Work Text:
(...)
So, some of you are probably wondering about the title...[cheers] Yeah, I bet you are. Bet you thought I was gonna show up in a skirt, huh? How many of you came to this show just to see that, ya freaks? [laughter] Well, hate to disappoint but no skirt for you! I am still the straightest gay man alive! [more laughter] Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I've seen those articles too. Richie Tozier: When You're So Straight It Turns Back Around To Being Gay, very funny, Buzzfeed. Not to be like, a spoilsport but God, was I afraid back then to be viewed as anything but straight. Like, just imagine me staying up late in the night, just, doing hours upon hours of research on how straight people act. I was the researcher and the straights were the bug under my microscope. [sporadic laughter]
And it worked! I learned how to act straight so well that I'm still fucking straight even after coming out of the closet. I may have left the closet but the clothes from it cling to me still. That's pretty fucking poetic, huh? You can laugh! It's funny! I'm not even being self-deprecating right now, I just love the irony of it all. And I know that like, my gay journey is not relatable to a lot of you but I know that finding it hard to know where you end and where the role you're acting as begins is relatable. [a few whoops and cheers] Thank you. God, good to know that there are people in the audience who are not completely turned off by sincerity. I gotta ask, is like vulnerability hot during sex, I've never tried it, I gotta know. Is honesty hot? [louder cheering from a few people] Well, I guess I know what I'm trying out tonight. [some laughter] Just kidding. Currently long distance. You know, with this tour and all. [cheering] Yeah, I bet all of you are happy about being such fucking cockblocks! [laughter] But you know what, you can't stop me! Maybe I'll have phone sex with my boyfriend tonight! [loud cheering] Kidding again, he'd never have phone sex with me. Or anyone. But mostly me. [laughter]
But back to the skirt thing. So, as you probably gathered by now I have a weird fucking relationship with masculinity. Which is a thing, apparently! There are like men who have fragile masculinities and act super manly to overcompensate so when you see a man who you think is like, a manly man you might actually be looking at someone who doesn't feel very much like a man! Isn't that crazy! And sometimes the men who act the most feminine are the most comfortable with their masculinity, it threw me a loop too, don't worry. So, when you look at a guy like me, not particularly manly but also not feminine, it gets you wondering. And you might think that I'm a big pile of nothing because I'm comfortable with whatever and I just developed this...I don't give a fuck attitude, as the kids say [laughter] but no, actually, I'm fucking miserable. Well, I was. Before Eddie. [very loud cheering. Richie has to stop talking for a minute, he smiles behind the microphone] God, isn't it insane? A year ago I was on this same stage making "I hate my girlfriend" jokes and now I'm the biggest wifeguy ever except my wife is a five foot nine germaphobe who is actually a fucking man. And I love him so much. [more cheering] If anything, I'm the wife. Because I did wear a skirt the other day. Yeah, we're back with that, you're not escaping gender talk with Trashmouth Tozier [laughter]
So, Bevs, a good friend of mine has informed us the other day that she identifies as bigender now. Which means that he's a girl and a guy at the same time. Fucking wild, right? You can just do that now! Now I sound like one of those assholes who thinks trans people spawned into existence in 2010. I know who threw the first brick at Stonewall, alright, I know my queer history. Now I know, that is. Back in Derry all I knew is that jacking off while thinking about my guy best friend was something that would've got me beat up if I told anyone. Hell, daring to high five with a guy for a millisecond longer than necessary got me beat up, bullies in Derry were not fucking around. [sporadic laughter] Thank fuck, I cannot be the only one to laugh at my traumas anymore. Shit's pretty funny now, looking back, genuinely. I play a game with a guy in an arcade and get called a slur. Like at this point, why wasn't I pushing my tongue down guys' throat? [more laughter]
Anyway, yeah, this bigender shit threw me a bit but like whatever makes Bev happy, right? Okay, so a little bit of background info for this is that Bev is my stylist now. [cheers] Yeah, I don't look as homeless anymore, huh? It's great! Sometimes my boyfriend watches videos of me on YouTube Shorts or whatever the fuck and texts me with "you look hot in that red suit jacket" and then I wear it for a week straight until he forces me out of it. And not even in a sexy way! [laughter]
Anyway, Bev dresses me now. And as I was trying on shit at one point, he just sat me down and just stared at me and asked "Hey, Rich, wanna wear a skirt?" [Richie stops talking and stares at the audience in bewilderment until there's laughter] And so, as you can guess I replied with "The fuck, no, Bevs, I do not. Where did that even come from?" And then she just gives me this deadpan look, so, feeling the need to clarify I say "Hey, just because I'm gay, I'm still straight" [laughter] And then he goes "See, that's exactly why" and fuck, man, I think that's when it really hit me, you know? That maybe everyone and their fucking mother knows I'm gay now but for some fucking reason I'm still terrified of being perceived as gay. So I went fuck it and put that fucking skirt on. [loud cheering]
Hell yeah! I hated it. [laughter] No, but it was really fucking freeing, though. I can wear a skirt! Who cares! I don't want to wear a skirt but if I can wear a skirt then maybe I can go to Pride and maybe I can wear pronouns pins and shit and rainbow stuff and whatever the fuck else and I can be visibly gay and it will be fucking fine. Who cares! Who gives a shit! I survived too much to be afraid of wearing a fucking skirt. [more cheering] God, this bit wasn't even funny but it was fucking freeing. Hope y'all appreciated the jokes sprinkled in at least. So, yeah, that's my journey with skirts and masculinity and whatever the fuck. Fun times! Bad news, Bevs, I'm still just a guy though, I'm not gonna join you in your trans journey. Try again with Bill! [laughter] Please don't try with Eddie, I'm still really fucking gay. [more laughter] I know they're both short enough to pass as women [more laughter, he stops speaking to grin] but Eddie's mine, okay, I placed my claim back at thirteen.
