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“Beauty queen of only 18; she had some trouble with herself...”
It was still December 24 in Japan, and Utahime had a sake bottle and two cups with her as she patiently waited outside Shoko's infirmary.
“I told you to not become like them, isn't that right, Shoko? It might make me a selfish woman, but I'm happy you are here with me, alive," thought Utahime as she recalled the countless prayers she made every year for life to not take Shoko away from her. Utahime knows that she was wrong, knows that by doing this, she could've cursed Shoko, but she had faith that they would both make it through; she had to hold on to hope if she wanted to continue fighting. The thought of her retired life next to Shoko soothed her mind every night.
“...I don’t mind spending every day; out of the corner in the pouring rain”
Utahime waited for hours until that door finally opened. She didn't see Shoko, only heard a loud "click" and knew this was her friend letting her in. As Utahime entered the infirmary, she noticed Shoko had cleaned everything except herself. Shoko stood there, in the middle of the infirmary, covered in blood, with a sad, empty look. Utahime knew right then that she was losing her.
“Look for the girl with the broken smile, and ask her if she wants to stay a while"
Maybe there were scars that could never be healed, even for someone like Shoko, who is one of the few able to use the reverse curse technique. But Shoko was never alone. For twelve years, Utahime was always there to remind her of who she was. Shoko thinks it’s a stupid concept to worry for a healer, but in this case, Utahime was always happy to be the fool. During their drunk college nights, Utahime used to tell her that smoking was Shoko's way of harming herself for her inability to voice her frustrations, and while Shoko always pretended not to listen, deep down she knew her senpai could always see right through her.
“And she will be loved; and she will be loved”
The truth is, Shoko sometimes felt like a fish swimming in the vast ocean. Her friends seemed larger than life; with their ideals and egos, they didn't care about who they were hurting or the consequences of their decisions, which often fell on her. Before Gojo learned to use RCT, his recklessness was a burden for Shoko. Then Geto defected, and she realized she couldn't point fingers at others because she, too, had fallen into the trap of maturing too early and failed to see the signs. She thought of Gojo and Geto as sharks, while she felt like a small fish, constantly trying to swim (survive) through every minute of the day. After witnessing so many dead bodies since she was fifteen, Shoko sometimes forgot how the living were meant to act.
“Tap on my window, knock on my door; I wanna make you feel beautiful”
Yet, for twelve years, Shoko always woke up to a text message from her senpai. Sometimes the
texts were as simple as just a “good morning." Sometimes Utahime would send her weekly plans, or she would complain about how the clans treated her students, especially the Zenin kid in her class called "Mai." Moments like these made Shoko feel warm, as if, despite spending more time with dead bodies than living human beings, she still had someone to call home. And that even when she wasn’t using her “technique”, someone still cared for her. But Shoko never replied to those messages. All Utahime could see was "read." She never stopped sending them, though. Sometimes when Shoko visited her place in Wakayama, Shoko mentioned bits of Utahime’s routine or brought beauty oils and stuff she said through the texts, so despite feeling like she was messaging a blocked number, Utahime decided to keep doing this to continue grounding her friend during her busy work life. After the fifth year or so, Utahime grew accustomed to “their way” of communicating. It all started with a pink flip phone in 2006, and twelve years later, Utahime still carried it around just to message Shoko. Utahime didn’t care if Shoko didn’t cry after losing a comrade; she didn’t care if Shoko didn’t have an opportunity to change her work clothes before going out for a drink. None of these factors mattered to her. She simply enjoyed shoko for who she was. Shoko thinks Utahime was like a delicate flower born in a cemetery. Surrounded by death, she still found a way to bloom.
Looking at Gojo's body and Geto's head, Shoko was reminded of the moment she understood the harsh truth about jujutsu society: that no one cared for those who weren’t loudly strong. It's not that you don't exist to them, but more so that your existence becomes almost like a joke. “Why keep trying, if you will, never to be like them?" Shoko remembered Nanami's harsh words after Haibara was declared dead.
“I know I tend to get so insecure; doesn't matter anymore”
Shoko couldn’t help but smile as she thought of what Utahime once said about it: "Thinking like this is nonsense and pathetic. I am alive and I'm breathing, so I will fight to exist in this world.” Utahime looked so brave with blood coming down her face while Shoko desperately tried to heal her scar. Shoko couldn’t find the words to say, but she wanted to follow her forever; even if she were leading her to her death, it’s a place she would happily go if Utahime were going with her.
