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Shane had been surprised at how his small half-truth had changed things. Telling Hayden he and Ilya were friends had relaxed him, made it easier to be around Hayden without feeling like he was too close to a landmine, even though realistically he was probably closer than he ever had been. It was initially selfish, maybe impulsive, prompted by a weird accident when Hayden found the Rozanov sweatshirt. Ever since then, however, Shane censored himself less, opened up more. Not about Ilya, of course, but about other things.
This loosening up was what led them both to sitting at an outdoor brewery, with Golden Boy Shane Hollander sipping a beer at 3pm on a Tuesday.
Hayden is going on and on about another one of Jackie's friends who had been dropping hints to set him up with the Shane Hollander, how she was hot and athletic and good with kids. He is used to this, having been hearing some variation of the same spiel for years now. They are sitting shoulder to shoulder at a high top counter, and Shane is pretending to be distracted by one of the T.V.s playing some American football game. Picks absentmindedly at the bottle’s adhesive label starting to peel up at the edges from the condensation. Nods his head, hums apathetically at every bullet point he’s given as to why this girl might be The One. He’s tired of it, tired of deflecting, tired of pretending like what Hayden is trying to do makes any sense at all.
He’s never been so sure of anything as he is with his commitment to Ilya. To him and Ilya, to their relationship, their future. Their future that, before this past summer, didn’t seem to exist at all. He’s incapable of even imagining another possibility anymore.
And he doesn't know why he does it. But,
"I'm dating Ilya."
Silence.
It surprises even Shane, the way he just– says it. The way it wasn't even hard. The silence lingers for a while, he doesn't know how long. It might as well have been hours.
"What?"
Hayden breaks the silence, voice small. Shane is hit by the weight of it. Not his confession, that easy release of truth, but the reality of what he was asking of his friend. Asking Hayden to really see him, to understand.
"We're dating. I'm gay."
"Oh."
Shane hears it, the emotion caught in Hayden's throat. It's different than when he told him he and Ilya were friends. That was surprise, indignation. This is something different.
“Um, how long-” His brow furrows. “How long has this been going on?”
“A long time.”
“Oh.” Hayden doesn’t press further.
Shane feels a sting behind his eyes, his throat tightens, and he is afraid to speak, but he does.
"I'm sorry."
"No! Oh my god, Shane. No, don't apologize. I- I'm just-"
"I know."
They let it sit for a little. Silence, tension. Guilt settles in his stomach. He wants to tell Hayden everything, to bring him back to the first day he met Ilya. Then the draft, the first night they kissed, the texting between games and over the summer, the sneaking around, the Tampa All-Stars game, the invitation to the cottage, the cottage. But throughout all this time, there Hayden was too, in the background, completely unknowing. The two timelines, his friendship with Hayden and his relationship with Ilya, always parallel, only ever merging on the ice. Finally, years later, the two threads connecting ever so slightly over dinner. Shane realizes with an ache in his chest that that single night might not be strong enough to hold the weight of it all. He doesn’t regret his choice to hide it all from Hayden, but he does regret that he had to. He thinks about how different it could have been if he could have told Hayden from the beginning, and then it becomes too difficult to think about, so he stops.
“Is it serious?”
Shane nods his head, slowly at first and then faster.
“Yeah. Yeah, I– I love him.”
“Wow.” Silence. “And Ro- Ilya, he loves you, too?”
Shane smiles, softly.
“Yeah.”
It’s barely a whisper, sounding more like an exhale. Feeling more like an exhale.
It’s out there now. No taking it back. Shane stares at the ground, runs his hands through his hair. Takes another deep breath and prepares for whatever comes next.
Then Hayden starts to laugh.
Shane turns to him, wide-eyed, strangely offended, though a little amused. "What!"
"That makes so much more sense!"
Shane scoffs. "What do you mean!"
"You and Ilya Rozanov, 'friends’? Please! I can't believe I didn't see right through that!"
Now Shane is laughing, relieved at Hayden's playful tone, tears still threatening to spill over.
"What's so hard to believe about that?"
"Shane, you have his name on a sweatshirt! Nobody has their rival-turned-friend’s name on a sweatshirt unless they're fucking!"
"Hayd! What?" A blush is creeping up his neck, but he's smiling shyly, wondering how he ever thought this conversation with Hayden was going to go any differently.
"Come on, there’s even only one Hollander jersey in my house, and it's only because Emma begged for it. And we all love you!”
"Hm, that's my girl," Shane nods, laughing.
They sit like that for a little while, giggling, catching their breath, then meeting each other's eyes again only to fall into another fit of laughter. Shane knows it's mostly a reaction to the ridiculousness, the intensity of the situation, but he doesn't care. He thought this was going to go a lot worse, and he's just happy Hayden is still here, next to him.
"Now for the record,” Hayden goes on, taking a sip of his drink. “I do think this is crazy. Rozanov, Shane, really? I mean, the gay thing? Cool with it. I just- I don't know. Rozanov?"
"Hayden," Shane pleads, scowling, drawing out his friend's name. "I was really trying to ease you into it, you know he's not all bad."
"Jackie likes him. So that's something. Shit, she's gonna be so excited to hear this. Do you want to tell her or can I?"
"You go ahead and tell her, this was hard enough," he waves his hand dismissively, leans forward and rests his elbows on the table, head down, fingers returning to pick at the label on the bottle. It was too honest to say, when this conversation seemed so easy on the surface, but Hayden understood.
