Chapter Text
It's a cold mundane January morning, Sam is sitting on the front steps of the motel room. For most people today it's the 3rd Tuesday of the year, January 15th, 2008. For Sam Winchester today it's the 25th Tuesday of the year, January 15th, 2008.
He has watched Dean die 23 times and he already feels like he's going crazy. He's sitting outside because he needs a moment to breathe, it's not going to stop Dean from dying all day but it gives him a minute.
He's tested it, Dean doesn't die if he's not there to see it. On the 7th, 8th and 13th Tuesday he tried to leave town. First he drove west I-75 and opened his eyes to Heat of The Moment just as he was crossing over to Collier County. The next time he went south and woke up before he reached Miami. The last he drove north, same results.
Whatever was killing Dean didn't want him to die as much as they wanted Sam to watch him die. So he'd taken to sitting outside for a second, this way there would be no slipping in the shower, choking on tacos or getting electrocuted.
He and Dean haven't gone to the diner in a while and he figures there's not much use in staying in the room where no matter what, Dean dies. If he manages to keep him in bed, the ceiling will cave in, if he doesn't, he trips and breaks his neck, or cracks his head on the table, or accidentally shoots himself.
He won't find anything new here, so breakfast it is.
The weather is okay, and maybe it's the anxiety that's beginning to take over his days, but he feels like it's 10 degrees colder than it actually is. He takes a deep breath and goes back inside the room.
Dean is looking for his gun when he opens the door. He looks up at Sam and flashes him a grin with a bra that came from god knows where. Sam finds he's having a difficult time breathing past the lump in his throat at the sight of his brother smiling.
They walk down the street and it's the same old conversation, Sam gets compared to Phil Connors for the hundredth time.
"I'm just saying, this is a little crazy, even for us crazy. You know, like-"
"Dingo-ate-my-baby crazy? Yeah I get it Dean."
"How the hell did you know I was going to say that?" His brother makes the same expression he has for the past 20 days.
"You've said it before Dean, we talk about this everyday." He can't help the attitude he's giving his brother, it's not his fault but he's just about had it with Dean not believing him every time.
"Okay well don't give me that, how could I have known that?" Sam doesn't even look, just reaches a hand out and pulls Dean towards him by his jacket. Dean's about to protest before he sees the bird shit that just fell where he was before.
"Okay fine, I believe you, but how come I don't remember? Is it because I die?" If his brother notices the flinch Sam barely manages to contain, he has the decency to not mention it. "Are you sure it's not about keeping me alive?"
"I don't know Dean, maybe it is but I can't seem to keep you breathing no matter what I do. We figure it's not something set in stone that you have to die today. It's more like something is making me relive Tuesday and if I stop a death it finds a way to kill you. It's something killing you on purpose and deliberately, not fate or whatever."
They make it to the diner and Sam takes Mr.Pickett's keys, it's second nature by now. They sit down at their table and Doris comes by. Sam still can't look at her without seeing an arrow sticking out of his brother, so he looks at the menu instead of her. He's so bored he's taken to ordering a new thing everyday, not much else to pass the time.
"Sam, what the fuck are Kool-aid pickles? You're going to get food poisoning from that."
He's kind of glad Dean doesn't remember dying every day, his brother's jokes and good mood are just about the only thing keeping him going.
"They're called Koolickles, Dean. Get it right."
"Shut up, there's no way I'm calling them that. Koolickles? Never mind food poisoning, you're going to get an STD with a name like that."
He's in a good enough mood that the small laugh he lets out is not forced. Dean can tell, he grins back at Sam in triumph just in time for Doris to come over with his coffee.
Sam catches the hot sauce without looking and shoots the woman a tight smile.
"That happen often too?" Dean seems a little wary now, this is usually when it sinks that Sam is most definitely not high.
"Every time we come here, she's very…clumsy. At everything." He ignores the strange look his brother's giving him and watches Judge Myers eat his melon. Sam is pretty sure the man scarred him for life a few Tuesdays ago, when he was following everyone from the diner home. He should've never peeked through the guy's curtains.
Sam shudders involuntarily and focuses back on his brother instead.
They finish their breakfast without any incidents and take their leave.
"So what do you want to do now?"
Dean stops by the dog, Sam pulls him back towards the wall, far out of the mutt's reach and turns to talk to him.
"I don't know man, I mean, I've tried a lot of things by now. I guess we could walk around town, see if anything seems a little weird or something."
"That works for me." They set off again. Sam feels a bit like a little kid, he grabs Dean's sleeve and looks both ways when he crosses the street. Better this than a repeat of the second day. Dean looks at him sideways but doesn't say much, they get to the other side and his brother claps him in the back. He's saying "I see it, and I'm here" without having to say it, and Sam has to bite back a smile at how well he's known.
"Have you talked to people in town?"
"Yeah, some of the ones we come across, I haven't gone to the park though."
"Okay let's go there then."
Sam makes it a few blocks acting normal before he gives up. He takes advantage of the fact that Dean's too emotionally constipated to have a serious conversation and grabs at the end of his brother's sleeve again. Dean, like he expected, keeps walking like it's nothing.
It probably looks a little ridiculous, a man as tall as Sam holding onto another guy like he's 2 decades younger. He does feel a little ridiculous, but he figures it doesn't matter much. None of these people will remember this tomorrow, not even Dean. He needs some comfort, sue him.
They get to the park before Sam is ready. By the way Dean stops before going anywhere, he knows too. He turns Sam with a hand on his shoulder and lets it linger there.
"You okay Sammy? We don't have to do this if you don't want to, maybe we could just sit down for a while. You'll always have today to do this."
Dean's poor attempt at a joke does nothing to cheer up Sam, but he appreciates that his brother offered.
"I'm fine Dean, just tired is all."
"I get it, I mean I don't, but I understand. Hey how about this, you said I don't die if you're not there right?"
Sam meets his eyes and nods, Dean's gaze on him is softer than usual.
"Okay so, let's split up, you go talk to the right side of the park, I'll go the opposite way. We don't have to worry about me kicking the bucket while we're investigating. We'll meet back up at that bench over there" He points to one that's under a pretty big tree. "And we'll talk, see if we can figure out what's going on, yeah?"
"Sure, Dean"
He feels a little relieved, he's anxious that his brother's not with him but this way he knows he's not dead. This way he can focus on the questions he's asking people without worrying about a tree branch crushing his brother or someone killing him or Dean falling or Sam messing up.
They meet back up about an hour later and Sam is just about ready to go back to the motel and try to get some rest before he's woken up by Asia, a few more days and he will destroy that damn radio.
Dean flops into the bench next to him and goes limp. Sam made sure Dean wasn't under any tree branches. His brother is sweating a bit, which is weird because the weather is not hot enough for that. He figures he put an extra layer on today and is now regretting it.
"Man this sucks, people in Florida are weird."
"They're normal Dean, we're just used to weird, and besides me waking up on the same day for the past three weeks, nothing else seems strange here."
"Wait, it's been three weeks?"
Sam averts his gaze, he can't look at his brother for this.
"What, I didn't mention it? Yeah Dean, 23 days."
"Shit, no wonder you're so cranky, can't imagine you'll be a big fan of Asia after this."