“Am I selfish for thinking this?" Shoko questioned her thoughts out loud.
“What are you mumbling about, Shoko?” -Utahime said as Shoko heard the “clink” of the sake bottle hitting the table.
“Utahime-senpai, you shouldn’t come to a place like this right now…”
“I don’t have time to play games with you tonight, Shoko. The world was about to end 4 hours ago; I don’t care if you are soaked in blood or crashing out. I want to be near you, and you will have to fight me if you want me to leave," said Utahime as she poured the sake into two cups. -“But I’d rather drink in silence with you.”
“It’s not always rainbows and butterflies; it's compromises that moves us along, yeah”
Perhaps Shoko could learn to find purpose in living with Utahime by her side. Utahime was so much more than just a friend. She’s someone who is filled with life; she loves watching sports, singing, making people laugh, and helping them forget they are mere pawns in a game of power. If Utahime is "life," then Shoko just realized how addictive “life” can be.
“Fine by me, but you know one bottle won’t be enough," Shoko said, although her gaze once again followed the stitches on Gojo's head. She did that. Shoko really cut her friend’s head in half, removed his brain, and allowed someone else to use it as a weapon.
“I have 4 bottles here and two in the back room; don’t think this is my first rodeo, Miss Ieiri" Utahime said as she approached Shoko to give her her sake cup. Their hands touched for a brief moment, but that was enough for the blood in Shoko's hand to stain her white shirt and right hand.
“I’m sorry, senpai. I should clean myself and-“
“No, Shoko." Utahime said, “You are not cleaning anything. You and I are going to drink four bottles of sake in this room filled with the dead bodies of our old comrades. Nanami’s ashes are here, Gojo's body is here, Geto's head is here, and well, Haibara's soul has always been hunting us since 2007. So all we are going to do tonight is drink and accept this situation as it is."
“Senpai… this is crazy. We don’t have to do that."
“We don’t have to, but if we don’t, then who will? Who will handle this, Shoko? We don’t have any “adult” to turn to; unlike our students, we can’t just sleep it off and wake up to a better world. We only have each other, Shoko. We are going to drink tonight; we are going to honor our comrades, and tomorrow it’s YOU who will cremate their bodies and put them to rest, and it’s ME who will guide the students and check Tengen's barrier. There are things that we want to do and things we must do, like celebrating our comrades' lives while also fulfilling our responsibilities to honor their memory. I want to drink sake; you have to grieve. We must compromise."
Shoko was left speechless. Utahime was “life itself”; raw, crude, hopelessly hopeless, but necessary. Out of all her classmates, Shoko was the only one alive, but Utahime (“life”) was there with her. Shoko, who never believed in the afterlife or things like that, would be a fool not to live life (“Utahime") to the fullest.
“My heart is full and my door’s always open; you can come any time you want, yeah”
The sake burned Shoko’s throat as an image invaded her troublesome mind. Shoko isn’t really into sports, but she never turned down invitations to accompany Utahime to watch her favorite team's baseball games. Shoko stares at her Geto’s head; she knows that if she closes her eyes, the images of Utahime singing during one of their karaoke nights will fill her mind. Such a beautiful voice, a voice singing “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 with pure emotion. Shoko closed her eyes as memories of her youth alongside Utahime flooded her brain; memories of her and Utahime biking, all the times they met during the Goodwill Event, her high school graduation. Shoko was so lucky to find love and friendship in one person. It was truly fascinating how Utahime could find satisfaction in the small things in life, and for twelve years, Utahime always chose Shoko, texting her every day.
“I don’t mind spending every day out on your conner in the pouring rain”
But Shoko never replied. Almost 4,380 days that she got to take Utahimes’s love selfishly, without having to give anything back. On December 24, 2018, the sorcerers could’ve lost, Utahime could’ve died after helping at the beginning of the fight, and Shoko would’ve never seen Utahime smiling at her like she was the only thing in the room. Or Shoko could’ve been a target if the sorcerers hadn’t taken care of Kenjaku; so many things could’ve happened, but none of the details mattered now. The battle ended hours ago; now it was time to start picking up the broken pieces to rewrite their history.
