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Ilya felt Shane’s foot brush against his under the dinner table which prompted Ilya to reach over and squeeze his thigh. He then looked over to Shane with a slightly tight smile before trying to keep up with the conversation again. He had been drifting away a little before Shane’s subtle hint to check back in.
He loved having family dinner, truly. It would have been a hard thing for him to believe even just a year ago. But he liked listening to David’s mostly boring stories and he was fascinated by Yuna, especially by her managing of Shane’s career. They had accepted him so readily, it was almost overwhelming actually how quickly this had all become so…normal.
But sometimes the discussions moved a little too fast, sometimes it felt a little too homey, sometimes he looked at Yuna and David but saw someone else instead. What would his mother look like if she was still here? What would his father have said if he knew about Shane? And then it was all just a little too much. Shane was so good at recognizing this and bringing him back into the fold but Ilya knew he couldn’t really understand. And Ilya was happy he didn’t.
The multitude of framed family photos around the house made him smile but also reminded him how barren the walls of his home had been. The way the three of them moved around each other with ease, and how clearly comfortable they were in others presence only made the tension he felt around his own father and brother that much more obvious.
Shane had always had this. Kind and loving parents who made you sit at the table for dinner and asked how your day was instead of quiet, sullen dinner tables where you weren’t even allowed to cough too loud. Parents who bandaged your scraped knees instead of pulling you up by your arm and screaming at you to “Man Up!”. Parents who encouraged your love of hockey because they wanted you to be happy, not because they hoped to live through you and off of you.
Ilya had some nice childhood memories, of course, but it was only when it was just him and his mom. He remembered picnics and walks in the park, reading together, and her laugh. He didn’t hear it often towards the end but he remembered it sounded like the most beautiful music he’d ever heard. But he also remembered the dark days, laying beside her in her bed cause that’s all she could handle that day, begging her to eat and drink something, seething with anger as his father demeaned and humiliated her.
Shane reached over and squeezed his arm to bring him out of his thoughts again but this time it startled Ilya who jumped a bit and sent his wine glass tumbling to the floor. And suddenly Ilya was in a different room, with a different table and a different glass shattering at his feet. He could smell the vodka on his father’s breath as he yelled in his face before feeling the sharp, sudden pain of a hand colliding with the back of his head, could hear the sound of his brothers cruel laughter and see the empty chair where his mother had sat only months before. He jumped to his feet before he even realized what he was doing and could feel the eyes of all three people in the room turn to him.
“Shit!,” good start, ”Fuck!”, even better, “Sorry!” Ilya cringed internally at how loud his voice came out, and he knew the reaction was overblown but he couldn't really take it back now. Yuna was the first to stand and approach him carefully and god he hated to see the look of what could only be described as pity in someone’s eyes.
“It’s no problem, Ilya. I’ll go get the broom.”, she patted his arm as she left the room.
“Yeah, we got it, bud. No big deal.” David assured him as he followed his wife to help out.
Ilya stood there looking at the glass on the floor, unsure of what to do next. He mumbled something about the bathroom and left the room himself. Ilya thought he heard Shane’s voice say his name as he was leaving but the sound of the blood rushing in his ears blocked it all out. He slipped out the front door and walked down to the street, only pulling out the cigarettes once he was out of view from the house.
The first pull was always the best one, he felt the tightness in his chest almost instantly start to release and the noise in his head quiet a little. He knew Hollander would give him hell if he saw him out here but Ilya was down to just about one pack every couple weeks and he thought that was pretty damn good.
Ilya heard his cell phone ding and couldn’t help but smile as he read the message.
Shane: You ok?
Ilya: Fine. Just need a minute.
S: I’m sorry. I know my parents can be a bit much.
Ilya scoffed to himself, what he wouldn’t give to have parents who were a “bit much”. But he knew Shane meant well, he always did.
I: Not at all. Just need a bit of fresh air
S:Oh
S: In other words, a cigarette?
I: Guilty.
S: Ok.
S: Want me to come out with you?
I: No, I’ll be back in a minute.
S: I love you.
I: ILYAS
S: That still doesn’t mean “I love you also, Shane”
I: It does in my heart.
Ilya stuck his phone in his pocket and put out his cigarette before walking back to the house. He wished he could just leave instead of facing the embarrassment of what had just transpired but he couldn’t do that. So he went back in and to his surprise, everything was incredibly normal. Dinner proceeded without incident. They had told stories, talked about hockey and other current events which led Shane to the realization that Ilya actually had been reading The New Yorker and Christ, he was never gonna live that one down. And nobody said a word about what had happened or his reaction to it cause it was just some wine and a little broken glass, and it really wasn’t a big deal at all.
They had been sent home with leftovers and ice cream Yuna had bought specifically for Ilya. Both her and David had hugged him goodbye and maybe he held on for just a second too long but they didn’t seem to mind. He and Shane drove home in silence, a song playing softly on the radio and Shane’s right hand clasped between both of his own as Ilya stared out the window at the world passing by.
Late that night, Ilya laid on his back staring at the ceiling before turning towards Shane and whispering in the dark, “Are you awake?”
“Ya,” Shane answered as he turned to face him even though his bleary eyed gaze betrayed him a little.
“I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot lately,” Ilya said and Shane seemed to be more attentive now. “One time when I was like 8 or 9, my dad was out of town for work so she had to take me to hockey practice. My dad was constantly changing my team for one reason or another. This coach is too soft. These kids are too weak. He had finally settled on a team he deemed worthy but the kids were all older, bigger and stronger and they didn’t like the fact that this young kid was coming in and taking the attention away from them.”
Ilya paused as he remembered all the injuries he had suffered on that team, how he had learned to be ruthless there but that was a thought for another day. Shane had moved a little closer, listening to the story intently now.
“She hated to take me. The kids were cruel and I hadn’t found my place there yet. I begged her to let me skip but we both knew I couldn’t because he would know and then we would both pay.”, Ilya felt a shiver through his body and then felt Shane’s solid arms wrap around him as he continued, “She knelt in front of me, looking between me and the team on the ice. I know she didn't want me to go either but again, no choice. So instead she told me, “I know it is scary, but you are brave.”
Shane smiled so sweetly at him, both reliving the moment Ilya had said these exact words to him. Ilya thought his heart may burst with all the love he had for the man lying face to face with him.
“I hadn’t even remembered that she was the one who told me that. When you try to block a childhood of bad memories, sometimes the good ones get knocked out too.” Ilya couldn’t help but smile, “It gives me hope that the happy parts of her are inside me too, not just the dark ones. Even if I don’t always remember.”
Shane was at a loss for words, he wanted to tell Ilya how kind and good he was, how he took care of Shane, how he was full of good parts. Instead he pulled him close, tangling their limbs until it was hard to see where one of them ended and the other began.
“I love you so much,” Shane whispered into his soft, curly hair, “Every single part of you.”
And Ilya knew it was true, Shane loved the good and the bad, he loved him at his lowest and at his highest, he found his place beside Ilya and had stayed put ever since.
Ilya had lost his family when he was 12 and when he was 18, he found the man who would give him a new one though he hadn’t a clue at the time. And maybe one day they would have a family of their own. And Ilya would be patient and he would listen and he wouldn’t overreact about a broken glass or a scraped knee. He would give a child everything he had wished for growing up.
And with Shane by his side, he knew he could do anything. Their lives growing up couldn’t have been more different but none of that mattered now. All that mattered now was Shane’s strong arms around him, his steady heartbeat and his warm breath against his cheek. Ilya knew he would go through it all again, a million times, if that’s what it took to get here.