Sam has to bite back a scream, because Dean might be making a joke but it's not fair that he's downplaying how much him dying has affected Sam. Not when he knows what it feels like. Instead he breathes, he knows his brother tends to believe people love him less than they actually do.
"Maybe not Dean but that's not the point. Maybe I'm in a bad mood because the brother I've been trying to save for the past 9 months has died in my arms over and over again and I can't seem to save him no matter how much I do. Dean, you know what it feels like, I don't think I can do this for much longer. I lose you every day and I can't…I just can't."
Dean's quiet this time, and only this makes him realize he's sniffling, it's the first time he's cried without his brother limp and cold in his arms.
He feels an arm go around him and leans his head against his brother's shoulder. Sam can't see him but he feels the rise and fall of his chest. His brother alive next to him just brings more tears to his eyes.
"It's okay Sammy, we'll figure it out together yeah? I still have 4 months to go before you're rid of me."
"Don't say that, I'm going to find a way to save you. I will save you today, no matter how many Tuesdays I have to go through, and I'm going to save you before May."
Dean doesn't say anything, he just squeezes Sam's shoulder once more, Sam knows what he's thinking.
"Listen Dean, I know you don't think we'll be able to stop the demons from…" He gets choked up every time he thinks about the date the Hellhounds will come for Dean. "from coming for you. But we have to, you hear me? You're in this mess because of me. You can't die and leave me here. You're all I have Dean, I can't lose you. We're hunters and that doesn't come with a long lifespan, but you're my big brother, you can't die. Not yet."
He stops to breathe for a few beats, he appreciates that Dean's letting him stop. He doesn't even have to say anything, but he knows his brother doesn't like emotional conversations and it's nice that he's letting Sam get this off his chest.
"I need you here okay? I need you here to remind me to eat anything other than salads. I need you here to make stupid jokes and puns. I need you here to watch stupid movies in motel rooms. I need you here to catch up on shows whenever we go up to Bobby's. I need you here to banter with. I need you here to embarrass me in front of other people. I need you here because hunts are not worth it without you. I need you here, driving the Impala, I like driving it but I don't belong behind the wheel Dean. She's yours and you should be here to care for her. I need you here to care for me too. I'll stop the deal, no matter what, I have to. "
He's a little breathless by the time he stops talking, he's still crying and that's not helping him get any air in. Sam is halfway through calming himself down when he notices Dean should've said something by now. A reassurance, a joke or a deflection. "No chick-flick moments" rule is usually ignored if one of them is crying. It's strange and by now, Sam realizes, not normal.
"Dean?"
Dean's eyes are closed when he sits up. It's now he notes that his brother is clammy, sweat dripping down his brow. Sam grabs his shoulder and shakes him.
"Dean?!"
His brother is not responding and Sam swears his heart stops beating when his head flops forwards. He holds Dean's face between his palms, it doesn't make sense that he was sweating and at the same time this cold to the touch.
"Dean! Come on man, it's not funny!"
At this point his screams have attracted other people around them, none of them come too close and stand in a circle around him, whispering. He doesn't pay attention to them at all. He's really panicking now.
"Dean! Please man, not again, not yet…"
The tears that were previously drying up have resumed. He's close to hysterics, he can barely breathe through the panic and the begging.
"Please, god not now. Dean! Open your eyes! Please."
His brother's hand twitches where it's resting against Sam's leg and he lets one of his hands fall from Dean's face to grip his hand.
"I'm here man. I'm here, open your eyes. Please Dee, please don't. I can't anymore."
Sam is choking on sobs. No matter how many times he sees this it doesn't get any easier. This is his brother. He knows logically that he will wake up in a few minutes to the same ugly flamingos by his headboard. It doesn't stop him from crying his brother's name over and over.
"Dean. Dean please, wake up man. You said we'd figure it out." He's blabbing through snot and tears, he doesn't think Dean would understand if he could hear him, he doesn't care.
"I'm begging you, don't take him again. Come back to me, please Dee."
A single tear slips down Dean's cheek, followed by a squeeze of Sam's hand. He looks down.
The last thing he sees before he blacks out is a red angry mark in the back of Dean's hand. A spider bite.
~~~
"I never meant to be so bad to you."
It's always strange waking up the next day, or technically the same day, whatever. He can be near hysterics a second before, but the day resets him too. So he wakes up and feels fine for about a millisecond before it all hits him.
"One thing I said that I would never do."
He's just about had it with Heat of The Moment, so he takes a second with his eyes still closed and focuses on breathing in and out.
"A look from you and I would fall from grace."
It's at this moment Sam realizes this isn't the part of the song he has woken up to the past 23 days. He usually wakes up to Dean increasing the volume as the song is ending.
"And that would wipe the smile right from my face."
Speaking of Dean, he hasn't heard the usual greeting and that's even weirder. He opens his eyes and shoots up in his bed- no wait, he's on a couch. He's not in the motel anymore.
"Do you remember when we used to dance?"
He's in a living room in a house. He's sitting on a couch in front of the fireplace, there's an armchair on the opposite side. He throws the blanket off him and stands up to look around.
"One thing led to another we were young."
Behind him are two doors on opposite corners of the room. One door is open and has stairs leading up to something he can't see. The other door, which he assumes leads to the rest of the ground floor, is closed.
"And we would scream together songs unsung.
The windows are open but there are curtains covering whatever is outside. There is sunlight peeking through the gaps. It gives the room a weirdly peaceful and ethereal atmosphere.
The song cuts off right before the chorus starts and there's a pop behind him. Sam turns around so fast he has to put a hand on the couch's arm rest so as to not fall over. There's a man sitting on the armchair opposite to him. It takes him a moment to place the face. It's the trickster he and Dean killed a while ago.
"Oh don't give me that look Winchester, actually killing me would be a little harder."
"Are you the one doing this?! You have the power to do it, don't you?"
The Trickster smirks at him and that's as good as confirmation as he's going to get before he's lunging towards the man.
He makes it a step before he blinks and he's sitting back on the couch. He tries to get up again but finds something is keeping his legs locked.
"Sorry bucko, usually I'd have no problem keeping you free, but I need to be able to have a conversation with you today."
Sam knows it's futile but he keeps struggling at the invisible bonds. His hands are free but he doesn't even have anything on him to throw.
"Maybe you should've thought about that before you killed my brother." He bares his teeth. "24 times!"
He's snarling the words at the Trickster, he's been suffering at this guy's hands for almost a month. He's not going to roll over for him.
"Yeah I know, probably not my best idea yet, I'm sorry."
That stops him, he's sorry? What the hell is he on?
"You're sorry? You killed him 5 minutes ago, you bastard!"
"I did, yeah. I needed a way to get you here, and I figured you'd freak out a little less if it happened when the loop reset."
Sam's really confused, what is the Trickster trying to achieve here?
"Okay look, let's get straight to the point. Yes, I was the one who stuck you in a time loop. Don't get me wrong, killing Dean a bunch of times was an absolute delight." Sam tries to lunge at him again, how fucking dare he. "Ah ah ah," The Trickster raises a finger at him," don't blame me, the guy did stab me. Anyway, that's not the reason I was killing him."
"So I was right, you're killing him because you want me to watch him die. I just don't understand why."
The Trickster whistles.
"I guess they were right about your smarts, college boy. You've got it."
Sam says nothing, he's breathing heavy from the strain against the power on him. All he does is glare at the man in front of him, if he wants to talk, he'll have to do so himself, Sam's not going to ask shit.
