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It was three weeks into his time in the safe house, and Kevin Cozner was… well, one might say warming up to Jacob Peralta.
The younger cop was still quite annoying a lot of the time; Jacob would be the first to admit this of himself (he actually seemed proud of it sometimes), but Kevin found that what had once infuriated him to no end about the detective was now making Kevin view him as maybe someone more than just Raymond’s colleague.
(Although, Kevin knew Raymond well enough to know Jacob and the other members of the inner circle had been more than just his colleagues for quite some time now.)
Kevin had never thought he would have anything in common with the seemingly irresponsible, immature, brash Jacob Peralta, but not only was that completely untrue, but Kevin also noticed that something had… changed within the young man. His face, which used to be almost constantly set into a goofy grin, seemed to have a more stoic expression (although Kevin definitely still saw that grin very often, which made him more pleased than he would have liked to admit), and though Jacob still constantly made pop culture references that Kevin did not understand no matter how many times Jacob tried to explain them to him (“What do you mean you don’t know who Taylor Swift is?”), the detective certainly seemed more adult than the last time Kevin had seen him before the safe house, which had been a little over three months ago.
Kevin knew what happened in those months certainly had something to do with Jacob’s new behavior- he had been there the entire time for the obviously distraught Raymond when Jacob and Rosa were in prison, making sure he didn’t pass out after working non-stop to get the evidence they needed to get the detectives back.
He could hardly imagine how bad it must have been for Jacob to actually be in prison.
Poor boy.
Kevin looked across the couch from where he was reading- it was dark out, so they were finally allowed to have their curtain closed (Kevin’s back certainly needed it, after not being able to sit up straight all day)- to where Jacob was sitting with his legs crossed and his hands clutching his knees, watching some movie about dying hard and whatnot (Kevin had to admit, he had forgotten most of the details Jacob spouted to him about the it). At Kevin’s request, the movie was on mute (he found it hard to focus on reading with too much background noise) and so Jacob was watching with captions on, although they didn’t seem necessary, seeing as he had practically memorized the movie already.
Kevin hadn’t seen the movie about dying (Jacob’s favorite, he knew- he had caught his husband secretly watching it after work one day about a couple years into working with Jacob), but figured he didn’t need to see it due to the fact that Jacob had already spoiled the entirety of it already, along with spilling information Kevin wasn’t sure even the directors themselves knew because of how specific it was. How was Jacob able to memorize the birthdays or each actor (including the side ones) but forget what time to come in for work?
Kevin shook his head fondly as Jake jumped, grinning as he whispered, “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker” under his breath, practically vibrating with excitement.
He had to admit- he did think he was starting to see what Raymond saw when he looked at the young detective. The dimples, the little curl of hair in front of his face, the charming yet goofy grin, and the unfunny jokes that Kevin never laughed at, but he still appreciated Jacob for trying to cheer him up at such a harrowing time in his life.
Being in the safe house only added to his resolution of why he would never be a cop- I mean, look at where it had got Jacob and Raymond and so many of the other important people in his husband’s life! Jacob and Rosa were wrongfully imprisoned for only attempting to do the right thing, and Raymond and the aforementioned young man had changed their identities and moved away from everyone they knew and loved for months because someone was threatening to end their lives!
Although three weeks was nowhere near the half a year Jacob had spent in Florida and the two months in jail, Kevin thought he finally was starting to understand a part of how cops must feel undercover; how people in the witness protection program must feel changing who they are.
It was unfair, really, that anyone had looked at that face and thought about killing him or sending him to prison.
At least he was here now. Not all cops were that lucky.
Kevin shivered a bit at the thought of Jacob, sweet, kind Jacob, as just another number on a plaque.
As if proof of the caring person he was, Jacob tore his eyes away from his film at Kevin’s discomfort and raised his eyebrows in question as he tried to decipher what was wrong.
“Everything’s all right, Jacob,” Kevin assured, hoping to calm him down- he was surprisingly more attentive than Kevin remembered. Attentive and jumpy.
Kevin grew more and more concerned as the young detective’s alertness didn’t seem to be going away.
“Jacob?” Kevin said, placing his book down and standing up to reach out towards Jacob.
This turned out to not be the greatest decision he had ever made, seeing as Jake proceeded to grab the older man’s wrist and promptly flip Kevin onto his back on the floor.
“Oh,” Kevin said after he had been flipped.
Somehow Jacob had managed to pin him down without hurting him, so he wasn’t in any pain, although he was a bit surprised. And concerned for his attacker, seeing as Jacob was seemingly having a difficult time breathing at the moment.
“Fuck, fuck, Kevin, I’m so sorry,” He managed in breathing ragged gasps of air, moving backwards towards the entrance of the room as Kevin got up and dusted himself off.
“Jacob, it’s quite alright, I’m not hurt, and- Oh, no. You seem to be having trouble breathing. Would you mind taking a deep breath for me, if possible?”
He stepped towards Jacob to hopefully show him what he meant, but the young man backed up even more and seemingly only began breathing faster, warning Kevin not to come near him with a panicked look on his face as he flapped his hands manically in an attempt to self-soothe.
“N-no, Kevin, don’t come near me right now, this just happens sometimes, it’s fine, I’m fine! I just don’t want to hurt you or anything-”
“Again, I was not hurt, only surprised. Now, it would make me feel better if you could follow my breathing pattern for a second, yes, that’s in, look me in the eye, and count in for four-” Kevin breathed in for four seconds to show to Jacob what he meant in the hopes that it would be easier to understand in his panic. “-And out for five. Again, in for four, and out for five.”
