Chapter Text
"OMG is that your brother Kieran?"
"Yeah but keep your voice down otherwise he can hear us!"
And yet still he could hear them but he didn't bother to tell them.
"What he's doing at the moment?"
"I dunno, living his life probably. He's rarely talking to me when he also moved."
"I see..."
Brief silence.
"Anway... Did you see what happened yesterday?"
Of corse they switched the topic. Nothing had changed. So he could be alone with his thoughts. At least Kitakami was filled with beautiful memories.
Sure it was bad that his grandpa died but he didn't feel sad. Because luckily he got old, lived his life and passed away peacefully in his bed. He couldn't understand why people would cry over that but he didn't talk it down either. Everyone was grieving differently.
"Oh hey. What's Kieran do for a living?"
Why did they talk about him again? He wasn't that interesting? And why it had to be about the job and not about his interests? Maybe it was better that way because he rarely was compatible with his special interests.
"I don't know just ask him."
"I thought he's your brother."
"Yeah but he still is very quiet and really doesn't talk to me or the rest of our family."
Why should he? He couldn't talk to Carmine because he felt some kind of shame. She lived her dream life. She wasn't the best trainer not even at the Blueberry Academy back then but she travelled along with friends and could express her life as much as she wanted. And she was an asked model even to this day with her age even though the industry would label her as old as soon as she hit her 30s. But she was the one who revolutionized the model and influencer industry. Or people said so.
Oh yeah, the time at the Blueberry Academy! That was a time back then. He got bullied at school but still it was a better time when he was with his mother. The time in Kitakami and at the academy were precious to him.
He visited with Carmine their grandparents when Briar brought Florian and some other folks to Kitakami. He was so intrigued to him because he beat Carmine with ease. But he never said a word or tried to befriend with him. He was just a silent part of the trio.
"Why you're asking?" My sister kept asking, "You think he's cute? I mean I still look better than him. And also: He's gay!"
"I was just curious."
Not really. He was attracted to every gender but he prefers men. But people did what people always did: Just listening with one ear. He never was in a relationship before and he probably never will. But he didn't mind. His Pokémon can guide him perfectly through life. Especially his Furret who would love him anyway. He always thought because he was boring. No matter if friend or possible love interest it was always the same...
"Kiki! Hey Kiki!" His sister brought him back, "The ceremony get started. Let's sit down."
He followed her and sat down next to her and their grandma. He really didn't want to sit next to his mother. He couldn't endure more complains about her life, his life and life of other people in general anymore and rather wanted to comfort the onw who was actually there for him. It was bad enough, that he had to battle against the bad habits she had unwillingly carved into him.
While the ceremony started he just felt... distant.
It was similar with the funeral of his father. He was a teenager back then. Sure it was bad that her father died at such a young age but... He was suffering because of his illness and couldn't live on his own anymore. That's why Kieran was okay with it when his suffering finally ended. His father just existed in his bed or his wheelchair only particularly knew what was happening because his brain was too damaged to realize. He still was mentally aware enough to question himself why he was still alive anyway.
Kieran still cried while his dad's funeral. Not because of his loss but rather because of his own life. He was bad at school and his mother put him under pressure that no one would hire him when he finished school with these bad grades. At this moment he was afraid of his future and wondered why he still existed when everything he did was wrong anyway. It sounded similar... didn't it? That was the reason why he cried. And he felt bad about this thought that he wasn't grieving this hard like everyone else. Luckily enough people just saw the surface. A crying teenager who lost his dad even though that wasn't the whole story.
He, who watched his father slowly fade had taught him that sometimes death was not the worst outcome. This time however, as an adult, he didn't cry. He didn't cry and was there for his grieving grandmother. And yet still, he thought about himself how broken he was back then. He still was it today. Some things never change. But one thing stayed the same. Instead of grieving he just thought about his life and how empty it felt compared to other lives.
