Chapter Text
"Now, when are you faggots going to go to the bar?!" Comy yelled.
JJ frowned at that. The language in this locker room… At least Hollzy had stopped most of the racist shit. His teammates weren't, like, explicitly racist, but they'd say shit they didn't think about the implications over. And of course, JJ couldn't say anything about the anti-gay shit, because then he'd be the sensitive black guy who couldn't take a joke and got angry at everything, and it was just-
"Dude, you can't be saying that, it's fucking rude!" Berker yelled.
"I'd never say it to someone's face if they were actually gay, would I? That'd be fucked."
"Statistically," Hayden piped up from where he and Hollzy were making weird best friend eye contact, "it's extremely likely there is at least one gay person in this locker room, more likely two."
The locker room exploded.
"Dude, what?!"
"Like, 10% of the population is gay, that's 1 in ten people. There's 22 of us."
"Woah, you're right," Drapey breathed, but Hayden was busy ushering Hollzy out of the room.
"Looks like Hollzy's having a hockey moment, boys!" Steddy announced
JJ chucked his (largely empty) water bottle at him, "leave the guy alone!"
"Not criticizing him, just suggesting maybe we should take it down a notch, for Hollzy's sake."
A group of guys had splintered off, the ones who were the most weird about gay shit, and were whispering amongst one another.
"Oh boy," Couilles whispered to him.
Hayden had come back, sans Hollzy, "Holly's got something with coach, he'll be right back."
"It's okay for him to have a hockey moment, man, no need to cover for him."
"He's not," Hayden crossed his arms, pointing at the guys in the corner, which included Lainer, Kochy, Taytay, and Wils, "what are you fucks talking about?"
"We'll get back to you on that."
"You've got until next practice."
"I think there's a gay guy on the team," Hayden said.
"What?"
"The way Shane reacted when they started saying that shit, like he knew there was someone in that locker room being bothered."
"Ah, shit. We really have to be on this, then."
"And of course, Shane probably can't get a handle on this, because his no racism thing was already bad enough for him."
"I've got a plan, Pikey, don't worry."
"Now what are you thinking?"
"I'm waiting for my answer," Hayden said, arms crossed, glaring at l'équipe homophobe.
"Well, we were thinking," Kochy started, "if there's really a gay guy on the team, and we haven't been bothered by him-"
"Maybe because you are too ugly!" Andy yelled, earning a water bottle to the head.
"Then maybe… it's not so bad to have a gay guy?"
"Why, you had a problem with it?!"
"It's not like that!" Wils jumped in, "we're all okay with them, like, existing, just not near us, y'know?"
"I don't," JJ, spurred on by his teammates' weird support, crossed his arms.
"Anyway, we realized, hey, it's not gonna be too bad, we were worried about nothing."
"You know, I read that's a really harmful stereotype based on how straight men treat women."
The locker room booed over that, Hayden getting pelted with water bottles.
"You know I'm right!"
"Dude," Steddy skated up to him, "if we really have a gay teammate, which, given what you and Pikey have been up to, is likely, they probably don't trust us for shit."
"Yeah," his fellow D, Gagny, piped up, "that's gotta impact play."
"We have got to get our shit together if we want another cup," Steddy continued.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, don't you worry, I have a plan."
"This is why you are the best, JJ."
After practice, JJ smacked his hand against the side of his cubby, grabbing the room's attention.
"Listen up guys, we've likely got someone who's gay on the team," he yelled, "and if we want to win another cup, it's our job to make him feel included!"
"I think it's Berker!"
"I'm not gay, I just grew up in Montréal!"
"I think it's-"
"No speculating on who it is, or you're getting the fine jar," JJ clapped his hands, trying to gain control back, "we're trying to make him feel included and shit, not make it worse!"
"Sorry Boizy."
"So, to make le mystérieux coéquipier gay, feel better, we've gotta, y'know, connect with the culture."
"Connect with the culture?!" Olsson yelled, "What kind of lame shit is that?!"
"We're gonna show him we're okay with him being gay, alright?! And other gay people, too!"
"I'm not downloading Grindr!" Taytay butted in.
"Nobody said anything about downloading Grindr, why is that your first thought?!" Schneids yelled back, "is it because you already have it?!"
"JJ said no speculation on MCG!" A water bottle whipped Schneids in the back, making him yelp. The locker room descended into a mess of water bottles sailing at Schneids and yelling about fines.