Shoko opened her eyes and smiled, her eyes falling on a very drunk Utahime, who started to blush when their gazes met. She looked too cute for someone who just said she wanted to spend the night surrounded by dead bodies and a bloody friend. Once Shoko realized Utahime was "life" and there was no better place to be than by Utahime's side, she decided this hot and cold game had been going for too long, and that only one side was getting hurt.
“Look for the girl with the broken smile; Ask her if she wants to stay a while”
“Utahime, where’s your pink phone?” - Shoko said suddenly.
"Shoko, you are looking red. Are you sure you can handle your sake? Are you growing weaker, or am I handling alcohol better than Miss Ieiri~~~?" Utahime said playfully singing and laughing. Shoko understood she was deflecting the conversation. It must’ve hurt her to keep texting Shoko for twelve years with no reply. Shoko cursed herself for ever making Utahime doubt what she meant to her.
“Utahime-senpai, please answer me. Where is your pink flip phone? I know we never talked about this, but please answer me now."
Utahime looked like she was going to combust; she was red, her vein was popping, and Shoko could tell she was angry. Silence fell in the room. Utahime finished off her sake and threw the sake cup across the room. Her glasses shattered, like Utahime's heart did every day for the past twelve years.
“You don’t get to talk about this situation right now just because you want to. Keep pretending you never saw anything, and I will keep pretending you don’t know about it. Don’t bring up the past on a night like this, Shoko. Not now." - Utahime’s voice was shaky; Shoko felt so stupid. She felt fear of losing Utahime for the first time. “I know your… things and your problem with opening up; I never asked you anything else, never asked you for more, so don’t do this to me tonight," Utahime concluded with a shaky voice.
Shoko sighed. She understood in that moment that she would have to show Utahime how much she meant to her every day for the rest of her life because her younger self was so stupid and selfish. But it would all be worth it. So Shoko did the first thing that came to her mind; she walked to her table, opened the drawer, and grabbed her old grey flip phone, which was now covered in cold blood, and started to type a message. The room was silent, but Shoko could hear Utahime sniffing, and she sipped more sake from Shoko's cup. She blamed her teen and adult self.
“For someone who used to always call those two idiots, I was just as stupid!” - Thought of Shoko as she pressed "send." Soon Utahime's pink flip phone had a text notification.
“She will be loved…”
The message said, “Utahime-senpai, let me take you on a date."
“A DATE?? "Do you think this is funny, Shoko?" Utahime replied, shocked.
Shoko realized she wasn’t taking her text seriously. And quite frankly, why would she? It was her first reply ever.
"Yes, Utahime. A real date, with dinner and… uh, everything else too." Shoko replied with a faint smile. She probably looked so funny, wearing her work clothes, covered in blood, worn out, and holding a 2006 flip phone. Shoko was nervous, and before she knew it, she started to ramble, too scared to hear Utahime’s reply-
"But you need to wear your best ribbon. I really like the blue one you wore when we went to watch the Saitama Seibu Lions finals last year. You looked really pretty in that…and those white pants, and the baggy Saitama Seibu Lions shirt, and uh, your baseball hat with the blue ribbon on top of your braids," she rambled, reminiscing how Utahime looked like a dream, holding both of their beers while shouting fun facts about her team. Utahime, on the other hand, looked pale.
“~~And your cute Sanrio socks.” - Shoko added.
“Oi, Shoko, watch your tone!! How are you making my heart beat so fast while making fun of my lucky socks?!!” Utahime replied, a faint blush creeping onto her cheeks. “We’ve known each other for more than a decade… "Don't you think it’s weird for us to go out like that?” she said, staring at Shoko with her big brown eyes. Shoko could lose track of time just by looking at her, but she noticed how insecure Utahime sounded.
“Nothing would be weird if it’s with you.” - Shoko replied. - “It’s my fault you thought your feelings were one-sided, but I want to make it right with you. Nothing has to change."
“I’m not gonna date you if you don’t try to communicate. I can’t wait another 12 years for you to decide I’m enough-“
“I know where you hide, alone in your; know all of the things that make you who you are”
“You have always been enough. If I was able to continue seeing the beauty in life, it was because of our friendship. Otherwise I would’ve rotted or collapsed my lungs.” - Shoko said as she walked closer to Utahime. "Nothing would feel strange if I were with you, senpai."