"Yeah okay deserved." The Trickster's smile vanishes and is replaced by a serious look, it doesn't look natural on him. "It's all about you Sam," He leans forward, joins his hands and rests his elbows on his knees. "Azazel placing all his special children in one place last year was not the only plan Hell has for you."
"How do you even know about that?" He's asking before the rest catches up with him. "Wait what other plans?"
"They want you crazy. They want you so mad with grief for your brother you'll fall right into their open arms."
"I would never work with demons, especially not if Dean's in Hell, at their mercy. I wouldn't do what they asked."
The Trickster loses his serious face and throws his head back in laughter. He doesn't understand, Hell is going against them, why would he ever cooperate with them?
"Because, Samsquatch-"
"Excuse me?"
"-it's not going to look like you're doing what they want, quite the opposite actually."
Sam can't help but stare, this guy's toying with him on purpose, he's not being straight with him.
"You're speaking in riddles Trickster, just get to the point."
"Yeesh, so impatient. Do you know who Lilith is?"
"Yes, she was mentioned to me."
Sam was not about to tell him about Ruby.
"Figured, probably mentioned by that demon that keeps sniffing around you."
…
Never mind.
"You see Sam, I don't know how much she told you. Lilith, happens to play a big part in bringing the end of times about."
"What? Like the apocalypse?"
"That's right, you see, there's something like a…" He waves a hand around like he's thinking on how to say it. "Let's call it a prophecy. Lilith needs to be killed, and that's what brings Armageddon down on humanity. There are however a couple of issues. One, no one is quite strong enough to bring her down. Two, Lilith's death needs to happen after your brother goes to Hell."
"Why do they need to have Dean in Hell before she dies?"
"Ah, details, details, not that important. Anyway, back to you. Hell wants you angry, they want you depressed, lost and malleable. Someone will then come to you, and convince you to turn your vengeance onto Lilith."
Sam kind of sees how that could work. The past three weeks have let him see how desperate and furious he gets when it concerns Dean. If he needed an outlet, he knows how easy it'd be to throw everything he has towards that one goal. However, there are clearly some things the Trickster still hasn't told him.
"Assuming I believe you, if I know this, why would I go after her anyway?"
The Trickster grimaces, he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else.
"You're trying to find a way to save Dean, and Lilith happens to be the demon that holds his contract. If you can't save him, who do you think you'll blame?"
Sam knows he's right, but that's not the point. His mind zeroes in on the fact that she's the one with the claim on his brother's soul. If he can kill her, he might be able to save his brother. How did he not know she was the demon that held Dean's contract? Did Ruby know?
"Ah see, I know that look. It's exactly what got us all in this mess to begin with. You and your brother can't let each other go at all. You're so irrationally codependent on each other, you'll watch the rest of us burn before you let go of Dean."
"What do you expect me to do, just let him die? He's my brother, and it's my fault he sold his soul in the first place."
The Trickster face softens a little, Sam is now realizing he hasn't thought about why he's doing this.
"I know how important your brother is to you, but I also don't want humanity wiped." Sam arches an eyebrow. "Don't even look at me like that, I go around giving people their just desserts, not committing mass murder."
"So your solution was to, what? Make me experience Dean dying over and over again. Didn't you think for a second that maybe that would just make me more determined to save him?"
The man closes his eyes and sighs.
"Listen kiddo, this is not going anywhere. I'm trying to offer a solution here and you're not even listening. I'm not going to muzzle you, but I want to talk and you're going to listen, capeesh?
Sam purses his lips and gives in.
"Fine, but there better be a point to all this."
"Or what? "The Trickster stops and shakes his head. "Never mind. Listen, the reason I stuck you in a time loop, was to try to teach you a lesson." Sam opens his mouth. "No, shut up. I was telling one of my…friends, what I was trying to teach you. She called me an idiot, and gave me a book on grief, can you believe that? Like I should give you therapy or something. Anyway, I read it because I was getting a little bored. Apparently, killing a loved one more than once will not make you humans feel less grief over losing them."
Sam has to roll his eyes, no shit it doesn't help.
"Yeah yeah, whatever, not my brightest day. I realized that of course there was no way you were going to let go of your brother, he's all you have. Anybody will hang on to dear life to the one thing keeping them afloat."
Sam kind of slumps after that, of course he's not going to let his brother die, he can't lose him.
"And because my genius is almost frightening, I came up with a new idea." He grins like that means anything to Sam, most of his ideas have not ended well for them.
"With no due respect, but is that supposed to make me feel better?"
The Trickster's smile widens even more.
"Just hear me out Sammy-"
"Don't call me that."
"-unfortunately for all of us, I can't void or extend Dean's deal for you. What I can do however, is give you more time."
Sam has a feeling that pause is not for him to respond, it's definitely for dramatic effect. He says nothing and makes a face to imply he's not impressed.
"Okay so, if I keep Dean hidden from demons and Hell hounds, I'll be able to give you time to save him from his deal. So, I'm going to keep Deano somewhere safe, he will become sleeping beauty for let's say, a year? Sounds-"
"You mean you'll keep him in a coma?!" Sam can't help the rise in his voice. "You want me to live a year without my brother?! That's bullshit."
"Hey! You said you would listen." He wags a finger at Sam like he's some misbehaving child. He tries to get up again but finds he's still bound, he turns his glare from his legs to the Trickster and tries to protest again. "Stop. Listen to me Sam. If I want to keep your brother safe, he needs to stay in one place where nobody will see him. You're going to be out in the world, looking for a way to save him. This means you'll live a year without him anyway."
This time when he stops, he seems to be willing to listen to Sam.
"But it doesn't have to be a year! What if I save him before then, and why does he need to be in a coma?"
"The coma is because, look me in the eyes and tell me your brother is not going to go crazy being locked up. He's never going to go with it, even if he could sit still. You'd think he'd agree to leaving you all alone, going after demons and on hunts alone? Yeah right, he'd escape before we could blink, and if I watched him, he'd skin me alive. No thanks. He's going to fall into a deepsleep for his, yours and my own good."
Sam has to say it kind of makes sense, he doesn't like it. He needs to save Dean, if it means his brother gets an extended nap, he's willing to do it. It's better than going to Hell.
"And the year? You honestly think you're going to be able to go look for Lilith, train enough to kill her and go through with it in just a couple months? She's not going to come out of her hole before your brother's due date. The year is just to give you time to get strong enough, because trust me, you won't be able to do shit to her before May."
"Wait, you want me to kill Lilith? Didn't you say her death starts the Apoca-" And it hits him then. "Oh. If Dean's not in Hell, I can kill her and it won't jump start it, not to mention they're not going to be able to do it any time in the future."
The Trickster's entire demeanor brightens as Sam talks, he's smiling wide again.
"So, you're really not just a lumberjack! You got it right, two birds with one stone. You save your brother from his deal, and you avoid the apocalypse."
And Sam has to stop, because this is making him consider it more than he wants to. Can he do this? He has to try. He'd be saving a lot of people. Most importantly, he'd be saving his brother. Not to mention, Azazel had wanted him to lead the demons on earth. He can't think of a better way to stick it to the guy than to do the complete opposite.