Shane feels his friend's hand on his back, hesitant at first, and the tears that had been gathering finally start to escape his eyes.
"I just wish you told me earlier. That's it. I just wish you felt like you could tell me."
Shane nods his head, understanding. Wipes his eyes roughly with the palm of his hand.
"Well, the gay thing. I understand you didn't want to tell me about the Rozanov thing."
Shane exhales a laugh. "Yeah."
"But I'm not mad." Hayden doesn't seem convinced that Shane believes him, and maybe Shane is having a hard time processing it all, too. "Okay? I'm not mad."
"Okay." Shane doesn't make eye contact, worried he might start crying again.
“Fuck, I’m gonna have to invite him over for dinner again.”
“Hayden, please,” Shane groans.
“No, no, I do! I didn’t know I was having my best friend’s boyfriend over, I would have done it all differently if I did!”
Shane’s heart flutters at hearing “best friend,” and “boyfriend,” and “best friend’s boyfriend.” Something inside him gives way, something he didn’t realize he was holding for so long. For years, he was so caught up in all the ways being open with his relationship would make his life harder; he rarely considered all the ways it would make things so, so much brighter.
Hearing Hayden be so concerned about making Ilya Rozanov, of all people, feel welcomed in his home was something he never dared to consider a possibility. And here he had it. It was all his. And he got to share it.
“Thank you for being, I guess, normal? About it.” Shane’s voice is still shaking.
“Oh, believe me, I am not normal about this. This is the least normal thing in my life, maybe ever.”
Shane rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“I do. And of course. I’m here for you no matter what.” Hayden nudges Shane’s shoulder with his own, waits until he meets his eye to continue. “Easiest thing in the world.”
Shane's lower lip wobbles, he bites down on it. Squeezes his eyes shut. Takes a deep breath. Then laughs, relieved.
Hayden reaches around, grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. “My boy, in love!” They’re both laughing. “When did you know?”
Shane takes a sip of his drink. “That I was in love?”
Hayden nods.
“Um. It wasn’t real for a long time. We were, you know, seeing each other, but I thought…I don’t know, that one day I’d meet someone else, a girl maybe, and then that would be it? I thought that Ilya and I, whatever we had going on was just us being…” He searches for the right words.
“Curious?”
“Yeah, curious. And safe. Like I never had to worry about him telling anyone. Or like, demanding more of my time, because he had the same schedule, he, like, got it. So it was just casual, and then one day it wasn’t anymore. Or maybe it’s always been like this and I just never admitted it. But once I did, once I realized he felt the same, and with the whole Scott Hunter thing…I had to at least try. To make it real, I guess. Once we talked about it, it’s like, I realized how dumb we both were. Because now we’re like, actually boyfriends, and it’s– what did you say earlier? It's the easiest thing in the world.”
Hayden beams at him, and Shane swears he sees his eyes go glassy. He realizes this is the first time in a long time, maybe ever, that he’s been so honest about his feelings, about his inner life with Hayden. He’s hardly buzzed from the half beer he’s had, but this realization completely sobers him.
“I wanted to tell you.” His voice quiet now. “Maybe I should have.”
“Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know now. I can be here for you now.”
Shane smiles, sways a bit in his seat, feeling almost delirious with luck, overwhelmed by the love in his life.
“Okay, I have to know. How did it start?”
“Um, our first kiss what the summer before rookie year, but technic–”
“The summer before rookie year?” Hayden practically yells this, and Shane looks around, giggling, grabbing him by the shoulders and shushing him.
“Okay, pause. Pause. Jackie’s gonna want to know everything, and she’ll be pissed if I don’t ask all the right questions. Wanna come over tonight for dinner? It’s our date night, so my parents are already planning on taking the kids. We can pop a bottle of wine, hear all about this thing with Rozanov.”
Yesterday, this would have been Shane’s nightmare, having to sit down and talk openly about his relationship with Ilya. But today, sitting here with Hayden, he can’t think of anything he’d rather do.
_________
Shane shows up to the Pikes’ house later that evening, a bottle of wine in hand. He knocks on the door three times.
He can hear Jackie squeal from inside.
“Shane’s heeeeeere!”
The door swings open and Jackie flings her arms around his neck, dragging him down in a giant hug.
“Shaneweloveyousomuchwe’resohappyforyou,” she says, voice muffled into Shane’s neck. He laughs.
“Thanks, Jackie, thank you so much.” Oh god, tears are forming already and he hasn’t even stepped into the house yet.
“You’re going to have to tell us everything,” she says, pulling Shane into the house.
“Jeez, I hope not everything,” he jokes back, flashes of late nights with Ilya running through his mind.
“Definitely not everything!” Hayden calls from the kitchen.
Jackie turns back to Shane conspiratorially. “Everything,” she whispers, demanding with a devilish smile that Shane worries he won’t be allowed to ignore.
They pour wine, and Shane tries to make small talk, mostly just to annoy his two best friends. Even though Hayden is trying to play it cool, he can tell they are both eager to hear about how he and Ilya got to where they are.
They plop on the couch. Hayden and Jackie’s eyes are wide, they’re both smiling expectantly. He doesn’t say anything, just to tease them for a second longer.
“So? Tell us everything!”
Shane takes a sip of his wine. Takes a deep breath.
Exhales.