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Nancy is avoiding her.
Robin notices it right away. They had been getting closer. Ever since deciding they were officially friends, they had been making an effort to spend time together occasionally. Movie nights. Phone calls. The occasional walk or drive.
It had been nice for both of them to have a friend again.
Now, though, Nancy won’t look directly at her for more than a few seconds.
She stops smiling any time she sees her.
She finds an excuse to move to the other side of the room anytime Robin comes near.
She doesn’t call Robin or take her calls.
She doesn’t make plans.
Robin spends the first week trying to figure out what she did wrong. She stops talking as much during group events. She stops asking so many questions. She keeps her fidgeting to a minimum.
Nancy’s posture only stiffens.
Her face flushes and closes off.
Her words sharpen.
And sometimes, sometimes, Robin will catch her staring at her. It’s not often, but it’s enough. She always has the same look on her face and Robin can’t quite read it. Calculated. Heated.
She looks away anytime Robin catches her.
When it continues into week two, Robin stops just being confused and hurt, and moves into real fear.
She doesn’t know what she did wrong to make Nancy suddenly hate her so much.
She doesn’t know what could have caused it.
She doesn’t understand why Nancy wouldn’t have at least talked to her about it.
She replays everything they did together for the last two months, every conversation they had, over and over again in her head. Nothing jumps out at her, which means there are only two things that could have caused Nancy’s change.
Either A) Robin did something that big without noticing Nancy’s reaction to it, which is terrifying not just in its implications related to Nancy, but also in relation to all of her relationships. What else could she be screwing up this massively without realizing?
Or B) Nancy learned something about Robin that made her hate her, and there’s only two secrets that Robin’s been keeping from her that would qualify for this kind of scorn. Robin’s gay. And Robin’s in love with Nancy. And whether it’s either or both, if Nancy found out then it would be no wonder why she’s suddenly so enraged by her presence. She’d probably be disgusted by her very existence.
So, Robin puts all of her hope into it being option A. While she doesn’t love the implications of her missing a social faux-pas that massive, it’s definitely better than the alternative.
Definitely better.
In week three they get paired up together to do something for the party.
Nancy tries to object immediately, practically demanding to go alone or take someone, anyone, else.
Robin also tries to talk her way out of it, rambling and babbling until the whole room is staring at her with frustrated, sharp looks, not just Nancy.
In the end, it only makes sense for them to go, so they go.
It’s not that big. Another research project, this time in the basement of some old store where some old files have been stashed.
It’s dark and quiet and stuffy, and Robin’s heart pounds in her throat the entire time. She spends so much time biting her tongue to keep herself quiet that it actually bleeds a little.
Nancy’s the sharpest she’s been yet.
Stiff.
Angry.
Dark.
Anytime Robin so much as moves, Nancy shoots her a withering stare that burns down to her bones.
Robin makes it about an hour and a half before the desperate words finally crawl their way up her throat and into the air between them.
“Nance? Did I- did I maybe do something to upset you?”
Nancy cuts her a dark look and the whole situation is both so reminiscent of that first time at the library, and also so much worse, that Robin almost wants to laugh.
She doesn’t though, obviously. She doesn’t want Nancy to actually kill her down here in this dingy basement.
“Just search your boxes so we can be done,” Nancy snaps.
Robin bites the inside of her lip this time and forces herself to face Nancy. “It’s just- it seems like something changed between us. I thought- I thought we were friends, right? But now…”
“If you would stop talking for five seconds then maybe we could actually get something done and get out of here!” Nancy cuts her off. It’s not quite a yell, but the harsh, dangerous tone slices into the meat of Robin’s heart like a scalpel.
She bites her tongue.
She turns to her boxes.
She doesn’t say another word the entire time.
Nancy goes back to avoiding her after that.
The look on her face anytime Robin catches her staring only gets darker and more confusing.
Robin’s mind wastes no time in trying to convince her of what she could have done wrong to cause this.
Every option falls short of this kind of reaction, though.
Option B starts to feel like the more and more likely reason.
Why else would Nancy suddenly hate her very presence?
Nancy’s not cruel. She’s not mean. Not like this. Not without reason.
