Archive of Our Own

After he and Russia finished their conversation, Ivan offered to finish tidying up while Matthew drove back to his embassy. He offered his place for them to rest up and let Alfred recover, and Ivan agreed, but it left one major problem:

His cabin, as usual, was a complete fucking Depression Nest. And he was too far from any sort of embassy for anyone to come help.

Matthew ran around the rooms, trying to catalog everything he had to tidy up, but it just got worse. He’d joked about an ecosystem in his sink before, but he’s pretty sure he saw something moving in there now. He couldn’t bring anyone here, what the fuck was he even thinking? Would Russia’s house really be that bad of an alternative? Sure, he was at war, but they probably weren’t going to directly strike his mansion or Moscow any time soon. The house was a mess, he was a mess, the — ‘You are an unclean person. You want to be a clean person. You want to be the person that picks up paper when it drops. You are an unclean person. You want to be a clean person. You want to be the person that picks up paper when it drops. You are an unclean — ‘

Matthew screamed into his elbow, trying to drown on the noise from the speaker and Dr. Cameron’s grating, irritating, voice. He couldn’t be in the silence like this, but he couldn’t bring anyone over to see the chaos. He normally would’ve called Alfred, but now he didn’t have a phone. It was hard to focus on his phone with the speaker playing somewhere (it had to be, right?), but he eventually landed on —

“Heyo, what’s up!” Matthias asked over the phone, “Haven’t heard from you since last meeting!”

“Sorry, I’ve been,” Severely fucking depressed and dysfunctional as usual — “Busy,”

“All good! What’re you calling for?”

“I’m um…” Denmark didn’t really know the depth of what was beyond the phone screen, and Matthew wanted to keep it that way, “I’m cleaning up, hosting Alfred and his partner over for a week or so,”

“The ever elusive partner. Kudos for keeping it secret for so long but I’m still dying to know who it is. Do you want me to just like, do work with you while you clean? Or do you wanna chat in the meantime instead?”

“I called to talk for a bit while I clean if you can,”

“Works for me. Why are they coming over, anyway?”

“Alfred’s really stressed over the whole shutdown thing, so I offered to help him decompress,”

“Oh,” He could hear the confusion in his voice, “I mean, that’s like nice and all, but isn’t it kinda deserved given what he’s put the rest of us through? Let him stress out for a bit; I’m still concerned he’s gonna go after Greenland,” Matthew paused at that. He didn’t want to go around telling everyone that Alfred walked into a damn river, but he also didn’t want to be dragged into the same friendless muck Alfred was in by association.

“He’s been stressed out of his mind since last November; it’s not like him to sit on the sidelines when his people are getting hurt. And — “ Matthew braced himself for the next part, “It doesn’t help that everyone stopped talking to him for something his government is doing. You know we don’t have any control over that,” The weapons he brought with him to the hospital were neatly put away when it hit Matthew that he should really be trying to clean the living room or kitchen instead. Fuck. All that time was fucking wasted —

“Hey, don’t slow down, I don’t hear you moving anymore. What’s next?” Matthias said.

“Sorry, just realized I should’ve been working on something more visible and not this shit,” Matthew sighed.

“Still useful in getting you started. Move us over to the living room!” Matthew moved the phone and surveyed the room, trying to decide what to do first.

…Right. This was why he started with his own room. He could barely make out where the couch was with a month of failed attempts at folding laundry were sitting on top of it. Was it all even clean? A sniff from one pile revealed it was a mixture of both. Great. Or maybe they were sitting out long enough they were dirty again.

“What’s with the silent treatment?”

“Laundry pile,”

“Shit. Fair enough. How long until they’re heading over?”

“Not enough time for me to fix it,” He started trying to sort everything, but all it ended up doing was creating more piles that he lost track of again. It looked to be a combination of winter and summer clothes too, so some were moving to storage.

“…Will they care?” Matthias asked after a few minutes of attempted conversation.

“Alfred won’t. Ivan might,”

“Ooooh okay. That’s a horrifying power couple if I ever saw one,” FUCK. GOD FUCKING — CAN HE DO ANYTHING RIGHT? The one, the one thing Alfred kept hidden from the world the most and he fucked it up.

He needed a break, this was too much, he needed to just go back to bed and let Alfred deal with it when he came here. Maybe he’d even like tackling the mess since it would give his hands something to do. He can’t do this. He can’t fucking do this.

“Hey, stay with me here, no stopping. It’s fine, I won’t tell anyone. Okay, maybe my bros but like — “

“You will not tell anyone,” Matthew’s tone was low in his throat, a wave of protectiveness washing over him, “Both of them might be punished by their Bosses if it comes to light. I’m not letting him get hurt because you decided to blab,”

“…But you were the one to confirm it?”

“Because I’m stressed! God fucking forbid I try to — never mind, I’ll finish the rest myself. Bye, Matthias, thank you,” He hung up the phone and the silence weighed down on him like a blanket. He — he just needed a bit of stress relief and then he could work. Just a bit.

Just one or two cuts. Just enough to feel like he could breathe again.

He kept the bathroom attached to his room clean at least, mainly so if Alfred did come over he wouldn’t feel the urge to tidy up and find his supplies. The canvas was far from clean from decades of doing this, but it would always heal eventually. He could feel all his anxious energy dripping away as he caught the blood running down his arm before it stained the porcelain. At least he didn’t need to do a deep clean since Nations don’t get sick (besides sick in the head, clearly), but he still loved how clean the bandage looked.

The piles were just piles when he came out from the bathroom. He would get done what he could and they would deal with the rest together. As long as he showed that he made an effort, surely it would be fine.

