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“Armin…” Knock, knock. “Are you there?”
He rushed to open his front door while trying not to fall downstairs. “I’m here! Coming!” Armin exclaimed, finally getting to the entrance to let Mikasa inside.
“Holy shit, you took forever Min, what were you doing? Smoking a blunt?”
“No, Connie isn’t here yet…” Armin replied as he moved to the side, letting his best friend in. “Remind me again, why is he our designated driver tonight?”
Mikasa laughed loudly before taking her shoes off. “Jean said it’s his turn, but we all know that he’s going to be out in less than an hour.”
Armin’s ears perked up like a dog at the mention of the other man. “Oh yeah, ten minutes and he’s out.” He started walking upstairs, but stopped when he noticed that Mikasa wasn’t behind him. “What?”
“Sorry, you just look so good in those clothes, are they new?” She explained while walking towards him, both of them almost getting to the first floor.
“Nah… This old thing?” Armin’s voice trembled when he realized that Mikasa had caught him.
She eyed him up and down when they reached the bedroom’s door. “Sure, the old thing that you ironed twice.”
“Hey!”
“I’m just saying, ever since that night when Jean got hit on, you’ve been dressing up more than before…” Mikasa theorized, opening the door and getting inside Armin’s room.
The blonde huffed as he followed her shortly. “T-that doesn’t mean anything! God forbid I wanna look good…”
“Yeah, yeah, keep telling that to yourself instead of admitting that you’re still jealous…” Mikasa threw more wood into the fire.
“So what if I’m jealous? Yes! I feel jealous as hell, are you happy?” He admitted, his voice raising a bit while he paced around the room, not like Mikasa, who was sitting at the edge of his bed with a shit eating grin on her face.
“Very much, like a little kid.” She laughed, tossing her head back. “So, does this confirm that you still have feelings for Jea-”
“Oh, would you look at the time! Connie’s almost here.” Armin said while looking at his phone, a reddish blush on his cheeks.
“Uh huh, keep deflecting sweetie,” Mikasa sighed. “This conversation isn’t over yet.”
“Whatever you say, Mikasa, whatever…” The blonde answered as he grabbed his wallet, keys, and lighter (just in case, y’know…?).
Honk
“GET DOWN FUCKERS, YOU KNOW I CAN’T PARK HERE!” A scream could be heard from outside.
Mikasa sighed. “Are you fucking kidding me?” She exclaimed as she followed Armin out of his room, putting her phone on silent mode.
“Yeah, he always does this…” The blonde replied, sighing as well, putting on his shoes. “You get used to it by the third time.” He looked at his best friend, leaving the door open for her.
“Well, third time’s the charm they say!” She chirped as she walked past him.
It wasn’t that cold as Armin thought it would be, the sun was shining brightly, kissing his porcelain skin gracefully. This wasn’t an usual sight for this neighbourhood, but god damn if this looked like a good day.
He left his jacket hooked at the entrance of his house. “I don’t think I’ll need it…” Armin thought while locking the front door and approaching Connie’s car.
The other man was outside the car, waving with one hand. “Hey, flower boy! Took you long enough.”
“Connie, it’s the seventh time you’ve done this, you know you can park in front of my house.” Armin tells the other with a slight smile on his face.
“Yeah, I know, but I also like to fuck around for a bit.” Connie laughs while getting closer to him for a hug.
“Well, fuck around and find out.” Mikasa intervened, her arms open, ready to give the other a quick hug.
Connie turned to look at her with an amused expression. “What’s up with you, Ackerman? We’re sassy today, huh?” He asked jokingly, obviously reciprocating her hug right before patting his pockets, like he’s looking for something. “Hey, do any of you have a lighter?” Connie questioned.
“Don’t even try to fucking light anything, we’re gonna be late.” Mikasa told him as she opened the car’s door and sat in the backseat.
The man sighed. “But I just rolled it!” Connie whined, his voice getting a crack or two.
“Then save it for later!” The girl almost screamed at him. “Get in!”
“Okay damn! You sound like my mom…” Connie exclaimed, walking around the car and getting inside as well.
Armin laughed at the situation in front of him as he sat next to Connie. “We have to go to Reiner’s house, right?”
“Yeah, so let’s get going.” Connie confirmed as he put his rolled cig on his ear, not wanting to lose it. “It’s not that far from my house so I’ll get there soon, I hope…”
“Connie, respectfully, the last time we went there you told Jean to make the same wrong turn four times…” Mikasa remarked, a hint of laughter hiding behind her words. “And, you look dumb like that.”
“Dumb? Me cago en la hostia-” Connie turned to look at his friend. “First of all, that was when Sasha, Jean and I just got to the city so I didn’t know the route very well.” He scoffed. “And I don’t look dumb, jackass, have you ever seen an architect with a pen on their ear? Well, this is just the same!”
“Dude, just drive…” She laughed at the comparison that her friend had made.
