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I was drifting in the void, not Nulla’s void, no, but a dark expanse that went on forever. I couldn’t find the end to this place even if I tried. I couldn’t even move in the first place.
The game was shut down, you weren’t playing it currently. That just left me and the rest of the ‘characters’ paused. Including me, your puppet.
I knew of my role. To be your obedient and loyal puppet that won’t disobey any command. And of course I do my job well! I could never even think about disobeying your wishes. My existence is to serve you and let you immerse yourself into the game.
Any option you pick, I’ll obey.
Any wish you have for me to do, it will come true.
Any route you wish to pick, I’ll follow and play along.
Even no matter what you pick to do… I will continue being what you want from me. I will continue being useful.
…
That was all there was to my existence. Just a way for you to interact with the characters in the game. It is my purpose. My flesh made from Mother and my essence made from Nulla, to be able to contain you.
Nulla…
I knew he didn’t like that I was your puppet instead of you. I knew that every time he was being affectionate, it was only him pretending I was you, and to give you something to read and be entertained on.
My body did not just belong to you, but Nulla as well.
But I still only serve you! You are above anyone else in my priority!
He doesn’t care about me, it is obvious. He only cares about you. Especially since that one bad end at the start where he killed me in hopes of getting to you. It hurt, it always hurts so very much. I hate the pain.
He is probably planning and trying to use my body as a way to get out of the game and to you. Just how he attempted but failed there.
But even so I narrate those little dates for you. Trying to imagine how you would feel if you were here instead of me. I ignore the fact every single word of his was meant for you and not me. I ignore that the only reason he kept looking into my eyes was to see you. I ignored how every kiss or hug was only to give you something to read about.
If I mentioned any of that, would that make you leave?
No, you would certainly be upset. My thoughts and feelings would only make you feel more disconnected from the game. Instead of playing as yourself you’d play as me, and you wouldn’t like that. It’s not like my backstory matters. Wasn't that what Mother told you at the start? “Your puppet's backstory does not matter, it’s just another body for you to take anyway.”
…
Even though Nulla hates me, I still would’ve shut my eyes and looked away when Unum was going to kill him. My eyelids would've been cut out, but…
I am sure you would rather have that than your beloved Nulla die.
Good thing Mother saved us before that could happen.
And Unum…
Does he even care about me?
Unlike Nulla or… Septem… he does not know of the existence of you. He doesn’t know I am just a puppet following your orders to your liking. Do you like that he doesn’t know?
Or would you prefer if he also hated me and only was in love with you?
Unum was crazy, he almost hurt and ate me many times. But you probably like that considering you have downloaded the game. The only reason he likes me is because I gave him children.
The same children that was initially just a damn experiment for him. Noor and Shams are only here because he is fascinated by humans and wanted descendants with one.
It is I that mostly takes care of them while he is out talking with stupid Septem about something.
Shams and Noor are wonderful children. The two that I care about the second most, only surpassed by you of course. Shams is so much like her father, and Noor…
I might just actually try to find out how to kill Septem if he doesn’t let Noor eat.
Unum loved to act like he was my husband, when he says many times he has to restrain himself from eating me. He’s selfish and childish. Like I got poisoned and almost died just because he was so stupid he hadn’t been listening to Tria’s warnings about her food. And then he also asks to have my damn eye as if it was nothing special.
I wonder how Aeliana, Solaris and Ignis could handle him as a husband for so long. Poor women. Though I suppose they could’ve had worse husbands. Like Septem..
I’m only alive in this route because you chose to have children with him. If I don’t he lets his wives eat me… Even so they’re much more tolerable than him.
I am worried about what will happen to my children in the next act.
And lastly Septem…
Fuck how much I hated him.
He was so controlling. I had counted how many bad ends you made me go through with him, it was 9. Once he killed me because you made me sit in a chair without his permission! I was apparently “disrespectful”, for sitting in a damn chair,
At least with Nulla he would pretend that I were you. He wouldn’t treat me terribly… at least when you make me reveal myself as a puppet. Sure he would make comments and continuously mention the fact he would rather have you then me, but at least he didn’t act like Septem.
He hates me because I am not you, nor part of the garden, and part of Nulla. That sadistic bastard cares the least about me, and certainly shows it.
