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The sun was shining over Konohagakure. Birds were singing. The village was peaceful.
And Uchiha Obito, elite jonin and Hero of the Sharigan (self-proclaimed), was currently vibrating with rage over a hypothetical scenario that hadn't even happened.
"If he were here," Obito ranted, waving a dango stick violently, "he wouldn't just let us feed the ducks. Oh no. He’d stand there, arms crossed, looking down his nose—even though he’s shorter than me now, ha!—and he’d say something like, 'Maa, Obito, bread has no nutritional value for ducks. You’re essentially feeding them empty carbohydrates. A true shinobi considers the gut health of the local wildlife.'"
Nohara Rin walked beside him, smiling pleasantly as she tossed a small piece of bread to a mallard. The duck quacked happily.
"He would," Rin agreed, her voice light. "He’d probably somehow mention the algae content of the pond, too."
"Exactly!" Obito shouted, startling a pigeon. "He’s so... pedantic! He sucks the joy out of everything! I became a jonin to get respect, Rin! Respect! And yet, every time I see that silver hair, I just know he’s judging my sandal straps or the angle of my headband!"
They stopped at the edge of the park. The water rippled gently.
Obito aggressively bit a dango ball off his stick. "It’s infuriating. It’s like he lives in my head, Rin. I wake up, and I think, 'I bet Kakashi is already awake and being annoying.' I go to sleep, and I think, 'I hope Kakashi stubbed his toe today.' It’s constant!"
Rin paused. She stopped throwing bread. Slowly, she turned to look at her teammate, her brown eyes narrowing with a sudden, clinical curiosity.
"Obito," Rin said carefully. "You think about him... constantly?"
"Yes! Because he’s my rival! He’s the bane of my existence!"
"And you get flushed when you talk about him," Rin noted, pointing to Obito’s cheeks.
"That’s rage!" Obito sputtered. "Pure, unfiltered rage!"
Rin hummed. It was a thoughtful, dangerous sound.
"Obito... are you sure you don't have a crush on him?"
The silence that followed was absolute. The ducks stopped quacking. The wind stopped blowing.
Obito stared at Rin. His brain processed the sentence. He replayed it and meticulously dissected every word.
And then, his stomach did a backflip.
"BLEUUUGH."
Obito dove into the nearest bush and began to violently dry heave.
"Oh my god," Obito wheezed, clutching a branch. "Rin! RIN! How could you say that?! That is disgusting! That is a violation of my human rights! Me? And Bakakashi? I would rather lick the floor of the T&I department! I would rather eat a bug! A poisonous bug!"
Rin crouched down next to the bush, patting his back sympathetically but looking entirely unconvinced.
"I don't know, Obito," she mused. "The line between love and hate is very thin. You talk about him all the time. You notice when he gets a haircut. You know his favorite dog treat brand."
"Know thine enemy!" Obito shrieked, emerging from the bush with leaves in his hair. "It’s strategic intel! I am not pining! I am plotting his demise!"
"Hmph." Rin stood up, crossing her arms. "As a medical-nin, I cannot leave this diagnosis ambiguous. We need empirical data."
Obito wiped his mouth. "Data?"
"We are going to run tests," Rin declared, her eyes shining with a terrifying determination. "We are going to prove, once and for all, whether this is a rivalry... or a repression of deep-seated romantic affection."
Obito turned to run. He made it three steps before Rin grabbed his flak jacket.
"For science, Obito!"
"NOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY FOR KAKASHI! ANYONE BUT KAKASHI!"
——————
Phase 1: Recruitment
"Absolutely not," Umino Iruka said, not looking up from his paperwork.
Rin and Obito stood in front of his desk in the Mission Assignment Room. Obito looked traumatized. Rin looked professional.
"Hear us out, Iruka-san," Rin pleaded. "We need a control variable. Someone who knows Kakashi but doesn't have a... complex history with him. Someone who can neutralize his inherently difficult nature."
Iruka sighed, finally putting his pen down. He looked at the duo. "You want me to help you determine if Obito is in love with Kakashi."
"I AM NOT!" Obito yelled at the ceiling.
