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It was driving Eddie crazy. Buck was asleep. Again.
Eddie was frustrated. Since he’d come back from Texas, he kept trying to find a moment to talk to Buck. To really talk. About how things stood between them, now that he and Chris were back in LA. About their living situation, with Buck still sharing their house.
About how Eddie had realised that his feelings for Buck had… changed… at some point, had deepened beyond friendship. About what - if anything - Buck wanted that to mean.
Important stuff. Potentially life changing stuff.
Stuff you couldn’t discuss with someone who was asleep all the time.
Eddie sighed.
It should have been easy to find time to talk to Buck. He inhabited every moment of Eddie’s life. He was still living with Eddie and Christopher. He made breakfast for all of them every morning. He helped Eddie wrangle an increasingly teenage Chris, with all the attitude that brought. They shared meals and they divided up chores.
They lived together. But not together. In a house that had been Eddie’s, then became Buck’s, and was now Eddie’s again.
Never theirs.
At work, they had quickly settled into the same shift pattern, with Eddie rejoining the 118 A-shift. They would carshare to work, spend the day working side-by-side, then ride home together when their shift ended.
So how had there still not been the chance to talk?
It turned out that there was always a reason why none of these shared moments were right for Eddie to talk to Buck about his feelings. Sometimes, Christopher was there. And Eddie did not need a sarcastic teen audience heckling from the sidelines as he declared his love for Buck. At work, he had the same problem with the team. And yes, Ravi and Chim were definitely a sarcastic teen audience, at least in spirit. Sometimes time was the issue as they had to get to work or to pick Chris up from school. And this was not something Eddie wanted to blindside Buck with after a tough call or a hard shift.
But the biggest issue was that, as soon as Buck stopped and relaxed, even for a moment, he instantly fell asleep. Eddie would emerge from their kitchen with two mugs of coffee, ready to talk, to be met with deep, regular breathing, and Buck dead to the world.
So Eddie was growing more and more frustrated. It made him want to scream. Buck was always nearby now but, sometimes, it felt like Eddie might as well still be in Texas for all the good their proximity was doing.
Every night, Buck slept on the couch, stubbornly making it up at bedtime with blankets and a pillow despite Eddie’s best efforts to challenge those sleeping arrangements. Eddie had offered to alternate nights with Buck. He’d tried to argue it was only fair if they both did couch duty. He’d offered more than once, but Buck was immovable on the subject. No, I won’t take your bed, Eds was always his final word.
And every night, Eddie lay awake until late, the same thoughts running through his head.
Because Eddie didn't want Buck to take his bed. He wanted Buck to share his bed. He yearned for the chance to lie next to Buck in the quiet intimacy of the night, to hold him and feel him breathe as they fell asleep. To wake up to the warmth of Buck next to him.
And yes, it was probably just fantasy. Eddie knew that. He did. Really. His feelings for Buck did not mean that Buck would feel anything more than friendship in return. However much Eddie wanted it to be real, sharing sleepy morning kisses with Buck was likely to remain just a fantasy.
But.
What if Buck did have feelings for him too? Would it be so crazy?
Maybe Eddie’s fantasy of building a life with Buck could be real. For it to even be remotely possible, though, Eddie had to tell Buck how he felt.
At this point, Eddie knew he was just making things harder for himself. It was a big deal, yes. He would be coming out as something other than straight, and Eddie was still working through what his feelings for Buck actually meant for his own sexuality. More importantly, or so it felt to Eddie, it meant asking to change one of the most important relationships he’d ever had. And all that was terrifying.
But this was Buck.
Buck, who would never hurt Eddie, even if all he felt was friendship. Buck, who would support Eddie without question. Who would still be Eddie’s best friend. Who would still have his back, whatever happened.
Knowing this made Eddie love Buck even more. And that brought Eddie back to the starting point of this mental spiralling where... he just had to tell Buck how he felt.
Except. Except.
