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Trinity felt like she was burning up from the inside out. She couldn't be here a second longer, she really couldn’t. The day was over anyway, but she knew she was in no state to drive, and Huckleberry had already taken the bus to the train station to go to the farm. Rapidly, she ran through the places she could go. Ambulance bay? Too much risk she’d be pulled into a trauma. Break room? Too crowded. Abandoned wing on the 8th floor? Too much like inpatient. Roof? Hmm, that could work. Leaning over, she told Dana she was leaving and then headed up. The roof was horrible in its own way, with an oppressive, humid heat that made her want to melt. But at least she was alone here. She leaned against the railing, looking out at the lights of the city and the distant fireworks, and something in her finally cracked. The day had been endless, with triggers around every corner, and she just needed to collapse. She let tears run down her face openly as she sobbed her heart out. She reached into her pocket and pulled the knotted rosary she kept tucked in there out as she cried. She moved her hands to each knot. Annunciation, Visitation, Nativity, Presentation, Temple. The rhythm of praying the decades, as she had practically since birth, always had a meditative effect. By the time she finished, her tears slowed practically to a stop and her breathing was much calmer. It wasn’t a perfect system, far from it, but it helped keep her from making decisions out of darkness.
She was about to start another set when she heard the door clang behind her and felt another person coming up next to her. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see it was Mohan and her hands were shaking badly, her hair was wild, and Trinity could practically hear her heartbeat. Trinity’s heart twisted. They were not friends, but Trinity always appreciated her guidance and teaching style, as well as her steadying presence in the ED. Seeing the normally unflappable senior resident like this was unsettling and she didn’t know what to do, especially after she’d had such a terrifying health scare barely a few hours prior. She hesitated though. It did not look like Mohan had noticed her yet and she did not want to leave her alone, not after she had been a patient in the ED below them so recently. So she tucked the rosary back into her pocket and just stayed there, her elbows on the railing, looking out into the city. Mohan was speaking rapidly in another language. Venting, Trinity thought. She’d certainly done that plenty of times herself.
Mohan finally turned to look at her. She seemed a bit startled to see Trinity. “I don’t suppose it’s too much to hope you do not understand Tamil?” Mohan asked tentatively.
Trinity smiled slightly. “I can’t speak for Princess, but I only speak English, Tagalog, and a tiny bit of high school level Spanish. Your secrets are safe with the wind.”
They stood there in silence for a few more moments before Mohan spoke again. “I am re-evaluating every choice I’ve ever made. I don’t know what to do next. ” Trinity just hummed, leaving it open for Mohan to talk more. She didn’t want to pressure her. Mohan sighed, "I just, it’s hard to explain. What are you doing up here?”
Trinity shrugged. “I just needed some air.”
“And you came up to the roof to get it? Instead of just leaving?” It was a heady thing, having Samira Mohan’s full, undivided attention. Mohan had flipped the switch so fast it was dizzying. Trinity swallowed back her instinct to spill everything to her. She’d seen Mohan do this with patients before, but she usually turned it off with her coworkers. At least, Trinity had never been the subject before, not like this. She tried to focus, to come up with a reason she’s up here that directed Mohan away from worrying about her. Unfortunately, her heart was hammering too hard to pull that off so instead she offered a deal.
“I’ll tell you mine if you’ll tell me yours?” Mohan was notoriously elusive and private. Trinity expected her to give up immediately.
Instead, Mohan nodded. “Fair enough. But I have already given you something.”
Trinity looked at the other woman for a long moment before throwing out, “Why don’t we get something to eat while we talk?” She knew that no one had been able to force her to eat anything after being cleared earlier, so it was a good bet that she needed something in her stomach. Plus, if she was going to have this conversation, it’s better for it not to be where someone else from work can stumble on them. Oddly, she trusted Mohan. She didn’t feel like telling her how difficult this whole day is would be as hard with her as it would be with Dennis. She’d certainly never have this conversation with Yolanda. She winced slightly at the thought of her casual fuck buddy. She was pretty sure they were fully and completely done at this point. Langdon’s return had taken the already existing wedge of casual and blown the delicate balance of their relationship wide open. At this point, she was just hoping they could behave normally enough around each other not to draw more attention.
Trinity refocused her attention on Mohan, who had finally answered her question. “Sure. I know a hole-in-the-wall diner not too terribly far from here, if you’re into that?”
Trinity gave her an easy grin. “Sure am, can’t go wrong with diner food. Do you have a car here or shall I drive us over?”