"MCG?"
"Le mystérieux coéquipier gay is a mouthful, we gotta shorten it!"
"Gentlemen! Okay! We are being way too loud here! Don't make cap get out the chicken!"
The locker room got even worse at that.
The chicken was a beat-up wad of rubber and dirt that ostensibly used to be a rubber chicken. It predated even Theriault, and Roy was threatening to use the fine jar funds to have it carbon dated. It was disgusting, and everyone hated it, but when the team got too rowdy, the chicken got paraded out to bring order. Kind of like a talking toy in maternelle, but he'd most certainly get the Schneider treatment if he said anything.
Hollzy had tried to implement something new this year, a little stuffed loon that made him giggle for some reason, but the boys wouldn't have it. They'd have the chicken or they'd have nothing.
"You can't bring out the chicken, this isn't even about hockey!"
"Team synergy is all about hockey!" Hayden yelled. He fist-bumped him.
"If you motherfuckers don't shut the fuck up now well really be in it from the front desk, you know how they get when we-"
Hollzy took that as his cue, digging the chicken out of the back of his cubby.
"Holly, no, please, we'll be good, don't do this to us."
Everyone howled, trying to get out their last thoughts before the law of the chicken started to reign.
"CHICKEN OUT!" Hollzy barked, waiting for the room to fall silent, "I propose an amendment to the fine jar rules. Homophobic slurs and speculating on our teammates'sexualities are each worth a 20 in the jar."
A 20?! That was their highest fine. Damn, Cap meant business.
Under chicken rules, everyone was allowed to hit their cubby five times at the end of a statement, usually in agreement.
The team made their five hits. JJ nodded in approval.
"That's all I have to say," he passed the chicken to Hayden. Chicken rules were that the C got the chicken first, then the A, then the one who called for the chicken.
"I've got nothing to say, I'm passing it to JJ, since he called the chicken."
JJ took the chicken reluctantly. He wanted to speak, but not with that thing in his hands, "alright, we've all agreed we're gonna do shit to make our teammate feel more like he's part of the team, but this is something of a democracy."
"Bullshit! Mitty yelled before the bottles came. No one broke chicken rules.
"This is something of a democracy, so, I open the floor to you, gentlemen, for ideas on what we should do."
And then he passed the chicken to Wils.
"I know nothing about gay shit," he passed it to Gagny.
"Am I wrong in thinking there are gay bars? Like ones specifically for gay people?"
The locker room erupted in hits.
Hollzy didn't say anything when Gagny passed on the chicken, since he'd already started with his piece, passing it to Hayden.
Hayden passed it wordlessly to Olsson, who was practically chomping at the bit.
"Mathieu Gagnon you absolute genius," Olsson crowed.
The room roared with approval, chicken rules temporarily forgotten.
Olsson passed the chicken to Nausy, "I think, hommes, it won't be a big ask for you dumb fucks to have an excuse to get drunk, gay men or no."
"AND WOMEN!" Comy yelled, earning him a minor bottling.
Lainer got the chicken next, once the bottling died down, "have you heard about gay bars? Apparently they make that shit strong. You'll be drinking what tastes like a soda, and the next thing you know you're swinging from the ceiling belting out some Lady Gaga."
The boys tapped their approval.
Taytay, Comy and one of their newer trades JJ still hadn't gotten his head around the name of, didn't say anything, passing it wordlessly to Andy.
"I ah-" Andy's Russian accent got worse when he was nervous, "is-"
He stared at Hollzy, panicked, who took the chicken from him in a breach of conduct, earning him some bottles, which he took like a champ.
"Andropov can be involved as much as he is comfortable with," he said, "Even supporting gay people can get you in trouble in Russia."
"Oh shit."
"Yeah, sorry Andy."
Hollzy handed the chicken back to Andy, nodding.
"I want to be involved, but not in public. I cannot in public."
"You'll be there in spirit!" Berker yelled, and his statement was approved so much he only got one bottle from Hayden.
Andy practically threw the chicken at Kochy. "We'll drink for you, bro, don't worry about it."
The rest of the circle went around with little fanfare, most of the guys not saying anything, or saying how much they'd like to try 'strong gay drinks'.
Mitty made an interesting point, after Couilles passed the chicken to him.
"You know, with all of us in the bar together, mysterious gay teammate can look out men without looking gay. We cannot all be gay, yeah?"
