Work Text:
“We’re just keeping it casual, right?”
It was thrown right back at her, hitting her in her face. Her own words tasted sour now that the surgeon had echoed them.
Since that night a week ago, things between them had been… tense. To say the very least, it felt stale. Each room they shared was awkward, they danced around another one another. Toeing the line of avoiding this very conversation.
Trinity thought that maybe they just needed time, time for things to defrost between them.
But it was the Fourth of July, and she really didn’t want to be alone that night. The day was weighing heavily on her shoulders. She needed someone to help her, someone to make sure she didn’t crumble under the weight of it all. And as much as she resented herself for it, she wanted that person to be Garcia.
Yet, when she asked about their pre-existing plans, she had brushed her off. Like dust on an old shelf. Nothing important.
“I may need a rain check.”
It wasn’t a definite no, but Trinity had an uneasy feeling. Like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shoe that she had been waiting for since last week.
While she wouldn’t really call what had happened an argument, there was definitely some raising of voices. A few things that would’ve been better if they had gone unsaid. But she couldn’t take them back now.
They were at Trinity and Dennis’ apartment, a Friday night. Lazily lounging in Trinity’s bed. And she was silently freaking out, they weren’t doing anything, they were just lying there. A casual intimacy that scared her. She was lying with her head resting against Yolanda’s chest. A steady heartbeat filled her ear, it soothed her. It all felt so natural, and it was terrifying. Why was she cuddling with an attending?
Sure, they cuddled post coital occasionally. But this particular evening, there was no sex, just crappy takeout, a movie, and then they were in bed together. Tattered pyjamas stayed on. Gentle hands traced patterns on her back. Connecting small freckles like constellations. And then Garcia did something, insane.
She kissed her. Which was so normal, so ordinary, until Trinity realised. She realised this was the first time they were kissing outside of sex, it wasn’t to initiate anything. She was just kissing her just to kiss her. And that didn’t feel right.
Garcia didn’t like her like that, Garcia didn’t do casual intimacy. Garcia was only hooking up with her. This didn’t mean anything to her. So Trinity tried to let it mean nothing to her too, yet she failed.
So she pulled away from the kiss. Her own heartbeat was now frantic.
“You don’t need to,” She ran a hand through her hair and huffed out a breath. “I’m just- We’re just keeping it casual, Right?”
And propped herself up with one arm, now towering over a very confused Yolanda.
“What do you mean, Trinity?” But she remained calm, her hand worked its way up her arm, to the crook of her neck, and then cupped her cheek.
She couldn’t deal with the sweetness of the touch and ducked away.
“You’re not my girlfriend,” Her breath shook. “You don’t need to kiss me when- When we’re not…” She trailed off.
The idea of intimacy, so gentle, so fragile outside of sex, was unheard of by her. Because Trinity Santos truly believed that someone like Yolanda Garcia could never want her for anything more than sex. It wasn’t even just insecurity, it was a genuine belief that she couldn’t be good enough. So when in bed, she did everything she could to be good for Garcia.
Anything to be called ‘Good girl’, and yes, it was slightly it was humiliating, but those words coming out of her mouth, being directed at her? They were so sweet like vanilla and honey. The same as Garcia tasted when she kissed her gently. When she would pepper her neck with kisses. It usually turned her on, but now tears welled in her eyes.
She couldn’t be good for Garcia outside of the bedroom, because it was only inevitable that she would realise her original hypothesis was correct. She was nothing but trouble; no good could come from a relationship with someone like her. Someone who couldn’t keep their mouth shut, no matter how hard they bit their tongue.
“You don’t want me to kiss you when we’re not having sex, is that right?”
She swallowed her fear. It was best to rip off the band-aid quickly, before she could get too attached. Too late.
“No. We’re just hooking up, right?” But she sounded unsure of herself, her usual confidence had dissipated.
“Right.” Yolanda gritted her teeth before sitting up and swinging her legs over the bed. Frantically grabbing her belongings.
“What- Where are you going?” Her voice came out whiny and needy; this was not going how she wanted it to. She wanted to reach out and tell her to stay, to lie back down and let her listen to her heartbeat again. She said none of it.
“If we’re just hooking up, I should go. No need for sleepovers unless we’re having sex.”
And that stung. It cut deep, in an all too familiar way.
“Oh,” Was all she could bring herself to say. Her worries and anxieties had been true. Garcia only wanted to be around her for sex.
She let out a wet laugh, turning away from Garcia. Her arms curled around her stomach as she blinked away hot tears.
“I’ll see you at work, okay?” And Garcia sounded unsure of herself, too. For a moment, she stood there, staring at Trinity, who stared at the wall instead of the woman in front of her. “Santos?”
Oh, the use of her last name felt heavy. She had gotten so used to the way the surgeon said ‘Trinity’ with the cocky grin that usually accompanied it. She didn’t know how much she enjoyed it until she had to mourn the loss of it.
She slowly turned her gaze back to her. A sad nod. And Yolanda looked at her for another beat, and Trinity thought she saw something. Like the longing to kiss her cheek goodbye, it was mixed with a sadness in her eyes.
Why was Garcia sad? This is what she wanted. And then she was leaving, and Trinity was too hurt to do anything about it. Not even having the strength to be polite enough to show her guest out. She just lay herself down where Garcia lain minutes ago. And curled into herself. A mantra repeated in her head.
What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?
So she shouldn’t have been so shocked when Garcia told her, “I made other plans.”
But tears welled in her eyes nonetheless.