just get drafted??
They gave him an A already?
You:
Ottawa drafted him in 2014
But he went to college first so he’s not actually that young
Scott Hunter (NY):
Yes - don’t worry Hollander
You and Rozanov still hold the dubious honor of being the youngest captains ever named
Lily:
Ah but is a better honour than the record for oldest captain in league history!
Scott Hunter (NY):
Fuck off Rozanov
Anyway if you are good with me adding him can you please react to this message? I can vouch that he seemed like a stand up guy when we spoke
You, Lily, Cliff Marleau (Boston), Victor St Simons (Boston), Hayden Pike and 9 others liked this message
Scott Hunter (NY) has added an unknown number
Scott Hunter (NY):
Hey Boodram!
Welcome to the chat - its just made up of a couple of captains and alternates from the league
Mainly we just trade advice on being captains and keeping an eye on our rookies
Unknown:
Hello!
Thanks for adding me - admittedly the idea of having to help wrangle our rookies is slightly horrific
Like they are not that much younger then me and I still cannot understand half of what comes out of their mouths
Carter Vaughn (NY):
Hey Boodram!
Don’t worry - Scott made this chat back when Boston and Montreal decided to give Hollander and Rozanov the C when they were 20
We are (somewhat) well equipped to help
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Plus this is a “good vibes only” chat
Only fun assholes like Rozy allowed
No douchebags like the guys from Toronto or Dallas tend to be
Unknown:
Sounds like this should be fun!
You have added “Zane Boodram (Ottawa) to your contacts
You:
Great to have you Boodram!
***
Scott Hunter (NY):
Sent a photo
I swear to god these rookies are going to put me in an early grave
Felix Aarons (LA):
What the fuck?
Carter Vaughn (NY):
Tell me that is NOT our locker room
Scott Hunter (NY):
🙃
It is not not our locker room
Please tell me you are near the rink because I am about to lose it
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Hold on. Is that a fucking raccoon?
Carter Vaughn (NY):
…
I’m on my way
Try not have an aneurysm before I get there?
You:
Why are your rookies holding a raccoon?
Scott Hunter (NY):
Apparently they mistook it for some sort of fucking cat and wanted to keep it
Except Gillis lives with me and Prentice and Wagner's building doesn't allow pets
So they decided to keep it in the locker room
The raccoon, of course, wasn’t quite on board with this plan
Hayden Pike:
Dude your locker room is trashed
How the fuck did they mistake a raccoon for a cat?!?
Scott Hunter (NY):
I actually honestly do not know
What I do know is that I am NOT going to be the one who tells management
Or Coach
That is on them
Lily:
You are not excited for first grandchild Hunter?
You do not want to congratulate your own babies and their hard work??
You will not help them care for their newborn as a good grandparent?
Tsk tsk - and such a shame when the baby looks very much like you
Scott Hunter (NY):
…
Lily changed the group chat name to "Congratulations Grandpa Raccoon!"
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
🤣Rozy you menace!
Zane Boodram (Ottawa):
Man you really are crazy!!
I love it!
Scott Hunter (NY):
Absolutely not
Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "ac/dc training wheels"
Lily:
Boo!
Lily changed the group chat name to "The raccoons are loose!"
Scott Hunter (NY):
NO!
Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "ac/dc training wheels"
Lily changed the group chat name to "Grandfather Hunter Gatherer and his raccoonlets!"
Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "FUCKING STOP"
Lily changed the group chat name to "NEVER"
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Hunter
I will warn you - he will not stop
Felix Aarons (LA):
Don't stop! This is the best entertainment I have had all week!!
Lily changed the group chat name to "the raccoons are taking over!"
Carter Vaughn (NY):
Honestly Cap I really don’t know what you expected here
Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "why are you like this?"
Lily changed the group chat name to "The Fossil of New York"
You have changed the group chat name to "The captain of grandfathers and his dumpster fires"
You have locked the group chat name
Scott Hunter (NY):
Really Hollander!
Even you!
You:
🤷🏻♂️
Lily:
Ha!
Scott Hunter (NY):
I fucking hate all of you
***
Hayden Pike:
So question
Is anyone else's rookies just seemingly allergic to using their gear properly?