"Hypothetically," Rin corrected. "And think about it, Iruka-san. If he does have a crush, and we get them together... Kakashi might actually become... pleasant."
Iruka paused.
He thought about Kakashi. He thought about the stalking. He thought about the unannounced visits to his apartment. He thought about the sheer amount of paperwork Kakashi generated, and the sheer amount of it he didn’t do.
If Kakashi had a boyfriend... maybe he would be too busy making out to terrorize the village administration, and by extension, Iruka himself.
"I'm listening," Iruka said.
"Great!" Rin clapped her hands. "Here’s the plan: we need to subject Obito to a series of stimuli involving Kakashi and measure his physiological and emotional responses. I have three tests prepared."
"I hate this," Obito whimpered. "I want to go home and polish my goggles."
"Hush, test subject," Rin patted his arm.
——————
Test A: The Physical Confrontation
They tracked Kakashi down to Training Ground 7.
The ninja was leaning against a tree, reading his orange book, looking perfectly calm and infuriatingly cool.
"Okay," Rin whispered from the bushes. "Test A. Physical proximity and adrenaline. Obito, go challenge him. I'll monitor your pupil dilation."
"Fine," Obito grumbled. He took a deep breath. He channeled his inner cool guy.
He burst out of the bushes, decidedly uncool.
"KAKASHI!" Obito roared, pointing a finger at him. "FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW! NO NINJUTSU! JUST FISTS!"
Kakashi didn't even look up from his book. "Maa, Obito. You're loud today. Did you forget to take your meds?"
"I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!"
Obito charged.
To his credit, Obito was an elite jonin. He was fast. He was strong. But Kakashi was... Kakashi.
Kakashi simply sidestepped, tripped Obito with a lazy sweep of his leg, and tapped him on the forehead.
Obito went tumbling into the dirt.
"Too slow," Kakashi droned. "Your center of gravity is off. Have you been skipping leg day?"
Obito scrambled up, his face red. "I DO NOT SKIP LEG DAY! I HAVE GREAT LEGS! ASK ANYONE!"
"I'll take your word for it," Kakashi sighed, turning a page. "Are we done? I was getting to the good part."
Obito stood there, panting and covered in dust.
Rin and Iruka watched from the bushes.
"Well?" Iruka asked.
"His pupils are dilated," Rin noted, scribbling on a clipboard. "But his chakra is spiking in a pattern consistent with... extreme homicidal intent?"
Obito stomped back to the bushes. "I hate him. I hate his face. I hate his hair. I want to shave him bald."
"No romantic flutter?" Iruka asked.
"Only the flutter of rage," Obito spat.
"Inconclusive," Rin marked the paper. "Rage and passion are two sides of the same coin. We’re moving onto the next test."
——————
Test B: The Interview
Kakashi was sitting on a bench, drinking water from a canteen (turning away so no one saw his face, obviously).
"Iruka," Rin whispered. "You're up. You have the social skills. Go pry."
Iruka adjusted his headband. "Right. Subtle interrogation. I can do that."
Iruka walked out of the tree line, putting on his best 'friendly coworker' smile.
"Yo, Kakashi-san!"
Kakashi turned, and his visible eye immediately crinkled into a smile. "Iruka-sensei. To what do I owe the pleasure? Did I forget to sign a report?"
"No, no," Iruka waved his hand, sitting next to him on the bench. "Just... taking a break. You know how it is. So..."
Iruka leaned back, trying to look casual.
"I was wondering," Iruka started, "you're getting older, Kakashi. Have you ever... thought about settling down? Maybe found someone you're interested in?"
Kakashi choked on his water. He coughed, hacking loudly, and wiped his mask. A distinct, bright red blush crept up his neck and settled on the tips of his ears.
"I..." Kakashi stammered, looking everywhere except at Iruka. "I mean. Well. There is... perhaps. A person. Someone... reliable. Someone who yells at me but in a caring way."
In the bushes, Rin gasped. "He has a crush! Obito, look! He's flustered!"
Obito squinted. "He looks constipated."
Iruka blinked, surprised by the reaction. "That's great, Kakashi! So, hypothetically... what do you think about Obito?"
The effect was instantaneous.