His dad had mentioned Dean might have to kill him if he went dark side. Stopping the end of times is not bad, right? Maybe if he did this, there would be hope for him yet. This is assuming the Trickster was telling the truth about all this.
"How do I know you're not lying to me?"
The Trickster smirks at him.
"You can't know, and to be fair, you can't quite trust me either. However we're making a deal, I'd have no reason to keep Dean safe for a year if I was trying to trap you. You don't have to believe me. You can try to find another way to stop your brother's deal, if you don't want to go after Lilith. Not to mention you're welcome to ask around, I'm sure a demon somewhere will tell you she holds his contract."
Sam can't believe he's thinking about this. It makes sense. If it's a deal, the Trickster can't harm Dean for a year, and apparently nothing else could. Even if the guy is lying about Lilith, this means he'd have an extra 8 months to figure out a way to break the deal. Instead of the 4 months they have left now, his brother would survive another year. He might even have a lead on how to save him, after months of nothing. It's more than he's had since last year.
"How can you be sure I'll manage to kill Lilith, or stop Dean's deal? We don't even have The Colt anymore."
"Oh, you sweet naive boy. You don't need The Colt, you could try to get it, but you can kill her yourself. You have it in you."
Sam's palms start sweating at this, he can't be implying…
"You mean my powers? Like how the other kids would control the demons. I can kill her like that?"
The Trickster seems delighted every time Sam deduces something.
"Ah but see, you're much more powerful than the other kids were. You're much more resilient, your powers come easier to you. Good news is, you don't even need to let go. You'd have to train of course, which is also why I'm giving you a year. You don't need anything to boost your powers, the strength inside you is enough."
He makes a face at this. He's implying something but Sam can't tell what.
"Are you trying to be my Yoda or something?"
The Trickster throws his back and cackles. It takes him a while, but when he talks again he seems a little solemn, nostalgia swimming in his gaze.
"Nah kid, I'm not a guide. I am a messenger, that's all."
Sam decides not to comment on this, maybe bringing up bad memories is not the best idea right now.
"How am I supposed to get stronger anyway?"
The Trickster rolls his eyes.
"I can't tell you everything Winchester. Don't you have a psychic you can talk to?"
He thinks about Missouri, she might be able to help him. He nods.
"Let's talk about the rest of the deal." Well that's not suspicious or anything. "The whole point of the time loop was for me to help you live without your brother. This is just a different way, where I'm trying to reach the same result. It means, this year, you need to prove something to me."
Sam has a bad feeling about this.
"You need to prove to me that by the end of the year you are not going to go crazy with grief. The whole point is to prevent you from going dark. I want you to have a life." Sam starts to protest and he stops him with a hand up. "I'm not telling you to forget your brother, or abandon hunting, or leave everything behind. I'm telling you that the entire problem is that you and your brother are so codependent because you're all each other has." He fixes Sam with an intense look. "It doesn't mean you have to love Dean any less. It means I want you to have other people you love, people who are worth staying for."
Sam hesitates, if Dean's not going to be here, he won't have much. Maybe Bobby, but nothing else. He will throw himself into saving Dean and the Trickster knows it.
"I know it's not going to be what you want, but for this deal to work, you need to have other people. I want you to meet at least three new people, and you have to reach a point where you care for them. There's people out there who can help you, Sam. I'm hoping you can learn that."
Sam wishes he could stand, he's getting restless.
"What if I don't want to accept?"
His gaze darkens at that, his smile turns sharper and colder. It forces Sam to remember that no, he's not talking to a human.
"Easy, I send you right back to that motel room." Sam's stomach sinks, for a while he'd forgotten where he was a few moments ago. "You'll live Tuesday after Tuesday, you'll have to witness your brother dying over and over. I'm much older than you think, I could do this forever, I have the patience for it. Don't forget Samuel, I have no problem getting creative with Dean. I'm just offering this because it'll be much easier for you, and benefits more than just me."
Sam swallows, he has to take a second to recompose himself. He can't go back to Dean dying every day, especially now that he knows what's doing it. Living without Dean is not much better, but a year is less time than forever watching him suffer.
"So you're taking my brother from me for a year, after you killed him 24 times. You're sending me on a quest to kill a really strong demon, and you're leaving me some bullshit live laugh love homework?"
The Trickster shrugs, "Yep, you've got it. Great work!" It's condescending this time. Sam is most definitely not pouting.
"Okay anyway, so, deal?"
He's looking at Sam expectantly. It kind of seems like he's trying to look confident, but the tension around his eyes and shoulders betrays him.
"A couple of things first."
If the guy keeps rolling his eyes they'll get stuck in the back of his head. At the very least he seems less tense than he did the rest of the conversation. The Trickster sits back on the arm chair, he snaps his fingers and there's suddenly a sucker in his mouth.
"Of course there is. Go on."
"I want to know that no harm will come to Dean. I want to know he's alright."
The man pauses, he seems to genuinely think on it at least. He shakes his head, but talks before Sam can start.
"You're going to have to trust me on that. The whole point of this is to prove that you can have a life outside the bond you have with Dean. That doesn't work if you can just visit him whenever you want to."
Sam has to blink back tears, he looks down at his lap and thinks hard. Yes living without Dean will be difficult, but not knowing is going to be so much worse. He looks back up at the Trickster, he can't quite place why the man tenses when their eyes meet.
"Stop giving me those eyes," He turns and mutters almost inaudibly. "reminds me of Cassie, they don't even know they're doing it." Sam cocks his head right, who's Cassie? The Trickster makes eye contact again, grimaces and sighs loudly. "Listen, I can do something. How about I let you say goodbye, he's going to be asleep but you can see him one more time. And when Dean's deal comes to pass in May, I'll let you see him the day after. To prove that I kept him safe from the Hellhounds. Does that go with you?"
He guesses it could work, if the Hellhounds don't get Dean by May 3rd, he'll feel a lot better after that. Sam would know his brother is coming back, that'd keep him going.
He closes his eyes and focuses on breathing. He can do this, he made it 4 years at Stanford with just vague hope that he'd see his brother again. This is not that different, it's just that this time Dean's life is in his hands. Dean had confided in him that he didn't want to go to Hell, Sam had promised to do anything in his power to save him. This is the best shot he's got, he owes it to his brother.
He opens his eyes and keeps his voice steady.
"I'll do it."
The Trickster is beaming at him, he seems more relieved than victorious, Sam hopes that's a good sign.
"Perfect!"
He claps his hands and stands up. He walks closer to Sam and stands there with his hands on his hips, sucker still in his mouth.
"Are you just going to sit there?"
It startles Sam into action, he realizes he can move his legs now. He shoots up and looks at the Trickster to make sure it's not a, well, trick. He's just smiling expectantly and it's now that Sam realizes how short the man actually is.
"Do we need to… uh… you know. To seal the deal?"
The Trickster takes a few steps closer to him, he's smirking up at Sam. He says nothing for a few moments before he's laughing.
"Unfortunately, no, Samsquatch. I'm not a demon." He pauses, "We could kiss anyway, if you really want to."
Sam laughs too and rolls his eyes again.
"No, thanks."
"If you say so." He shrugs. "It's more like a pact."
The Trickster snaps a knife into his hand. Sam leans backwards cautiously.
"Relax kid," he says as he brings the blade down to his palm and makes a clean line across it. "If I wanted to kill you, there's easier ways to do it and you know it."
