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Gabriel had really tried to stay out of it. Ignore his brothers’ temper tantrum and go on with his life. If they wanted to throw an Apocalypse party while Daddy was gone, then who was he to object, really? They’d get over it and realize it was pointless soon enough.
Except the Winchesters, the supposed “true vessels” of this farce weren’t being very helpful. If they’d just say yes already then his brothers would realise this was pointless and stop wasting everyone’s time already. It’s not like you could just start The Apocalypse whenever you felt like it. These things were predestined to occur at the right time. Gabriel was sure that when that time arrived, his Father would let him know so he could herald The End.
Now however wasn’t yet the right time. Therefore, he occasionally felt the Winchesters were in the right to keep denying his brothers. However, he would feel a lot more sympathy towards them if their denial wasn’t causing his younger siblings to die by the dozen. Brothers killing each other for a lost cause. So, despite agreeing, he just really wanted them to suck it up and say yes.
It’s not like the younger angels knew any better. As far as they knew they were carrying out their Fathers will.
‘It is kind of odd there are compatible vessels at this point in time, though.’ Gabriel idly mused to himself.
The cupids probably had something to do with that. Orders from higher up and all that.
“Then help us stop it!” Sam’s voice quite rudely cut of his thoughts.
Right. Winchesters.
It had started to annoy him they wouldn’t say yes, so he’d lured them here with his tricks and trapped them in this pocket dimension in an effort to force their hand.
He’d screwed up though.
Now he was trapped by a ring of holy fire.
‘If Odin could see me now he’d laugh his ass off.’
He thought he’d just very clearly explained why ‘stopping it’ wasn’t exactly his goal. On the other hand, judging by Sam’s comment, they still didn’t understand.
He rolled his shoulders. Cramps weren’t very fun.
“It can’t be stopped.” Gabriel said, ”They won’t stop ‘till they have what that they want. You just need to suck it up and say yes, or they’ll never learn.”
“You want to see the end of the world?” Dean said, looking pissed.
“Oh please.” Gabriel scoffed, “Don’t you think that’s a little overdramatic? What you call the Apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner! This,” Gabriel gestured wildly ”This is just a stupid temper tantrum! Daddy left and now the kids think that if they threaten to break his favourite toys, he’ll come home and fix all their problems for them!” He rolled his shoulders, looking mildly uncomfortable. “ ‘Sides, it’s not much of an Apocalypse, is it?”
Sam and Dean seemed to falter at that before glancing at the other and doing some weird, nonverbal communication thing. It was actually rather creepy, seeing as they did it at the exact same time.
They somehow seemed to have reached some mutual decision however, as Sam then said: “What’re you talkin’ about?”
He looked very much like a confused puppy. Dean just had his frowny face on.
Gabriel scoffed. “For a Revelations-level Apocalypse, we seem to be missing an awful lot of signs. You know, mountains crumbling into the sea, river of blood and all that fun stuff?”
“You gonna tell us why that is?” Dean asked.
“Well, obviously it’s because it’s not really the Apocalypse.” Were they stupid or something?
“What the hell are y-“ Dean got cut off by his brother. “How about you bring back Cas and we can talk all about why it’s not the Apocalypse, even though everyone thinks it is.” Sam said instead, trying to reason with Gabriel.
It reminded him a bit of the way the feds on cop shows always tried to talk down the psychotic serial killer.
Rude.
“I don’t see how his presence would matter.” he said dismissively.
Dean took over again. “You either bring him back, or we’ll just have to find out whether deep fried angel wings are in any way similar to fried chicken.”
Grimacing, Gabriel once again rolled his shoulders before raising his hand and snapping his fingers. Castiel immediately appeared right next to the other idiots.
“Cas, you okay?” Dean asked, looking slightly relieved. Not that he’d ever admit to it.
“I’m fine. Hello Gabriel.”
“Hey there Cassie. We were just having a nice chat about the Apocalypse, but your humans kept insisting you join us.”
“Yes, I’m sure it was very… enlightening.” he said gravely. He was staring right at Gabriel and deliberately shook his shoulders lose. He’d obviously noticed the archangel’s discomfort. Gabriel narrowed his eyes. Castiel looked rather self-satisfied.
