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Jane sank into the faux leather of her brand-new couch. The movers had just left, which meant she was moved in at last. She’d give it a few hours before starting on the mixed-up boxes stacked in the middle of the living room.
She’d soon regret her packing style; she'd shove everything in and hope for the best, when she’d find her kitchen utensils with her makeup stash. However, this was a problem for future Jane. Right then, the appeal of popping a bottle and ordering a pizza— she’d splurge and get all the toppings— was too strong to ignore.
She was about to dial the nearest pizza parlour when a quick series of tapping noises stopped her in her tracks. The rapid rhythm seemed to be coming from the apartment above. She waited a few minutes for it to stop on its own before taking matters into her own hands.
She looked around the room for something long enough to retort by hitting the ceiling twice as hard and as fast, but she had yet to buy a new broom, the toilet plunger was out of the question, and anything else she spotted wouldn’t give her enough of a reach.
Jane stomped out of her unit. Luckily, there were only 8 tenants, split on two floors. It was easy to tell which apartment was directly above hers. After walking up a short flight of stairs, she came face-to-face with the most absurd decorative choices.
Under Jane’s feet was a pink welcome mat. The door was surrounded by multiple pink feather boas stapled to the doorframe, and, as if another pink accent were needed, pink adhesive letters were pasted on it to spell out the name Darlene.
It took Jane by surprise; the reason she was there in the first place was almost forgotten. A deep curiosity replaced her annoyance. She had to meet this woman; if her taste levels were any indication of her personality, she had to see it for herself.
She knocked forcefully to be heard through the commotion.
The door opened to reveal a tall blonde woman in her mid-twenties to early thirties. She looked exactly like Jane had expected. The scent of excessive hairspray used to make her hair appear more voluminous made its way to Jane’s nostrils immediately. It was so big that it bumped against the top of the frame when she walked up to greet Jane.
“Heya.” She said in a cheery tone.
The brightest cherry red lipstick framed her smile. Her teeth were perfectly white and in line. The woman’s face was doll-like.
“Name’s Darlene Mitchell. What’s yours?” Darlene reached a hand towards Jane. Her pink acrylic nails grazed her skin as she shook Darlene’s hand.
“I’m Jane, your new neighbour.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jane.” Darlene kept a firm grip on Jane’s hand to emphasize her words. Jane tugged back to get out of the handshake.
“Pleasure’s mine,” she replied half-heartedly. “Listen, I heard some noise coming from up here. I was hoping you could tone it down.”
Darlene’s expression went from jolly to apologetic.
“Heavens to Betsy, you’ll have to forgive me, dear.”
Jane bit the inside of her cheek to hold back the mocking smile threatening to show. This Darlene woman was just about the most southern person Jane had met.
“I’ve recently picked up a hobby of tap dancing.” She pointed down at her feet.
This was the first time Jane had seen adult-sized tap shoes—the thought of a 6-foot-tall woman tap-dancing entertained her imagination.
She took in the rest of Darlene’s outfit. Her dress was checkered in yellows and greens, matching the multiple beaded bracelets on her wrists. She would fit right in with the cast of Toddlers and Tiaras.
“Your unit has been vacant for a couple of months now. Had I known you had moved in,” she shook her head. “I promise from now on you won’t hear a peep. I’ll be quiet as a mouse.”
Jane nodded, mumbling a quiet “thank you.”
“Well, I won’t keep you any longer.” She took a couple of steps back, her body language awkwardly conveying that she hoped this interaction would end.
“Oh, nonsense! You can come back anytime!” Darlene waved her off.
Jane walked back to her apartment, unsure what had just happened. This woman would quickly become the subject of Jane’s fascination.
She slept horribly that night. This was partly due to the unusual noise of the AC unit she had yet to get accustomed to, but mostly to her new upstairs neighbour.
It’s as if the thoughts of Darlene occupying her mind throughout the night summoned her. It was 8:15 AM when the ring of her doorbell awoke Jane.
She threw on the same shirt she'd worn the day before and kept her pyjama shorts on. She had yet to unpack her clothes.
The knocking intensified as she arranged the front pieces of her bangs through the screen of her iPhone.
“Coming!” She yelled, making her way to the front door. She was surprised to see Darlene on the other side, holding a large plate covered by a rag. She had the same updo and wore a similar outfit, only in a different colour scheme. Shades of pink and light purple blended on the front pane of her wide skirt. Even so early in the morning, she was well put together and had the same big smile plastered on her face.
“Good morning, neighbour!” She examined Jane’s attire closely, her eyes widening. “Oh no, did I wake you?”
“It’s fine. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” She lied to spare Darlene’s feelings.