Eddie knew he would be crushed if Buck turned him down, however gentle Buck was in doing so. And part of him was as terrified that Buck would love him back as he was that he would walk away. Could he be good enough to deserve Buck’s love? Would he be able to make him happy? Eddie didn’t know, and it was torture.
Still, Eddie had decided in Texas that he wouldn’t hide, wouldn’t run anymore. He’d be brave. He deserved to be happy. He would try and ask for what he wanted.
And Eddie wanted Buck.
Never had something that felt so complicated actually been so simple, Eddie realised.
Buck made Eddie’s life complete.
And that was beautiful. But also worrying when Eddie thought about the implications. He really didn’t want Buck to move out, for example. Buck kept making vague noises about finding his own place. Eddie did not want that to happen. Having the man he secretly loved living with them was something Eddie had dreamed of even before they’d moved back from Texas.
Eddie knew they couldn’t actually hold Buck prisoner and stop him moving out if he decided to, so Eddie just did his best to make Buck know he was welcome and didn’t have to leave. He tried to make it so Buck wouldn’t want to leave, and so far it seemed to be working. Eddie prayed it would keep working, because the thought of their house without Buck made something tighten unpleasantly in Eddie’s chest.
It was just one of the important things they had to talk about.
So, yes, Eddie had been trying to find a private moment to talk to Buck. But when they did find a moment to themselves with the space to think and time to talk, Buck always fell asleep. Eddie was far too nervous about the I’ve come back from Texas knowing I’m in love with you and want to build a life together conversation to want to start it by having to wake Buck up, so he found himself just waiting. Watching Buck sleep.
And just kept happening.
Now, not even an hour into their shift, Buck was already laid out across the couch in the firehouse loft. His breathing was heavy and rhythmical. Not quite a snore, but audible. And adorable. Eddie shook his head, a fond smile breaking across his face despite his frustration.
Objectively, Buck was a big guy. 6’2”, with broad shoulders and long arms and legs. He was pretty much solid muscle, and he was always a huge presence in every room. Yet, napping Buck seemed to take up twice as much space as Buck did when he was awake. Eddie wondered if it was something about Buck being totally relaxed, letting his guard down in a way he rarely did when he was awake. Or maybe it was just something about Buck being horizontal that made him seem… larger.
Whatever the cause, it went against the laws of physics. No one person should be able to fill space like Buck did when he was asleep.
Eddie sighed. He sank into the armchair next to the couch that was struggling to contain his best friend. Trying to enjoy just being close to Buck after the long months they were apart. Reminding himself to be grateful just to be home again, to be back in LA and back with the 118, to have Buck in his life.
Hen wandered over, a slight frown on her face.
“He Ok?” she asked, looking at Buck with an expression that was both fond and slightly concerned.
Eddie looked at her curiously.
“Yeah, Hen. I think so. Why?”
“He’s just been napping a lot. More than normal. I wondered if he was doing Ok. While you were away he didn’t sleep great, but now he's at the other extreme. To start with, I thought maybe he was coming down with something, but it's been weeks now. Sleeping too much can be a sign of PTSD or of underlying mental trauma, and it can also be a symptom of a whole range of physical problems. He's been through such a lot, physically and mentally, and he always bounces back. Or he seems to. It feels like something just has to give at some point, y'know?”
Hen stroked Buck’s hair gently so as not to wake him.
“I worry for him, Eddie. I know he struggles sometimes and he doesn’t tell us. It's like he thinks he has to protect us from his feelings or his problems. He’s the best of us in a lot of ways. Though, don’t get me wrong, he’s the worst in some ways too.”
She smiled, her eyes soft as she looked down at the sleeping giant of a man, running her fingers through his curls one last time before leaning back and folding her arms.
“I just think it’s his turn to be happy. To be loved.”
