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The ringing of the oven's timer brought him out of the mindless scrolling he was doing on his laptop. Trying to find a place to rent or buy in the vicinity of the 118 and South Bedford Street was proving to be harder than he had originally thought. A few years ago he’d have no issue with staying at Eddie’s place but now that he knew his feelings were anything but platonic it was a constant struggle.
Shutting his laptop he pushed his chair back and walked over to the oven. Grabbing the oven mitts that were set aside from his last loaf he carefully grabbed the two bread pans out of the oven. He set them on the cooling rack. Turning around his eyes locked onto the mess that used to be a kitchen. At this particular moment he would rather clean the mess he created then go back to looking for an escape from Eddie's house so that’s exactly what he did.
Buck cleaned every dish, wiped every counter down, stored every dessert he had made that day into containers for each designated member of the 118, and he did a load of laundry but didn’t bother sorting it. With Eddie and him now sharing a house and with that a closet he could no longer tell what was his and what was Eddie's.
His phone ringing brought him out of his cleaning frenzy. Everyone in his phone had a different ring tone so he knew it was Maddie calling and she was still healing from her latest trauma so he rushed as fast as possible to get to his phone. Already grabbing his wallet and keys from the front door preparing for the worst. Finding his phone right next to the laptop that was still closed on the kitchen table. He quickly answered while shoving his feet into his shoes. He had not even noticed the multiple missed texts from Eddie in his frantic effort to make sure Maddie was okay.
“Maddie is everyt-“ Buck quickly rushed out before being cut off
“Hello to you too, Buck. Everything is fine. Just checking on how your ‘situation’ is going” Maddie laughed softly at his worry
Buck knew what she meant by ‘situation’. She had called him out on his bullshit while Eddie was still in Texas and after a week he found himself unable to deny the fact that he was desperately in love with his best friend. Now every once in a while she casually asks him about the situation he’s found himself in now that he’s returned and living with him.
Buck found himself already tired of the conversation. Pinching the bridge of his noise he answered truthfully.
“Horrible Maddie. I have already made four loaves of bread and a batch of cookies. And that’s just from today. I think I baked less getting over Tommy then I have trying to manage my feelings for Eddie.”
There was a tiny pause before Maddie spoke.
“So you aren’t trying to get over Eddie?” She spoke very slowly making it seem like Buck might not understand what she was saying.
“Wha- Of course I am trying to get over Eddie.”
“Buck you realize you said manage your feelings not get over them”
Buck knew that’s exactly what he said but lying seemed like the easier way out.
“You must’ve misheard me because I am getting over him.”
“But you don’t want to, do you?”
No he really didn’t want to. But he couldn’t helplessly pine for something more when Eddie was already giving him so much. He gave him his son, his home, his trust but what Eddie didn’t know was that he was breaking that everyday.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I just need to get over Eddie as soon as possible.”
“Buck, I still think you should at least talk to him. There isn’t any doubt in my mind that Eddie loves you any less than you love him.”
“Maddie, Eddie does not love me like I love him. I love him with everything I am. Every morning I wake up hoping that he’ll be right next to me. I want to hold his hand in public. Go on romantic cheesy dates with him and spend quiet Friday nights on the couch watching movies. I want to marry him, Maddie. I would give up my last name for him. To be honest I would do anything for him and Christopher. I can’t tell Eddie how much I love him because I can’t put into words how much I want everything with him.”
At some point during their phone call he leaned himself against the counter. His left hand rubbing his face in frustration. His eyes squeezed shut while his hand grips his phone tightly. The edge of the island digging uncomfortably into his back.
“Buck” Maddie had that sympathetic voice she used for these types of conversations it almost always made him cry “I thin-“
The distinct sound of a duffel bag hitting the floor caused him to whip around to the door of the kitchen. He made direct eye contact with Eddie. Pulling the phone away from his ear it quickly cut Maddie off. Now there was only a quiet murmur where he could hear the noise of her talking coming from the phone but wouldn’t be able to make out words. He’s surprised he can even hear with the blood rushing in his ears.
“Holy shit” Eddie whispered into the deafening silence of the kitchen.
Buck quickly brought the phone back to his ear. Maddie’s voice got louder; he hadn't realized she never stopped talking believing he was still listening.
“Maddie, I have to go.”
“Buck, you can’t just ignore this conversation. You know I love you but you ne-“
“Goodybye Maddie.” Buck quickly hung up not listening for her defense
It could have been an hour or minutes of Buck and Eddie staring at one another. The silence was loud. He had no idea how to move on from this point. He just knew he needed to get out so that’s exactly what he did.
Fortunately for him he was already planning on leaving so his keys and wallet along with his phone were already on his person. So his next decision was easy.
Very rarely did any of them use the back door in the kitchen but seeing how Eddie was still frozen in the doorway blocking the way to the front door it was the easiest choice. He left through the door as fast as possible.
Eddie just watched him.
~
Being pregnant and having a 4 year old was hard work. Maddie had just been able to sit and rest her feet when frantic knocking came from her door. Maddie was starting to get up off the couch but that was a challenge and whoever was at the door had already seemed to start to use their key. That clued her in on the possibilities of who it could be. Chimney was unlikely since he had just taken Jee to the park and he wouldn’t have knocked first. Bobby would have called first and wouldn’t have banged on her door like a mad man. So the only other person it could be was-
The front door flew open and steps quickly approached her, Buck’s panicked voice becoming louder as he came to stand in front of her “Maddie I really messed up this time”
Buck said this phrase quite often but it usually was never as bad as he thought. But the way he seemed actually scared made her smile falter.
