Chapter Text
"Welcome, Viewers, To Total Cesspit Island."
Announcer turns around, signaling the camera to follow his gaze.
"Fourteen Contestants Will Compete Here For 1 Million Dollars. We Have Inhumane Conditions; Contestant Votes; And Surprisingly Humane Challenges."
A boat comes by, with fourteen campers on it.
"Let’s Meet Our Campers, Shall We? First Is A Seasoned BFDI Veteran Who Placed Tenth In BFDIA And Twelfth In BFB; Ruby. Please Say Hello To Our Viewers, Will You."
Ruby runs off the boat, holding a suitcase that’s clearly stuffed 80-ish percent with gumdrops, while the rest is gem cleaning equipment for herself or hair products for Match.
"OMGOMGOMG! I’m so excited to compete with you again, Speakery!"
"Thank You. Please Go To The Blue Mat, Ruby."
Announcer motions to two large yoga mats, one blue and one green. Clearly worn out, likely reused from BFDI. Ruby runs over as instructed.
"Next Is Another, Albeit Less Seasoned Veteran, Placing Eleventh In BFDIE And Third In BFDI Mini Resort; Beach Ball."
They walk off the boat as Ruby did, their backpack holding sunscreen, a handheld bike pump, and several airtight bandages.
"Hey, Speakery! Nice to see you again!" Beach Ball offers a high-five to Announcer, which he takes them up on. "Man, this place makes the old TLC look spacious… I’m starting to regret coming here."
"Ha Ha, Classic Beach Ball. Head To The Blue Mat."
They do as instructed, making small talk with Ruby as they get there.
"Third On Our List Is Supervillain Wannabe, And Without-Fail-Failer, Count Koffin-K."
A floating orange coat thing leaves the boat, with a hat on top. Upon further inspection, said hat seems to be the person in question. His suitcase has some laundry detergent in it for his coat, with other things. There’s some comic books buried deep down inside it.
"Well well well, new villainy material? MWAH HAH HAH HAH! I’m ready as can be!" Spotting the pattern at play, he flies towards the blue mat.
"Wow, Well Done, Koffin-K. Our Fourth Contestant Is Faraway’s Rising Basketball Star, Kelsey."
Kel runs off the boat to greet the Announcer. His suitcase is filled mostly with spare basketball jerseys, an excessive amount of orange joe, along with some other things (e.g. sunscreen) which his parents probably packed for him.
"Yo! This place rocks!" He picks the speaker box up. "Feels like that summer camp Hero n’ I used to go to!" He places Announcer back down, and runs towards the mat.
"Fifth Is A Ghost In The, Uh, Um… Whatever. Her Name’s Mari, B.T.W."
Mari floats off the boat gracefully. She doesn’t have any luggage, being dead and all. There’s also a noticeable scar on her neck, one that could be mistaken for a rope burn from afar but is clearly something else.
"It’s, uh, nice to meet you, but… I really don’t think Kel wants to talk to me right now. Could I wait?" She motions over to Kel, who’s looking at her nervously.
"Ha Ha, No."
"…Fine." Mari walks over to the blue mat, then trying (and failing) to greet Kel.
"Sixth And Seventh Are A Gamer Duo, Perhaps Even Power Couple In The Making, Berdly And Kris."
The bluebird and human walk onto the dock, though the former looks a bit mad.
"You did NOT just reference 6-7!"
"I Did, What Are You Going To Do About It. Blue Mat, Please."
The two walk over.
"As The First Seven Contestants; Ruby, Beach Ball, Koffin-K, Kel, Mari, Berdly And Kris Will Be Team Blue."
"Cool!" Comes from Beach Ball.
"Cruel!" Comes from Ruby.
"My team RULES!" Comes from Kel.
.
"Now For Team Green. Eight Is Author, Historian And Teacher Gerson Boom."
The old, pink-haired turtle walks off slowly. His suitcase isn’t that heavy, having only packed some empty books, a few pens, and the essentials.
"Go Faster, Please."
"Sure can do, lad." Gerson starts walking faster, but he doesn’t speed up his movement towards the Announcer. He makes it after a few minutes, though.
"Glad to have a little break from everythin’ going on in me old life. Well, I guess I should get goin’ to my team."
Gerson heads towards the green mat, making it pretty quickly.
"Ninth Is An Un-Seasoned BFDI Veteran, Placing Eleventh In BFDI, Nineteenth In BFDIA And Fifty-Seventh In BFB; Match."
Match walks off towards the mat, skipping the introductions.
"Ew, can’t believe I’m with some like, crusty old man instead of Ruby."
"Rude. Tenth Is My Speaker In Arms, Money Speaker Box."
The green box slides towards Announcer. Her luggage only really has speakerbox essentials, like something to keep her anchored to the earth.
"Hey, this doesn’t look too humane…"
"Shush. Green Mat."
MSB does as told.
"Eleventh Is Eggman’s Robots-Ist, And Something Else, E-123 Omega."
The large robot walks off in menacing steps.
"HELLO. I AM READY TO COMPETE."
"Okay. Good. Green Mat."
He goes to the green mat (no shit!).
"Twelth Is Professional Doppelgänger, Metal Sonic."
The (second) robot walks towards Announcer. Both he and Omega have no luggage.
"A Man Of Few Words He Is, And The Green Mat He Shall Go To."
"Thirteenth Is John Justice Gunhat Themselves, Clover."
The child walks over. They mostly just have the essentials with them, along with a literal gun and some bullets for it.
"Green. Go. Yes."
They do as told.
"And Last On the Green Team…" Announcer slides over to the green mat. "Is Nubert."
A red Nubert pops up from the green mat.
"I’m Nubert. Everyone loves me!"
"My Man."
.
"WAH HAH HAH! What a fine fellow ya are, huh?" -Gerson
"OMG! This makes not being with, like, Ruby SO totally worth it!" -Match
"Gosh, you’re so cool! Maybe you could teach me to be brave, like my owner." -MSB
"MY MAN." -Omega
"…" -Metal
"My man." -Clover
"Now That We Have Our Teams Introduced, See You Next Time On Total Cesspit Island, Where The Contestants Will Name Their Teams And-"
Match walks off her team’s mat.
"You’re supposed to do it with like, suspense! Watch and learn, speakery!"
"With our, like, teams assembled, watch as blue shall tremble under our, like, totally superior composition! Who will pick the most totally slay team name, and who’s gonna, like, win the first challenge, and why’s it totally gonna be team green for both on…
TOTAL! CESSPIT! I-SLAAAND!"