She’s going to have a damn good reason for acting this way toward her. Toward someone she once considered at least a budding friend. And God, Robin’s not religious but she can’t help but pray that she accidentally crossed some social boundary she didn’t know existed.
That she spit in Nancy’s face while talking.
Or insulted Nancy’s favorite…something.
Please.
Please.
Let it be something she can fix.
Don’t let it be her.
Don’t let it be her.
One day, toward the end of week four, Robin finishes a solo-closing shift at the video store and locks the front door, only to find Nancy standing behind her in the parking lot when she turns around.
The car is parked a few spaces down.
Robin’s been so distracted lately, she’s not surprised she missed it before. Now though, Nancy’s presence right in front of her, looking directly at her, is almost more than she can stand.
Robin immediately drops her chin, hunching her shoulders and looking away, as if avoiding eye contact might help her prevent whatever soul-crushing is coming her way.
Nancy stares at her for a few long seconds.
“Let’s go for a drive,” Nancy says.
Robin hesitates, body tight as her mouth opens and closes a few times. She’s scared to say no. She’s scared to say yes. She’s scared to say anything at all, really.
She knows she can’t stay away. Not if there’s some small chance this could be Nancy coming back to her to let her make things right again.
Not if she has some chance of being forgiven and making things normal again.
She nods.
She climbs into the car.
Nancy drives.
It’s silent.
Robin’s hands twitch in her lap, the urge to turn on the radio a near need.
She keeps them fisted on top of her pants.
She bites her tongue.
Nancy drives.
Robin tries not to let the thoughts get the better of her, but they do.
She still can’t figure out what she might have done to piss Nancy off.
She prays it’s not just her.
Nancy drives until they pull up to an empty dead-end overlooking a little ravine.
It’s quiet. Secluded. Not quite dark, but getting there.
Robin’s stomach plummets to her shoes.
Nancy sighs and Robin actually flinches into the door before she can stop herself.
Nancy sighs again. “We need to talk about something.”
After so long of holding the words down, the muscles in Robin’s jaw stay locked tight, so all she does is nod in her understanding and acceptance. She keeps her head tilted down, staring at her hands on her own knees and only barely watching Nancy out of the corner of her eye.
Nancy’s staring directly at her again and it sends goose bumps along the back of Robin’s neck and down her arms.
It’s not angry this time, at the very least, and it’s not sharp, but it’s not exactly friendly, either.
“You’re not…you’re not going to say anything?” Nancy asks.
Robin’s jaw flexes, but after another few seconds of hesitation she just shakes her head.
Nancy sighs and tips her head back against the headrest, closing her eyes. “I’m really sorry about snapping at you the other day. I don’t…I don’t want you to think you can’t talk at all around me anymore.”
Robin tilts her head, taking the opportunity to study Nancy’s profile more directly while her eyes are closed.
It’s the closest she’s been to her in days. Weeks, even.
The skin under her eyes is heavy and dark.
Her face is pale, despite the careful makeup she’s wearing to try and hide it.
Her hair is pulled back into a loose ponytail, which is not something Robin’s seen her do in a long time. Her curls fight the confinement, coiling and bunching messily at the edges.
Before Robin can react, her eyes open and catch Robin’s, ensnaring her.
Robin’s mouth opens without her control. “What did you want to talk about?”
There’s a weight to Nancy’s eyes as she studies Robin.
Robin still can’t look away.
Nancy’s lips twitch up. “I’ve missed your voice,” she whispers.
The words slither down Robin’s spine, making her shiver. It breaks the spell between them and she drops her eyes back down to her lap, chest suddenly tight.
It’s not exactly a friendly phrase, is it?
Not something that you say to your friends, at least.
And to whisper it…
As far as Robin knows, Nancy’s never been one to play games. She’s never been one to toy with someone just to make them suffer. But Robin thinks she might have to change that evaluation. Because the way she sees it, Nancy’s either taunting her about the fact that Robin hasn’t been talking to her at her clear request. Or…or…Nancy’s pretending to care about her. Pretending to care about her to potentially bait her into revealing more of the side of herself that Nancy probably hates.
