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Shane laid idly on top of Ilya, his head resting on the other's chest. Ilya played fondly with his dark hair, fingers running through its straight strands. He knew Shane was exhausted. Tired of explaining himself, tired of feeling like he wasn't enough, and mostly tired of doing everything right and feeling like he still had more he needed ro give. Ilya wished he could take those feelings and swallow them whole. Let them rest in his belly and be released in anger to any opposition that dared make his Shane feel this way. Slowly but surely, Shane fell into a sleep. Ilya carefully entangled himself and laid a soft kiss on his forehead. Sleep my love, he thought to himself.
Ilya didn't know what to do with all this pent-up rage. His therapist had suggested that maybe he work on some writing when working out and hockey had been exhausted. Better now than never.
Ilya had always been fond of the phrase, "a bone to pick." He always imagined himself among the carcasses of his enemy, laid waste by his own devastation. Maybe it was the Russian in him, maybe it was his own combative nature. Whatever it was, he had a damn bone to pick for all the naysayers and losers who made Shane feel small.
So Ilya wrote a list (in Russian because God forbid Shane saw this). It started a little silly, but the more he wrote, the more serious it got.
Reasons Why Shane is Smart
1. Shane is smart because I love him and I do not love idiots.
2. Shane is smart because he loves me and that's the fucking smartest thing ever.
3. Shane is smart because he's second best player in league, and you need an unfair amount of hockey IQ to even compete against someone like him.
3a. Shane is probably the best player in league because no one makes hockey as competitive and fun as he does.
4. Shane is smart because he has invested well in real estate properties and besides all the many brand deals he has, he has a nice nest egg to fall back on after we retire (which is when we are 50, because we are so smart, we will figure out how to play longer than any other players.)
5. Shane is smart because he came up with hockey camp which gives back to the mental health organizations.
5a. And knew to hire his mom to help us because that camp would be nothing without Yuna Hollander.
6. Shane is smart because even when he didn't know he was gay, he decided to come up to me back when we were kids and introduce himself.
7. Shane is smart because even after running away, he knew to come back. Because life is full of mistakes, and Shane always learns from his.
8. Shane is smart because he designed a cottage to make a home for them even before it was a them.
9. Shane is smart because he knew it was important for them to stay honest, or they would have stayed stupid men who never told each other how they felt.
10. Shane is smart because even if his brain is hyper-focused on hockey, he spends time trying to do things outside the scope of just hockey. He cooks, he's learning Russian, and he knows everything about nutrition!
10a. On top of the Russian, he's well-spoken in English and French!
11. Shane is smart because he is a gay hockey player, which is scary and lonely, but he did it so he can be his truest self.
12. And on top of being a gay hockey player, he is Asian, and has approached every vitriol thrown at him with grace.
12a. I do not know what it means to be Asian in a hockey league, but I do know that Shane must have felt an immeasurable amount of pressure to be the best version of himself because he knew he meant something to kids who looked like him.
12b. Because on top of struggling with being Asian and gay, he has to deal with the questions of his masculinity, his toughness, his grit, in a sport obsessed with all those things.
Ilya dropped the pen, flexing his fingers after holding on so tightly. He felt like the bone was throughly picked through, no bits or pieces left to dissect. A lot of his anger had dissipated, and he looked over fondly at the man sleeping in bed. God, Ilya loved Shane. He loved seeing this version of Shane that no one else saw. He took the paper and quietly stuffed it into the side drawer of his desk. Maybe his therapist was right; he did feel better. Mostly, he felt sure. Sure, that no matter what was thrown at Shane, Ilya would always stand beside him, knowing quite well what Shane fucking Hollander was capable of.
Ilya silently slipped back into bed, carefully pulling Shane back onto his chest. He let the slow movement of his breathing soothe him.
13. Shane Hollander is smart because I say it is so.