Matthew got to his embassy in D.C. an hour before the pair would arrive to let his magic rest. It sucked leaving his cabin in the half-cleaned (okay, maybe more like 25% cleaned. If he was being nice. 10% if he was being brutal) state, but the splicing of his body from bringing too many over in one go wouldn’t be worth it. It was still going to hurt like a bitch, but at least he’d be conscious for it. He even wrapped his midsection in gauze since that was usually where the splice hit him most frequently.

His embassy felt…emptier than usual. He knew that Alfred’s government had downscaled the State Department, but it was desolate as he wandered the halls.

Oh, wait. The shutdown. Hopefully that was the only reason.

He found a bench and texted Alfred to let him know and set the phone to vibrate. An hour wasn’t anywhere close to the amount of sleep he actually needed, but he didn’t have much of a choice.

Twin

Twin: here btw

Twin: sorry it took so long

: why r u apologizing ʕ◉ᴥ◉ʔ

Twin: idk man

Twin: just feel like ass

Twin: y’know?

: ye ʕ – ᴥ – ʔ

Matthew peeled himself off the bench and made for the entrance. Ivan had a grin on his face at…something and Alfred had his eyes glued to the floor and their bags.

“Wow, you look bad!” Ivan said as they entered, “Did you not sleep?”

“I was cleaning,” Matthew sighed, “It’s not done yet, so just don’t be a dick about it, alright?”

“I will hold back any comments I have,” Ugh, “I will also catch you when you collapse,”

“Great. Thanks,” Matthew took both of their hands and braced himself —

— Annnnnd there was the tear in his side. Ow, fuck, his leg too? His legs gave out in the living room at the cabin and there was just enough room on the couch that Ivan could lay him down. At least he got that much of it cleaned.

“Interesting…” Ivan said as he glanced around.

“Shut the — ,” Matthew bit back a gasp at a spike in pain, “— fuck up,” He could already see Alfred’s hands flexing once he dropped the bags, “You can tidy if you want, Al. I’ll direct you,” Alfred immediately grabbed a pile of laundry and walked back to his washing machine while Ivan stayed by his side. It was weird having Russia of all Nations hovering over him.

“Do you want me to get a bandage for the splices?” Ivan asked.

“I guess for my leg. I pre-wrapped my torso but the leg was unexpected,” His jeans felt wet and Matthew internally groaned. Good jeans took a lot of effort to find these days and a Nation’s blood never washed out. He’d have to patch over this one too before even considering going to a store. He winced as Ivan pulled the fabric up to reveal a bone sticking out. Without even giving him a countdown, Ivan snapped the bone back into place. Matthew turned invisible at the shock of pain and held in a yelp. He knew he was shaking, he just hoped it wasn’t enough for Ivan to care to comment on.

“Where did you get the gauze from?” Ivan asked.

“…The store? There’s one in La Ronge,”

“Where in your house did you get it from,”

“Oh, um. Bathroom connected to my room, under the sink,” Ivan left to fetch it while Matthew tried to calm down and turn visible again. He could hear Alfred making his way through the kitchen now in the distance with another load in the machine. Despite the two new Nations in the cabin, it felt quiet.

Too quiet.

He threw on some headphones he knew were stashed in the couch and put on a podcast he found partway through cleaning. Noise canceling was off so he could still hear everything around him, of course. He trusted Alfred with his life, but Ivan? Being a decent hockey player and Alfred’s partner of 132 years didn’t mean shit right now.

He just was able to make himself visible when Ivan came back with gauze to wrap up his leg. Ivan motioned to the headphones and did a pulling away motion, so Matthew begrudgingly turned off the podcast. The other Nation looked around for a second before leaning in to whisper:

“I saw the razor blade pack down there that doesn’t fit the disposable one on the sink. So…where are the cuts?”

…

… …

… … …

… … … …

He wasn’t going to have a panic attack in front of Russia.

He wasn’t going to have a fucking panic attack in front of fucking Russia.

He couldn’t escape anywhere, even if he was invisible now. He couldn’t ask them to leave. He — the only way out was through.

“I’ll show you if you show me your damn neck,” Matthew hissed. Ivan’s smile grew wider, almost like that was the response he was looking for.

“I don’t think we’re close enough yet in. I assume Fedya doesn’t know?”

“Correct. And if you tell him, I’ll tell him what really happened at that last little get together you and your little trio of friends had,”

“And where did you get that information?”

“Guess who my second largest trading partner is?” Ivan narrowed his eyes at that, and Matthew knew he struck gold, “Just fucking wrap up my leg, Jesus Murphy,” Ivan obliged, but Matthew stayed tense. He was going to have to sleep near —

This was becoming a worse and worse idea the longer this went on. Well, no use complaining now; it’s not like he could kick them out.

“…I have to see your leg to bandage it,” Ivan sighed. Matthew tried turning himself visible again (which he thought he just did) but it wasn’t working. His heart was racing and every nerve felt like a live wire.

“Yo, step away for a sec,” Alfred called out, finally away from the kitchen. Ivan huffed and handed the bandages over to him before moving to another part of the cabin.

“Where’d you get these from?” Alfred asked.

“I didn’t want this sweater to get blood on it, so I preemptively covered my torso. Didn’t expect the leg, obviously,” Matthew felt his heart calming down once Ivan and his questions were gone.

“You like the sweater that much? Didn’t get a good look at it earlier,”

“I mean, it’s nice. Good texture, worn down a bit,”

“Nice, nice. Do ya wanna show me it?” Oh, right. With a bit of concentration, Matthew forced himself onto the visible spectrum again, “Yikes — didn’t expect your leg to look like that. Damn,”

“I’m more mad I have to patch up another pair of jeans,” Matthew small smile at the joke faded when Alfred leaned in close, just like his partner had before.