The blush vanished. The sparkle in Kakashi’s eye died. His face went flat.
"Obito?" Kakashi deadpanned.
"Yeah. Obito. Do you think... maybe... you and him?"
Kakashi looked at Iruka like he had just suggested Kakashi date a radioactive dumpster fire.
"Obito is... a child," Kakashi said flatly. "He is loud. He leaves crumbs everywhere. He cries when movies get sad. If I dated Obito, I would likely commit a crime within a week. Why? Did he ask?"
"No! Just curious!" Iruka laughed nervously.
Kakashi narrowed his eye. "I prefer... simpler people. People who like tea. And grading papers."
Iruka stood up. "Right! Well, good talk!"
Iruka sprinted back to the bushes.
"Okay," Iruka panted. "He definitely has a crush. But he reacted to Obito’s name like I offered him a poisoned apple."
"He's playing hard to get," Rin decided, nodding sagely. "He's hiding his true feelings behind a wall of indifference."
"Or he just hates me!" Obito cheered. "See? He called me a child! I am vindicated!"
"Not yet," Rin grabbed his arm. "Test C. Forced Proximity."
——————
Test C: The Date Crash
Kakashi was eating lunch at a small soba stand and enjoying the peace.
Suddenly, three people slid onto the chairs beside him.
"Hey, buddy!" Obito yelled, slamming his hip into Kakashi’s side as he settled onto the seat.
Kakashi looked at Obito, then at Rin and Iruka who were sitting a few chairs from them, holding notepads.
"What is happening?" Kakashi asked.
"Just a friendly lunch!" Rin beamed. "Obito, aren't you going to share your toppings with Kakashi?"
Obito looked at his tempura shrimp. He looked at Kakashi, instinctively bristling. Then he looked at Rin’s terrifying smile, and decided that he did not want to die.
"Here," Obito gritted out, shoving a shrimp into Kakashi’s bowl. "Eat the shrimp, Bakakashi."
Kakashi stared at the shrimp. "I didn't order shrimp."
"Eat it!"
"No." Kakashi picked up the shrimp with his chopsticks and dropped it back into Obito’s bowl. "It's greasy. Like you."
"OH, THAT'S IT!" Obito lunged for Kakashi’s neck.
"Obito!" Rin hissed. "Seduction! Not violence!"
Obito froze. He took a deep breath and turned to Kakashi, batting his eyelashes aggressively.
"Kakashi," Obito said in a voice that sounded like a strangled cat. "Your... mask. Is very... black. Today."
Kakashi slowly moved his stool three inches to the left.
"Is he having a stroke?" Kakashi asked Rin. "Is he dying? Should I help you get him to the hospital?"
"He's complimenting you," Iruka said, writing 'Subject is socially incompetent' on his notepad.
"I don't like it," Kakashi muttered. "He's looking at me like he wants to steal my kidneys."
"I DON'T WANT YOUR KIDNEYS!" Obito yelled. "I WANT TO KNOW IF I LOVE YOU!"
Silence.
The entire restaurant turned to look. Even the chef stopped cooking.
Obito turned pale. "Wait. No. That came out wrong. I meant—I want to know if I don't love you! Rin is making me check!"
Kakashi stared at Obito. Slowly, deliberately, he pulled out his Icha Icha book and held it up as a barrier between their faces.
"I am ignoring this," Kakashi declared from behind the book. "I am eating my soba, and I am pretending I do not know any of you people."
Rin sighed. "This data is corrupted. We need another test."
——————
Test D: The Switch
They dragged the situation to the forest. Kakashi had stopped there to let his ninken run around for a bit.
"Okay," Rin briefed the team. "This is it. The ultimate test of subconscious desire."
"How does it work?" Obito asked, rubbing his temples.
"Iruka goes in," Rin explained. "He gets close, lowers Kakashi’s guard, and creates an intimate atmosphere. And then Obito jumps in! If Kakashi is disappointed, you don't love him. If Kakashi is happy, you do."
"That makes no sense," Obito argued.
"It's science!" Rin hissed. "Go, Iruka!"
Iruka adjusted his vest. "I feel like we’re just harassing him at this point."
"It's for the greater good," Rin assured him.