Mohan answered, “You can drive us over. I can give directions.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ride over was fairly quiet. Mohan gave directions in the car with the same precision and clarity that she gives instructions in the ED. Trinity pulled into the parking lot for the diner, which looks like it’s on the verge of falling apart. Its neon sign had a lot of lights out, but she could still see the open 24/7 flickering in the window. She eyed Mohan for a moment. She didn’t think she’d lure her here to kill her, but right now, anything is possible. Mohan had a ghost of a smile on as she pushed the door open.
“Table for two please.” She told the bored-looking cashier, who grabbed two menus with a smack of her gum.
“Finally bringing someone here, hmm?” To Trinity’s surprise, Mohan looked a little embarrassed. She tried to ignore the implications laden in the hostess’ tone.
“She’s from work. We came straight from the hospital. We’re, uh, debriefing. Any chance there’s a table that’s a little more tucked away? We’re discussing a case. HIPPA, you know.” Trinity had never seen Mohan stumble over her words like she was right now. It’s kind of fun.
The hostess just laughed affectionately at Mohan and led them all the way to the back of the diner to a corner booth. Trinity slid into the seat and picked up the massive menu. It looked like everything in the world was an option. Pancakes, omelets, burgers, pasta, steak, there were so many choices she was a little overwhelmed. She ended up choosing the club sandwich and a vanilla milkshake, though. They were both classics for a reason, and classic seemed like the right choice. She noticed that the waitress didn’t ask Mohan what she wanted, just took Trinity’s order and left. Curious, curious indeed.
“So, Trinity. Why were you up on the roof after your shift?” Mohan’s whole attention was on her again, but sitting in this diner, it didn’t feel as intense as it did earlier.
“I wasn’t really lying, I did need some air. It was a pretty overwhelming day, between having some, uh, hard patients, being so behind on charting, the network being shut down.” Trinity hesitated, then continued quietly. “Langdon coming back.”
Mohan’s eyes softened and Trinity thought she detected a flicker of relief in them, but before she could speak, the waitress materialized with drinks. The milkshake for her, and a hot chocolate for Mohan.
“Come on, you could at least let me have coffee!” Mohan called after the waitress, who did not even turn around to toss a response over her shoulder.
“You need to get some sleep tonight Samira!” Trinity hid her smile at the exchange by quickly sipping her milkshake. Mohan rolled her eyes, but simply sipped the hot chocolate, despite the heat of the July air.
“That is a lot. I remember the shift from intern to R2 was probably the most difficult one I made. The increase in charting and teaching all at once is hard, but once you get the hang of it you will be fine.”
Trinity played with the bend in her straw for a moment before responding quietly. “What if I don’t. What if the charting is always too much for me and I never get the hang of it. What if Langdon was right and I am not meant to be here?”
Mohan’s jaw set. “Did he say something to you today?”
Trinity shook her head. “Honestly, he’s been really complimentary and helpful today? I just can’t get the things he said my first day out of my head any time I see him. Even though he’s been almost too nice today.”
“You are an excellent doctor, Trinity. And I have seen you improve since you got here. If you need help with charting and balancing your new responsibilities, just ask for it. Dr. Al is a wonderful attending, and I am your senior resident. We can help. That’s what we’re here for. Langdon was wrong then and I am sure he recognizes that now.”
Trinity took another long sip of her milkshake. Perfectly made, one of the best she’d ever had. She still did not like that Langdon was back, but at least she still had people in her corner. “Dr. Al-Hashimi threatened to make me repeat my R2 if I didn’t catch up on my charting. But I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I stay hours after every day to try to keep up, I come in early, I really don’t know what else to do.” Her voice cracked, “I am exhausted all the time.”
Mohan reached across the table and took her hand. “We will figure it out, I promise. You are not alone in this at all. Next time we are in, we’ll grab Dr. Al and ask her to help brainstorm. I promise you that she wants you to succeed.” Trinity’s heart hammered. The waitress had arrived back though, so Trinity somewhat reluctantly let go of Mohan’s hand.
“Alright, a club sandwich for you, and eggs over easy with toast for you, Samira. With extras of the strawberry jam for you, Nicky insisted.” The waitress patted Mohan’s shoulder as she set the plates down in front of them. It was very illuminating, seeing her outside of the ED. Trinity definitely had not expected Mohan to have a food joint haunt, especially one where the entire staff was so clearly fond of her. It was an intriguing piece of the puzzle of her coworker and she filed it away next to everything else she was learning about Mohan today.
