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A face not even God could love, at least not enough to draw with his right hand.
She was a good student, never sinful, never unholy. How could the people around her not extend the same love they preach so sacredly?
How has she never heard the words 'I love you' said with heart and soul?
"Gira, will you come with us today? We planned to stroll around town, like last week. I'd enjoy your company.", Akuruhi inquired, the girl rarely smiled. Gira looked at her countless band-aids, giving her a quick once-over before shaking her head lightly, "Not today, perhaps another day and time?", is what she said each time, this time as well. Akuruhi barely hid the hurt in her eyes but nodded, answering in a friendly tone of voice: "That's okay, you have to talk with our teachers once again, correct?", she sighed, "Your manners cannot become any more refined- I don't-",understand but she didn't like to argue, it wasn't Gira's fault after all, who still looked at Akuruhi with a neutral expression. "Have a good day, then. I- I'll tell you about what we saw later, if you want to hear it. Stay safe.", Akuruhi turned around, sparing multiple glances back at the almost unhealthily pale girl.
So Gira sat there, on a bench on the school's grounds. The early spring morning was cold. It wouldn't feel any warmer with someone beside her, Gira thought. Why couldn't she give up her desire to be loved already? So many years of living and not a single soul deemed her worthy of love. She knew Akuruhi was her friend, but what the two had, she did not even consider platonic love. When she looked up, wispy clouds rushed by, she'd have to go to an excessive class of 'manners' once more in a few minutes, Akuruhi had guessed correctly. Is this how I have to compensate for my unsightliness? Not even the church's angel statues across the street seemed to consider her. Is this scar truly unlovable? She dwelled quite a lot on these thoughts throughout her life. Why do I keep asking myself this question, the answer lies right before me.
Singing, preaching, praying, studying, manners, what kind of God wanted her to do this everyday. No, don't judge the Gods or whatever deity bestowed this upon me. It wasn't them who made her suffer, surely humans should've had enough heart, to offer even the tiniest bit of love for her?
Before she knew it, the spare minutes she used to think, had passed.
"Stand up-right, you're such a good student, your fellow students should be more appreciative of you spending your time with them," — What a wonderful world. It sounded like hypocrisy without a doubt. How was she supposed to be appreciated when everyone held prejudice against her for her scar and for being supervised by the same teachers that told her these exact sentences all the time?
So she walked through the corridors that evening, a familiar hollow feeling settling in her chest. The statues seemed to mock her. Children’s faces, those angels possess, no scrab or scab, marble worked into perfection.
Through her steps, she heard whispers, rumors, ridicule. Hollowness is easy to attack, since nobody defends an empty place unless there is something of value in it. And though it seems useless to attack something seemingly empty at first, like a waste of time, fun is not a waste of time to those indulging in it. Nobody considers fun as a waste of time inherently. We all just hope this ‘fun’ is derived from normal and harmless actions.
Her peers' actions figured.
Apathy is similar; she could pretend all she wanted to, act on those faux emotions, until her throat felt as if something strangled her. She knew her own truth.
Idiocy. Just hearsay.
Most fellow students simply avoided her. Spreading gossip wasn’t holy either so the avoidance figured. Yet some talk was still inevitable.
These hallways felt crowded even while devoid of life. How could they not, each and every marble face reminded her of her own short-comings. She was human, so were those around her.
So why did their faces not resemble those of humans, was her sight screwed as well now? They looked manufactured, the perfection that was praised.
She looked down at herself.
Black, covering fabric, concealing any other blemishes, how fortunate. The school uniform at the very least was enforced onto everyone.
There is the room. Focus, stop these useless thoughts. Hand to the door knob, push the door open…
Day's passed and she hadn't had time for Akuruhi, ushered from place to place by teachers and errands. So when she finally did have time for her, Akuruhi had gathered a new bruise and a new scratch. "Akuruhi...", Gira could barely muster up a sigh, Akuruhi looked down while talking about the past days. The guilt on her face subsiding with each step as they walked towards the school's infirmary, getting plasters anew and then settling down on the stairs in front of the school.
“We saw a lot of pure white doves”, Akuruhi continued, “I even found a feather on the ground, but while trying to sneak it inside a friend of mine told on me. I had sworn that I'd clean it but he said it would still be gross. I’ll try to show you one next time! The doves were really cute.”
Gira silently listened to Akuruhi talk, although only with one ear, while placing the plasters on Akuruhi's arm. She'll one day end up like me if this goes on, she silently thought to herself, may your protector do better work in the future, a little humor added to the already meek tone of thought felt light on her shoulders for once, if only the feeling lasted for longer.
Those passing by weren’t as kind as the girl in front of her, The mocking expressions told her enough, the minority that did gossip had enough decency to make it obvious, albeit unintentionally. Why do I even grace them by saying they have decency in that regard?
Akuruhi leaned into Gira’s direct field of view to get her attention back.
"So will you come with us next time?", Akuruhi looked hopeful. Gira considered the offer for a longer while than usual. "I don't think your acquaintances would be fond of being seen with me," she conceded, indirectly looking at the few people walking down the steps behind Akuruhi once more.
We both know this won’t work out.