“You okay? We can just relocate somewhere else if you won’t be able to sleep or it’s stressing you out too much,” Alfred whispered.

“I might triple lock and blockade my bedroom door, but I’ll deal with it. You walked into a fucking river,”

“I know, I know. And what happened with Ivan?” Alfred was acting way too casual for Matthew’s liking over a potential suicide attempt.

“He uh — too many invasive questions. It’s his first time here so it’s a bit expected, but still…”

“I’ll ask him to lay off,” Alfred finally wrapped his leg and got up, “In the meantime, you can chill and we’ll, I dunno, like put on Mario Kart? Do you have the new game yet?

“Amazon takes a while to ship this far North, but I have 8. Did you bring your Switch so we have enough controllers?”

“Hell yeah, I did!”

The games were fun and dinner was delicious as they blended food from three different Nations together. He was relieved that he finished building the guest room addition that Alfred had begged for since…2001 maybe? Shortly after the whole Operation Yellow Ribbon thing and he started to want his own space to prep for their hiking trips. He still needed to rig up some sort of extra bathroom besides his own and the one in the main house. Maybe next summer.

After bidding them good night (and a firm warning that he better not wake up to a cum stain on the blankets), his nightly routine had a few extra steps added to it. He locked the bedroom door as normal and pushed his desk in front of it to barricade himself in. It wouldn’t completely stop anyone from getting in; just give him enough time to teleport away to the Arctic Circle. He checked the entire bedroom and bathroom top to bottom for hidden speakers or other devices before finally settling into bed. It’s not like he didn’t trust Alfred —

Okay. There was still a small nugget of distrust. It wasn’t his fault or something he did in particular, just lingering paranoia. Ivan on the other hand had put himself in the negatives regarding trust.

He could just teleport and sleep in one of his apartments in a city, but that left the cabin unprotected with company around.

He fell into an uneasy sleep, praying morning would come quick.

He opened his eyes to his stomach roaring. The clock told him it was still the early hours of the morning; too early to get up and stay up. Matthew heaved himself out of bed to his food stash. It was far from empty, but it was all dense, tasteless bars or food to survive a nuclear winter or his worst sensory days. Was he really going to go through all the effort of teleporting past the barricade to get leftovers?

Yep.

His house, his stomach.

He teleported just beyond the door, barely feeling dizzy from the short distance. Despite it being, y’know, his house, he still felt the need to turn invisible. It was an extra layer of comfort when he didn’t know where the couple were. Not that he thought they would be up and about of —

Was someone crying?

He turned to corner and saw Ivan crying on one of the stools in the kitchen. Huh. Of the two of them, it was only slightly more surprising to see Ivan breaking down. The sobs were quiet, he was clearly trying to keep it to himself, but it sounded almost painful how they forced their way out. Why wasn’t he just going to Alfred for comfort?

Matthew’s stomach betrayed him and Ivan’s eyes shot upward into the darkness.

“Matvey?” Ivan whispered, trying to scan the dark room. He wouldn’t be able to go to the fridge without saying something, ugh.

“What’s up?” He asked, staying invisible, “I uh…came for a snack and didn’t expect…yeah,”

“G-get that first at least. It’s…” Ivan stuttered out. Matthew listened and pulled out some leftovers, eating them cold so Alfred couldn’t wake up from the microwave. He should probably add some sort of soundproofing to the room — no. This is a one time thing. Ivan wouldn’t staying over anymore.

Probably.

Matthew ate while Ivan gathered himself and dried his tears. He eventually let his guard down enough to show himself since a floating fork probably wasn’t a good conversation partner.

“It was just a nightmare — a really bad one at that,” Ivan sniffed.

“Well, what happened?”

“I don’t want you to start having the same one. It involves Alfred,”

“I’ll take the risk,”

“I dreamed Alfred ripped his heart out before walking into a river again. I found the heart on the shore but I couldn’t find his body and it was dark and the river was choppy and just…” Ivan trailed off. Ripped his heart out? Could Nations do that? He heard rumors of Ivan’s heart falling out; was it the same thing?

“This might be a stupid question, sorry, but what does the heart mean? Like it being out?”

“…I forgot how young you two are. Your heart is what lets you heal. If it’s outside you but nearby we heal much slower and if it’s too far away we’ll be stuck in the injured state forever until we have it again,”

“So if Alfred ripped out his heart and drowned or swam away, he would just — “ Be dead. For all the lows Matthew had gone through, that thought had never crossed his mind…and now it would probably become an intrusive thought, shit. Fuck him for being compassionate sometimes.

“From your expression it looks like I should not have told you,” Ivan sighed, “I feel better now, so I’ll go back to sleep,” He left Matthew alone in the kitchen without another word.

It turned out that Alfred needed a lot more sleep than he was letting on. Without an alarm, the Nation slept well into the afternoon. Matthew mostly avoided Ivan (and vise versa), but with the rare bit of sunlight Ivan iced over a nearby pond and they started a hockey game. It was more somber than their usual plays, the sound of the wilderness around them louder than the two Nations.

Alfred eventually appeared on a nearby log and Matthew turned to look at him, letting the puck whizz past.

“Dude,” Matthew targeted at Ivan. He just shrugged his shoulders and skated over to his partner, while Alfred huffed out a laugh.

“Took a while to find y’all. It’s nice here,” Alfred sighed.

“Did the note not help?” Ivan asked.

“All it said was ‘hockey. love you’. Not a map. Glad you’ve kept playing together, though!”