Asshole.
The hunters also seemed to have noticed the silent exchange but decided it wasn’t really important for now.
“Gabriel claims it’s not really the Apocalypse, because the signs aren’t right.” Sam said to Castiel.
Castiel looked like he was mulling that over.
“I suppose it does lack certain attributes, yes.”
Gabriel took that as a sign to start talking. “You wanna know what that is? It’s because of this baby.”
He held up his hand and a bright light appeared in it. When it faded he was holding some sort of animal horn. It was decorated in a complicated gold pattern and had a leather strap around the middle.
The others stared at it for a couple of seconds. Castiel seemed to understand immediately and Sam’s furrowed brow also straightened out when he seemed to have reached some sort of conclusion. Dean however, still had his frowny face on. If he wasn’t careful it might get stuck like that.
“I don’t get it.” Dean said after a little while.
“I can’t be completely sure, but I’m pretty sure that horn is the thing which is supposed to be blown to start the Apocalypse.” Sam told him. “The lore isn’t very clear about whether it actually exists or its purpose however.”
“Right you are, Samwise. That’s exactly what this is.” Gabriel lovingly stroked the horn. “The thing about the Apocalypse is that it can’t really start ‘till I start a-blowin’ and believe me, if I’d done that, you would’ve noticed.”
Castiel frowned slightly. “I do indeed recall it was fated to start in such a way. However, as you were thought to be dead we assumed the horn was in the possession of either Michael or Raphael. I see now that isn’t the case.”
“So, what,” Dean said, sounding agitated, “all this time it wasn’t even really the Apocalypse, because you hadn’t blown some stupid horn?”
“Don’t call her stupid! You’re stupid!” Gabriel said mock-offended. “But yes. When Daddy handed me the thing he kindly told me not to get overexcited and only sound it when he told me it was time. Someday He’ll give me the order and then the world will shake, but that day hasn’t yet come.” He shuffled his feet slightly farther apart and rolled his shoulders again. ”You should be grateful I didn’t just jump on the Apocalypse bandwagon and sound it anyway, or there wouldn’t be anything left to save. It doesn’t technically even have to be me to do it.”
“So anyone can just take it and destroy the world?” Sam asked worriedly.
“Jep. On that note, me not confronting my brothers actually increases your chances of survival. They are stronger than me after all and if it came to a direct confrontation they might be able to force me into handing over the horn. Which would, of course, be a bad thing.”
Dean spoke up again. “Well that’s all fine and dandy but that doesn’t explain why everyone treats it like it’s the real Apocalypse and it most certainly doesn’t explain the whole ‘say yes’ bullshit you’ve got going on!”
“Angels aren’t meant to lead, you know?” Gabriel suddenly said. He made as if to shrug, but aborted the motion halfway through.
The Winchesters shared a confused look.
“What’s that got to do with anything?” Dean asked.
Gabriel looked at Castiel, who seemed to have been content to just listen until now.
“Angels are made to take orders. Lower angels take their orders from the leader of their Garrison and they in turn take their orders from the Archangels.” Castiel explained to them.
“Uh-huh,” Gabriel nodded, “And we take our orders from God. But He’s gone.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“Lucifer just got banished to the cage. Dad left. All we knew was that one day, Lucifer would get back out and the Apocalypse would start and bring forth paradise. Michael and Raphael decided to move it along a bit. I tried to stop them you know? I told them that if it was destined, it would happen eventually when Dad would tell me to start it. They wouldn’t listen though. Kept tryin’ to convince me to blow the horn anyway. Same as the three of them had been doing during the war.”
Gabriel seemed to do his best to keep his back straight and not move at all. The horn had vanished again somewhere during his monologue.
“Raphael had been doing the whole Nietzschean thing. You know, God is dead? Well, he didn’t much care for humanity, so he rather liked the idea of all the mud monkeys being exterminated. If that went along with Dad’s last order, that was just a bonus.”
Gabriel sighed. This conversation was starting to dig far too deep for his liking. How very un-fun. On the other hand, if he wanted to make a point, he had to go on. He pulled himself together and continued.