Carter Vaughn (NY):
???
No not really?
You guys good over in Montreal?
Hayden Pike:
No
J.J Boiziau:
Non
Hayden Pike:
Two of our rookies have decided that their protective padding is stupid and only slows them down.
The other decided that his mouth guard was ‘too annoying’
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Oh no
OH NO
Hayden Pike:
Yeah
Shane discovered that they were doing this about a month ago
And when he found out that his lecture on safety didn’t stick he decided to implement equipment checks every time they get on the ice
Lily:
Ah yes
Hollander has ascended to his final form
He has become Mumander
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
🤣
Hayden Pike:
🙄
Very funny Rozanov
J.J Boiziau
The rookies of course were not happy about this
So when Shane got called into a meeting with Coach about five minutes before practise started
Well they took advantage
Carter Vaughn (NY):
You know all of a sudden Hollanders lack of texts seems really ominous
You good there @Hollander
You:
No
No I am not because one of the stupid fucking 19 years old I’m somehow responsible for decided not to wear his bloody mouthguard at afternoon skate and the absolute dumbass took a stick to the face
So now I’m sitting in the ER waiting for him to get back from xray because of course its the one rookie who isn’t with a billet family
Why are they like this?
Scott Hunter (NY):
Too many pucks to the face
Lily:
Their mothers didn't drop them on their heads enough as babys so the universe decided to do it for them
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Oh shit
We play against you guys tomorrow too!
Aren’t you flying in early in the morning or something?
You:
Yes
Its nearly 12am here and the ER is so busy
We have to be at the airport at 7am
I might actually commit a murder
Actually
@Hayden Pike
@J.J Boiziau
Why the fuck are you awake?!?!?
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
Ooh ur captains mad!
James Foster (Seattle):
Damn you two are in trouble!!
J.J Boiziau:
Ah
Well
You see Captaine…
Hayden Pike:
Arthur's teething and won’t settle
And I am NOT leaving Jackie to do it when we are about to be gone for weeks on a roadie
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Oh man thats rough actually
My wife and I nearly died when my kid was teething and wouldn’t sleep through the night
Hayden Pike:
I thought the twins were bad
They had nothing on their brother
You:
@Hayden Pike Hmm
For Jackie I will accept that.
@J.J Boiziau Well? I am waiting!
Why the fuck are you not asleep yet?
J.J Boiziau:
Ahhhhh
Well Captaine, you see
You:
JJ
If you show up tomorrow any form of hungover, exhausted or otherwise incapacitated because you couldn’t keep your dick in your fucking pants until tomorrow night, then I will run the entire team through bag skates and drills until they puke while gladly telling them all about how its your fault
Go the fuck to bed NOW
J.J Boiziau:
Yep, yep, I hear you!
Going now!
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
🤣 Damn
Holzys scary when he pissed
Hayden Pike:
Don’t we know it!
Lily:
No no, Canadas golden boy is an asshole yes, but scary?
Maybe if you find an angry little kitten hissing at everything scary
But also Marly if you do not get your ass out of the club and to bed then Montreal will not be the only team running bag skates tomorrow
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
…Calling an Uber now
You:
Fuck you Rozanov
Lily:
Maybe later if ur good 😘
You:
🖕
***
James Foster (Seattle):
Ah fuck
@Lily, @Victor St Simons (Boston), @Cliff Marleau (Boston) are any of you aware of what's going on online?
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
No
Whats happened?
James Foster (Seattle):
Sent a link
Looks like one of your rooks got hacked or something
Theres a tape making its rounds on the internet
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
Shit
Its Kohn too
Out of all of them he is the least likely to take this well
I’m babysitting for my sister atm - Vicky can you go check up on him?
Victor St Simons (Boston):
I can’t - my kids sick and my wife is out of town so I can’t leave
Rooks not picking up and idk where Roz is
You:
Is he with a billet family?
Or can one of your teammates drop by his place?
Lily:
Is not necessary
I am with him
Scott Hunter (NY):
Good
Is the kid doing alright?
Lily:
Yes
I have seen the video - it is not too bad
He is annoyed and upset but will be fine
Carter Vaughn (NY):
Good
Do you know how it happened?