“If you say so.” She brushed it off. “I made you some banana bread as a welcome gift!”
She held up the plate and removed the rag, revealing a perfectly baked loaf of homemade banana bread, covered in chocolate chips and, Oh no. Pecans.
Jane backed up immediately.
“Get this away from me.”
Darlene took a step back, her body tensing up. She looked at Jane with worry in her eyes.
“I’m deathly allergic to nuts,” Jane said matter-of-factly. The health scare was making her forget all about social etiquette.
“Holy Moly, I am so very sorry, Jane.” Darlene apologized.
“Don’t be, it’s fine.” Jane tried to reassure her, but the nervous feeling in her system made it sound anything but convincing. “I don’t even like banana bread.”
She said as though it would make the situation better. She loved banana bread; who doesn’t? But her half-asleep state and the gorgeous woman standing before her altered her brain chemistry, making things more awkward than they needed to be.
“Oh, alright then,” Darlene said softly. Her feelings were hurt; that much was clear. She’d done nothing wrong, only tried to make Jane happy, and in return, Jane had acted so ungrateful. “I should go. You have a good one.”
Jane could have called after her. Apologized and laughed it off, but instead, she waved Darlene a curt goodbye and retreated into her unit full of shame.
Jane wasn’t one to sugarcoat the situation to spare someone’s feelings, but Darlene looked so fragile, and the last thing Jane wanted was to rain on her cheerful parade. She didn’t know how to act around people like that. With her friends, it was easy. They’d throw insults back and forth, all in good fun. They’d abuse sarcasm and dark humour, but they knew that it came from a place of love.
However, seeing the hurt on Darlene’s face told Jane that she needed to be more careful around her. If she wanted to make a good impression on her new neighbour, she’d have to work on her delivery a bit more. Sound more empathetic towards the woman who was probably up before sunrise baking for Jane.
Jane tried to take her mind off everything related to Darlene by going out to get groceries. Her empty fridge wouldn’t fill itself up.
She filled her cart with all the essentials and used self-checkout to avoid any more human interactions for the day. Just as she walked past the register, she contemplated snagging a bouquet for Darlene, but she didn’t want to come off too strong. However, it would make up a good excuse to drop by Darlene’s apartment and offer an apology, she thought. Jane grabbed a pink assortment and gently placed it in her cart.
The walk of shame back to her apartment was only a couple of blocks short, but carrying three bags filled to the brim, Jane hated every second. When she finally reached her new home, she thought it would be best to drop off her groceries before going to Darlene’s, but she was stopped in her tracks.
Jane could smell something burnt. It was subtle, but she caught on. She tried to follow it as best as she could before she ended up in front of Darlene’s door.
She tried a couple of knocks to no avail. It was no use pretending Jane wasn’t a noisy neighbour, so she placed her ear against the door and listened. She could faintly hear country music playing.
She knocked again, louder this time.
“Darlene? It’s Jane, your downstairs neighbour.” She tried. “Listen, I’m so sorry about this morning.”
She worried that Darlene was ignoring her, so she kept rambling.
“I wasn’t really fair to you, so I brought you a gift in return and, well, an apology.” She waited again for an answer, but could only hear the music through the door until she couldn't.
The loud beeping noise of the fire alarm blasted through Jane’s eardrums.
“Darlene?” She raised her voice, knocking more frantically, this time only waiting a couple of seconds before making the rash decision to drop everything and barge in.
She twisted the knob and let herself into Darlene’s apartment. She first noticed Darlene’s living room, which looked like it was right out of the 80s. It felt like walking through someone’s psychedelic hallucinations. The bright colours of her couch and cushions, and the decayed wood of her furniture, made an odd contrast, but they gave off a homey air.
She power walked through the living room, still calling out for Darlene, when she heard a loud cough coming from the kitchen. She followed the sound until she found Darlene.
The normally calm yet bubbly woman was panicked. Her arms flailing, trying to dissipate the smoke coming out of the oven.
“No no no no no…” Darlene repeated. She hadn’t even noticed Jane coming in until she felt Jane’s light tap on her shoulder.
“Darlene, what’s happening?”
“Christ on a cracker! You almost gave me a heart attack.”
“Calm down, we’ll fix this.” Jane’s mind shifted to problem-solving mode. Looking into the oven, she was relieved not to see flames. “Oven mitts?” She yelled out to Darlene, who was still trying her best to direct the smoke elsewhere.
“What?” Darlene said. She couldn’t hear Jane through the ruckus.
So she grabbed the next best thing, a dish towel, pink, naturally. She opened the door and was hit by a cloud of grey smoke. Jane started coughing, but didn’t let it distract her from the task at hand. She reached for the pan, protecting her hands with the towel, and pulled it out.
