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─── ☆☆☆ ───
Night.
Deep night.
The sky is endless.
Even without the moon, the stars spill across the heavens like scattered glass.
I always come here. The same small clearing.
The same quiet forest outside the city.
The same lonely place where the world feels far away.
Where the stars feel closer. Closer to her.
─── ☆☆☆ ───
The grass is cool beneath my legs, as I sit at the edge of the blanket protruding from the camp tent.
I didn’t bother making a campfire, I wanted the view of the night sky unblemished by any other light.
My eyes have adjusted by now, I dim the lantern fully. It’s just me, them, and her...
I unfold the small piece of colored paper I had stowed away until now, when I was underneath that endless forever above.
It is the night of the Tanabata Festival; so as is custom, I should have written down a wish.
People usually write hopeful things on them. Things like wishes for dreams to come true, finding love, hoping for success, maybe even praying for a race victory.
“...”
My fingers tremble as I hold the tanzaku paper over my heart. The wish unwritten on it unchanged for years now. The night wind whispers through the trees.
“...Sis.”
The word escapes before I can stop it. The stars don’t answer. But I still look up, as if you might. As if you’re sitting somewhere up there. Watching... Listening... Waiting...
“...It’s Tanabata again.”
My voice feels thin and small.
“...I wonder if you would laugh...”
“...I imagine you would laugh at things like this...”
“...You would have liked festivals...”
“...You would have liked wishes...”
“...You would have believed in silly things like stars granting miracles...”
“...You would have loved it all so much...”
My throat tightens.
I press the paper harder against my chest, against my heart. The heart that should have been hers, not mine.
“...Everyone’s celebrating tonight...”
“...The lanterns... music... laughter...”
“...Couples walking together beneath the decorations...”
“...People writing wishes and tying them to bamboo...”
“...I should be there...”
“...But instead… I’m here… again...”
“...With you...”
“...Or with the memory of you...”
My hands shake. I try to steady them.
“...I still come every year...”
Yes. Because this was our night. Our secret ritual. I imagine we would have sneaked out after everyone was asleep, find the darkest place we could and lie on our backs beneath the stars.
“...You probably would have always pointed at them..”
“...Naming constellations you barely remembered..”
“...Making up stories when you forgot..”
“...Your voice would have been so bright..”
“...So alive..”
“...”
“...It should have been you here...”
The words break out of me sharp and ugly.
“It should have been you!”
The forest echoes softly. My breath shatters. I clutch my chest.
“...It should have been you here...!”
Here. Alive. Running. Laughing. Winning. Everything I have. Everything people praise me for. Everything they celebrate.
“...It should have been you...”
My nails dig into the tanzaku, crumpling it.
“...You would have been better than me...”
“...You would have been brighter...”
“...Kinder...”
“...You would have smiled more easily...”
“...You would have made friends so quickly...”
“...People would have loved you...”
“...”
“...Would you have been happy...?”
The question slips into the night. I feel so fragile and afraid. The tears began to fall. One, another, and many, many more.
“...W-Would you have found... someone you loved... and... and...”
My voice collapses. I can’t say it out loud.
Because the image hurts too much.
You standing at the finish line.
Laughing.
Cheering.
Living.
A life that should have been yours.
Not mine.
“...Why am I the one here...?”
The stars blur more. Tears drip onto the grass.
“I’m not the one who should have survived...”
The words fall quietly. But they feel heavier than anything I’ve ever said.
“...I’m not the one who deserved to live...”
My chest tightens. Every breath hurts.
“...I took everything from you...”
“...Your life...”
“...Your dreams...”
“...Your future...”
“...Your love...”
“…E-even y-your... s-s-sky...”
I curl forward, clinging to myself, clutching my tail tightly, a habit I’ve had longer than I can remember. My body trembled violently.
“...I-I’m s-sorry...”
The same eternal apology spills out over and over and over again.
“...I’m sorry...!”
“...I’m sorry...!”
“...I’m sorry...!”
But the stars never answer.
Because apologies don’t reach the dead.
“...S-s-sis...”
My voice is barely a whisper now.
“...I still don’t know how to live...”
The truth tears through me.
“...I keep running...”
“...I keep w-winning even...”
“...I keep smiling when people expect it...”
“...But every step feels w-wrong...”
“...Every victory feels stolen...”
“...Every c-cheer feels misplaced...”
“…I’m just b-borrowing your life...”
The tanzaku finally slips from my fingers and I watch as it falls onto the grass.
My wish still blank because I already know the only wish I have.
And it can never come true.
The stars shimmer above me.
“...S-sis...”
My voice cracks completely.
“...I...I don’t know how to stop hurting!!!”
The strong wilderness wind moves through the clearing.
For a moment, and only just a moment; it almost feels like someone is sitting beside me. Like someone is watching the stars with me. Like someone is still here.
My breath trembles.
“...If you’re really out there...”
My hands clutch the grass.
“...please...”
The word breaks apart.
“...tell me what to do...!!!”
The sky remains silent.
And beneath the endless stars I finally break completely. The night swallows my sobs.
“S-SIS!!! I-I... I LOVE YOU...!!!!”
I scream it as loud a I can.
“I’M SORRY! I’M SO, SO SORRY!!!!”
I start hyperventilating.
“Hhhnnhhg...hghh!”
I cling to my tail harder. It’s hard to do anything, hard to think, hard to stay still, hard to breathe. It takes a long time, but I eventually calm down.
“...I’m sorry for that… pathetic display...”
My eyes go downward to the empty tanzaku laying there.
“...”
It’s not much, but I think of some small, yet meaningful gesture I can do. I slowly re-brighten the lantern and retrieve the paper. My hands move delicately, and with purpose. I finally fill in the empty space with ink.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE SHE’S OKAY
I sigh, staring down at my handwriting. I should have written it better. I was sloppy.
“...Now then...”
I glance around. There’s no bamboo here, but, I decide the closest tree would be better than nothing.
I place the tanzaku gently there, stepping back.
“...”
I look down at my feet, and something catches my attention.
The ground looks... brighter? How could that be if I am-
Wait...
I look up and my eyes widened at the sight I saw.
A shooting star, blazing across the night sky. I’d never seen one so bright in my life. It was almost hard to believe how brilliant and absolute it was. It soared across the sky, racing across towards some unseen destination. What a beautiful display of wonder and radiance.
I stared awestruck for a moment before the realization hit me. I looked back at my wish.
Was this sort of thing even possible...?
“...S-Sis...”
The tears fell down my cheek again as the sky and forest slowly faded back to dark. I closed my eyes and gently hugged myself, imaging it to be her, as always.
“...T-thank you... sis...”
I slowly return to the tent and lay down, my tail close.
It doesn’t take long for me to drift off, covered by the blanket of stars overhead.
─── ☆☆☆ ───
Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight;
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
─── ☆☆☆ ───