“Michael though, he’s always been the good son. Tried to follow our Father’s orders. So when there were no more orders, he jumped at the only thing that we knew had to happen sometime in the future. He figured that if it was supposed to happen, Father would come back afterwards and if it wasn’t supposed to happen, he would come back to stop it.”
Gabriel paused to gather his thoughts. He was somewhat grateful the others hadn’t interrupted him yet. Perhaps they felt this was important to understand.
“How about you get to the point, huh?” Dean spoke angrily.
Well then. Spoke too soon.
“Patience, Dean-o. Just givin’ you guys some perspective. Bear with me, alright?” Gabriel said dryly.
“Anyway, they decided to push the Apocalypse forward on the timeline, but I disagreed. So I left and took the horn with me. That’s what led to the farce they’ve got going on at the moment. It might not be real, but they’re going to try it anyway. All this drawn out anticipation is only causing more and more angels to die every day. They don’t know the truth, just the lies they’re fed. That’s why I want you to say yes. They won’t just stop by themselves. They’ll only stop when they duke it out and realise it’s useless. They need vessels for that. You.”
“So this whole thing was just to force them to realise it’s a lost cause?” Sam asked.
“Uh-huh”
“But before they come to that conclusion, how much time will pass? How many human lives will be lost? Think about it.” Sam pleaded.
“You think I care more about a bunch of mortals than about my baby brothers? Please, they’ll die eventually anyway. I don’t want humanity to be destroyed, but trust me, this is the best way. How many people will die in the crossfire while you keep drawing this out?“
“If you don’t want humanity or any of your brothers to die, than why don’t you help us ice the devil? I know he’s your brother too, but it will stop the fighting and prevent any more lives from being lost. From where I stand, you’re just too afraid to stand up to your family!” Dean butted in.
What.
Somehow, Gabriel didn’t think the moron had thought that one through.
“Really, Dean-o? Where you dropped on your head as a baby?” Actually, he mused, that would explain a lot. “Even if I could beat Lucifer- and that’s a big if- that would be a phenomenally bad idea.”
Seriously. What.
Sam didn’t seem to get it either, judging by his expression. Wasn’t he the intelligent one? Oh well.
Castiel apparently understood though, as he chose to speak up next. It was kind of hard to see what he was thinking most of the time. His range of expressions seemed awfully small. Or maybe it was just around Gabriel. Who knows really.
“Dean, I think Gabriel is referring to our goal being to prevent Michael and Lucifer from fighting. The Apocalypse is simply the collateral damage from that fight, as you well know. Setting up Gabriel to fight Lucifer in Michael’s stead will still result in two archangels fighting, all be it two different ones. The end result will be the same.” Castiel explained.
Dean looked somewhat stumped. “Right, uhm, I didn’t really think of it like that.”
“Yeah, I got that.” Gabriel said.
It was quiet for a moment. Nobody really knew what to say now.
Damn it. His back really hurt.
“So boys, now what? I’m pretty sure you now understand the lesson I’ve been trying to pound into your freakishly large heads. What’re ya’ gonna do ‘bout it?”
“Well,” Sam said hesitantly, “while we do understand it would be a bad idea for you to let your family know you’re still around, we … uhm.” He trailed off.
“We’re still never going to agree to being a bunch of angel condoms!” Dean said.
“Yeah,” Gabriel sighed, “I was afraid of that.”
“Brother.” Castiel started, “If Michael and Lucifer fight, then despite this not being the true Apocalypse, it would still cost millions of human lives before they stop.”
“I know that Cassie, but I really don’t see another way of solving this.”
“Right then.” Sam said, “We’re not saying we forgive you, but-“
“ ’Cause we don’t, you dick.” Dean butted in.
Sam ignored him and went on. “How about we make an agreement? We’ll let you out of the holy fire, if you promise to never pull any of your tricks on us again.”
Spoilsports.
Agreeing probably was his best option here, it wasn’t like it would cost him much. Shame he couldn’t pull his tricks on them anymore though, they were fun to mess with. And he really needed to stretch.
“Fine” Gabriel pouted.
Dean walked over to the lever connected to the sprinkler system and was about to pull it when Gabriel and Sam collectively screamed “No!”
“What?” Dean asked confused and slightly annoyed.
“You don’t put water on an oil fire, you moron! Didn’t they teach you that in school?” Gabriel said.