He's right of course, it would probably be as easy as bringing the roof down on Sam's head.
He snaps the knife away and a clean one appears on his uninjured hand. He offers it to Sam hilt first, still smiling around the sucker in his mouth.
Sam accepts it and mimics the cut on his left hand. He extends his hand towards the Trickster's expecting one. Before they can meet, the man retreats, Sam looks up in confusion.
"One more thing," he takes the sucker out of his mouth and points it at Sam. "You're forbidden from looking for a way to wake your brother up. I'm serious, no meddling with our deal, got it? If you do, the contract is broken and I'm free to deliver your brother right to Hell's deepest pit personally."
Sam nods grimly, he wasn't going to anyway but he understands the threat.
"Okay great, let's get this done."
He reaches forward and clasps Sam's bloodied hand with his own. Nothing happens for a second. Then a pressure begins to build between them and in the air.
A light begins to shine through their joint palms. It grows brighter but it doesn't burn, it's like sunlight on a cool day. Like the sun peaking through leaves on a summer day. It's tender and comforting, Sam notes it's the same golden color that The Trickster's eyes are.
Two tendrils of light come up from between their fingers, they snake their way around both wrists. Sam watches the light climb up his arm, when it reaches his shoulder it moves towards his clavicle. The light reaches up and caresses his cheek —Sam most definitely did not lean against it— for a moment before retreating. It works its way back down to his chest and pauses.
It pushes through Sam right where his heart is.
Sam lets out a soft gasp at the sensation, it's not a bad feeling. It wraps itself around his heart and it stings for a moment, then it seems to settle down and rests there. He feels strangely peaceful, the tension in his shoulders has mostly bled away. Sam feels almost full, like there was an empty space inside him he hadn't noticed until it was made into a home for the warmth now snug in his chest.
Sam thinks it's a similar feeling to when he visited Jess's best friend and her cat had made himself cozy in his chest, purring. He sighs in contentment before can stop himself.
He looks up from his own hand hovering over his chest and focuses back on their still together hands.
The light flashes really brightly for a moment, enough to cover his forearm from view. It dies down just as suddenly and the Trickster lets go of his hand. He's smiling, maybe his light had made him feel more relaxed as well.
The Trickster snaps and Sam's palm stops stinging, he looks down and sees that the cut has closed, not even a scar remains. He's about to open his mouth when something catches his eye.
Settled around his wrist is what looks like a tattoo of a pattern, like a bracelet of woven cord.
"Hey, are these knots Norse?"
The Trickster eyes him and nods.
"Surprised you recognized them, most people think they're Celtic."
"What is it?"
He huffs and looks to the side.
"It's a couple of things. You can call me with it, it kind of connects us, you need to wrap your other hand around it and say my name. It saves the hassle of having to summon me with a ritual."
"Why would I call you?"
The Trickster actually looks offended at the question.
"I don't know, anything! If you're in danger or something. I can't be at your beck and call but if you really need something, you can use that."
Sam supposes it could be useful, he is going to be alone after all. Having someone to call is not such a bad idea. Even if it's a supernatural being that doesn't care for him at all.
"What else does it do?"
"Ah, well. It's a symbol of our pact. It's also kind of a…" He hesitates, chewing nervously on the sucker. "Like a mark? People who know what it means will know you are under my protection. You shouldn't be messed with by most powerful creatures."
Sam doesn't know how to feel about that, it's not necessarily a bad thing. However, having a creature place a claim on him, makes him a little uncomfortable.
"It doesn't mean I own you or anything, it's protection, I swear." He seems genuine at least, he'll investigate the mark later with Bobby.
"Okay." He bites his lip anxiously, he's not sure what happens now. "How are you going to do this?"
The Trickster straightens.
"Oh, right! The goodbye I promised you."
He snaps and there's a pop on the couch behind Sam. He turns and sees Dean. His brother is sleeping, face down like always. He looks almost normal like this, it's easy to forget he died half an hour earlier. He's even drooling and Sam can't help but chuckle.
"I'll leave you to it. I'll be back in 10, make the most of it, Winchester. Don't do anything stupid."
Sam turns to say something but the Trickster's already gone.
~~~
Sam looks down at his brother.
He looks peaceful, the sleep of a man who doesn't know he's died a couple dozen times. Sam moves closer and crouches by Dean's head. He takes a minute to just watch him.
They did this a lot, since they were kids actually. Any time one of them would have a close call, the other would barely sleep, they'd stay up with a hand on their brother's pulse. They'd have a hard time relaxing.
Dean especially, Sam would wake up after a hunt gone wrong with his brother's hand on his neck or his wrist. John never said much about it, he'd stare, sigh and go back to whatever he was doing.
Sam had less problems falling asleep, as long as his brother was close enough to touch. He'd sit back to back, or tuck his face into his brother's side. The familiar smell of leather, gunpowder and motor oil would always make him feel safe enough to sleep.
It doesn't now.
He grabs his brother's wrist, like he used to. He can feel the flutter of his pulse under his thumb and it doesn't help him feel any less like he's losing his brother.
"Dean, you're not going to be very happy when you wake up and I understand. I'm sorry I'm putting you in this position, but the other option was for you to keep reliving the same day over and over, without even remembering. This is the best chance I have of saving you, I just wish you'd be with me for it all."
Tears started falling from his eyes the moment he started talking and god, he's so tired.
"I want to go home Dean, I want to be in the passenger seat of the Impala speeding down the highway. I want to be there, researching whatever hunt we're heading towards, I want you to play music so loud I can barely think. I want to sing along to Metallica even though I don't like it that much. I just want to go back, I want to have you back."
He brings his brother's hand to his forehead and closes his eyes. His sniffles are the only thing filling the silence in the room.
"You've always been the one to take care of me, and you did a good job for 24 years. I think it's about time I return the favor."
He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes once more, fixing his gaze on his brother's closed ones. He reaches a hand up to the side of Dean's face. His brother has always liked physical touch, he just doesn't ask for it at all. Sam's pretty sure it's part of the reason he's so sex driven.
Even in his sleep, Dean leans his head into Sam's palm. He moves his hand farther back so he's cradling the back of his neck too.
"Hell is not going to get to you, I swear it. No matter how many demonic sons of bitches I have to kill to get stronger. No matter how long I go without you. I'll keep you safe, Dean. It's like you said, as long as I'm here, nothing bad's going to happen to you."
He plasters a wobbly smile on his face even though his brother can't see it.
"I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that bitch Lilith has no claim over you. Then you're going to wake up, you're going to be a little mad, but I won't care. You can be as mad as you want, but you'll be topside with me. And then we can go back to normal, we can keep saving people like you want to. We'll do anything you want to."
Sam sighs, Dean can't hear him at all. It doesn't matter. Sam was his responsibility for 2 decades, he'll be damned if he doesn't do anything in return. He keeps his hands around his brother's wrist and face. He bows his head forward and rests it on the edge of the couch.
He uses the rest of the time to gather himself up and take in his brother's presence. He reminds himself Dean isn't dead, and if- no, when Sam succeeds, he won't ever be.
He has long stopped crying by the time he hears a pop behind him, his time is up.
He doesn't let go of his brother's wrist as he turns around. He doesn't know what he expected, but the wistful look on the Trickster's face isn't it. He doesn't know what kind of lives tricksters lead, but he can assume this one has lost someone as well.