“Did you eat yet?”

“Nah, not hungry,”

“That’s because you got used to eating one meal a week,” Ivan got off the ice and Matthew followed; he was beginning to feel peckish himself. As soon as he was off the pond, Ivan stomped and the ice shattered and dissolved.

“Still can’t believe you snitched on me,”Alfred groaned to Matthew as they walked back.

“I can believe it because I did it. I’m you’re brother; that’s kinda my job,” Alfred gravitated to the kitchen and started making some sort of food. Matthew still had energy from hockey that he decided to put into finishing the laundry. With the couple preoccupied, he closed the door to his bedroom and started sorting and putting away all the freshly washed clothes. He threw on a podcast as soon as the first ‘You want to be a clean person’ passed through his head.

It didn’t mask the sound of the door flying open and Matthew grabbed the hunting knife on his nightstand to aim at the intruder’s covered throat.

“Funny that you have the same reflexes as your brother, but everyone only sees him as the violent one,” Ivan said with an eerie smile.

“Yeah, well Alfred usually knocks. What do you want,”

“Just wanted to get an actual look at your room. Also food is ready,” Ivan’s head turned to scan over his disaster of a living space while Matthew set the knife down and got back to work.

“You went through my room when you got the gauze,” Matthew huffed.

“Yes, but the razor blades were more interesting,” God how could Alfred fucking stand this man, “Are you going to eat?”

“I need to finish this first or it’ll never get done,”

“Do you want help?”

“No, I just need to zone out and do it. I’ll be out in a sec,” Ivan nodded and left Matthew to the podcast again.

God he fucking hated laundry.

While putting away some sweaters he had the brilliant idea of going through the old clothes in the back of the closet since he was there already. Might as well pack away his summer clothes as well. And pull everything out and scatter it around the floor and his bed to sort it and end up in another laundry pile and even after another trip to the bathroom to cut himself he would walk back out and have the urge to do it again looking at the mess —

Someone knocked. Alfred, probably, given the chances of Ivan listening to him were near zero. He tried opening his mouth to say something, his arms itchy where the gauze rubbed against his skin, but nothing would come out. ‘People want to hear what you have to say. You’ll be forgotten if not. People want to hear what you have to say. You’ll be forgotten if not. People want to hear what you have to say. You’ll be forgotten if not.’ Get it out just get it out! Say something!

The door opened without his permission and Alfred came in to witness the mess. He was holding a plate of food…oh, that. How much time had passed anyway?

“Havin’ fun, dude?” Alfred asked. He lowered himself onto the bed and held out the plate. His voice still refused to cooperate so he was stuck in place, “Just text me, all good,”

With a sigh, Matthew pulled out his phone.

Twin

: Clearly not fucking having fun

: I’m a god damn Nation I shouldn’t be like this. it’s stupid

“I get it. I…I mean, you’ve seen glimpses of it since I usually go to Ivan to deal with it. But I don’t think it’s just us,” Alfred suggested.

: probably not

but I can’t confirm it so for now it’s still pathetic

“Eh, you just got overwhelmed. Shit happens, y’know? Do you want me to help at all?

: is ivan bored/snooping around my shit?

“Nah, I set him up with my Switch before I came in. What’s this pile here?”

Alfred helped him slowly work through the clothes as a podcast played in the background. Something sciencey that they could talk about (eventually, at least) that didn’t veer too political. His voice still stayed trapped, but Alfred didn’t seem to mind. When it started to come back, he stuck with Assiniboine; a language they both knew that was easier to talk in compared to English or French. The pressure inside his head slowly released and the sun was well below the horizon by the time they finished. Not a big feat given how far North they were and the time of year. It was almost November, so his annual burst of SAD (along with the standard depression, PTSD, HPPD, and likely half of a psychology textbook) was starting to tighten its grip on him. But the two staying over was supposed to be helping Alfred, not himself.

“I can cook dinner,” Matthew said once they could see the floor again, “I’ve been selfish all day anyway,”

“Not selfish to need help, bud,”

“Pot, meet kettle,” Alfred rolled his eyes but walked out of the room without further complaints. The cabin was still a bit of a mess, but he knew Alfred wanted to keep busy and would jump in to help while Ivan looked on. Tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, they would focus on getting Alfred to relax and recover, at least until the shutdown was over. And who knows how long that could be?

Ivan always woke up earlier than Alfred did. Maybe Alfred just needed the sleep that badly still, which Matthew didn’t blame him one bit for. He made a small habit of wandering invisible through his own house and seeing how long he could avoid talking to Ivan. When they did interact, it was about literally anything else but the elephant sleeping in another room. He eventually learned that Ivan also enjoyed figure skating and they stuck to occasionally going out onto the pond and practicing. It was easier to be with him then, given how their relationship had been before Alfred’s little swim.

The shutdown still showed no signs of ending.

“What’s going on?” Matthew asked a week in. It was the fifth landing Ivan had fumbled, which didn’t make sense for a Nation who’s magic was built on ice for centuries longer than Matthew had been alive.

“Nothing,”

“I’m not stupid,”

“Such a way with words, you two,” Ivan skated over to their official bench log and leaned back with a sigh. Matthew joined him and held back his surprise when Ivan actually started talking.

“Alfred’s been having nightmares a lot recently. Not the usual ones we can talk him out of either. I think they’re work related, and we can’t say it’s all fine with an honesty he would believe. It has been keeping me up, unfortunately,” he admitted.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” Matthew replied, “I would help but nighttime — sleeping is — ,” Try again, dumb ass, “Sleeping next to someone else kinda — “

“Alfred explained,” his blood froze, “Not a lot, just that you can’t sleep near others or not secured. I’m guessing something happened?”