They took a moment to dig in and eat before continuing the conversation. Mohan ate quickly and efficiently, which Trinity couldn’t say she didn’t expect. She took her time though. Trinity was enjoying her meal very much. It wasn’t going to win any awards from Gordan Ramsey, but it was the kind of food she expected and wanted from a diner. Exactly what she needed after her shift.
“What is making you re-evaluate your whole life, Mohan?”
Mohan looked up from her plate, blinking. “What?”
Trinity continued, “I mean, you mentioned on the roof that you were re-evaluating your whole life. I gave you mine, I want to hear more about yours.”
Mohan sighed. “Fine, fair enough. But first of all, we are outside of work. It is ridiculous for you to keep calling me Mohan like we’re still in the ED. I’m Samira. You can call me that in the ED too, you know.”
“Okay, Samira.” Trinity knew she could use her first name already. Samira was not shy about inviting people to use it. But Trinity had always been a little afraid that if she did use her name, or even a nickname, that her minor crush on her senior resident would explode and it was already bad enough. Yolanda had snapped at her more than once when she noticed her watching Samira. But she was sitting in a diner having dinner with Samira Mohan outside of work, so that ship had left the dock ages ago. She might as well lean into it.
Samira smiled at that before donning a more serious look to continue. “My mother is getting married soon, and is in the process of selling the house I grew up in to go on a year long cruise around the world.”
Trinity raised her eyebrow. “Like on TikTok?”
Samira looked puzzled. “I’m not sure? I don’t think my mother is on TikTok.” Trinity shrugged and Samira seemed to take that as an indication to keep going. “I had planned to return to New Jersey to take a job near my mother, as I had planned from the beginning of med school, but now I feel like there’s no point. Like I’m adrift and don’t know what to do next. My plan for my life and future is in shreds.”
Trinity sucked in a breath and looked sympathetically at Samira, who was eating and avoiding looking back at her. “That’s rough. What was your plan? You know, before.” Trinity really wanted to know the answer to that question, actually.
Samira did not look up from her food as she answered. “Get my certification in Emergency Medicine. Move to the job I had lined up in New Jersey and move back near my mother. Make friends, get a cat, date a little, marry someone nice, have a couple kids. You know, the standard.”
Trinity tilted her head. “Is the standard what you actually want?”
“I don’t know. I…I just don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t even know who I am, really.” Samira’s voice trembled. She covered it up as best she could, but Trinity heard it clear as a bell.
She reached out and took Samira’s hand. “That’s okay. There’s lots of other paths.”
“And then there’s the fact that I’ve now been diagnosed with a heart condition. The same thing that killed my father. If I was running out of time before, now I really am.”
Trinity reached out to grab her other hand too. “Hang on Samira, wait!” There was something a little wild in the other woman’s eyes. “I heard about your diagnosis, and you know very well as a doctor, an incredible doctor in fact, that this is manageable! It is not the end of the world. You can get married and have kids and be okay. That’s still an option for you if you want it! You are going to live a long and happy life, I am sure of it.” Samira wiped her eyes with a napkin before returning it to Trinity’s grasp. Trinity politely ignored the tears. “So your life is different than you imagined. Do you think I thought my life would be like this 10 years ago?” Samira looked at her curiously and Trinity made the somewhat impulsive decision to continue. “When I started college, I was a mess. And I spent the first two years of college being a mess, and taking business classes so that I could graduate and join a Fortune500 company and make the money my nanay wanted me to. The money that would finally lift my family out of the barely making it category to middle class and would make up for the money my parents had spent on me.” Trinity paused, weighing how much she wanted to tell the woman across the table before charging ahead. “I would have been a very good business exec, but there was this moment when I was 19 and at a festival and I was making terrible, dangerous choices and I should have died. I would have died, if the doctor treating me wasn’t so experienced and able to figure out what was wrong with me and order a rush on the labs. Hyponatremia, among other things.”
“That’s how you were able to recognize that patient?”
Trinity nodded. “The irony of the parallels are not lost on me, I admit. But yeah, after that something switched on. I wanted to be that skilled. To help and save instead of.” Trinity’s voice trailed off. Samira didn’t push for more.
“You are doing that. You are well on your way to being that doctor that can recognize ailments and call for exactly the right tests.”
Trinity huffed a laugh. “Not today. No. Today I confused ITP with abuse, missed an eating disorder diagnosis, fucked up with a Deaf patient.” She sucked in a breath. “Lost a kid.”
“Trinity,” Samira said firmly, “you had a bad day. That doesn’t make you a bad doctor. We all have days that are more misses than hits. It happens. You’re human.”
“Feels like I should have been able to do those right if I was a real doctor.”