The Trickster recomposes himself and smiles like he wasn't looking miserable a second ago. He comes closer to Sam, he now has a different colored sucker in his mouth, already?
"I'm going to send you back to the motel, okay? You're going to go back unconscious and wake up on Wednesday." Sam opens his mouth to say he wants to be awake, he's not used to people seeing through him as well as the Trickster does. "Listen Samster," is this guy allergic to his name? "anybody could see those eye bags from a mile away. Now I know that might partially be my fault, but oh well. So go back, rest a little, then go wherever you need to go."
Sam nods, he can't deny he needs his rest. Especially if he's going to go up to Bobby's first thing, he needs to sleep if he wants to make it to Nashville before midnight. He'll sleep a little there and head out again at first light.
He sighs as he thinks of how exhausting that sounds, but he wants out of Florida and he won't feel safe until he's at Sioux Falls. He might not be reckless but it was Dean who taught him how to drive, if he wants to make it by Thursday then he's going to.
The Trickster is studying his face again, he seems to know when Sam comes back to himself.
"You ready, my young padawan?"
He looks back down at his hand grasping his brothers and hesitates.
"Just one more thing."
He reaches down around Dean's neck and pulls his amulet from his neck. He holds it in a clenched fist as he studies his brother one last time. He looks naked without it, it feels wrong too.
Sam puts it around his neck, it seems to rest heavy on his chest. He can't leave it here, he needs a reminder of what's at stake. He'll give it back when Dean wakes up.
He has to fight the instinct not to, but he tears his eyes away and inhales shakily. His hands are trembling and so would his voice if he spoke. Instead he meets the Trickster's eyes and nods.
The man nods back and shoots him a tight smile in sympathy, which is rich coming from him but whatever.
He snaps, and Sam can't bring himself to look but he knows his brother is no longer on the couch.
The Trickster pauses and his expression relaxes a fraction, his smile this time seems a lot less forced. Sam finds that it doesn't make him feel any better about leaving his brother, but it encourages him a little. No going back now.
"Don't hesitate to call me."
That reminds Sam, he doesn't actually know what to call him.
"Wait! I don't know your name."
The man tenses and Sam thinks he's made a mistake before he huffs a laugh. He smiles knowingly at Sam and pops the sucker out of his mouth.
"Call for Loki."
Sam is the one to tense this time, because what?
"What? Loki? Like the-"
The Trickster holds his hand up.
"Good luck, Sam."
He winks, snaps his fingers and Sam's world goes dark.
~~~
Sam wakes the next day to absolute silence in the room, for a second he's expecting Dean's voice. He sighs and closes his eyes again, he'd be willing to listen to Asia forever if he could get one more "rise and shine Sammy!".
He doesn't turn on the radio at all, opting to take a quick shower and just pack. He tries not to think at all as he puts Dean's stuff back in his bag. He does not have the energy to break down again. He goes through all the motions in a quiet sort of numbness. He barely registers checking out and only realizes he did when he opens the passenger door for the Impala.
He has to drive her now, so he shuts the door and heads over to the other side with a heavy heart. He takes a moment leaning head against the wheel. His hands are shaking as he peels out of the parking lot and pulls into the highway. The radio is playing whatever Dean had on hand and he spaces out trying to drown his thoughts.
Sam stops at Valdosta when he's in Georgia for lunch, he orders a burger for his brother without even thinking about it. He takes it with him to the Impala and makes it to just past Nashville in 7 hours, he'd stopped only for gas.
He pulls over in some no-name street, eats the burger, and after some consideration, takes two bottles Dean had stashed and downs them. It helps him pass out until dawn.
He wakes up screaming the names of people that aren't there anymore.
He checks his phone and ignores the missed calls from Bobby. He doesn't register the 8 hours it takes him to drive past Kansas City until he realizes he does in fact need lunch. He pulls over for a simple salad that he eats in the hood of the Impala.
By the time he reaches Sioux Falls the sun has long set. He pulls into the salvage yard with cramped legs and a bone deep exhaustion.
Sam doesn't bother to get anything from the car, just walks to the porch. Bobby's already standing at the door with a face of confusion, he looks past Sam and frowns even harder.
"Where's your brother?"
Sam's vision blurs and he ducks his head, he doesn't even know how he functioned the past 2 days. Bobby tries to meet his eyes and his face contorts in concern.
"What happened Sam?"
Sam opens his mouth to answer, but all that comes out is a choked sob. Bobby clenches his jaw and reaches for Sam.
"Come on, sounds like you have something to tell me."
He leads Sam to the table and digs in the fridge before placing a bottle of whiskey in front of him. He sits down and pours them both glasses. Sam downs it before speaking, he tells Bobby everything. From the first few loops, to the last one, to the deal with the Trickster, or well, Loki.
He presses down on the amulet he can feel under his shirt, Bobby hasn't said anything but he's pretty sure he knows it's there.
Bobby is silent for a long while, his glass is empty now too. He sighs and wipes a hand down his face, Sam chooses not to comment on the dampness in his eyes.
"Are you sure the deal with the Trickster is a good idea? Assuming he's telling the truth about being Loki, he might be more than you can handle Sam."
Sam purses his lips and looks down at his trembling hands, he wishes someone else had made the decision for him this time.
"I don't know Bobby. It didn't feel like there was any other option. He wasn't lying when he said he'd keep me in the loop forever if I refused. The stakes didn't work last time and other than that I have no idea what could kill him, I would've never gotten out. Now I have a shot at saving Dean from Hell, he just gave me more time. It doesn't mean I have to trust him at all."
Bobby just pours himself some more hunter helper and slumps back in his chair.
"Okay, Sam. Why don't you get some sleep? We can talk about what you want to do in the morning."
Sam had a slight suspicion that Bobby also needs some time alone to process, and maybe so does Sam. Dean might not be dead, but to spend an entire year without him might as well feel like it. So he nods and pretends he doesn't see Bobby walking faster than normal to his room.
He only has time to take his shoes off before he's collapsing face first into the couch.
Despite the fact that his eyes sting from exhaustion and he probably couldn't get up if he tried, sleep doesn't come. He tosses and turns for hours, his throat feels tight the entire time.
He doesn't want to cry again.
Dean isn't dead. He tells himself, once, twice. It doesn't feel real.
Tears are spilling from his eyes before he can stop them.
He knows that starting tomorrow he's going to throw everything he has into saving his brother. Sam knows that starting tomorrow he's not going to stop until Dean is safe. He feels alone for the first time in a long time. A year from now Dean will be back, but Sam is going to be on his own before then.
He can do this, if Dean could go without him when he was at Stanford, Sam can do it now. The old guilt comes back to him and that moment. How could he do that, how could he leave his brother for four entire years. He had stopped calling eventually too.
He presses his fist against his mouth to stop any sound from coming out, it doesn't stop the sobs that wrack his body. He's trying to breathe but his chest feels tight. He doesn't want to do this alone.
He'll get Dean back, he's going to get in the Impala and get Bela. He's going to take The Colt, hunt down Lilith like the animal she is and put her down. The bitch is going to die begging if Sam has anything to say about it.
If that doesn't work, Sam is going to track down every filthy demon that still walks the earth and interrogate them, then kill them all one by one. He's going to rid this world of those sons of bitches and Dean is never going to Hell. He'll do anything at this point.
