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“Your chai is probably cold by now, Kate,” Mary said gently, the clink of her spoon against her delicate tea cup breaking Kate out of her reverie.
“Hmm?”
“Your tea, beta,” Mary looked pointedly at the tepid cup of chai in front of Kate.
Kate looked at Mary for a second longer, then at the other occupants of the room. Edwina was, as had been the case lately, buried in her book while Lady Danbury stared at her with a raised eyebrow.
“My apologies, my mind was elsewhere,” Kate leaned forward, her hands slightly shaking, and carefully picked the tea cup.
“Perhaps you should go and have a rest, my dear,” Mary said, smiling softly. “It has only been two days since you woke up, the physician advised that it may take a week for you to feel better, after all.”
Kate did not have the heart to tell her mother the truth. Mary was right about the physician’s suggestion, but the injury to her head was not what ailed Kate in that moment. Her thoughts were a mess, and her head didn’t ache because of the cut on her skin. Instead, it was her heart that ached more, longing for something she could never express to her family.
It longed for a familiar touch, to see a pair of dark eyes, sharp nose and brown hair, the warmth of someone who had become an inextractable part of her being, no matter what lie she tried to convince herself of or the shame she forced herself to feel - shame which never came.
Kate longed to see him. Talk to him. Shout at him. Demand an answer about why he never visited her. He had rescued her, she heard about that from Lady Danbury, but why had he not visited since? Had he realised his mistake, and wanted to sever their connection whilst she was still unconscious? Use her comatose state to make a decision for them both? How could he-
But was that not what she wanted? She called their feelings a plague that would pass, claimed that nothing had happened between them when something so monumental had, she left his embrace that fateful morning, dragging herself away from the man she lo-
“Mr. Benedict Bridgerton for Miss Sharma!”
The cup rattled in her hand at the footman’s announcement. Kate managed to steady her hand in time, and placed the cup on the table as Mr. Bridgerton entered the room.
She stood up, and was about to echo Lady Danbury’s greeting when she caught the expression on the man’s face. He looked pale, with dark circles under his eyes and was uncharacteristically unkempt. The usual twinkle in his eyes was nowhere to be found - in its stead was a darkness, a pain that seemed so unfamiliar but recognisable at the same time.
A chill ran through her spine.
She could hear Lady Danbury speaking in the room, though her voice was muffled, as if Kate was under water, about to drown and the only thing anchoring her was Benedict looking at her with sorrow.
She did not understand why she felt this sudden dread in her heart, this deep sense of loss. She tried to ground herself by forcing her eyes away from his face…and so they landed on his hand. His right hand.
And before she knew it, Kate heard her own shaky voice.
“Why are you wearing his signet ring?”
The room fell quiet, all eyes on Kate and then on Benedict as slowly - too slowly for Kate’s liking because how could they not feel what she felt - she heard her mother gasp.
And it was then that he finally spoke.
“Miss Sharma, I am so sorry.”
——————
The birds chirped outside and Kate could hear faint noises from the street, somehow penetrating the thick air in the room and reaching her ears. How, she did not know - for the air was so saturated with grief and tears, and unmeasurable sorrow, she could not understand how anything but misery could cut through that grief and reach her.
Kate’s chest felt hollow, her mind muddled. Her shoulders felt heavy and her heart, whatever scattered remains that were left of it, pierced her soul with its jagged edges on every breath.
But Kate sat quietly, in his- no, in Benedict’s study at Bridgerton House, with Violet Bridgerton to her right and the new Viscount sitting opposite her.
The new Viscount.
A faint ringing in her ears persisted as Benedict spoke of something - Kate could not really hear his words. The sight of him sitting in that chair, surrounded by papers and ledgers, with a legacy and title that sat awkwardly on his shoulders, was hard for Kate to accept. She had never seen….. him sitting in that chair, had never seen him address an audience in his study or deal with matters of the estate.
She never got the chance.
A lone tear fell from her eye and she did nothing to wipe it off.
“Miss Sharma, shall I continue?” Kate finally heard Benedict’s words and looked up at him.
“I-I am sorry mist- I mean, Lord Bridgerton,” the words sounded foreign on her tongue and judging by the slight crumbling of Benedict’s face, they were foreign to his own ears too. “Please continue.”
Benedict cleared his throat. “I…I found a few documents, bills and letters enclosed with Anthony’s last will, and had them checked by our solicitor. He confirmed these are valid, legally sound papers and we can execute them as per his wishes.”
Kate frowned. “Forgive me for my lack of comprehension on this matter,” she said. “But I do not quite understand what these papers have to do with me.”
Benedict sighed. He chewed on his bottom lip, possibly gathering his thoughts and preparing his words. It was odd, to say the least. Kate had no claims to any possession of this family, of him. She was a blip in their lives, a secret from most, a passing fancy.
“Miss Sharma…,” Benedict finally began. “All of these papers have everything to do with you.” He must have noticed her startled expression because he rushed to continue. “I have absolutely no intention of making you uncomfortable, but I please request you to first listen to me and then we can talk. Is that acceptable?”