“When does it not when we live this long. Let’s break for now so we can check up on him, and maybe you can take a nap. I’ll entertain him,” They wandered back to the cabin, Matthew occasionally having to catch Ivan when he stumbled. No wonder he was so open about admitting it.

Alfred was on the couch playing Astro Bot, the little character making odd, jerking movements as it moved around. The game was less than a year old, it shouldn’t be having this many glitches. Alfred motioned for them to come down to the couch and join him. His brother immediately leaned into him when he laid down and Ivan landed on Alfred’s other side, pressing him into Matthew further. Alfred paused the game and shifted down so he was laying in Matthew’s lap and used Ivan as a blanket.

“Taking another nap?” Matthew asked.

“Yeah. That alright? Hope you don’t gotta pee,”

“I’m fine. You’re here to relax; do whatever you want,” Wait, hold on, “Within reason, no — “

“No stains on the sheets, I know. Trust me, your place doesn’t really make me in the mood to consider it. I’m still glad you finished building the guest room, though,” Matthew saved and exited the game once Alfred closed his eyes. The couple began lightly snoring and Matthew realized he was trapped. With a sigh, he rested his hand on Alfred’s head.

Hm. Interesting.

He gently ran his fingers against Alfred’s scalp, focusing on the texture under the faded blond hair. It was rough, bumpy, with ridges that felt like scar tissue. What on Earth happened?

After a few more days of lounging, Matthew offered to go check Alfred’s mail. He was the only one who could get there in a timely fashion and Alfred was starting to get antsy about it, despite his and Ivan’s reassurances.

The embassy was still practically empty, even when he went later in the day. There was no indication the shutdown would end anytime soon either. Most of the houses on Alfred’s block had cars parked in front since his neighbors were also government workers. He got to the mailbox just as a postal worker was walking up.

“Uh — Alfred told me to give these to you,” Matthew said, pulling out a form and his license.

“I mean, if I weren’t here I couldn’t stop you, but thanks for being prepared. He doing alright? He’s known for checking up on the folks around here as of late with everything going on. I’m assuming he’s one of us?” The worker said.

“He’s um…with the State Department,” Every department really given his workload, but formally they would be under State.

“Oh shit, that’s rough. They’ll be hard pressed to fully get rid of us, but I heard they tore up half of that Department already. Best of luck,”

“You too!”

“Eh, I’m still paid, we’ll be fine,” Matthew picked up all the mail from the overstuffed mailbox and went back to the cabin. He laid out the mail on a counter and Alfred swooped in to sort through it. His fingers paused on one letter in particular, and after he opened it his eyes went dangerously blank.

“I need to take a walk,” he said, already moving toward the door.

“I’ll go with you,” Unease churned in his gut.

“Nah, I won’t bother ya. I wanna go alone anyway,”

“I want to go with you,”

“I’m going alone,” Alfred hissed, slamming his hand on the door hard enough to crack the wood. Asshole.

“And if you get lost?”

“I won’t,”

“Well, I’m coming with you anyway, end of story. Plus, you broke my door so you kinda owe me,” Matthew grabbed his water bottle and threw some boots on. Alfred finally shut up and stormed out, leaving Matthew to catch up. They walked one behind the other without much interaction, just listening to the wilderness around him.

…And also to Alfred trying to catch his breath. He wanted to reach out and help, which would probably result in Alfred completely shutting him out. It was an unfortunate habit they both shared.

His silence had to be broken when he saw Alfred had led them to a lake. He followed closer behind him and sat down next to him on a log near the shore. They were close enough to hear the small waves land on the gravel beach.

“Thinking of walking in again?” Matthew asked. Might as well be upfront with it.

“No,” Alfred shot back, “Why care anyway? Not like I was deliberately trying to drown. I got hit with a wave and it surprised me, that’s all. Just a mistake. We come back anyway,”

“The point is that you shouldn’t had been in the water in the first place. Why didn’t you call any of us so it didn’t get that bad?”

“Because I can usually handle it. I’m not going to bug y’all every time…every time…” Alfred’s hand went to his heart and a faraway look clouded his eyes, “Give me a sec,” He slid off the log and leaned back against it, carefully controlling how much air got into his lungs.

“You alright?” Matthew asked. He was tempted to check his pulse but he didn’t want to freak him out any further.

“Yeah, just…this…keeps happening,” The two remained silent until Matthew finally saw his brother come back to himself.

“When?”

“Hm?”

“When does it happen? What causes it?”

“If I consider calling gone of you two it flares up and I eventually chill out enough to deal with whatever was making me want to call in the first place. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, and sometimes longer,” He didn’t elaborate on how much longer, so Matthew assumed the time span was enough he would be concerned.

“…Just us two?” Matthew asked.

“Can’t exactly let it get out that the leader of the free world is constantly freaking out over everything,” Alfred huffed out something like a laugh.

“They’re your friends,”

“You and I both know that’s not true,”

“Whatever, just — you can’t let it build up like that. It’s not healthy because then you end up doing something like…yeah,” Not that Matthew would ever show Alfred what was under his sleeves. They were both hypocrites. At least the blades actually helped him.

“What’s so bad about what I did anyway? Beside the crazy hospital bill I was sent,” Alfred sighed, “We’re immortal for some damn reason,”

“Because it’s stressful as fuck to Ivan and I! I have to go into a hospital to make sure you wouldn’t — “

“You didn’t have to — “

“Shut up. You’re my brother, and I don’t like it when my brother almost drowns. What if you didn’t come back? Is that what you really wanted?” People would at least miss Alfred (unlike himself), why the hell was he acting like it wasn’t true?