(...)
denki @tozehead
@bevmarsh please. sir please ,ou must have a picture. i need to see richie tozier in a skirt please for my health
Eddie K. @eddiekaspbrak
replying to @tozehead
yeah i highly doubt that
denki @tozehead
replying to @eddiekaspbrak
EDDIE KASPBRAK????
denki @tozehead
replying to @eddiekaspbrak
man, you gotta at least tell me is he hot in a skirt
Eddie K. @eddiekaspbrak
replying to @tozehead
...yeah
Instagram Live with Bev Marsh
Richie: Hey folks! How's it hanging?
Bev: Hi everyone. We're here to style Richie!
Richie: Yeah, I'm in my personal hell.
Bev, rolling her eyes: Very funny. Ready for your second time wearing a skirt?
Richie, shrugging: If that's what the Internet wants to see.
Bev: I'm pretty sure it is. I've seen Tozier in a skirt trending on Twitter the other day.
Richie: Jesus Christ.
Bev: You brought this upon yourself, man. No one forced you to write a standup bit about the one time you experimented with gender.
Richie: I would hardly call it that, my dear Bev.
Bev: Experimenting with fashion?
Richie: Everyday I wear clothes I'm experimenting with fashion.
Bev: Alright, that's enough of that. As usual, we will base this on you guys' input. Whatever you want to see this middle aged man in, write us a comment about it and let me work my magic.
[they both watch as a flood of comments come in, all with variations of "put him in a skirt"]
Richie: They seem pretty hellbent on a skirt.
Bev: Yeah.
Richie: Fuck my life.
Bev: Well, the Internet has spoken! Let's put you in a skirt.
Richie: Is this hot to you people? I'm over forty, you cannot be this desperate.
Bev: Stop being mean to my fans.
Richie: Bev, I'll be real with you, I'm pretty sure these are my fans.
Bev: The overlap is bigger than you'd think.
Richie: Uh huh, I'm sure.
Bev: Well. Time to put you in a skirt.
Richie: I'm not gonna deter you, am I?
Bev: Nope! Prepare yourself, Tozier.
Richie, sighing: Aye aye, captain.
[Richie walks into the changing room. Bev turns towards the camera.]
Bev: Now, I know some of you might be expecting a miniskirt but I haven't given up on my agenda of making Richie figure out he actually kind of likes skirts. So, if it's okay with you guys, we're gonna put together something he actually might like. After we put him in a miniskirt.
[lots of heart reactions]
Bev: Alright! Let me see what I can find.
[he shows the options to the camera as he goes through them and puts aside the most popular ones. eventually, she comes up with two outfits, one with a mini and one with a maxi skirt. she puts the first one on a hanger and gives it to Richie]
Richie: You're joking.
Bev: Nope!
Richie: Bev.
Bev, grinning: Richie.
Richie: Fuck. Is this even gonna come on me?
[it takes him a few minutes to dress up. in the meantime Bev answers a few questions from fans, mostly about their childhood together]
Richie: I hate everything about this.
Bev: Come out, dude, don't be shy.
[Richie groans but steps out of the changing room. Bev gasps dramatically. the comment section goes absolutely wild]
Richie: I've never felt worse in my skin. Thanks Bev.
Bev: Yeah, this is awful. Go back and change.
Richie: Fuck you too, dude what the hell. Why would you put me in this.
Bev: For the fans.
Richie: For the fans my ass, you just wanted blackmail material.
Bev: Rich, I love you but this is a live on the Internet. No blackmail material here, everyone can see this.
Richie: Fuck my life.
Bev: You have great legs though.
Richie: I really fucking doubt that.
[he puts on the second outfit. he looks kind of uncomfortable again when he comes out but more in a confused way, shifting from side to side]
Richie: This is not as bad.
Bev, biting back a grin: You think so?
Richie: Send a picture to Eddie, will ya?
Bev: On it.
[she fumbles with Richie's phone. in the meantime Richie stares at himself in the mirror]
Richie: Fuck me. This cannot be happening.
Bev: I knew it.
Richie: Fuck off. I was very comfortable not being comfortable in my body before you intervened.
Bev: Whatever you say, Rich.
Richie: What did Eddie say?
Bev: Nothing yet. The typing bubble keeps disappearing and then reappearing.