Mitty was a smart guy, especially for someone who got pucks flung at his face professionally.
The rest of them passed without issue, the chicken making it back to Holly eventually, who passed it to Hayden.
"You've taken the job here, JJ, you run this."
"You honour me, Pikey. We will now vote. Who is in favour of going to a gay bar?!"
Resounding ayes went around.
"Who votes against?"
Predictably, Hollzy, Andy, Kochy and Drapey raised their hands.
"They're boring, of course they'll say no, Andy excepted. When are we all free to get fucked up?"
Their first outing was a resounding failure.
"Every woman in that bar, unless otherwise stated, does not swing our way! And you!" He pointed to a smashed Comy, "Is that how you treat women normally?!"
Comy looked embarrassed to be put on the spot, "I should probably say non."
"Would that be a lie?"
"...Oui."
"You misogynistic- not cool, not cool!"
The rest of the boys joined in on chanting not cool.
Kochy raised a finger, "I don't know why it's a problem, I mean-"
"You don't-" he held his hand out, "Gagny!"
Gagny's head popped up from where he was holding Berker's flow back while he puked in a trash can.
"Phone me!"
"You gave me your phone for a reason, Boizy."
"I need to call Piker!"
"As long as you don't go for your car," Gagny handed him his phone.
"You guys are lucky I'm not calling Hollzy," he poked around his phone for Hayden's contact. Those drinks were strong, and he was struggling to hit the buttons on his phone, with how much the world was spinning.
He got it eventually, putting him on speaker while the phone rang.
"Piker, you're on speaker, homme."
"You had better make this quick, I just got Arthur down."
"Some of these assholes don't understand how best to treat the ladies, and got us kicked out of the bar!"
"Guys, come on, you're better than this."
The boys looked shamefaced as Hayden gave them the quietest dressing-down of their lives.
"I hear about you guys doing this shit again, and I'm telling Holly."
"Please don't tell Holly," Taytay begged, "I promise it won't happen again, but please don't tell Holly."
"Make sure it doesn't happen again. At any bar. Gay or not."
Hollzy looked positively gleeful at their faces the next morning. Granted, for Hollzy, that was a slight quirk of an eyebrow and a bit of a shoulder wiggle.
"Yes, yes, captaine, laugh at us."
"I didn't say anything!" He raised his hands.
"You were thinking it."
"If someone pukes on the ice, you're personally cleaning it up! Let's get it started!"
"Alright boys," JJ brought the Metros outside the bar in for a huddle like they were playing American football, "we need to talk."
"Is this about last time?"
"It's about last time," Hayden said, crossing his arms.
"We are going to go in there, we are going to get hammered, and we are not going to do anything to the women. Every woman is a lesbian until you are explicitly told otherwise. Comy, no talking about lesbian porn."
"I said I was sorry!"
"If I hear about any of you treating anyone here with anything less than respect, I am going to throw my drink at you, and then me and Gagny are going to haul you out ourselves, are we clear?"
The boys nodded.
"Alright, break!"
JJ was getting flirted with, a lot.
"This is very flattering," he told Gagny in French, "I'm straight as an arrow, as they say in English, but any attention is flattering, especially when they're so polite about it. I should be taking notes."
"Poor Piker, they keep thinking he's gay. I've never seen him so flustered in his life."
"He has the look, doesn't he?"
"That is stereotype and you know it!" Hayden howled back in French. His French wasn't that good, but he had a special ear for when someone was insulting him.
"I think he protests too much," Gagny whispered, making JJ giggle.
"That's leaning into speculation territory, you can get fined for that," he pulled out his phone, "I'm definitely telling Andy about this."
He took a video of the aftermath of yet another guy approaching Hayden, intending to send it to Andy, who wanted to live vicariously through them.
A thought struck him, a stupid, drunk, but utterly hilarious thought.
He switched to English, "Hey, Piker! Does le captaine have a snapchat?"
"He never uses it, but yeah, do you want it?"
"Yes please," he made grabby hands at Hayden's phone.
"Ugh, okay, fine, fine," Hayden slid it across the table.
JJ whooped in triumph, inputting Hayden's password. It was Jackie's birthday, easy.
He went over to snapchat.
"Boizy," Gagny whispered, switching back to French, "what are you doing?"
"Sending the Piker photos to Jackie."
"JJ, I don't know if it's a good plan to be sending a woman photos of her husband being-"
"Jackie's gonna find it hilarious, I just know it.