“It was a fucking flashback, okay?! I didn’t want to die, so stop acting like it. The wave just pushed the hood over my face and I waterboarded myself. No idea on why I have such a hair trigger right now!” Alfred snarled, “And also not my fault you freaked out over it!” Oh he was so fucking infuriating sometimes. The wind picked up with Matthew’s heartbeat and he felt the tide rise with his hackles.

“And if I didn’t go to the hospital, how many people would’ve been hurt as you escaped? Don’t try to tell me you wouldn’t had ended up on the news to get out of there,”

“I’m not a monster, Matt! It would’ve been fine!”

“What was your plan if I didn’t show up? How many walls would you had broken through to reach the exit?”

“If I did do that, I would’ve gone right back to work after replacing my phone in the morning, and I wouldn’t be stuck in your messy ass cabin for god knows how long while my people suffer!”

“Well I’m not letting you go back home when I know you’ll be stressed enough to try it for real! God forbid you get some fresh air and people care about you enough to try and help!” He didn’t like yelling at Alfred, but he didn’t know how else he would listen. The times Matthew had drawn a blade all the way down his forearm didn’t matter because no one was there to notice it. Alfred slowly becoming more attentive to his lapses since he found out about him hiding himself away in the winter. There was a clear difference between the two of their suicidal tendencies right now. Alfred didn’t seem to notice that people would know he was gone. Hell, even the mailman was asking about him! A regular human, not just Nations! Matthew didn’t have anyone besides his brother and Francis; and they didn’t notice if he was missing for a while, laying in a bathtub or creek full of blood. Alfred had so many friends, even if they didn’t want to show it in public; he’d be missed. Maybe that was what Alfred needed — proof that people gave a shit about him that he was clearly blind to for some reason.

Alfred gave a sigh of annoyance before he got up and started walking back. Matthew didn’t want to deal with him throwing a silent hissy fit all the way home, so he just teleported back to the “messy ass” cabin. He opened up his personal, private home to his brother and his partner so he wouldn’t be stressed and kill himself and this was the thanks he got? He didn’t even fully process that he went to a hospital yet. And now he had to arrange other Nations to come here to prove that Alfred had friends. So now the house needed to be deep cleaned. He’ll actually start with the most visible areas — fuck he was going to have to dust because he didn't know how much of a clean freak they would be or if they would leave something behind so he had to catalogue and photograph everything too. He is an unclean person, he wants to be a clean person. He wants to be — no, no, no, that’s not —

“Matthew?”

“What,” He hissed to whoever called his name. The cabin felt hazy as the world piled on top of him.

“I think you should sit down, Matthew,” the voice said. It didn’t sound like Dr. Cameron, but that alone didn’t make him want to comply. Someone else was here, somewhere.

“Something is wrong. You need to sit down, Matthew,” The voice said again.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” He felt a hand on his shoulder force him to the ground after that, turning invisible only provided a sliver of comfort. He tried thinking about what to do next but he couldn’t hold onto his thoughts for more than a second.

“What is wrong?” Everything. The fact that he existed at all. He shouldn’t exist; that’s why he could turn invisible. He should stay like that.

“Bear, go to him,” A moment later he felt soft fur brush his hand and Matthew grabbed Kuma (??) and hugged him close to his chest. Kuma’s (probably?) heart was fast because he was smaller, but it was still probably calmer than his own. He leaned back to lay on the floor, letting the full weight of hopefully-Kuma rest on top of him. Bit by bit it became easier to breathe. The ceiling came into focus and he could start to hear a page turning from somewhere nearby. He finally sat up, cradling Kuma to his chest, and saw Ivan reading a book next to him.

“It was funny, seeing the bear floating,” Ivan said.

“Who are you?” The creature asked.

“Sorry that I wasted your time,” Matthew replied. To both of them, really.

“Would you had cut yourself had the bear or I not intervened?”

“Well, yeah. It usually works pretty well. Sometimes even just getting ready for it chills me out enough. Or I call Alfred, but that’s not really an option right now,”

“Unfortunately not. What happened?”

“Alfred has this weird idea that he doesn’t have any friends anymore, so I was going to call some of his allies over to entertain him and prove him wrong. It just means more cleaning and I…kinda don’t do well with that if you couldn’t tell,” Ivan scooted closer and looked Matthew up and down before slowly undoing his scarf. Matthew didn’t dare move an inch, but he internally cringed at the complex scarring scattered across it.

Well, a deal’s a deal. Guess he mentioned it enough times that Ivan was willing to see the damage. With a sigh, Matthew let go of Kuma and rolled up his sleeves.

“Ugly, isn’t it?” He laughed when Ivan went still, “The only other Nation that knows is Francis,”

“You should tell your brother. I think it would help both of you,”

“Probably just make things worse,”

“How?”

“…It just would somehow,” Ivan took one of his arms and Matthew’s heart jolted. It had been a few decades since someone touched the bare skin there. He pointed at the long, rough scars running down his forearm.

“Was this why you missed some of our games?” Ivan asked.

“Yep,”

“I noticed. I waited for most of the day in the embassy, and then I would search the rinks around your capital,”

“…Oh,” That was unexpected, to say the least. Russia noticed?

“Yes. It was annoying. I challenge you to not do it when it would interfere with our games. Because I would notice. Or at least let me know when you will be killing yourself,” Matthew mentally laughed at the image of texting Ivan of all Nations about that. It was absurd.