“Ah. Right. I forgot.”
They looked around for what else they were supposed to put it out with before they found a pile of sand in a corner. Figuring out how to actually get it to the fire was another issue, but that was solved when they found a picnic basket buried in the middle of the pile.
Makes you wonder why there would be a picnic basket buried in a pile of sand in a corner of an abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere.
Why would anyone bring it there just to leave it behind? Weird.
Using the basket, they poured the sand over the flames, smothering them and finally freeing Gabriel.
“Finally!” he exclaimed.
The next moment the Winchesters stepped back, looking shocked as behind Gabriel six gigantic shadows stretched out on the wall of the warehouse.
Gabriel stretched his arm above his head and felt his back pop. Father, that felt good. He shook out his wings a couple of times before carefully folding them again.
“Thanks guys. They were getting kind of cramped.” Gabriel said happily.
Sam and Dean were gaping slightly, but pulled themselves quickly. While they were pretty used to angels hanging around nowadays, said angels didn’t actually show off their wings all that often. Actually, only Dean had seen ever one show their wings - Cas, in fact. And maybe Raphael, if you count the lightning. Dean certainly didn’t.
Castiel looked slightly awed. He’d probably never spend time around an archangel that wasn’t trying to kill him. They tended to have that effect on the younger angels.
“So, that’s what the whole shoulder thing was about? Your wings were getting cramped?” Sam said slowly. He sounded completely neutral, but his eyes were still widened slightly.
“Yeah.” Gabriel replied, “Your tiny ass fire circle was nowhere near big enough to fit my wings normally without burning them, you dicks.”
“Right, well, we didn’t exactly think of that, or actually care, more likely, when we made it.” Dean said. “Why are you wings that damn huge anyway? I’ve seen Cas’s and they were like half that size. You making up for somethin’, or what? And why the hell do you have six? Cas only has two.”
Castiel shot Dean a bitchface at that. Or maybe it was his normal expression? Hard to tell with him.
Gabriel assumed Dean wasn’t aware of how prideful angels were of their wings and that he didn’t just insult Castiel on purpose, or he might have done something about it. As it were, he let it go.
“Helloooo, archangel?” He drawled. “We have six wings, other angels have two. And yes, they’re bigger. It fits our true form.”
“Right, uhm,” Sam intervened, “we’re sorry for almost burning you wings, I suppose.”
“No, we’re not.” Dean said. “I’m not, at least.”
“Dean.” Sam said, sounding disapproving.
“No, Sammy, the guy’s a dick. I’m not sorry for finally getting one over him.”
Gabriel thought it might be time to intervene before this rather pointless disagreement developed into a full fletched argument.
“Alright buckos, if we’re done here, I’ll be going now.”
The focus once again returned to him.
“Are you sure you can’t help us?” Sam asked. “You don’t have to fight or anything, but maybe you could give us information occasionally? “
He was really rocking those puppy eyes there.
“I’ll think about it, kiddo.” Gabriel sighed.
“That’s all I ask.” Sam said sincerely.
Gabriel nodded at him, wiggled his eyebrows and disappeared with the sound of wings. Curious what they would say, he reappeared a short distance away, completely invisible.
“Well,” Dean said, “I don’t know what the hell that was, but I’m glad it’s over. I need a drink.”
He turned around and walked in the direction of the door, Castiel following him. Sam didn’t move.
“Dean,” Sam started hesitantly, “I think we should talk about this.”
They stopped walking.
“Come on Sammy, you’re not taking this bullshit seriously, are you?”
“He did have a point, Dean.”
“No one here is saying yes to becoming an angel condom and that’s final! It’s been a long week and all I need right now is to get nice and drunk to erase it from my memory!”
Dean apparently saw that as the end of the conversation as he turned back to the door and walked outside. Castiel obediently walked behind him. Sam hurried after them.
“We’ll talk about this later, Dean!” Sam called after him before he too exited the warehouse.
Gabriel stood in a corner staring after them. It seemed he might have at least made them think about their actions. Maybe something good would come out of it? Yeah, probably not. That would be too much to hope for. They were Winchesters after all.
The beating of wings sounded in the room and a second later it was truly empty once more.