And Robin’s not sure which is worse.
She looks up, staring out at the fading light and empty road. They drove for probably fifteen minutes to get here. Fifteen minutes. They weren’t going that fast. The roads were windy. But fifteen minutes…this has to be at least three or four miles out.
A long ways.
A long ways.
Robin swallows. “What did you want to talk about?” she asks again.
Nancy shifts in her seat, unbuckling her seatbelt so she can face Robin more directly, and Robin’s spine locks. “I know you’ve noticed that I’ve been acting…distant.”
This time, Robin can’t stop the dark chuckle that slips out past her lips. She pinches them between her teeth a second later, closing her eyes and cursing internally, but the damage is done.
She can feel the shift in the air next to her as Nancy flinches.
Robin’s heart pounds.
“I know…it’s worse than that. I’ve been terrible to you. I want…I want to talk about why.”
The prayers start again. She sends prayer after prayer up to whoever or whatever will listen, hoping beyond hope that Nancy’s about to launch into a story about how Robin broke some secret girl code during their last movie night and that’s why she’s been so mad. Hoping beyond hope that it’ll be something, anything other than what she’s thinking.
Robin stays silent.
Nancy shifts again and there’s a click. The pressure across Robin’s hips releases as the seatbelt retracts back into its holder.
“There,” Nancy whispers. “I know how much you hate being confined. We can step outside, too, if that would make you feel more comfortable.”
Her heart and stomach do a confusing tango, trading places for a few seconds before realizing and switching back.
A series of images flash through her mind, each somehow worse than the last.
Her climbing out of the car and Nancy locking it and speeding away.
Her climbing out of the car and Nancy following her out to yell and hit.
Her climbing out of the car and Nancy following her out with her gun.
Her climbing out of the car and Nancy shoving her down into the ravine.
They flash over and over and over again and she shivers, unable to stop the way her fingers curl into the edge of the seat as if it’s the last thing keeping her on this earth.
“Ok, hey, it’s ok. We don’t have to get out. Ok?” Nancy says, voice still low and calm.
Reassuring.
She’s being reassuring.
Why would she be reassuring? She’s either furious with Robin or she hates her, why would she be trying to be reassuring?
Is she still just trying to get her out of the car?
Her climbing out of the car and Nancy locking it and speeding away.
Her climbing out of the car and Nancy following her out to yell and hit.
Her cl-
“Robin, take deep breaths. Please, take some deep breaths and try to look at me.”
Robin’s body follows instinctively, blissfully unaware of the fact that there’s a universe in which it might not want to follow Nancy’s directions without thought or hesitation.
She breathes.
Her chest unlocks.
Her hands relax.
She opens her eyes.
She looks at Nancy.
Nancy’s eyes are wide and damp around the edges, blue now so tinged with a kind of sadness Robin’s never seen in her before.
“Better?” Nancy asks.
“Y-yeah.”
Nancy’s mouth flickers, not quite lifting at the corners.
Robin braces for the lecture.
The best case scenario is a lecture about how she’s a terrible friend.
She can live with a lecture. She can live with Nancy needing to distance herself from her, or even stop being friends as a whole.
She won’t survive Nancy hating her.
She won’t.
“I’m really sorry about how I’ve been treating you,” Nancy says. “It’s not fair to you.”
Robin frowns, words batting uselessly around her head, refusing to process or land.
Nancy’s cheeks flush at the edges and her eyes flicker around Robin’s face as she rushes to continue. “I’m sure you’re upset and confused and frustrated and a million other things that you have every right to be.”
Robin’s frown deepens as the apology continues, breath picking up as the confusion mounts.
“I am so sorry I hurt you and I’m happy to do whatever it takes to make it up to you if you want to…to stay friends after this, but I need you to know something first. The reason I started pulling away is because, well, because I realized I had feelings for you…r-romantic feelings. And I kind of panicked.”