“Alright, then text me if you’re gonna hang yourself,”

“Oh, the last time was from my people’s hands, not my own. Let’s clean,”

“You’re right with the hospital. I would’ve hurt anyone who came between me and the door,” Alfred said once he came back, “We’re cleaning again?”

“Matthew — “

“We are. Just to spite you since you called it messy,” He cut Ivan off. He didn’t want to preemptively tell Alfred the plan — it would be better as a surprise. While the couple greeted each other, Matthew snuck away for a moment to text the first Nation on his list: Kiku.

Kiku

: Hey, do you want to come hang with Alfred and I for a day or so? Or a few even if you want ʕ ◕ᴥ◕ ʔ

Kiku: I do not wish to be with America. Could we arrange something else?

: Why?

Kiku: I believe it is obvious

: You two are friends, aren’t you?

Kiku: We are.

: So?

Kiku: I don’t want to be seen with him.

Maybe a different approach was needed.

“I’m gonna run an errand real quick,” Matthew said as he ran by them to go grab his boots. As soon as the door closed he teleported straight to his embassy in Japan.

: Where’re you at?

Kiku: …Why?

Alright, fair question. But he’d run if he knew what was planned.

“Where is Japan?” He asked the officers milling around. They scrambled into action seeing as he didn’t visit them as often.

Kiku: Why are some of my staff asking me where I am?

: Just wanted to ask you something. ʕ◉ᴥ◉ʔ Is that illegal now?

Kiku: You are starting to concern me.

Matthew had to laugh at that. It was funny that the few times he made himself extra visible or even loud that other Nations remembered he and Alfred weren’t really that different.

“W-We found him, sir. He’s in his o-office a few buildings away. Would you l-like us — “

“Yes,” The officers struggled to keep up with his long strides and the employees peeled away from them as fast as they could. He wasn’t mad at Kiku (yet). He was just…curious. Not mad. He simply wanted to talk.

They reached the room a while later and Japan was sitting at his desk with folded hands, accepting his fate.

“Hello, Matthew,” he said in a stilted tone.

“Yeah. Hi,” Matthew towered over him, his 196 centimeter build taking up most of the airspace above the Nation, “Figured I try to ask you in person about my question earlier. Just in case you didn’t want a paper trail,”

“…My answer is the same. I’m sorry,”

“Why,”

“His Boss — “

“Is America his Boss? Are you or I our Bosses?”

“No, but — “

“So what’s the problem?”

“If you let me finish, Canada,” Japan (he’s too pissed to call him Kiku now) took a deep breath, “I don’t know why you’re willing to be near him with such brazen threats to your sovereignty. He is not his Boss but he is his people — and his people put that man in charge again,”

“We represent our people. Alfred still has his own thoughts and feeling and he hates the man. Does that help?” Matthew didn’t want to go in depth about how affected Alfred was without his permission.

“I don’t feel safe on his lands,”

“You’ll be on my territory,”

“Why should I? We all moved away from Germany back when his leaders started acting oddly,”

“Bad example on your part,”

“…Most of us stayed away from him. At least at first,”

“Look,” Matthew sighed, desperate to get through to him. Kiku was one of Alfred’s closest friends and allies. If he was having this much trouble with him, the rest would be toast, “I agree that it feels like he’s heading to the same place. I don’t like it either. But he’s not happy about it and it’s affecting him…pretty badly. He’d appreciate seeing a friend,” There, that wasn’t too much.

“And the rest of the world is feeling the effects. I won’t change my answer, and for your own safety I hope you join us soon,” Matthew narrowed his eyes but accepted defeat. He left without another word and his diplomat followed close behind.

He schooled the disappointment off his face before he entered the cabin again.

Ivan went back home soon after, hesitant to leave Alfred but wary that his Boss would start to get nosy about where he was. Matthew knew he’d seen him in a week for their game, but now he was stuck trying to entertain Alfred alone. He promised it would be until the shutdown ended, but it was getting difficult. He needed reinforcements, so almost every day he was “running errands” or “going to work” when he was really busting down the door of every Nation he thought were Alfred’s friends.

Not a single one agreed to stay over, even just for a meal.

Eventually, it go tot he point where his Prime Minister called him into the office.

“Have you been alright, Canada?” Mark asked, “You haven't been around much as of late,”

“I’ve been fine,” Matthew sighed, settling into a chair, “Some family issues just cropped up, that’s all,”

“Your brother, I’m guessing? Surprised you’re still being so friendly with him,”

“Well when someone you care about drowns in a river he walked into, you tend to drop everything and help,” He replied, “And Alfred himself hates everything going on. You saw him at the General Assembly,”

“I know, it just makes me nervous. How long do you think you’ll be out?”

“He’s staying with me until the shutdown is over so he doesn’t try to kill himself from stress again,” Mark ran his hands down his face and really looked at Canada.

“I see you’re not going to budge on this,”

“No,”

“Just check your email every once and a while, at least,”

Even Francis led no where. It was his best lead yet but he just…ghosted him in the end.

The only break in routine was Halloween approaching; a fun last hurrah before winter gripped the town. He even splurged and got a bunch of fabric for them to make the costumes themselves. Alfred’s eyes lit up at the idea and they got to work once Matthew threw on a TV show.

After what seemed to be a peaceful hour or so as they watched, Alfred suddenly threw the costume down and stormed out of the room. Matthew heard the door leading outside slam shut and paused the TV, picking up the fabric after. There were small specks of blood littered all over near the seams and the tip of the needle was stained red. Alfred apparently hadn’t been having as good of a time as he thought. He grabbed the first aid kit again (restocked properly to prepare for his winter mindset) and ran out the door.