“I promise you Trinity, every single doctor has days like that. Especially in emergency medicine. I know it can feel crushing, but you are such a gift to the ED. Don’t let this discourage you. You belong here.”
It felt almost painfully like the conversation they had had on her first day, where Samira had told her clearly and in no uncertain terms that she did not deserve Langdon’s vitriol. It soothed her then, and it soothed her even more now, knowing even more what an excellent doctor and teacher Samira was. And it certainly didn’t hurt to have her looking with such earnest eyes. It makes Trinity do yet another impulsive thing. Her third since her shift ended, all to do with the woman across from her. But who’s counting?
“Do you want to come over? The roomie isn’t around.” Samira blinked at Trinity in surprise. She raced to continue, to make it sound less like she’s asking for a hookup from her direct superior and work crush hopefully friend. “My apartment has a great view of the fireworks and I thought it would be nice to watch with you.” She held her breath. If Samira said no it would be fine and not a rejection (not like it was with Yolanda) but she really, really wanted her to say yes.
Samira hesitated a long while before finally agreeing with a quick nod. “I guess it’s not like I have anything else to do. I’ve never seen the fireworks before, truthfully. I usually work a double on the Fourth. I’m only not doing that today because no one in the ED will let me stay.”
Trinity dragged Samira out immediately, not wanting to give her any reason to change her mind. She stopped briefly and tried to pay the bill before getting waved out with a “we’re just so glad our Samira is getting out there!” Trinity catalogued Samira’s flushed cheeks and stammer before she managed to bundle her into the car. Samira avoided looking at her on the quick ride over to her complex, which emboldened Trinity a bit. She still wasn’t going to make a proper move. Samira was far too important to be a quick and dirty hookup. But, she could already feel the monster inside of her curling around the hope that Samira might also be interested in her and she wanted to put it to the test.
Trinity had set up the living room so that the couch was directly facing the windows where the fireworks would be visible. Once they had entered and kicked off their shoes, Trinity tugged Samira over to the couch. It was late, but they sat down just in time for the first explosion. It felt like a sign to Trinity, the literal fireworks as an extension of the internal ones she felt seeing Samira in her home, on her couch, with her head on her shoulder, curled into her side. She never wanted it to end.
The last firework finally popped and Samira moved to collect her phone and get off the couch, when, yet again, Trinity made an impulsive choice. Hopefully her last of the night.
“It’s pretty late and I know we are both off tomorrow. Any chance you want to just stay over? Then I can be fresh to drive you home in the morning and you won’t have to pay exorbitant uber fees.”
“I don’t have any extra clothes with me. I’m still in the scrubs from my shift, even.” Samira’s protest had to sound weak even to her own ears. To Trinity, it was pretty much a yes.
She replied brightly, “oh don’t worry about that! I have plenty of stuff you can use for the night and tomorrow until I bring you home!” She could see in real time when the last vestiges of Samira’s resistance collapse.
“Fine. I’m so exhausted I don’t trust myself not to fall asleep in the car anyway.” Trinity grinned at Samira, who wasn’t able to stop the smile spreading across her own face as she guided her to her bedroom.
“Come, you can change in my room, there’s an extra, unused toothbrush in the ensuite you can grab too.” Trinity handed Samira boxers and a Johns Hopkins med school shirt she’d worn so much it was soft from use, the perfect sleep shirt. She snagged her own set too and slipped into Huck’s room to change. This whole thing makes her feel a little giddy, even though she has no intention of having sex with Samira tonight. She’s already told Samira more about herself and her feelings than she’s given anyone in years, and she wasn’t running. This could be the start of something real. Trinity hadn’t thought she’d wanted that before, but now, with the possibility dangled in front of her, she might with Samira.
All ready for bed, and looking half-asleep standing up, Samira moved towards the door back out to the living room. “Good night, Trinity. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Trinity would like to say that this was yet another impulsive decision, but truthfully, it wasn’t. Reaching out and tugging Samira onto her bed with her was a choice she made with her whole being.
“My bed is big enough for both of us. See?” Samira looked at her, panicked. “It’s just to sleep, I promise.” Trinity’s voice softened. “I just don’t want to be alone tonight, and I think maybe you don’t either.”
Samira stared directly into Trinity’s soul for a long moment before slowly nodding. “Yes, I suppose that would be nice.” Samira carefully settled herself next to Trinity, tucking herself under the covers and curling away from Trinity. Trinity leaned up and turned the lights off, then lay still as she listened to Samira’s breath slowly even out as she drifted off herself. Her day may have been terrible, but at least it had ended here.