Iruka walked into the clearing. Kakashi was scratching Pakkun’s ears.
"Kakashi-san," Iruka said softly.
Kakashi looked up. He saw Iruka standing there, backlit by the afternoon sun. The wind blew through the trees. It was a perfect, romantic scene.
"Iruka," Kakashi said, his voice dropping an octave. He stood up, abandoning his dog, and stepped closer. "You followed me?"
"I... yes," Iruka stepped closer. "I just... I wanted to see you."
Kakashi’s eye widened. A genuine, soft look entered his gaze. He took another step. They were inches apart.
"I see," Kakashi breathed. "I'm glad you're here. I was actually hoping to ask you—"
Rustle.
"NOW!" Rin yelled from the trees.
Iruka dove to the right.
Obito dove in from the left, landing exactly where Iruka had been standing.
Kakashi blinked.
One second, he was looking at Iruka, the kind-hearted teacher he had been secretly pining over for three years.
The next second, he was nose-to-nose with Obito, who was grinning maniacally and sweating profusely.
"HI KAKASHI!" Obito yelled.
Kakashi froze.
His eye went dead. His shoulders slumped. The romantic atmosphere had just been shattered like glass.
"Oh," Kakashi said. His voice was so flat it was practically two-dimensional. "It's... you."
"Yeah!" Obito got right in his face. "How does this make you feel?! Are you excited?! Is your heart racing?!"
Kakashi looked at Obito, then at the treeline where Iruka had disappeared to. He looked back at Obito.
"Pakkun," Kakashi said.
"Yo," the pug replied.
"Bite him."
"On it."
Pakkun latched onto Obito’s ankle.
"OW! HEY! GET OFF!" Obito hopped around, trying to shake the dog off.
Kakashi sighed in profound disappointment. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked away.
"I'm going home. Do not follow me. I am going to take a very long, very hot shower to wash the Uchiha off my soul."
——————
Rin, Obito, and Iruka regrouped at the dango shop as the sun set.
"Well," Rin tapped her clipboard. "The results are definitive."
"I don't love him!" Obito cheered, raising his arms in victory. "Did you see his face? He looked like he stepped in wet trash! He hates me! And I hate him! We are perfectly, platonically mortal enemies!"
"Yes," Rin agreed. "There was zero romantic tension. In fact, I believe his libido actively went into hibernation the moment he saw you."
"Victory!" Obito high-fived himself. "I’m safe! No awkward confessions! Just pure, unadulterated rivalry!"
Obito happily shoved three sticks of dango into his mouth.
Iruka, however, was sitting with his head on the table. He was groaning into the wood.
"Iruka-san?" Rin asked gently. "Are you okay?"
Iruka lifted his head, looking very tired.
"Did you... did you see how he looked at me?" Iruka whispered. "Before the switch?"
"Yeah," Obito chewed loudly. "He looked all soft and weird. Probably a Genjutsu."
"And did you see how disappointed he was when I left?" Iruka continued, ignoring Obito.
Rin paused. She reviewed her notes.
Subject: Kakashi
Reaction to Iruka: Blushing, soft voice, dilated pupils
Reaction to Obito: Depression
Rin’s eyes widened. "Oh."
"Oh," Iruka agreed miserably.
"Oh what?" Obito asked obliviously.
"Iruka," Rin said, patting his shoulder with actual pity. "Obito is safe. But you..."
"I know," Iruka whimpered. "He likes me."
"Wait, really?" Obito blinked. "Kakashi likes you? The man who reads porn in public?"
"Yes," Iruka buried his face in his hands again. "And now I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the stalking. And the weird comments. And his ninken breaking into my classroom."
"Good luck, buddy!" Obito laughed, slapping Iruka on the back. "Better you than me! Hahaha! I'm free!"
Iruka stared at the setting sun.
"I should have ran when I had the chance," Iruka muttered.
Somewhere in the village, Kakashi sneezed, looked at a picture of Iruka he had secretly taped into his Icha Icha book, and sighed.
"Tomorrow," Kakashi whispered to himself. "Tomorrow I'll ask him out. Unless Obito ruins it again. Then I'll Chidori him."