There was no sign of him outside the house, but there were footprints through the slight snowfall. Matthew followed Alfred’s path through the forest until he felt the ground start to shake. Starting to run, he eventually found Alfred near a stream, his fists breaking the rocks on the riverbed.

“Whoa, fucking relax, Alfred,” Matthew pulled his shoulder back so his fist wouldn’t collide with the ground again, knowing damn well it would be impossible to actually stop his arms. Alfred paused and looked up at him with rage in his eyes, but Matthew stood his ground. His brother was strong, but they were on his lands. He could feel the treetops almost leaning toward them to feel what was happening and the wildlife seemed to stand still.

Alfred’s fists were red and bloody, the soil and rocks painted the same color. He was still sucking in breathes between bared teeth as Matthew got down on his knees in front of him to inspect his hands. They were shaking up a storm, but Alfred let him hold them while he opened the first aid kit.

“Fucking look how pathetic they are,” Alfred hissed, “Can’t write, can’t type, can’t eat, can’t draw, can’t drink, can’t hold a damn needle,” Matthew guided them into the river to clean them off and he felt Alfred’s pulse racing against his palm.

“When did this start? I don’t remember you having this tremor before…” Matthew asked.

“November, when he — I don’t know if it’s a stress response or what but it’s been here since the election and it’s just gotten worse since then. And now I can’t — it sucks. It sucks and sucks and sucks and I hate it and — “

“Can I patch them up?”

“…If you can hold them still for that long, then I guess. Why do you have a kit, anyway?” The newest cuts on his arm itched under the fabric and he knew. He knew that if Alfred did this, it was probable that he had hurt himself some other way too. That he would understand. He walked into a river, willingly. He hd all those scars on his scalp. He would get it.

“Alright, don’t answer then, damn,” His heart still sank into his stomach at the thought of saying it out loud. It was his little secret stress reliever, and once he knew Alfred would want to be the hero and step in to stop it. He bandaged the cuts and scrapes on his hand and walked him back inside.

They finished the costumes just in time to greet the trick or treaters.

It was a week into November and the shutdown still wasn’t. Fucking. Over.

He loved his brother, but he felt more and more anxious as Alfred stayed for longer. It was more the fact that anyone was in his house for this long, especially with his mental health taking a dip as the sun stayed below the horizon for longer. He just wanted to hide away (besides the hockey games…mostly) but he couldn’t because someone was here.

Kind of.

And that just pissed him off more.

Since November started, Alfred had been taking long hikes through the wilderness surrounding La Ronge. He even popped down to one of the stores in town to grab a map so Matthew didn’t have that excuse to follow him. He let it go at first, Alfred wasn’t accustom to stay inside for so long like he was. But he started staying out later. And later. Matthew almost liked it at the start since it let him zone out and hide in his Depression Cave (all the work cleaning was slowly but surely going out the window), only to be scared shitless when Alfred burst in with food later. Now though…it felt like he was out for too long. They were Nations, they couldn’t die, yet winter hurt the same.

This time, it was way too late for him to be out, even compared to his more recent excursions. Matthew kept thinking back to what Ivan said about removing the Heart. What if Alfred did that and was drifting down a frozen river somewhere? And then everyone would blame him for not looking after him close enough. And then he would only have Francis to bother when he wanted to slice all the way down his forearm and to the bone. Ivan said to tell him as well, but Matthew didn’t believe that for a second.

He had to find him.

Matthew brought his head under the covers and closed his eyes, isolating himself from the room around him. He let the immediate world fade away and tethered himself closer to the land. There was a bird near his window on the spruce, but of course Alfred wasn’t just outside the cabin. He let his sense of self melt away as he reached further into his lands. The rocks, the streams, the flora and fauna, the people scattered between. He could probably get to Calgary if he let it go on for long enough.

But now Alfred. No America.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck where the fuck was he? Was he dead this time? It was getting hard to breathe and he didn’t know if it was from being under the blankets for so long or the panic filling his lungs like glacial water. He would just hold his breathe then; he couldn’t let go of the hold on the Earth below him. Was it just that their magic was so close they blended together? Why couldn’t he find him? That had to be the explanation; he couldn’t be dead, he couldn’t —

The covers were ripped off of him and Matthew came back to his body gasping for air. He saw his brother hovering above him and felt tears spring to his eyes with relief.

“You good? It started storming a lot while I was out — “

“Where the hell where you!?” Matthew pulled Alfred onto the bed and trapped him under the covers. A small mistake given he was apparently soaked (oh Jesus Murphy he walked in again, didn’t he), but he was here and safe and not going anywhere. He did his job.

“Just breath, Matt. I’m here now, I’m sorry. Can you let go of me so I can change?” Why would he let go if he’s just going to run away again? He can’t he can’t no no no no Alfred was pulling away why isn’t he ever enough?

“I’m right here, I just threw on some of your pajamas, that’s all. They’re so big on me it’s almost comical. Can I grab a towel from the bathroom?” NO “Never mind, looks like that freaked you out more. I’ll use the clothes here instead,” Alfred crawled back in, a layer of clothes now between him and the damp bedsheets. Stay here. Just fucking stay here where he’s safe.

The world slowly went dark after that, the exhaustion of the day taking him out.

Twin

Twin: Thanks for letting me stay over, bro!

Twin: I don’t wanna stress u out anymore, so I went back home

Twin: Shutdown should be over soon anyway.

Twin: Thanks again!

He failed.

He was supposed to —

Fuck.

What a pathetic excuse for family. For a Nation.

The blade pierced his forearms with ease, gliding down the bone as he laid in the tub.

By the time he looked at clock again, the shutdown had ended.