Chapter Text
One eye cracks open, then the other. It takes me a while to finally stand up, the weight of my body settling in my legs. I just stand there for a bit waiting for my senses to understand what’s going on. Last night was rough, nothing important done, nothing new done, just a tiring day. Looking back at the bed, normally I’d be tempted to jump back in but all the feathers left from molting last night are off-putting.
One step after another and I feel powerful, overcoming my exhaustion. “Ow fuck!” My own voice surprised me, hoarse and unfamiliar from hours of absence.
“You okay hon?” I heard from somewhere in the house. It sounded uncaring, almost hesitant to have been asked. The voice of someone awake and in rhythm with their own day.
“Yeah uh- just… just the doorframe.”
Realization lands, it’s Monday. Mondays aren’t bad for me, they’re actually the easiest day of the week. Classes only come in quick single periods. No real work. The issue is I’m standing here in pajama pants, and it’s four minutes before class starts.
Adrenaline leads me, clothes come flying on, shirt untucked. I’m not tired until I’ve run out the door past mom and into the street. “Damnit”. I force myself forward, shins aching and screaming for a break. Finally arriving at the gate, I check my phone and I just about give up. Late. Six minutes late. Enough to be embarrassing and marked as absent. Whatever. I start sprinting down the hall to my locker as fast as my legs can take me.
“Yo Birdbrain.”
Shit.
I’m done. It’s her. Of course it’s her. I should’ve been early.
I can’t deal with this right now. I can't be held up with this.
I just keep moving, reaching my locker.
“Hey dickhead, I was talking to you.”
I hesitate. She kicks the locker. “Y-yes Susie?” Should’ve stayed quiet. Maybe she would have left. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, I swear it’s personal somehow. Months of torment, passive ridicule, throwing things at me in class, a level of provoking and stalking purely to make me uncomfortable. Today it has to be worse though.
The fist comes fast, the glossy floor comes faster.
“You made me waste an afternoon gettin’ my ear chewed out asshole.”
I slowly lift my face from the ground. There's an unmistakable red blur when I wipe at my beak.
I can’t even speak, I don’t know whether it’s pride or pain but something stops me from saying anything stupid. It takes me a solid minute to realise she’s walking away and I’m left on the floor beside my glasses with newly formed cracks.
The day caught up to me, every inconvenience piling up into something angry. Something volatile. I barely remember getting up, but I do remember tripping over trying to punch her while she walked away. I needed something back. Something for everything. And I took nothing.
“Hey! You fucker-” Before she can swing at me again I ran. I don’t know why I tried. I can’t change anything, I can’t control anything. Not even myself.
I grabbed my glasses off the floor, she might be following me. Heartrate too high to even think of checking.
If it wasn’t embarrassing enough entering class late, running in panting with loose hanging clothes and glasses presenting a colourless mosaic should’ve made me cry. Everyone looks up. And then back down. Except Kris who doesn’t even lift their head.
“Berdly? You’re late and uh- did you run a marathon? Are you okay? Your glasses and beak are uhm…”
“Oh uh- yes, Ms. Alphys! I’ve started to run in the mornings ha! It helps get my brain moving. I just tripped on my way in.” What? No- what? She obviously wasn’t serious about that. Why am I making shit up just tell her-
“Ah Susie, you’re late too?”
I can feel her presence over my shoulder. My body refuses to turn or keep talking, I just walk silently over to my chair and sit down. My glasses are useless now so I just shove them away in my pocket. For the next several minutes I sit struggling to breathe.
By the time the bell rings and everyone leaves for lunch, I’m still stunned. In a final effort to cool off I grip the sides of my desk, body still slightly shaking. I'm imagining cracks forming at the table’s edge from how hard I’m holding on, splinters breaking off and stabbing into my fingers.
I slowly shifted into something resembling standing to go out for recess, when I heard a quiet voice.
“Hey.”
“Oh- Kris? I uh- I thought you left for lunch.”
“Nah, I'm not hungry. You looked like you had a rough morning.”
“Huh- no I’m okay uhh yeah- yeah thanks for asking” I tell them, barely holding what little composure I had left. I nearly fell over heading out of the classroom. God I’m such an ass. Sit there forever and don’t acknowledge they exist, then push them away the second they’re kind.
“Hey!”
