Work Text:
Private Chat
Shane: I’m home, are you here?
Ilya: I popped out to get us some lunch.
Shane: 🩵
Ilya: And I found a Shane Hollander approved chocolate cake.
Shane: Approved how? I didn’t bake it.
Ilya: Flourless, made with eggs, little sugar, and dark chocolate.
Ilya: Is okay?
Ilya: I got raspberries to eat with it for added fiber.
Shane: Ilya, that’s so thoughtful, I can’t wait to try it.
Ilya: 😇😘
Ilya: Did you sign?
Shane: Yes, Wiebe, said he would call Bood, in two hours, only to confirm the signing.
Ilya: He’ll be getting everything ready for the barbeque tonight.
Shane: Also I don’t want to come out to the team tonight.
Ilya: Oh.
Shane: Shit, I hit send too quickly, I don’t want to do it with everyone’s eyes on me. It’ll be too much, do you remember your idea?
Ilya: Which one? I have so many.
Shane: About dropping me into the group chat.
Ilya: 😱
Ilya: Really?
Ilya: That is not very Shane Hollander of you.
Shane: We lay it all bare, and if I get overwhelmed I can mute my notifications.
Ilya: It might take some convincing.
Shane: Yeah, but it’ll be fun.
Ilya: 😈
Centaurs Group Chat: Half Horsing Around.
Ilya: Gather round!
Wyatt: Is it story time?
Ilya: The ink on the new guy’s contract is drying as we speak.
Bood: Oh Shit, we got a new centaur?
Troy: They any good at Hockey?
Ilya: Passable.
Young: Exciting.
Luca: Are they younger than me?
Ilya: Nope.
Dykstra: You’ll always be our baby, Luca.
Luca: No.
Chouinard: So who is it?
Wyatt: Gotta be Donaldson.
Bood: I like Michaels.
Ilya: Wrong.
Ilya: Can I get a countdown?
Dillon: 54321.
Ilya: That had no majesty!
LaPointe: 5…4…3…2…1
Ilya: Thank you!
Ilya added Shane Hollander to the group.
Ilya: Introducing The Shane Hollander.
Troy: Haha nice one Ilya.
Young: Not funny dude.
Luca: If this was true my younger self would explode.
Shane Hollander: Hi guys, really excited to be here, and to be a Centaur.
Shane Hollander: @ilya Passable? Fuck you!
Ilya: 😉
Bood: Roz, you can’t force the newbies to play along with your pranks.
Wyatt: Welcome to the team, so what’s your actual name?
Shane Hollander: He didn’t, it’s really me, Shane.
Dykstra: Prove it!
Ilya: This will be fun.
Young: There’s no way the other teams would be stupid enough to let Roz and Holzy on the same team.
Bood, Wyatt, and Troy emphasized this message.
LaPointe: Besides, don't you love Montreal?
Ilya: We’ll get to them.
Boyle: Whoa, did anyone else feel that tone through their phone?
Bood: Yes.
Shane Hollander: Anything I say you’ll think Roz told me, you know me the rookie.
Ilya: Fuck this is hot!
Bood: Cap, that’s really inappropriate.
Troy: Tell us things only Shane Hollander would know, shouldn’t be hard for the guy with the highest hockey IQ.
Wyatt: Haha, nice one Troy!
Private chat between Ilya and Shane
Shane: They think I’m some rookie fresh on the ice!
Ilya: So prove you're not!
Shane: Okay.
Ilya: But first.
Ilya: I’m coming upstairs to hug you.
Shane: 🥰
Shane: It won’t be contained to just hugging.
Ilya: True, I’ve never fucked a Centaur before.
Shane: Ew.
Shane: I’ll implement a sex ban.
Ilya: Come on now, no need to punish yourself.
Shane: 😡
Centaurs Group Chat: Half Horsing Around.
One Hour Later.
Troy: Did I scare him off?
LaPointe: So mean, Barrett.
Wyatt: I blame @Ilya
Ilya: I don’t 😉
Bood: We don’t prank the newbies.
Ilya: I didn’t prank anyone!
Ilya: Slander on my name!
Shane Hollander: So this is what I know, I, Shane Hollander, two time Stanley Cup winner.
Wyatt: He’s back.
Ilya: Bragging is very unbecoming.
Shane Hollander: Well you would know.
Troy: 💀whoever this kid is he’s got jokes.
Ilya: What else are you, Shane?
Shane Hollander: One thing at a time! Jesus!
Ilya: That’s not what you said last night.
Troy: I don’t understand what is happening.
Bood: None of us do!
Bood: Wiebe is calling me, I’ll be back.
Wyatt: Sure thing, Schwarzenegger.
Young: Not to jinx it but is it possible Montreal made the biggest fumble in their whole history?
Ilya: The biggest!
Dillon: And it’s been kept under wraps? That sounds implausible.
Wyatt, Troy, and Dykstra emphasized this message.
Shane Hollander: Well Yuna Hollander can be really persuasive.
Ilya: Like fierce Mama bear.
Shane Hollander liked this message.
Shane Hollander: Wyatt whenever I’m coming your way with the puck you say Excelsior.
Shane Hollander: Dykstra, your gap control is pretty poor, and please stop singing Dolly Parton on the ice!
Holmberg: 💀
Dykstra: Hey, I only do that with Montr… Holy shit!
Shane Hollander: With your aim Chouinard, you should take more shots on goal. The other team won’t expect it.