[Richie smirks to himself, still staring at his reflection]
Richie: Hey, Bev?
Bev: What?
Richie: Don't you want shorter hair?
(...)
Richie Tozier @ttozier
hi for anyone confused yes i am a man yes i am weird about it yes i like how i look in skirts no that does not make me not a man. that's all
Bev Marsh Did Nothing Wrong @lucymm
replying to @ttozier
why am i so invested in this middle aged man's gender journey
bobbie @rizzzzzler
replying to @lucymm
he just said he's still a man there is no gender journey
Bev Marsh Did Nothing Wrong @lucymm
replying to @rizzzzzler
dude, figuring out how to be comfortable in your gender can still be a gender journey even if it's the one you were assigned at birth. get weirder with it
bevmarsh
[image description: bev marsh with a similar haircut she had as a teenager /end id]
liked by richietozier, benhanscom and 3552 others
bevmarsh heard we're calling me boygirl these days
richietozier i hate this why am i attracted to all of my friends
bunny so you're not gay after all
richietozier bevs a man what are you on
benhanscom i can't believe i've been blessed with a beautiful wife and a handsome husband
bevmarsh <333
richietozier go get a room
(...)
So, Bev put me in a skirt again. [loud cheering] I liked it a bit more this time. I think I still have some discomfort I need to get over. I can say I'm out and proud all I want, when the shame has been ingrained in me, ya know? But it's whatever. It's a journey after all. Maybe next time I'm on this stage I'm gonna be using they/them pronouns or neopronouns or some shit. Have you guys heard about those? Neopronouns. [sporadic cheering] Yeah, that's a doozy. Apparently you can just use whatever fucking word you want as pronouns. It's some wild fucking shit but it's pretty cool. For guys like me with weird genders, especially. Maybe next time we meet, I'll have like a pronouns pin on my suit jacket Bev puts me in and it will have clown/clowns written on it. [laughter] Yeah, I bet you fucking think I'm joking. [more laughter]
No, but seriously, this is a fun journey to embark on. Like, I see sometimes twenty-something kids freak out about not having it all figured out and I'm forty-two, I came out as gay a year ago and now I'm eyeing neopronouns because my friend realizing she has a weird relationship with gender made me go "hey man, me too!" I think, like, and I'm gonna get serious again but sometimes masculinity scared me as much as being perceived as gay. I think that's why my style used to be racoon in the garage--any of you caught that reference? Yeah, I'm on TikTok now, crazy where life takes us [laughter]--because both alternatives scared me. But guess what! Well for one, maybe I don't have to be scared anymore. But also, there's a whole world out there outside of masculinity and femininity. And I have the rest of my life to find out about it because life does not stop when you're thirty! Fucking insane.
And guess fucking what, people love me in skirts. They really do! And I don't fucking know why. [laughter] I mean, I'm not dainty or elegant, that's for sure. I have broad shoulders and hairy legs and shit and there were some people in Bev's comment section who liked me even in that fuckass miniskirt. [surprised gasps] Yeah. A fucking miniskirt, I shit you not. I didn't like that though, so no more Trashmouth in a miniskirt for ya freaks! Those long ones, maybe. Eddie said he likes those too. Well, that's not what he said but it's what he meant, trust me. [laughter] I don't fucking know why but who am I to deny my hot boyfriend whatever he's into. Even if that's my ugly ass legs in a nun skirt. [laughter] Whatever he wants.
Self-deprecating talk aside which I guess is kinda my thing now, I'm actually lying this time around. I, too, kinda love me in skirts. [cheers] I still don't fucking know why but maybe it's exactly because I'm not dainty or elegant. Maybe I hit that sweet spot of, what's it called? Androgynous? And I mean, not really, I definitely think I look like a man but I don't look like a man who pretends not to give a fuck but is fucking sweaty with how much he does give a fuck. I look...free. I guess. Skirts are freeing. Maybe people just love me in skirts because they can tell.
(...)
Richie Tozier @ttozier
life is beautiful. always more to learn
[image description: screenshot of a list of neopronouns /end id]
Eddie K. @eddiekaspbrak
replying to @ttozier
gonna call you dumb/ass
Richie Tozier @ttozier
replying to @eddiekaspbrak
when are you gonna put on a skirt
Eddie K. @eddiekaspbrak
replying to @ttozier
never
Bev Marsh @bevmarsh
replying to @eddiekaspbrak
never say never 👀
Richie Tozier @ttozier
replying to @bevmarsh
put your own husband in a skirt
Bev Marsh @bevmarsh
replying to @ttozier
careful, before i make your pronouns ass/hole
Richie Tozier @ttozier
replying to @bevmarsh
that's actually brilliant
stan uris @stanaccounting
replying to @ttozier
richie no
richietozier
[image description: richie in a dark green suit jacket and a matching dark green skirt with a graphic tee underneath the suit jacket /end id]
liked by bevmarsh, eddiekaspbrak and 9335 others
richietozier new day, new me (still a man)
eddiekaspbrak you look really fucking gay
richietozier yeah man that's kinda the point
eddiekaspbrak i meant gay as in happy
richietozier oh