The demons were wrong when they thought it was Sam that shouldn't be put in danger. They should've never touched Dean.
He falls asleep with dried tear tracks on his cheeks and clutching Dean's amulet to his chest.
~~~
The Queen of Hell is sitting back on her throne, her eyes are closed as she takes in the screams of the tortured souls. A small smile adorns her face. She opens her eyes and fixes her gaze on the demon kneeling by her feet. Lilith had known she was coming and had dismissed any other demons.
"Ruby. I thought I told you to keep an eye on the Winchesters."
Ruby lowers her head.
"That's why I'm here, the Winchesters went to Florida. Something wasn't letting me into the town they were in, so I waited outside two days. Wednesday morning Sam comes out alone and drives that stupid car of his brother's up to Singer. I tried to look for Dean but there's no trace of him."
Lilith seems pensive for a moment before she extends a hand forward. Ruby screams in agony, her vessel smokes and writhes along with her. She's been tortured before of course, yet there's nothing like Lilith crushing her very existence and sticking it back together with tape before repeating the process.
It's a couple of minutes, hours or days before the pain subsides, there's no way to tell. Ruby's left panting on the floor of the throne room. She curses that her vessels limbs tremble as she pushes herself up from where she had collapsed into resuming her kneeling position.
There is no need to say sorry, no mercy will be given. All she can do is not make a mistake once more.
"Not to fret, my hounds will find Dean Winchester when his deal is due. There is no place on earth where he can hide from me. In the meantime, keep a closer eye on Sam. Make sure he's desperate to save his brother. Don't get him on the blood yet, not until we have the Righteous Man on the rack."
Lilith leans back in her throne and smirks down at her follower.
"Oh and darling, don't forget to keep gaining his trust? He could take you right to Dean if we play it right. Get intimate with him if you have to. The boy needs to be as vulnerable as we can get him. You need to get his hopes up too, paint yourself as good as you can."
She closes her eyes and chuckles lowly.
"And be prepared, the next time you see him, I'll be sending my demons after him. They need to know I'm keeping an eye on them, take the chance to save them. You're dismissed."
Ruby is left dizzy from her previous torment, she can only bow lower and leave.
Sam will know where Dean is, it's a shame they need him to trust her. She could get the information out of him, one way or the other. She's going to have to rely on him unconsciously trusting her enough to spill the beans.
~~~
The King of the Crossroads isn't usually summoned personally, not many know how to. So he's not surprised to see who the culprit is. He puts his hands in his pockets and smirks.
"Loki, always a pleasure to see your mug around these parts. If you wanted to see me you could've paid me a visit downstairs."
The Trickster makes a face at him.
"Crowley, I see you've gotten a new master, she seems like the type to make you kneel and bark."
"She does, and trust me I put my hounds to shame."
The Trickster rolls his eyes, he usually enjoys the banter but he has stuff to do.
"I'm here to cash in that favor you owe me."
"Oh come on, I thought you had given me a freebie, we're besties aren't we?"
The stink eye Loki shoots in his direction makes him grin even wider.
"I assume it has something to do with the Winchesters?"
Loki arches an eyebrow.
"I'm well informed, I call dibs on the older one."
This finally breaks the Trickster's serious demeanor and he laughs loudly.
"You're disgusting, and I'm more interested in Sam anyway."
"Ah yes," Crowley snaps his fingers when he remembers. "the boy king, Azazel's pet project. He's one moose of a man, isn't he? Lilith is keeping real tight on her plans for the guy, not even I know."
"Of course you don't, who'd tell you anything? You've got no filter."
Crowley whistles and the air grows colder. Loki looks to the side just in time for the biggest fucking hell hound he's ever seen brush past him. The dog plants itself next to Crowley, who leans his back against it and pats it's head affectionately.
Loki shakes his head in laughter, it doesn't scare him. Not when his son is Fenrir, of all beings. The size of the hound is quite impressive, it's a lot cuter in his eyes than it's terrifying.
"Funny, I recall last time, you got so wasted and you told me all sorts of things. Like that time you-"
The Trickster raises his hands in surrender.
"Okay, stop, stop. Just hear me out." Crowley waves his hand to show he's listening. "I need you to void a contract."
The demon frowns.
"If you're talking about the Righteous Man, I can't even look at it. I'd end up in the deepest darkest most piss soaked cell in Hell."
"No, not Winchester's, Bela Talbot. That's not the only thing I need."
"Are you mad? That contract belongs to Lilith. You're asking me to risk everything!"
The Trickster sighs, he knew it wasn't going to be easy.
"I want you to get The Colt from her, she already stole it from the Winchesters and Lilith is likely to send you to get it."
"And let me guess, gift wrap it and mail it to the Losechesters with a love letter? Should I add a postcard?"
Loki's mouth twitches at the mocking tone.
"No actually, I want you to take it and hide it. I don't really care what you do with it, but it can't be in the Winchester's hands."
Crowley blinks in confusion, he was not expecting that.
"Are you on Lilith's side? What in the bloody Hell are you planning?"
Loki's the one to smirk this time.
"Don't worry your selfish little mind with pointless endeavors. I know what I'm asking is a little troublesome. While I'm sure you'd love to keep your cozy position as a lap dog, if you're in danger, give me a call and I'll come. I'll hide you."
Crowley's stunned once more, Loki needs to do this more often, it's a fun look to put on the demon.
"You, are offering to be my knight in shining armor?"
Loki nods, he doesn't usually offer protection and yet he's done it twice in the span of three days. He misses the sidelines already.
"Why do you need Talbot anyway? She catch your eye?"
The Trickster shakes his head.
"Not like that. I need her alive to help Sam with some things. She's going to be useful the next few months. She was too young to be making deals anyway. Can you void her contract or not?"
Crowley smirks.
"Of course I can, can she be out in the open or is Lilith not supposed to find out?"
"It doesn't matter much, whatever you can manage."
The Demon huffs, "Well, I'd recommend her not showing her face around demons for a while but I can do it. Just need to pull a few strings."
Loki sags a bit in relief and nods, mostly to himself.
"Can you hide The Colt too?"
Crowley raises an eyebrow and laughs.
"I don't underestimate the Winchesters but I don't think it'd be hard to hide it from a pair of vulnerable humans."
The Trickster narrows his eyes, "I don't want you harming them Crowley, if you're not under order, you don't come within a mile of them unless I tell you to."
"Whatever you say. They seem like the type to doom everyone around them anyway."
Loki sighs and bites the candy in his mouth a little roughly.
"So will you do it?"
The demon considers for a moment, before shrugging.
"I'll take it, either I get your protection or I get to have you owe me one."
Loki smiles and shakes his head, if this fails he won't need to worry about Crowley. This is no sweat off his back.
"Now come here big boy, the only downside of being king is I don't get as many smooches as I did before."
The demon saunters over to the Trickster, Loki sighs and leans over. At least he's not fool enough to believe it needs to be anything other than a quick peck.
Crowley's features are bright with smugness.
"Pleasure doing business with you Trickster."
In a snap he's gone, leaving Loki alone in the crossroads.
He looks up to the sky and closes his eyes.
"Dad, I hope this works."
The one time he's taking things into his own hands and he's sticking it to his Father's plan. His siblings aren't going to be happy with him. Well, they're going to have to come down if they want it done right.