A dark, gooey substance bubbled in the circular pan; it was impossible to tell what it had once been.
Darlene had reached the balcony and was indicating for Jane to come her way.
“Throw it down.” She yelled.
“Are you out of your mind?” Jane shouted back, and this time Darlene heard.
“What else am I supposed to do?” Darlene didn’t seem offended by Jane’s remark. She was too deep into her panic to catch onto the insult.
“How should I know?”
“Oh! Fire extinguisher!” Darlene exclaimed.
“No, Darlene, there’s no fire!”
“Throw it in the sink?” Darlene offered, and Jane decided that sounded like the best solution.
She placed the pan in the sink, and Darlene turned on the faucet, drowning it. The smoke dissipated immediately, but the smoke alarm kept sounding. Its ear-piercing tune could be heard throughout the whole building.
With the main issue resolved, Darlene resumed waving her arms. Jane reached for a chopping board and handed it to her. The flat surface made it easier to move the smoke around, and after a few minutes of both girls fanning the air, the alarm finally stopped.
“Oh my lanta,” Darlene lowered herself onto the couch dramatically. “I’m not built for this housewife life.”
Jane let out a laugh as she took a seat next to Darlene on the pink couch.
“What did you do?” Jane asked.
“Apple pie?” Darlene shrugged her shoulders and smiled weakly. “Well, I guess it looks more like chocolate pudding now.”
“Yeah, probably doesn’t taste like it though,” Jane added. “But I meant what went wrong?”
Darlene looked down in shame. She bit her lip and answered Jane’s question in a weak voice.
“I forgot about it.”
Jane chuckled, not wanting to offend Darlene by thinking she was laughing at her, so she tried to backtrack. However, Darlene was not offended by Jane’s comment. Darlene was also laughing hysterically.
“My song came on, and I started dancing,” Darlene admitted, tears forming in her eyes from too much laughter. “I’m such an airhead sometimes.”
“Haha, yeah. That was so stupid.”
Jane’s smile dropped from her face.
“Not that I think you’re stupid!” She argued, but her reaction only seemed to make Darlene laugh harder.
“You’re so funny,” Darlene let her know. While Jane couldn’t quite agree, she was glad it took the focus off her calling Darlene stupid.
When Darlene’s laughing fit came to a stop, Jane could go back to her interrogation.
“What was the pie for?”
“For you.” Darlene offered a warm smile. “To make up for this morning.”
“Oh, Darlene. You shouldn’t have!” Jane felt a pang in her chest. Half guilt, half thrill. “I didn’t even thank you properly for your kind gesture; I don’t deserve any more favours from you.”
“But I wanted to do something nice for you.” The warmth in Darlene’s eyes was overwhelming. Jane felt as though she might be sick.
“You’re too kind for your own good.”
“I try to be,” Darlene shrugged. “But I wouldn’t do all that for just anybody.
Jane felt her face getting warmer as she tried to smile through the situation. Not knowing what to say, she replied with a simple “thanks.”
“You have a very pretty smile, Jane.”
Jane tried to examine Darlene’s face for any hint of sarcasm, but the woman was genuine in her compliment.
“It’s nothing compared to yours.” She attempted to sound flirty.
“Aww shucks! Aren’t you a dear?” Darlene straightened her back on the couch. “Please let me take you out to repay you?”
“To repay me?”
“For saving me from my own cooking prowess.”
Jane thought it through. Her first instinct was to refuse, for the excuse that it was no biggie and she’d barely even helped. Then it hit her; Darlene wasn’t asking for a way to repay Jane. She was asking her out on a date.
As if things weren’t clear enough, Darlene offered a wink and held out a hand for Jane to accept. She wasted no time doing so.
“Yes, that would be great,” Jane said.
“Wonderful!” Darlene shot up from the couch and pulled Jane to her feet. “Let me grab my purse.”
With all the distractions, Jane had completely forgotten about the abandoned bags of groceries in the lobby and the flowers she had ruined by getting the petals caught in the door.
“Give me about five minutes to put my groceries away.” She rushed out of the apartment, picking the flowers up on her way before Darlene could acknowledge them.
Jane shoved all three bags of groceries into the fridge, not bothering to separate what needed to be kept cold from what didn't.
She evaluated the damage to her pink flower assortment. A few of the biggest peonies could not be salvaged; however, the rest still held up pretty well. Jane took them out and tied a bow around the remaining stems.
She stopped by the bathroom to fix her bangs one last time, a nervous habit of hers. Taking a deep breath, she gave her shoulders a little shake and held her chin up.
She had just about mustered up the confidence when Darlene rang her doorbell. It was time to work her charm and get herself a southern charm of a woman on her arm.