The trip there was (surprisingly) fast for Armin, whose nerves were on edge. The thought of simply being in the same space as Jean again gave him a rush of jitters and accelerated his heart, and that’s concerning for him.
It had been a while since… Well, that.
One year and a half ago, they had dated for two solid years, no serious fights, no problems, they were just happy and chill. Until they weren’t. The classes started to get more and more overwhelming, days were getting busier and their lives just– drifted apart. It just didn’t work out anymore. They didn’t work out anymore.
So, after a long talk, they broke up, obviously on good terms. Jean was smart enough not to let his feelings get in the way of the friend group, and Armin was calm enough not to crash out every time he saw the other.
It was fine. Or so he hopes.
However, lately, the blonde had been having… thoughts. But hey, listen to him, Jean had been sending mixed signals as well, so it’s normal for him to be confused and not delusional, right? Right???
He knows that his feelings for the other never disappeared, but he’s willing to put them aside every time he needs to if it means maintaining their friendship.
Yet, he still can’t help but feel guilty for feeling like this. For always being so selfish, always thinking about him. It’s always “Armin feels like this!” or “Armin can’t do this anymore” or “Armin doesn’t like–” “Armin is–” “Armi–”
“Armin! Are you braindead?” Connie clicked his fingers in front of his face.
“What?” Armin got back from his trance (which he didn’t realize he’d gotten into). “Oh! Yeah, sorry, what’s wrong?”
Connie sighed in relief. “Thank god, I’m not ready to bury a friend today…”
I don’t think that’s something you’re ever prepared for. Armin thought for himself, not wanting to start a discussion.
“It’s nothing, we just noticed that you were really quiet over there and got worried.” Mikasa answered as she looked out the window for a few seconds. “Oh damn we’re almost there.”
Connie laughed shortly. “Almost?” He asked while making a turn. “Honey, we’re already here.”
It felt like a blink for Armin, who quickly got out of the car and stretched for a moment. This is it, and he feels like he’s going to die.
“Hey,” Armin heard behind him, turning around in a second only to find Mikasa looking back at him. “It’s going to be okay, Min.” She reassured.
Armin looked at her with a sweet gaze and went for a hug. “Thanks.” He mumbled on her neck. “I needed that.”
“I know.” She replied before leaving a quick kiss on Armin’s forehead. “Now, let’s get inside and have a great time, yeah?” And Armin nodded with a smile, because maybe it is going to be fine.
The party was great, good music, good ambience, but Armin really wasn’t feeling it after a few hours, so he walked upstairs to the roof.
He liked looking at the sky like this, peacefully, even if he could still hear the faint noise of the party below him. It was nice, sitting on the cold floor, enjoying the view with no music screaming right next to his ear and–
Click
Thump
The door, only door to the rooftop, opened as silent as possible while someone approached him (not that he would realize when he’s too immersed in his thoughts).
“All alone up here, Arlert?” A voice says, one that he knew very well. “Haven’t changed a bit, I see…”
Armin quickly looked behind him, like a whiplash, a chill running through his spine as he did.
“Jean.”
“That’s what they call me.”
And Armin laughed, of course he laughed, like the other man had some kind of spell on him to make him smile no matter what.
“What are you doing here?” He asked while Jean got closer to him. “Aren’t you supposed to be taking care of Connie or something?”
Jean laughed softly as he sat next to him, on the floor. “Nah, he’s okay, just a bit stoned.” He answered with a smile on his lips, turning to look at Armin. “Why you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?”
“And I’m supposed to believe that, okay…”
“Hey! Annie’s with Sasha and him, so I think that they’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Armin laughed loudly. He knows that Connie and Sasha can be very well-mannered people (when they want to), but at a party… “But, please answer my question…”
Jean sighed slightly as he searched for something in his pockets, not finding it. “Shit, Connie took my fucking lighter…” He mumbled under his breath. “Hey, do you have a lig-”
His words died on his tongue as he saw Armin handing him a lighter.
“Now, are you gonna tell me why you came up here? Or are you going to leave me hanging?” The blonde joked as he put the lighter on Jean’s knee.
Jean looked at him, dumbfounded, before taking a cigarette out of its box and putting it between his fingers, lighting it. “I was…” He took a drag on it, feeling it down his throat. “I was looking for you.”
The confession made Armin want to scream at the top of his lungs. He was at a loss for words– why was Jean looking for him?
“And I knew you’d be up here, so I came.” Jean admitted before gazing at Armin, the moonlight shining down on him and– were his eyes starry? Or was it the sky’s reflection on them? “Happy?”
“What?” Was the only thing that Armin managed to say, his mind racing with thoughts. “I mean– why were you looking for me?”
Jean’s chest rumbled with laughter at the other’s words and nervousness, taking another hit of the cig again. “Well, because I wanted to talk, that’s it.”
The blonde looked up to the sky, unable to maintain eye contact with the other man, feeling like his head was about to explode. “Talk?” Armin asked, his voice a bit shaky. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened, at least not now…” Jean answered after a few moments of silence. “It’s something that has been tormenting me for a while, but I don’t know how to put it into words.”