His gaze lingers on the twinkling stars, he misses it all.
Sam Winchester, I'm putting the last bit of faith I have in you. Don't you fucking dare fail.
~~~
Breakfast the next day is a quiet affair. Sam barely has an appetite, he does take the chance to appreciate some of Bobby's cooking before he sets off.
"What are you planning to do now, Sam?"
Bobby stares at him expectantly, he chews for a moment before answering. He clears his throat.
"The Trick- I mean, Loki. He mentioned that if I can't find The Colt, I should try to work my, uh, powers."
"And you're just going to believe him? We don't know much about your powers, boy, especially now that the yellow-eyed freak is gone."
Sam has to hide a wince, honestly with what he has inside him, he might as well be the freak.
"I don't have to trust him Bobby, do you remember that psychic me and Dean told you about? Missouri?"
"The one you boys met in Lawrence? I remember her."
Sam swallows, "I was thinking of paying her a visit. Even if she's a different kind of psychic, she might be able to help or point me in the right direction."
"That's an alright idea, son. Is that all you're gonna do?" Bobby is clearly trying to phrase the question as a simple inquiry, Sam can sense the accusation beneath it.
He looks over to the side, resisting the urge to fidget and squirm. He hesitates for a few moments before giving it up, someone had to know where he was going at least.
"I have a lead on Bela and The Colt, last I heard she was headed over to Colorado. I can go to Kansas and then make my way over."
Bobby's brow furrows, he thinks for a second.
"Sam, you're smart, you know Bela wouldn't be that careless. She will know you're coming, even if she doesn't know you're alone."
Sam sighs and leans back in his chair.
"I know it's a trap Bobby, but anything Bela uses I can take."
Bobby bristles. "Don't be so arrogant, boy!" He huffs and crosses his arms, he's worried about Sam. "You're going to be on your own! For the first time, matter of fact. Sam, don't be reckless, your brother wouldn't approve and you know it!."
Sam's anger flares and he straightens.
"Dean's not here Bobby! I am doing this for Dean!" A stricken look crosses Bobby's face, just like that the fight drains out of Sam. He stops himself, he shouldn't be yelling. "Listen, I'm sorry." Bobby waves his hand in acceptance, even less into chick-flick moments than Dean. "This is the one time I know exactly where she's going to be. I'll be careful Bobby, I promise, but if I have a chance to get The Colt I will take it.
Bobby's jaw ticks and he looks away. Sam feels a little bad making him worry, but he doesn't have the luxury to be guilty. He would like to have The Colt, it's his most likely chance to kill Lilith. No matter what anybody says, he's going. There's no use in being safe, that's not going to save Dean.
He stays and argues with Bobby because he knows it will make the older hunter feel a little better, that doesn't mean Sam is considering changing his mind. He's getting that damn gun, one way or the other.
Bobby snorts like he knows what Sam is thinking, and honestly Sam wouldn't put it past him. He stands up and takes their almost empty plates away, it doesn't matter, they both lost their appetite.
Sam stays at the table, letting Bobby think and process. He's leaving soon but it's still 7 AM, as long as he leaves in less than an hour he's fine. He didn't need to pack anyway. He doesn't mind giving the man a minute, he lost Dean too.
Bobby huffs again, Sam looks up at him.
"Fine." He dries his hands and turns back to fix Sam with a glare. "But you listen to me boy, and you listen well. I want to know that you made it to the psychic, I want to know you're leaving Kansas, I want to know you made it to Colorado, and then I want to know Bela didn't dump you in a river somewhere." He's almost looming over Sam, he's just worried, and if this makes him feel better let him. "If I don't hear from you at least twice a day, I'm going down there myself and dragging you back by your hair. Gun or no gun." He points a finger down at Sam. "Is that clear?"
Sam wants to laugh and cry at the same time. He nods and agrees instead.
"Sir, yes sir."
Bobby visibly relaxes, he probably thought Sam would put up a bigger fight. Usually he would, but it's just a couple of calls, whatever. Bobby drags a hand down his face and shakes his head.
"Balls, I sound like a god damn mom. Don't think that means I'm packing a lunch for you."
Sam chuckles, it's half genuine.
"Of course not Bobby, I do expect a good luck kiss though."
The man swats at the back of Sam's head, he's smiling too.
"Shut your trap, boy."
Usually Dean would've made that joke. Now, when the atmosphere is a little lighter, the gaping hole of his absence is even more present.
Sam feels wrong footed, out of balance. Usually people would say they got the rug pulled from under them, that's an understatement. Sam's pretty sure he's one leg down, losing Dean feels like he lost a limb. He's limping through moments like these, no crutch. Kind of feels like he's crawling, really.
Bobby clearly thinks of Dean in that moment too, which is not surprising. The man was always closer to Dean anyway, can't blame anybody when it comes to his brother. His expression is solemn, maybe Sam leaving will do him some good. Give him space to feel whatever he needs to feel with nobody around.
Sam gets a little lost in thought and startles when a throat clears next to him.
Bobby is looking out the window, his hands are tucked under his arms.
"Listen Sam, I really want you to be as safe as you can. I can't lose two boys. You hear me? Your brother was reckless because he lost you and look where that got him." He looks down and makes eye contact with Sam. "I don't want you repeating his mistakes. You come back to me in one piece."
Sam stretches his mouth into a small smile. It's touching that Bobby cares for him, even if they both know it's futile to ask.
"I'll try Bobby."
It's mostly an empty promise, but he's acknowledging that he cares that the man is worried. It doesn't make a difference, Sam will put saving his brother above his life if he has to.
Bobby nods. He extends a hand like he wants to clap Sam in the back, but he hesitates. Instead, he moves forwards and wraps an arm around his shoulders. He doesn't make eye contact with Sam, he's hiding his face from view. He lets go slowly and this time he does reach out and ruffle his hair.
And man, this must be hitting him harder than he thought. Bobby hasn't done either of those things since him and Dean reached their teenage years. Sam blinks back tears. He is so focused on reigning his emotions back in he doesn't answer when Bobby walks away.
"Good luck, son. Get your brother back to us."
It doesn't matter that Sam doesn't say goodbye, there is no goodbye's between them. It's bad luck, if you leave it open, you have to come back.
Instead, Sam gets his jacket from his chair and the keys to the car. He walks outside without another word. He pats Rumsfeld's head as he passes by, the dog yips and wags his tail.
He gets in the Impala and thinks. Bobby's worried about him, but he couldn't actually promise him anything. Not genuinely anyway.
He understands, he really does, but this is about Dean. There's not much sense in Sam being careful and staying alive if Dean isn't here. Sam does need to stay alive though, a ghost can't save Dean.
As he puts the house in his rear view mirror, his resolve hardens. He's going to butcher that demon if it kills him, because if he doesn't, Dean goes to Hell. If Dean goes to Hell, Sam has no reason to keep on going, so he's going to get Lilith if it's the last thing he does.
Then in one year, Dean will wake up. He'll get back in the driver's seat of the Impala where he belongs. Sam will get him a burger with extra bacon, he'll even go with him to the bar instead of staying in. They'll go back to traveling back and forth, like it's supposed to be. They'll be back to as normal as they can be. Sam is going to get his brother back, and then nothing will ever separate them again.