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇ ⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇
After the whole ceremony was over, the people just build their groups together. Just because of blood relation Kieran was in the core group with his family. If that didn't was the case he probably would have been stayed away from every group. Not because he didn't like people it was exactly the opposite. It was because he didn't fit in. Every time when he tried he got welcomed but then slowly distanced himself again 'cause he had no topic anymore to talk about. He just kept listening to the blabberings...
How Carmine travelled with her friends to Alola and broke up with her boyfriend.
And their mother...
Their mother...
She just complained again how one of her neighbors is so stupid to believe that she would see her as a friend. Instead of accepting someone who wanted to spend time with her she just complained because she wasn't happy enough about this person in general. She rather played along and used this person for her own needs.
Kieran didn't understand why someone can act so diabolical. If he would have a friend who liked him, was interested in him, he would try to keep the contact no matter what.
He sighed and wandered around with his eyes through the hall. Everyone seemed to be happy with a slight hint of sadness. He heard every conversation but couldn't understand them for obvious reasons. He didn't know how he should feel. He just had no business to be there anymore. But he just didn't want to leave that soon. He didn't want to be rude even though people already thought that. He was here just for the sake of being here. It was not like that the funeral didn't matter he just couldn't understand why he just should stay at the after ceremony.
"Oh hiiii! It's so nice to see you all!"
Oh no... Why does someone wants to talk? He thought.
"I'm soooo sorry that your husband died!"
He just sighed as resignated as he was. It was just an unnecessary repeat to him. And it got worse! Carmine and his mother just repeated the same what they said before. But the best, or the worst part, he wasn't sure about this, was, that no one asked him how he was doing. On one hand it was good because there wasn't that much to tell and then the awkwardness afterwards felt bad but on the other hand...
He felt like no one really cared for him. People just told him he should just change his life. When he asked how people just told him the most different "options" how "easy" it was to make his life better:
"Just go out more often!"
He did! He took walks, grocery shopping, went to work and even planned some day trips with himself.
"You have to think positively. "
Sure when you work on a low salary base and you got home from work a bit hungry because it was the end of a month where he just ate some pasta and got overstimulated then maybe he could think positively.
"Just look for a new hobby."
He already had some hobbies but he rarely could express himself with them. And yet still nothing changed.
"Some people have it worse than you."
As if it was a competition who had got it worse in life.
"You just need to get to some people."
He really couldn't. He tried. But the surroundings didn't understand him and he already was chronically online. But even on platforms he couldn't find some friends. After some days, weeks or month people didn't text him back. Maybe they were tired of him, had their own life or didn't like him anymore.
"Have you tried to go to therapy?"
He did and he felt better that was true. But that didn't change that he lived in an environment where almost everyone in the small town where he lived, is content with their quiet lives and fit neatly into the pattern of the town. He simply didn't belong in there. Finding a new job is difficult with all the employers who had unrealistic expectations of their future employees. On top of that he was often far too exhausted to even start looking for new work. The salary wasn't enough either.
He heard these sentences too often and declined them at the same time. That was the point where people just told him that it was his fault that he was sad when he didn't accept these "offers" people made him.
They couldn't see the complexity of his situation or they didn't want to or it was a mixture of both but it was too exhausting for everyone to listen. He didn't even wanted to get his life fixed by someone. He just simply wanted someone who wanted to listen to him. Someone who didn't got bored of it or didn't think that his hobbys, his thought process, his ideas, his interests were weird, too cringe or too much.
All he just wanted was a normal life and connections. He wanted that since he was a child.
He felt like he was broken... His whole life was just complicated. It wasn't that he was born into it. No... it had different factors and he already knew why. He just didn't want to talk about it.
Thank god that person really didn't notice him and went away after this unnecessary small talk. It seemed like they accepted it that Kieran the black currant was also the black sheep of this family. He would probably stay for one or two hours but then he would went back home. His Pokémon weren't that big or strong so he had to use the train.