“Then why did you decide to tell me today?”
“Because I can’t keep going on like this for much longer.”
And that’s what it took for Armin’s heart to start racing again, why did this keep happening to him? Why can’t he have a normal day in his life?
He stayed silent, a sign for Jean to keep talking, too afraid to open his mouth and say the wrong thing.
“I’m sorry, Armin,” Jean voiced out loud, putting one hand up before Armin could question anything. “Let me continue– I’m sorry because I feel like I hurt you in some way, like you’re suffering because of me, and I don’t want that.”
Jean looked to the sky as well, the stars looking back. It was past midnight, he should be having the time of his life, yet he’s on a cold rooftop apologizing for something that he doesn’t even know if it’s true or not.
“I’m sorry because I know what it meant for you to agree with me all that time ago, to break up with me and start your life over. At that time, I thought that it’d be the best for us, but over time I learned that no one can ever know what’s truly best for someone, and that was my mistake.” Jean kept rambling, his cig almost burning out if it weren’t for the casual pauses he made between his words. “My mistake was to let you go, Armin Arlert, and I’ll never forgive myself for doing that, for that I’m sure.”
Armin’s eyes started to get glassy as Jean’s words registered in his brain, his mouth opening and closing while he didn’t know where to start. He wiped his unshed tears quickly and tried to find the words to say. “Jean, I–”
“I’m not here for your pity, but so that you know what has been eating away at me since that day a year and a half ago–” Jean continued, getting shortly interrupted by Armin’s hand on his lips.
“Will you shut up for a second and let me talk?” Armin pleaded, his cheeks and nose rosy from keeping his emotions to himself. “You’re making up scenarios without even knowing how I truly feel!”
The other man nodded slowly as Armin’s mouth retreated from his mouth. He took a long breath and looked straight at the blonde, waiting for his answer. But of course, Armin didn’t look back.
“Look, it’s true that I got hurt, that I can’t deny, but you can’t do anything about it! You can’t just ignore your needs so that you don’t hurt others. We broke up for a logical reason that involved both of us, and I’m sure that you got hurt too, it is what it is!” The blonde began talking while avoiding the other’s gaze. “I know that I’m not the best person to tell you not to ignore your feelings– shit, Jean, I still feel the same, but I put it away just so I could keep you near and have your company.”
Jean’s chest began to feel heavy at the other’s confession– he felt the same? What?
“But you just have to know that I forgive you, yeah? Even if I never felt the need to, because to my eyes, you never did something wrong. You always cared for me and supported me, as a friend or boyfriend, no matter what– but if you need to hear it, you’re forgiven, okay?” Armin continued talking, now his turn to ramble nonstop. “So please, forgive yourself too.”
Armin finally looked at the other, seeing the eyes that would make him fall over and over again, day after day, minute after minute. He shivered for a second, the night breeze getting to him, making his hairs stand on edge.
“Are you cold, Min?” Min, oh for how long Armin had wished to hear that nickname out of Jean’s mouth again. “Here.” He said as he took his jacket off and offered it to the other.
“Don’t worry, Jean, I’m okay.” Armin replied as he tried to deny the other’s offering. “It’s not that cold.”
“Please, take it, you didn’t bring your jacket– why didn’t you bring a jacket?” Jean answered back, putting his jacket over Armin’s shoulders, the warmth comforting the blonde immediately.
Armin sighed as he put it on properly. “It looked like it was a nice day, plus, I didn’t know that I would get up here so…”
Jean laughed softly before silence filled the space, both of them looking at each other. “So, you still feel the same, huh?” The brunette murmured while getting lost in ocean eyes, a bit of hope in his face. “Care to explain?” He didn’t sound disappointed, not at all, he just wanted to know if they were going to be okay.
Armin’s breathing paused for a second– “I said that?” He questioned, his voice wavering with nerves. He can’t even remember properly what he’d said, he was too into the moment to even care.
The other nodded softly, letting Armin take his time to form his reply.
“Well… Yeah.” The blonde confirmed, his heart doing a somersault. “And I know that you probably don’t– and that’s okay! At least you know how I feel, y’know–”
“Would it be selfish to ask for a second chance, Armin?” Jean interrupted his monologue as he put one hand over Armin’s. “Would I sound like a total asshole if I asked you for a fresh start?” Yup, Armin’s definitely going into cardiac arrest. What?
He’d expected any outcome for today, except this. Maybe a bit of small talk, silly glances during the night, dumb jokes between them, but this? This was a huge question (not that he didn’t know the answer to it, though).
“Would I be an asshole if I told you that I’ve been wanting that for a long time?” He replied, intertwining his hand with the other’s, who slowly brought them to kiss Armin’s.
“You wouldn’t, Min.” Jean assured, a small smile appearing on his lips as Armin got a bit closer to him and rested his head on his shoulder.
“Then, what do we have, if it’s not time?” And that single phrase changed everything for the night, for them, forever.