My shoulders hitch up at the volume. Kris has their hand on the doorway “Gosh I- I don’t know why I thought you were Susie.” Her name barely escapes my mouth.
“Huh? Uh I was gonna ask if I could play something with you later. You own a computer, right?” Woah. Finally, something for everything. Even more than just something.
Play it cool. “Well! How unexpected of you dear Kris, I would be delighted to fill your afternoon with my glorious presence gaming after school.” What. Play it cool, not play it… that.
“Sure man sounds good.” Damn they’re cool.
The rest of school is miserable. No point in focusing in class, “Oh Berdly, why don’t you try anymore? What happened to my smart boy?” The work got harder. I used to give school all of my effort. But I learnt I can’t give all of myself to something I hate. It’s just wrong and I despise it. Although I know what awaits me at home today, so my foot keeps tapping under my desk, keeping me awake.
When the school day comes to an end, I shoot Kris a smile, they look at me. Really look. It’s unsettling almost, and then they shift out to their parents' car. Unreadable. Classic. The trip back home takes awhile, being forced to relive the bad moments from this morning in reverse.
Until finally, home. My utopia, isolated from the outside world. When I hear that sharp ‘click’ from the door, I know I’m okay.
I leave my jacket and bag left at the door. There's a hallway before my room filled with relatives and ancestors I’ve never seen hung up in frames. Their only proof of existence being trapped up there.
One picture always really catches my eye though, it's the only one I'm in. It shows mom and I smiling. I never remembered smiling in that photo. Hell I hardly remember ever having it taken, but I feel like I'd know the face I gave. There's some weird discoloration across the whole thing too. Mom tells me it's probably just something with the film they used.
Finally at the end of the hall, my room. Quiet, predictable, safe. And my computer. My source of joy, connecting me to the outside world as much as I need. And a new friend request- sometime soon… when Kris has the time. They uh… never actually gave me a time.
I sit super close to my screen just to make out everything. Great, I gotta tell mom I lost my glasses and get them replaced somehow.
Minutes go by, thinking of when they might come online, then thinking of things we can play. I only really have so many games.
Minutes turned into hours. I spent most of that time refreshing my friend requests page. I was too afraid to eat anything because what if I missed their request? What if I miss it and I can't find it? What if it's gone forever? No. I have to wait for them.
“They must have forgotten- or maybe… maybe they just uh… didn't want to be-” and with the sound of a ding, a popup! Yes! Ha! Let's see… lonely single mothers in your area…? Oh.
Okay. That's okay, I'll just uh. I'll play alone. I mean, I like my room to be predictable. I like my gaming to be predictable. I like my life to be predictable. If I really wanted to play with Kris, I might as well just call anyone I play with online Kris! Yeah.
Capture the flag, a true gamers habitat… too bad there's only a dozen other people playing Team Base 2. Mom refuses to get anything new, “Oh honey you already have so many games. Focus on your studies!” Like I can change anything now.
No one's defending flags. No one's even around actually. I jump off the map to enter spectating, and I know why. The only people playing are spinbots. Server swap. Server swap. Server swa- nevermind. I'm playing PVE mode, solo.
A few rounds in and exhaustion strikes. My head and eyelids feel heavy. I might just close them for a second for a quick power nap. Who knows? Kris could still add me, it's only… 3am. Before I can even begin to move to bed, my body fails me and gives out.
If you focus hard enough, you can hear two people talking. The conversation plays on repeat coming from a record player. The words eventually become clearer in time.
“Mom! Mom! Can we play Duopoly together pleaaaase? Or Cruiseships! I don't mind!”
“Hmm? No, sorry honey, mommy's not finished with work yet. I promise I'll play with you after. Why not play them with your stuffed toys again for now?”
“Ughh okay mom… I'll be playing in the living room.” You think you hear a little sniffle.
“Now now dear, don't get your feathers in a twist! Run along! I'll join you soon.” Soon she says.
Predictable.
“Berdly? Berdly?”
Please… five more minutes…
“Wake up honey, school soon!”
Great.
“You must have been playing those games so much last night! All that sweat on your desk. Or I suppose maybe drool from sleeping!” She walks off giggling. My eyes are so sore I don't want to open them.
I can hear her yelling from the hallway. “Anyway I cleaned up the desk for you and moved you to bed earlier. I hope you rested well!”
“Mmmnnn yeah sure whatever mom.”