“What happened? Is everyone okay?”
“Eddieoverheardmesayingiwantedtomarryhim.”
Maddie was used to her brother talking a mile a minute but she could only make out about two words from his mumbled response.
“Slow down. Tell me what happened.”
“Eddie overheard our call. I never heard the door open or him enter the kitchen. Based on how he reacted I think he heard the whole thing.” Buck rambled on while pacing in front of Maddie.
“How did he react?”
That stopped Bucks pacing. His steps faltered as he turned to Maddie. He walked over and dropped onto the seat next to her and let the couch hold him up.
“He dropped his bag and said ‘Holy shit’.”
“That’s it? Was it a bad holy shit or was he just surprised?
“I don’t know. You were still talking in my ear and he just froze after that staring at me. He watched me walk out the door and didn’t stop me. If he felt the same way he would have stopped me from leaving.”
“Buck, he might have just been surprised. I would guess that wasn’t what he expected to hear when he came home.
“It didn’t sound like it's what he ever wanted to hear. How am I going to face him now that he knows the kind of things I think about us.”
Maddie smiles softens “There is nothing you could do that would make Eddie so upset that he wouldn’t forgive you.”
“Maybe but I don’t think I can handle his rejection, Maddie.”
“He hasn’t rejected you. You just surprised him is all. Buck just talk to him.”
“Can I stay here for the night? I don’t want to face him tonight.”
“Of course, which means you can make dinner.” Maddie turns towards the tv and hands the remote to Buck.
Buck turns to the tv and flips through streaming services feeling calmer and content in his sister’s presence.
- - -
He can’t sleep. Maybe it's the different environment and he doesn’t have any of his things here. He keeps coming up with dumb reasons because the truth is he knows it's the lack of weight on the other side of the bed.
Turning onto his side he taps his phone screen to check the time. It’s just past midnight now. Eddie would be asleep by now and Chris is finishing the school year in Texas and won’t need Buck to make breakfast. But he still feels a need to be at hom- the Diaz’s house. So he throws his legs over the side of the bed and grabs the few things he brought before leaving, shutting the front door softly.
Buck sits in his Jeep for ten minutes with the engine shut off outside of the house. All the lights seem to be off. He just stares forward and hopes for some sign or answer to a question he doesn’t know.
He doesn’t go through the front door instead using the back door.
The kitchen door is mostly closed and little light flows from underneath. Buck stands in the dimly lit kitchen before shutting the back door and takes off his shoes before making coffee for himself.
Both him and Eddie have a shift in a few hours. But he can tell he won’t be able to get much sleep. He leans over the sink waiting for stupid Hildy to give him some caffeine.
He turns and finds Eddie standing in the same spot as earlier. Eddie looks crazed with his hair a mess and he looks like he was able to get as much sleep as Buck did. It’s a horrible parallel to the accident that started this situation between them.
They stare for a long with neither moving. Buck breaks the silence first. Crossing his arms over his chest.
“How much did you hear?” Buck whispers ducking his head, afraid of the answer.
Eddie watches him for a second before looking toward the floor and answers just as carefully and quietly as Buck asked.
“Everything.”
Buck feels dread wash over him. The confirmation he wished wasn’t true but needed feels like a weighted blanket of regret.
Buck just solemnly nods accepting the truth as is and tightens his arms around himself.
“I just want you to know that I am sorry. In no way did I mean to fall in love with you. I will stay with Maddie until I find my own place and we can arrange a time for me to move everything out. I promise that I will get over this and we can still be friends.”
There's a long pause before Eddie speaks.
“You love me?”
Buck looks at Eddie for the first time since beginning this conversation and he doesn’t look mad or disgusted, he looks relieved and almost hopeful.
But he can’t believe that Eddie might still reciprocate his feelings so he continues telling the truth even if it hurts.
“I think I have loved since the grenade, maybe even before. I never looked at those feelings as anything but platonic but um- when you came back I couldn’t deny it anymore.” Buck turned his gaze back to the floor scared of seeing Eddie’s reaction.
“Buck, will you look at me.”
Unable to ever deny Eddie something he looked up to find Eddie had moved closer and had the smallest smile on his face.
“Eddie I don’t understand why you aren’t upset I broke your trust.”
“Because I have been breaking yours. I have loved you just as long.” Eddie reached out to cup Buck’s face gently caressing his cheek.
Buck was speechless; it felt like he might be imagining this all. “Can you tell me if this is a dream or not?” He leaned into Eddie’s hand and hoped he never woke up.
“I can show you if you let me” Eddie smiled and titled his head asking Buck for permission.
Buck stared at him in shock before his eyes flicked down towards Eddie’s lips. He didn’t even think as they met in the middle. The kiss wasn’t hurried or hungry, it was soft and simple. Their lips slid together for what seemed like an eternity before they broke apart. Buck smiled dopely "I guess I am not asleep."
“No you aren’t.” Eddie peaked around Buck to look at the ovens clock “But we should be. We have a shift in 5 hours.”
Buck groaned and dropped his head onto Eddie’s shoulder. “Can we call in sick? Cap would understand.”
Eddie laughed at Buck’s complaint “Come on lets go to bed” He grabbed Buck’s hand and led him to bed where sleep came quick and peacefully for both of them for the first time in years.
—
Later that morning.
“God damnit I wasted a perfectly good cup of coffee!”
“Buck shut up and come back to bed!”