Robin sucks in a sharp breath and Nancy’s words pick up another few miles per hour. “I just. I didn’t realize that was something I…I could do and I had to work through some internal stuff about it, but I’ve done that now and I can really, confidently, say that I have really strong feelings for you. And I know that just because you like women doesn’t mean yo-you’d have feelings for me or even…even want me like that. So I just…it was a lot for me to process, but I’ve processed now and I-I knew I needed to tell you because I’ve been hurting you for no good reason and I care about having you in my life. Friends above anything else. And if you’ll let me make it up to you then I’d really like to try and repair our friendship. If you can forgive me, at least. Wh-what do you think?”
Robin’s brain fully scratches to a halt.
The tapes unspool, piling at her feet uselessly.
The trains crash into each other.
Any and all forms of mental confusion that could possibly happen, happen, and after a solid minute of pure silence the only thing that her mind manages to surface and spit out is, “Y-you knew I like women?”
Nancy snorts. “That’s what you took from that?”
When Robin does nothing but stare blankly back at her, Nancy’s mouth falls into a thin frown and she nods. “Of course, yeah, I realized as soon as we started spending time together alone.”
The tapes keep unspooling.
Trains still crashing.
Robin’s heart stutters and tears.
“And…you were…okay with that?”
Nancy’s frown grows deeper and she tilts her head. “Yes,” she says slowly.
Robin’s head bobs, record wobbling uselessly in an attempt to get to the next track. “But you…you were freaked out when you realized you might have similar feelings?”
Nancy’s cheeks flush again and Robin stares at them with an odd kind of detached wonderment. “Yes, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much internal…stuff I had to work through.”
Robin blinks at her.
Nancy’s eyes dart around her face.
The record keeps wobbling. “And you say you have feelings for…for me?” Robin says.
Nancy nods jerkily, mouth tilting up into a forced, almost painful smile. “Yes. But I promise I’m not expecting anything from you. I just want to try and get back on good terms, at least, if you’ll let me.”
Robin blinks and she turns her head, staring out into the dusk. “This…this would be cruel,” she starts.
Nancy shifts closer, breath coming in tight bursts. “What do you mean?”
“Telling me this only to…to take it away or leave me out here or whatever the plan is. I- I- it would be cruel. I never thought of you as cruel before.”
“I would never, ever do something like that to you. Robin, I swear. I know I’ve been terrible to you lately and I don’t blame you for being wary, but I swear I would never hurt you like that. I’m not lying or tricking you. This is real.”
The tapes unhook from the wheel and cascade to the ground.
The trains fall off the sides of the track, engines pumping uselessly.
“Do you think there’s any chance you could forgive me eventually?” Nancy whispers.
Robin swallows. “I’ve been in love with you for a year.”
Silence fills the car like smoke.
“What?”
Robin’s mind finally, finally catches up to what just spilled out of her mouth and she thinks one of the train cars might actually explode. For a few seconds there’s nothing but bright lights and chaos behind her eyes.
But then a soft, warm hand closes over the fist still digging holes into the top of her work pants.
“Robin, did you just say you’re in love with me?” Nancy whispers.
Robin turns to her and everything inside of her head falls silent and still at the look in her eyes. Dangerously hopeful. Warm. Soft. Caring. “For a year,” Robin confirms.
Nancy exhales a laugh and a tentative smile forms on her face. “Does…does that mean you’d be willing to work on repairing our friendship?”
The words pour out of Robin like water, heart fluttering madly in her throat. “I’ll always want to be your friend as long as you don’t hate me.”
Nancy’s smile flickers and dies a dozen times. Her hand squeezes Robin’s. “You thought I hated you?”
Robin nods. “Either because I’d done something I didn’t understand or because you realized I’m gay and/or that I love you.”
“Oh Robin,” Nancy sighs. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I freaked out like that. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
Robin bites her lip and the familiar jolt of pain has her glancing down to her lap where their hands are still entwined. “Do you only want to be friends?”
“No,” Nancy says quickly. “Not if you really mean it when you say you have feelings for me, too.”
“I do.”
Nancy pulls Robin’s hand up from her lap, leading it delicately to her mouth. She presses a series of soft, glancing kisses along Robin’s knuckles before flipping it over and kissing the center of her palm.
Robin shivers, fire and ice racing down her spine.
She looks up.
Nancy smiles.