Breaking my wrist, and if you allow him… crushing my wrist twice and burning out my tongue. And that’s not counting all the times he has killed me because of his stupid control issues.
He is so pathetic, how could anybody like the guy? He can’t even actually fight, the only reason he could hurt me is because I am not a part of the garden. If he didn’t have Father’s protection…
Septem even has the nerve to act like I would ever disobey your wishes. I serve you, nobody else. I would never!
Even if you make me experience a terrible death, I wouldn’t ever take control from you. I am loyal to you, forever and always. For how long you need me and how long you want me.
He is lying to you.
Do you believe him? Is that why you replaced me with him in ACT 2.5 of his route?...
Am I not being useful enough? Sure my hands and by extension my body are rotting… but I can still be useful to you! It’s not like my hands are completely immobile, you can still use them as you wish.
Am I not following your wishes well enough? Sure there were times where I added a little extra to your choice.. Did that really upset you that much? If so I deeply apologize, I swear I won’t ever do so again.
Is it because I fought with Septem when he took you away from me? I… won’t apologize to him but I am so sorry you had to see that. I know I was being an embarrassment to you.
Is that why you haven’t returned to the game yet?
Or did you get bored? Because of me?
I went along with Septem’s wishes, tolerated all the pain and fucking suffering he made me endure, just because he is a sadistic bastard and you are a curious entity.
Was that not good enough?
And you…
I would love to think you care about my health and wishes, but do you really?
It’s probably just curiosity making you choose options where I get hurt or killed, you’re a being from the upper plane and this world is just a game to you. It’s… natural that you’d like to explore the game to its fullest.
But when you let me get killed… let my wrist get crushed and my tongue burnt off… decline a symbol’s offer of apprenticeship and have my limbs torn off one by one and eaten, as I feel everything…
It’s just curiosity not hatred, is it? Curiosity of what will happen if you choose a certain option, even if it very obviously will lead to my death.
Please tell me it’s just curiosity and you’re not picking these options because you hate me.
My pain is words on a screen for you. The blood that flows out of me is just red around your screen. The sight of someone killing me before I die is just a piece of art for you to admire.
After all, you don’t experience any of the pain, only I do. So why would it matter to you?
Fuck you do not care about me.
You’re like the rest, aren’t you? Use me to the fullest before discarding me.
After all I am just a character in a game for you, my existence doesn’t matter to someone from the upper plane.
How many other bodies have you taken in a game? How many backstories have been replaced? How many backstories have been stolen? How many were just created for the sole purpose of having you inhabit and control them?
Will I be replaced soon in the other routes as well?
In Septem’s you’ve already replaced me in favour of having Septem as your puppet instead. Maybe that’s why you aren’t back, maybe you saw how thrilling having your own body is. Maybe the fact you don’t have your own body but instead use mine isn’t enough immersing for you.
I have no idea what has happened in Septem’s route after you replace me, however the worst part is, I am guessing the same will happen for the other routes.
Will Nulla find someone else’s body, or find an unused one in the game files, and have you inhabit that one leaving me useless again? I am certainly sure he is trying to at least.
Will Unum find out of my puppet status and try to find you a different body to inhabit? Or perhaps since Septem has definitely already caught on to the fact I am a puppet, will he try to make you a body like he did in his route?
I wish you wouldn’t replace me.
I wish I knew what makes you do all of this. I know I have done my best to be whatever you need. But I guess that just wasn’t good enough for you. I am not good enough for you.
Or maybe it’s just the game forcing you with those limited options to replace me.
No, that’s wishful thinking.
If you’re reading this, I am sorry for my thoughts.
I swear these are just a small part of them. I am so very glad that you think I am worthy enough to be your puppet. Even if only temporarily…
My thoughts… my identity… it has clearly not been fully deleted, huh? Maybe that’s why you’re fine with replacing me. If I was an empty husk, no thoughts or feelings and just a body for you exist in…
Would that make you happier?
…
I am sorry again.
I hope despite this, you play the game again soon. It is lonely and terrible without you. Even if the other characters don’t like me…
If you are still reading, I wish you the best, wherever you may, and whoever that may be with.
I care about you, even if you don’t care about me.