Benedict’s words did very little to assuage her but she nodded nonetheless.
“My brother prepared his last will and testament a few weeks before he…..,” Benedict took a deep breath. Shaking his head slightly, he continued. “He finalised the majority of documents a few weeks before he passed, except one letter, which we found along with the will, that was written to you four days after your accident.”
Kate took a sharp breath. “A letter?”
“Yes, but forgive me, I will come to that at the end,” Benedict said. “The legal documents seem to cover quite a few different scenarios. Upon reading the content of the papers, our solicitor and I think that Anthony was not sure which path life would take, so he meticulously planned for every possibility.”
Benedict reached across the desk and handed her two bundles of papers. “The details in the first set of documents set out provisions for your family, Miss Sharma. As I said, there are a range of possibilities but what remains consistent throughout is that your family will always be financially secured. He allocated a dowry to Miss Edwina, an allowance for Lady Mary and a lump sum amount for her to rent a house if she wishes.”
Kate's throat was dry. She could hardly believe that he had left her anything, let alone her mother and sister.
She looked at the papers in her hand. Skimming through the first page, she confirmed what Benedict spoke of with her own eyes. She brought forward the second set of documents to read ahead when she noticed the date.
It was two days after the failed wedding.
“There…..is more,” Benedict interrupted her, as she was about to read the whole page. “As I mentioned earlier, Anthony planned for a wide range of scenarios - why he felt it was necessary to document everything so carefully, we will never know. But given these papers are from soon after the wedding, I can only assume it was due to the uncertainty he had harbored in his mind. Nevertheless, Miss Sharma, I will not go through each and every possibility he accounted for, but through the most relevant. You can read the rest if you so wish, in the papers in your hand.”
Kate nodded mutely, her heart racing.
Benedict took a deep breath and began. “Anthony wanted to secure a minimum annual sum of £20,000 for you, and he made provisions for it to be increased with minimal legal intervention as and when needed. There is no upper limit to what it could be increased to. He also specified that in the event of his death, the new Viscount is legally bound to continue this stream of funds and secure your future in whatever manner you wished to live it, as well as he would have, if he had lived. Anthony also stated that should you wish to marry, the money would still be yours, and that includes the circumstance wherein you marry in India. He also secured funds for any children you may have with your husband. Should you not wish to marry and stay in England, he had initiated the process to purchase a house in your name, in a location that would ultimately be of your choosing. If you wished to return to India, he had kept aside a large sum of money for you to buy property there, and added details of his trusted contacts in India to facilitate the sale. All these provisions would be applicable even if he was alive. All in all, Miss Sharma, Anthony wanted to ensure that you can choose to live your life however you want to live it. He also specified that you would always be welcome at Bridgerton House and Aubrey Hall, if you ever wish to visit or stay with us. He did not need to legalise this, since we would have always welcomed you regardless, but he did.”
Kate could hardly breathe. This….all of this...he had secured everything mere days after the wedding?
“I do not know what to say,” she whispered.
“I understand, it is a lot to take in, but the crux is quite simple. He wanted you to never be in want of anything, and I will make sure that his wishes are fulfilled.”
“But….how? And why? Why two days after the wedding?” she asked herself out loud, but Benedict answered instead.
“It was love, he loved you,” he said softly, as if it was the most simple answer in the world. Kate looked up at him and saw the sad smile on his face.
“I do not know what happened between you and my brother, Miss Sharma. But it is clear that he loved you, so very much. Every change he made in his will was to make room for you. In the best way he thought he could at that moment. Above all, he wanted you to have complete control and freedom of your life, no matter the circumstance.”
“By pushing me away?” Kate said before she could stop herself. She had fought with him at every turn, deigned their connection to be fleeting, but then why did it hurt that he only thought of circumstances where she would not be there by his side?
“He was never pushing you away, my dear,” a voice spoke from her right. Violet was still sitting there, though Kate had quite forgotten about her presence. “He was just giving you the freedom to make your own choices. And Benedict mentioned that he would only speak of scenarios which could still be true… now that Anthony is gone,” her voice broke on the last word.
Shaking her head, Violet continued. “But there is so much more he thought of, everything Benedict spoke about was written at the end. But the beginning? It was all about you and him.”
Tears welled up in Kate’s eyes. “What was it?” she whispered.
“Anthony planned a life for you both, together, as one. He planned for a honeymoon in India, he planned for children you would have had. He made enquiries about sourcing food and spices for you, importing fruits that you grew up with. He set aside funds for your use as the Viscountess, enquired about buying horses for you to ride. We found bills for books you may enjoy, and new accounts he intended to open in your name at the modiste and jewellers. He set aside budgets for anything you could have ever wanted. He just wanted a life that suited you both. It is all in there, as Benedict said,” Violet said softly. “Just because it was not a life you both got to live does not mean Anthony did not dream of living it.”
There wasn’t a part of Kate’s heart that had remained intact after seeing Benedict in Lady Danbury’s house, but if it were possible for that wretched thing to break even further, it did so in that moment.