Lily:
Yes - his phone was stolen at a club last night
Is why he was not picking up for Vicky
Management have contacted police
Apparently he did not have a password on it
Carter Vaughn (NY):
Ah
Felix Aarons (LA):
Oh no
Hayden Pike:
Bad move
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Oof - bad idea
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
Damn it - I told him to put one on!
James Foster (Seattle):
Thats just some bad luck
J.J Boiziau:
Rookie mistake
Scott Hunter (NY):
You know I am suddenly feeling the urge to give my rookies a lecture about online safety
You:
You know what?
Same
***
Scott Hunter (NY):
Who in their right mind thought holding the awards in ATLANTIC CITY was a good idea?
Like seriously??
Felix Aarons (LA):
What's wrong with Atlantic city? If we have to go to this stupid thing then it's better then bloody Nashville would be.
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
You’re kidding right?
Felix Aarons (LA):
No?
Hayden Pike:
Damn did your management not tell you? Leagues inviting all the rookies this year.
Felix Aarons (LA):
…No. No tell me they didn’t
You:
Yep
Any rookie that ended the regular season with either at least 25 games played or without being sent back to the AHL by end of the season is invited
Zane Boodram (Ottawa):
But thats like 40 or 50 rookies
You:
Yes
And between all of us in this chat, we are responsible for around 20 of those
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
Basically - they screwed us
Scott Hunter (NY):
It's almost worse than Vegas!
I'm going to have to figure out how to annul a marriage AGAIN
Lily:
Ah but you will have it easy now yes?
Internet exists now, no more searching long boring scrolls with those picture letters on them
You:
Do you mean hieroglyphs?
Scott Hunter (NY):
Oh go fuck yourself Rozy
You realise that the League made room for the rooks by not inviting the alternates right?
That means you have to babysit yours all on your own.
Hayden Pike:
Wait, really?
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
Finally - a little mercy from the universe!
Sucks to be you Rozy!
J.J Boiziau:
Hahaha - suck it Captaines!
Zane Boodram (Ottawa):
No extra travel AND extra vacation? Fuck yes!
Lily:
…I am getting sick
Cannot go to awards
Marly will have to go instead
Cliff Marleau (Boston):
Oh hell no!
Why can’t Vicky go instead!
Victor St Simons (Boston):
Oh fuck that
The awards by themself are bad enough
I am NOT babysitting rookies at them as well
You:
Rozanov
You know the photo I have?
The one from when we had that bet at last years All Stars?
The bet you lost?
Lily:
…No
There is no photo
I do not know of any photo
Hollander don’t you fucking dare
Victor St Simons (Boston):
👀 theres a photo?
That Roz doesn’t want anyone to see?
Scott Hunter (NY):
Oh this should be good 🤣
You:
:)
Oh I think you know exactly what photo I’m talking about.
And I am telling you if you abandon me to do that god awful speech by myself I will ensure everyone sees it.
Lily:
…
You wouldn’t
You:
Try me.
Carter Vaughn (NY):
Damn Roz, you got full punctuation and everything
Hollzy only pulls that out when he's serious serious
Lily:
…Fuck you Hollander
I'll be at the stupid awards
Cliff Marleau (Boston), Victor St Simons (Boston), Scott Hunter (NY), Hayden Pike and 10 others laughed at this message
***
Scott Hunter (NY)
Hey Scott
Sorry to bother you so early in the morning
But you know how you said you were going to research how to annul a marriage
Did you ever actually do that?
…I might have
Why?
Can I have that information?
Please?
Please tell me one of your rookies didn’t actually get married last night
…
Not one of my rookies, no
Oh fuck
Hollander please tell me YOU did not get married last night
Hollander?
I don’t think you want the answer to that
WHAT
Aren't you meant to be like the responsible one??
Who the fuck did you marry???
Wait
Hollander why is Rozanov texting me?
Tell me you didn’t
Please don’t tell anyone
Oh for fucks sake
I’m coming over
Please for the love of my sanity be fucking dressed
And I am reserving the right to punch your new husband if he runs his mouth
…thats probably fair