“I do want to go out with you. I was just a little shocked considering the situation. We're in right now." - Utahime said, pointing at Shoko. Shoko pouted. - “Your clothes are still covered with blood, and you look as if you slayed a hundred beasts. And you smell like cigarettes and sake." She added, making a teasing face of disgust. Shoko smirked. “Are you secretly a gang member, Shoko?” Utahime was now just playfully teasing her; she would blame the alcohol for it tomorrow when she remembered this conversation.
"I would slay a hundred men if it were for you, Utahime-senpai," Shoko replied with a smirk, but when she saw Utahime blushing, she decided to tease her more. “Guess I’m a bad girl, aren't I, senpai?” she said, lighting a cigarette. She didn’t even feel like smoking, but she was now committed to the bit.
“We are going to talk more about this tomorrow; you know how I am with planning and how I don’t take things like this." Utahime pointed at Shoko and then herself. "Lightly."
Shoko didn't lie when she said she could slay a hundred men for Utahime. Only a fool would ever make this woman feel upset when she looked so beautiful when she was flustered. She would set the world on fire before ever upsetting Utahime again. The thought of her possibly losing Utahime earlier made Shoko’s heart beat fast. The emotional weight of the day finally hit Shoko, she spent hours trying to hold herself together, and now she was finally in the presence of the person she considers her “home” was right in front of her.
“I know that goodbye means nothing at all; Comes back and makes me catch her every time she falls, yeah”
"Senpai..." Shoko said, twirling her hair and blowing out smoke, with a pout. “I think I need a hug.”
Utahime ran to hug her, and Shoko crumbled onto her, sobbing and sobbing non-stop. It wasn’t until minutes later that she realized the reason why her bra felt wet was because of her tears.
“I’m- sorry-… I know this is not very romantic, you know, consoling me in the middle of the night surrounded by dead corpses, cigarette ashes, alcohol, and blood. I know I keep messing up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, hime. I’m sorry.” - Shoko said as she held Utahime's clothes tightly.
“Tap on my window, knock on my door I wanna make you feel beautiful”
“Don’t apologize for relying on me; you are not alone, Shoko. You never were, never.” - Utahime said, caressing her face. The blood that was once only in Shoko's hands was now all over Utahime, and the more she caressed Shoko's face, the more it smeared it all over. It was truly a scene straight out of a horror movie, but the reality was that… "We are jujutsu sorcerers. This is the most romantic it can get" Utahime said, laughing.
“You are probably right, senpai…” - Shoko sniffed, inhaling the smell of Utahime's fragrance, the smell of home.
“I don’t mind spending every day; Out of the corner in the pouring rain”
“You know, Shoko, this reminds me of that one mission I went missing on with Mei Mei for two days, and you consoled me when I was crying.”
“I was so worried about you… I thought I lost you for a second."
“You were my prince in shining armor, saving me from those two brutes!" Utahime said, “Now they get to be insufferable in the afterlife, I guess."
Shoko smiled; she didn’t believe in the afterlife, but Utahime's words brought her comfort. The funny image of Gojo and Geto arguing over which way to go, heaven or hell, came to Shoko's mind, and she laughed out loud. Utahime also joined, and suddenly they were two adult women laughing in an infirmary after almost dying by the hand of the king of curses. Nothing felt real, and yet it was. They survived, and now they get to write their stories.
“Look for the girl with the broken smile; Ask her if she wants to stay a while”
After a long silence, Utahime said, "I will wear the blue ribbon, but you will need to wear a matching blue shirt. If you plan to date me, you’ll have to start doing the silly things I like without complaining.”
“She will be loved…”
Shoko knows she probably looks foolish right now. Utahime just said she would go on a date with
her and suggested they match outfits. For a moment, she almost forgot the day, place, and circumstances they were in. Nothing seemed to matter when she was in Utahime's presence. Life felt so much lighter with her friend. Shoko knew she still had to bury her two classmates in the morning and look after nearly every sorcerer who survived the fight against Sukuna, but tonight, she was going to enjoy a drink after a long day with her favorite person. And next Friday, she will take Utahime out for dinner. And just like that, things didn’t feel as heavy as it once did. Shoko was ready to start living life (“Utahime”) for herself again.