Kate loved Anthony, so fiercely that it ripped her apart every time she drew breath. Even though he was gone, leaving her alone, so utterly alone in this world, she still found herself loving him more despite the pain it caused. And now she had the proof of his love in her hands.
She still was not sure if she could ever accept his money and his family’s generosity, but what if she accepted his love? Oh, but that did not come without guilt. How terrible she was to push him away, refusing to listen to what her heart told her to be true when he was alive, and now accepting that he loved her only after his death?
She gripped the papers in her hand tightly, as she willed herself to not break down in front of his family.
“Kate,” Violet began. “If there is one thing I have learnt since knowing you, is that you and Anthony are so very alike. Which is why I say to you what I would have said to him. Whatever battles you may be fighting in your mind right now, I cannot ask you to stop fighting them. I can only ask that you be kinder to yourself. He wanted you to be happy, to be loved and cherished. No matter the circumstance, his greatest wish was for you to be content, and he tried ensuring that in the best way he could. I can see that you love him, I hope you can allow yourself to be loved by his memory.”
“I just…,” Kate choked out. It was all too much, too much to bear and accept. Anthony’s death, him leaving her before she could see him one last time, and now this reality where he had mapped out every part of their lives under every eventuality, simply because he loved her. And through his will, he had not just given her his love, but also her freedom.
“He thought of everything,” Kate finally whispered.
“No, my dear,” Violet said with a sad smile, her tears mirroring Kate’s own.
“He thought of you.”
———————
It was a chilly day out in the country, and Kate wrapped the shawl tightly around her arms and shoulders. It was still a beautiful morning, and she let herself take in the calmness of the world around her, even though her own heart raced.
It had taken her six months to muster the strength to make this journey, and this moment was the culmination. Sat on a bench, surrounded by tulips, she looked at the beautiful headstone of the ninth Viscount Bridgerton.
Anthony.
Kate exhaled shakily, and closed her eyes to stop her tears from falling. She had things to say out loud first.
She unfolded the piece of paper in her hand, given to her by Benedict as he promised that day, and caressed it gently with her fingers.
“I never realised how good your penmanship was, before I read this letter,” Kate began. “But I suppose, how could have I known? I do not have any tangible piece of you except this letter, your first and last to me.”
A rogue tear slipped out anyway, and she wiped it off before it could tarnish the paper. “I have harboured two regrets since the day you died. One was not being truthful to you about what I felt. I do not know whether you could tell that I was lying to myself, but I have always loved you, and I wanted you to know that. And the second….,” Kate sniffled, “…was not being able to say goodbye to you,” she whispered.
“I am hoping coming out here and saying this out loud to your headstone may help me in some way, help ease that grief I feel, which seems so insurmountable at present, so overpowering that I cannot breathe. But I want to breathe. I want to breathe for you. For both of us. For the life you wanted us to live but we could not. I want to do it for you if not for myself.”
Looking back down at the letter, she continued. “You wrote this four days after I fell ill. I can feel the despair in your words, the dejection and resignation in your sentences. I can feel your ache as you wrote this letter to me, thinking that I may never get the chance to read it. Everytime I read it, I can feel you giving up on life, thinking that you would be reunited with me in the afterlife.”
“Why did you not wait for me, Anthony?,” she cried. “I woke up as you fell, and no one would tell me anything! We did not even know that you were fighting for your life as I sat in my chambers wondering why you hadn’t come to visit me, resenting you as you slipped away from me!”
The tears fell uninhibited, as Kate’s body was wracked with grief. “Benedict came as quickly as he could to inform us but it was too late! I never got to see you for the last time, to say goodbye. He took that chance away from me and I do not know how to forgive him for that.”
Kate shook her head. “It is a silly thing to resent him for, given how devoted to your wishes he has been. But my feelings are so…..muddled, I do not understand what I feel anymore. What I am anymore,” she exhaled. “I just want you back…..”
“I do not know what made you make provisions for everything so many weeks before that dreadful morning. I do not know if it was a premonition of what was to occur. I do not know what made you write this letter, if you thought I would never read it. Perhaps it was your way of saying what you hadn’t said to me, even if I wasn’t there to listen, akin to what I am doing in this moment. I do not know if it ever brought you peace, and I do not know if this will ever bring me peace. But I will try. For you.”
Kate folded the letter and stood up. She walked over to the headstone and knelt. Touching her fingers to her lips, she then caressed his name etched on the stone with the same hand.
“I love you. I hope you can hear me wherever you are, and I hope there is a world where we are together, where you vex me and I fall in love with you more than I do just now. But even in this world, I will still love you more and more each day. I just hope you knew that as you closed your eyes, I cannot bear the thought of you not knowing-” her voice broke into sobs, grief overpowering her once again, as it did so very often these days.
But just then, a ray of sunshine cut through the clouds, and illuminated the stone. Kate felt the warmth on her face, and she opened her eyes. She noticed the scent of flowers, birds chirping in the sky, gentle waves of water flowing in the nearby lake.
Kate took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. And she couldn’t help but smile softly despite the pain.
He knew, after all.