Shane Hollander: To the rookies, you're not hitting 90 degrees when trying to stop, and I can make you all faster. Not you Luca.
Luca: Oh my God!
Ilya: Playing favourites already, I see.
Shane Hollander: 😉
Chouinard: Guys, I kinda think this is real!
Shane Hollander: I am no longer a Metro, I am a Centaur.
Bood: Um guys, Wiebe just confirmed everything. Shane Hollander was signed this morning.
Ilya: And none of you believed me. Shame!
Wyatt: OMG! I was rude to The Shane Fucking Hollander!
Ilya: Hollander has the whole off season to think of a suitable punishment!
Shane Hollander: He’s joking.
Chouinard: What! Seriously?
Bood: Someone should check on Luca.
LaPointe: I’ll go. I'm the closest. 🚘
Bood liked this message.
Bood: I need to sit down.
Wyatt: You and me both buddy.
Troy: I was sitting on the couch but had to move to the floor, it’s firmer.
Dillon: We’re going to win the Cup!
Holmberg: Don’t jinx it!
Everyone liked this message.
Dillon: Oops, Sorry.
Luca: 🤯🤯🤯
Harris: I take one day off! Go have fun, Harris, it’ll be quiet, Harris. Wiebe is a fucking liar.
Shane Hollander: That was me.
Shane Hollander: It was strictly who needed to be there, legally. My anxiety had been really bad since the fallout with Montreal.
Harris: I’m sorry to hear that, Shane.
Shane Hollander: I wanted to do it this way before the team met tonight. There’ll be a lot of speculation and media frenzy over the next few days.
Wyatt: Feel free to ignore this but what happened with Montreal?
Ilya: Fuck Montreal!
Shane Hollander: It’s been an open secret that I’ve been hooking up on and off with a girl called Lily, recently the questions about her got more intense and they stole my phone to read our messages.
Bood: Grown men did this?
Shane Hollander: Yes.
Troy: Wait, how did that cause such an upset that you left, well beyond the invasion on privacy.
Shane Hollander: Because Lily isn’t a woman, I’m gay.
Harris: Holy Shit! They lost their minds over that?
Shane Hollander: It was like I betrayed them by not coming out.
Troy: Not coming out as gay in professional ice hockey, they’re fucking dumb.
Ilya: They are homophobic assholes.
Dykstra: Shit!
Holmberg: Fucking dicks.
Shane Hollander: There’s more, but this is something Montreal doesn't know.
Ilya: 📣I am bisexual.
Wyatt: Wow, anyone else?
Harris: Holy shit!
Troy: Oh My God!
Luca: @ilya Hello Lily, this is so cute.
Wyatt: Huh?
Dykstra: Say what?
Bood: Shit, really?
Shane Hollander: Yes, I’m in a relationship with Ilya.
Chouinard: 🤯🤯🤯
Dillon: Fuck off!
Ilya: It’s true, we’re engaged!
LaPointe: Roz has a fiance? And it’s The Shane Hollander!?!
Shane Hollander: You guys can really stop with the article.
Young: We really can’t!
Ilya liked this message.
Dykstra: Roz how the fuck did you pull The Shane Hollander?
Ilya: It’s easy, I romanced him with photoshoot and gave him a show in the showers
Luca: The CCM photoshoot from 2010?
LaPointe: Luca you’re such a fan!
Luca: They made me want to be as good as them.
Ilya: All you rookies should be fanboy like Luca.
Wyatt: 2010???
Ilya: I saw his freckles in 2008 and that was it, we first kissed in 2010, and became official in 2017.
Harris: Wow! You must really be in love.
Ilya: Yes, it’s purest love, Shane is my everything.
Shane Hollander: I fucking love you so much, Ilya, I like being able to be so open too.
Ilya: Moya Solnyshko.
Harris: ❤️😭❤️
Holmberg: I’m tearing up over here.
Everyone emphasized this message.
Young: So your relationship predates the rivalry?
Shane Hollander: The NHL just went with it because of where we got drafted.
Shane Hollander: We always played to win against each other.
Ilya: It made for great foreplay.
Bood: Jesus.
Harris: Shane, are you worried people will think otherwise?
Ilya: He is.
Chouinard: Well you can shut that shit down.
Shane Hollander: Don’t say it.
Chouinard: You’re The Shane Hollander.
Young: He would never!
Boyle: Throw a game, The Shane Hollander, have Montreal even met you?
Luca: Yeah, you never went easy on us!
Shane Hollander: Thanks guys, I know Montreal would have thought differently, after being outed I spent the rest of the season waiting for them to figure it out I was with Ilya. It was like this one thing turned me into a stranger overnight, it made the decision to leave easier.
Ilya: My womanizer past really helped us there, I think.
Shane Hollander: 💀
Shane Hollander: Yeah, bisexuality is too hard a concept for most of them.
Everyone laughed at this message.
Bood: You guys can be open with the Centaurs, I can’t even imagine how difficult this has been. And we won’t tell anyone until you say we can, are you guys going public?
Ilya: Shane?
Shane Hollander: Yes, we’re getting married during the summer and we’re putting up joint statements after.
Ilya: You're sure?
Shane: Yes, I want everyone to know.
Dykstra: Say, are we invited to this wedding?
Shane: Yes
Ilya: Yes
Wyatt: Holy shit guys, The Shane Hollander is the cause of all those scratches to Roz’s back!
Ilya: 😉
Ilya changed Shane Hollander’s name to Shane.