Kevin sat back down on the couch and paused the movie so as to overwhelm Jacob any further, noticing immediately how the detective seemed to relax slightly when he did. Was he scared… of Kevin?
“Jacob, I promise you, there is nothing to be scared of,” Kevin assured.
“You should be scared of me,” Jacob replied quietly. “I attacked you, I should be in jail, don’t make me go back there, please, please, please, I can’t go back-”
Ah. So that was what this was about.
“Deep breaths, Jacob. Remember.” Instead of listening, Jacob’s breathing seemed to get even faster as he hit the wall and slid down, bringing his knees up to his chest.
“No, no, no, no, no, it’s not safe, I can’t-”
“Jacob, I’m going to come closer. Is that alright?”
When Kevin wasn’t met with an answer, he decided to just continue with what he thought was best, feeling out of his depth with the immense display of emotion shown from Jake but understanding that he was really the only person around to help. He moved across the room slowly, crouching down in front of Jacob, who had his head down and was still muttering incomprehensibly.
Alright, Kevin, a voice in his head said. You will not let Jacob down. He’s been through enough, and he’s given up so much to keep you safe here. Return the favor.
“Try to breathe with me, Jacob. In for one… two… three… four… and out. One… two… three… four… five… In again…”
Kevin sat in front of Jacob repeating the breathing exercise, one he had learned from Raymond a little while after his parents had stopped answering his calls, on those nights when he felt a little too overwhelmed at having been kicked out with no warning (well, there had been warning that his parents were awful, but Kevin had been too oblivious to see it).
Although Jacob didn’t speak anything of it, after a couple minutes, his breathing seemed to be slowing down, and he had lifted his head up so that he was looking down at the floor, his knees still protecting him. He took a shaky breath in and out with Kevin before looking up, his eyes red rimmed.
“T-thanks,” He croaked. “I’ I’m s-sorry you had to deal with all… that.”
“You’re welcome, Jacob. And don’t apologize. I presume that wasn’t voluntary and you were in need of help.”
“I… I’m usually fine alone. So you don’t have to worry next time.”
“Usually? Whatever do you mean?”
Jacob sighed. “I dunno. Ever since prison I’ve just been… really scared. All the time. There were always people in there trying to kill me. I couldn’t really let my guard down. And I know the real world isn’t constantly that dangerous, but I think… I think my brain forgets that sometimes.”
“I see.” Kevin wasn’t surprised. Prison was certain to change people, and Jacob would be no different. “And why haven’t you told anyone about your… struggles? I assume by the way you said ‘usually’ that these panic attacks happen often.”
“Oh, they’re not… huh. Actually, I guess they are.” Jacob paused, as if considering what to say next. “I dunno. I feel like… prison already changed me so much, and a lot of it was good change. I think my fami- my friends at the nine-nine and Amy see me as someone strong. I… I don't know how to explain it. I don’t want them to see me in a bad way.”
Kevin nodded. “I do believe I understand. It is common to want your family to approve of you.”
“We’re not actually-”
“Family isn’t always equal to blood,” Kevin interrupted. “You can decide on who deserves that title. That was something I found out the hard way. But now I’ve got Raymond, and Cheddar, and I’ve built a life for myself without my parents.” He turned back to Jacob and looked him in the eye. “But your family is different, I think. I trust that they would love you just the same even if you opened up to them and explained your struggles. In fact, they would probably be proud of you for telling them.”
“...Really?”
Kevin nodded again. “That’s how you decide who your family is. If they won’t support you and love you unconditionally no matter what you may be dealing with, if they don’t accept you through the good and the bad, then you were never really family to begin with. And I assure you the ninety-ninth precinct is not like that.”
“And you’re sure you’re not just projecting?”
Kevin breathed out a laugh. “Perhaps a little. But I still stand by what I said. Family should love you and stay with you no matter what.”
“So my dad is out of the running?” Jacob half- joked.
“Seems like it,” Kevin replied.
“That’s a relief.” Jacob looked down again before continuing. “Are you gonna tell Holt about this?”
“I think it would be better for everyone if you told him yourself. Or at least told somebody. Amy is your girlfriend, yes?”
“Yeah,” Jacob breathed. “Maybe I should tell them. I mean, how bad can it go? You said they’ll be there for me, right? I trust that.”
“Telling family things can be hard, but in the end it often turns out better than expected as long as they’re the right people.”
“Yeah, I mean, this conversation has gone pretty good, I think!”
The young detective grinned before realizing the implications of what he had just said.
“Uh-! I mean, not that I consider you as family, I mean I do? But like you don’t have to see me like that as well you’re just my dad, I mean not really, but family doesn’t have to be blood, right? But not to pressure you into being my dad or whatever, I totally get that that’s wacko and not normal and I’m probably weirding you out right now-”
“Only a tad,” Kevin replied. “And that’s alright. I’ve been ‘weirded out’ before. Although I suppose I see you as my… family as well. My strange mashup of a family consisting of my dog, my husband, and my husband’s coworkers.”
“We’re the best family,” Jacob decided, yawning and cracking his neck.
Kevin let show the tiniest hint of a smile. “Agreed.”
Perhaps he could last a bit longer in the safe house, as long as Jake was there.