Akuruhi's expression spoke of disappointment, "So how about we walk alone? Under the guise of you helping me with... let's say math?- I know it's deceptive but-" If the headmistress finds out we would surely get detention. What would the two even talk about? Gira had nothing on her mind but complaints about the people around her and humanity itself. About her studies maybe? Akuruhi must be tired of doing all the talking. Akuruhi meanwhile waited patiently for an answer, rubbing a hand over the new plaster.
"I'll ask if I may...", Gira eventually replied, her lack of excitement brushing past Akuruhi swiftly, whose eyes lit up as if she saw fireworks for the first time, "Really? You'll ask?". "I will, I am guessing they want to know where to, however. With whom, what time, what day, how long, what we will do-", when she was cut off by Akuruhi excitedly holding her hands "That won't be a problem, they can't deny you a walk close to the school with another student, can they?". Gira, still slightly startled, replied after retracting her hands, "If your record doesn't keep track of your bruises, it most likely won't be a problem."
Where is she…?
Gira must’ve gotten tangled in another errand again, a lecture?
I’ll wait, I have time.
The hours could not have passed any slower, eternity have mercy on her.
Perhaps she mismatched today and tomorrow.
I have just as much time tomorrow as today.
The stroll never happened.
Gira was used to it. The isolation felt the same as it had before. Akuruhi will be fine.
There a correction, a reprimand. The thoughts and doubts stayed, why would they not?
“Ugly, unsightly, hideous, repulsing, an eyesore.” said derisively.
“You could try to cover it up one day, not only you would benefit from it,” said with pity.
An abject place with horrible people.
She was barely allowed to study beside other students anymore. Asking what her teachers’ plan was would be futile, adults loved to twist the truth in front of children. 'Children were too innocent and pure to understand the intricacies of adults' decisions.'
But we are supposed to understand and follow the divine? Any being, divine or not, failed me in one way or another. Who’s fault is all of this? Mine? The world’s? You cannot make me hate myself as much as you want me to. Despite my own mind's conviction, and yours, either hand of God is divine.
I can't do this for much longer.
And so she walked to her next class.
Surely one day her actions would become as defiant as her mind.
Akuruhi tried reaching out to Gira more than a hundred times, only to be torn away by friends or Gira being led away by teachers. If that wasn’t the case, she’d wait, making up childish excuses on Gira’s behalf, even when the 2 stood close at assemblies and Gira wouldn’t spare a glance at her. She knew Gira would not simply stop talking to her if she had made a mistake, that wasn’t an excuse Akuruhi made for Gira, it was a fact she would defend with all she had.
Her friends noticed, students in general did, how this pathetic girl would wait for someone, everyone already knew of, would most likely never talk to her again.
When her friends started talking less to her, nobody had any more reason not to start whispers about her too. She didn’t even defend herself when confronted with the rumors, nobody ever told her before it is wrong to be fond of a friend dearly. Or to wait. Patience was a virtue, was it not?
She didn’t obsess over Gira, her waiting for Gira didn’t interfere with her studies, her life, then why was it a problem still?
I don’t understand-
What did I do wrong?
You wanted her to be loved,
you said- you said we should be happy for Gira to be around, even if only in off handed comments!
Doesn’t that show you I am listening to what you say as well?
Why are YOU yelling at me?-
What did I do wrong?...
Akuruhi should have let her heart speak to Gira, disregarding her mind for once in her presence, not right now- not when she grasped that what she felt was considered wrong by others for reasons unknown to her.
Shall the Gods deem me sinful, why was it wrong to love, especially the ones universally unloved?
She had even made the effort to conceal her feelings for the sake of Gira not getting involved in even more situations unfit her ‘position’. Nobody gave her clear reasons as to why what she did was wrong either, some said one thing others something entirely different.
They couldn’t even leave me the portrait. Not in pieces, not at all. What have I done so wrong that they had to react that way? Didn’t they always wish for someone to like her, even under her circumstances? Why are they treating me like I’ve done irreversible wrongdoings?
What did I do wrong? Why can’t I stop sobbing?
A dream upon another, countless scenarios of her speaking out the one thing Gira needed to hear desperately. No amount of effort would “pray” it out of her. Even if she got rejected, she didn't consider those dreams nightmares, Gira was told she was loved, what more did Akuruhi want? Even if her own feelings weren't reciprocated, Gira would finally know she's loveable.
Each tear shed for her friend was worth it to her, each new bruise ‘because she tripped’, each verbal berating, each night, each shimmer of an opportunity kept her going. This cannot be the last smile she saw from Gira.
She'll be happy. How ever she'll achieve happiness, she will achieve it. At least her hatred and shame will disappear. By force or not, please, let her be herself. Let her be loved. Let her love herself.
A movie? A painting? A book? A song? Or 4? 10? 24? Until anything reaches her in the future.
Until she is sick of the words 'I love you' like everyone else…
I love you.
The words “I love you” held no meaning anymore, spoken so frequently by others. Yet the slim chance of Gira hearing Akuruhi say it, even if not directly to her face, was enough for Akuruhi.
I love you. Even if you don’t care, even if it’s not the correct kind of love.
I love you.
Even if it takes eternity, even if I have to yell up to you from hell to heaven, even if I have to find you in new lives.
Even if the Gods don’t want me to, I am sorry-.
I love you