She gave Eddie a knowing look he definitely pretended not to see. How could Hen see right through everyone? Now looking at his sleeping friend with worry, he couldn’t help but agree with her. Buck filled the world with golden light and warmth, like he was the sun in human form. He did so much for everyone. He’d done so much for Eddie.
Buck definitely deserved to be happy. Eddie desperately wanted to be the one to make Buck happy.
“I’ll keep an eye on him, Hen.”
She nudged her shoulder into Eddie's.
"I know you will, Edmundo".
Then the alarm sounded. Buck snapped awake, oblivious to their concern, and the three of them headed to the engine.
——————————————
Now Eddie wasn’t distracted by his own frustration, it was obvious that Buck was napping much more than was normal.
Much more than anyone should.
Every time Eddie turned around Buck was sprawled out somewhere, fast asleep. He napped on the couch in the fire station. He napped in the seat next to Eddie on the way back from calls, his head falling on Eddie’s shoulder in a way that made something flutter in Eddie's chest. Once, Eddie even found him napping on the roof of the fire truck when they were supposed to be cleaning it.
It was the same outside work.
Buck fell asleep propped up against Eddie during movie night. Every time. Eddie couldn’t remember the last time Buck had seen a whole movie right through to the end.
He fell asleep while helping Christopher with his homework, waking with a sleepy grin when Chris nudged him to tell him off for snoring.
They still carshared, like they always used to. But, before, Buck would always drive. To the point he used to tease Eddie he was a passenger princess. Eddie had secretly loved it. Now, however, Eddie drove and Buck would nap, his loud steady breathing filling the car instead of their usual banter.
No one needed this much sleep. Something was definitely wrong.
Now Eddie was frustrated and worried and stressed. When he was stressed, Eddie always talked to Buck. Or, rather, Buck noticed that Eddie was struggling and intervened. But Buck was sleeping too much to even notice Eddie was worried, and that rang alarm bells all on its own.
Eddie couldn’t talk to Buck about this. So he did the next best thing. He did a Buck-style deep dive online. While Buck was sleeping, of course. So what if Eddie Diaz, trained medic and first responder, was consulting Doctor Google? What could go wrong with that?
Hen was right, as usual. Frequent napping was linked to PTSD, but also to depression and anxiety. It could be linked to significant trauma like, say, being struck by lightning.
Yeah. Buck could play worrying possible causes of excessive napping bingo. So could Eddie, of course. But Eddie wasn't the one currently drooling on his own arm on shift, so there was that.
Napping more than normal could also be linked to physical conditions like diabetes, heart disease, low blood pressure and anaemia. Amongst other things. Including chronic pain. Like you’d get from, say, a serious crush injury.
Was Buck in pain? Eddie didn’t think so. He’d never said anything, or shown signs of having to manage ongoing pain. Napping could also be linked to certain medications, though. Was Buck taking meds Eddie didn’t know about? Pain meds? Antidepressants? Or was he sick and taking meds for that?
Eddie realised he was spiralling again. He couldn’t stop it. He had to do something, had to talk to someone.
Eddie couldn’t work out how to talk to Buck about it. When he tried to find the right words to bring it up, it sounded like he was making a big deal out of nothing. He could hear Buck now, laughter in his voice, asking Eddie how much napping was too much. And whether Eddie was the snooze police. Which, Eddie thought, maybe I am.
Or, sometimes when he ran it in his head, it came out like Eddie was accusing Buck of something. Of hiding something, or lying. Which would not lead to a calm and constructive conversation with Buck.
So Eddie talked to Bobby, like they all did when they needed help.
“Bobby, you got a minute?” Eddie asked, hovering in the doorway of his captain’s office.
Bobby looked up, a smile on his face. “Always, Eddie. Come on in.”
Eddie closed the door behind him and took a seat opposite Bobby, who had was sitting at his desk surrounded by paperwork.
Bobby raised an eyebrow. “A closed door conversation. You Ok, Eddie?”
“Me? I’m fine, Cap. Better than fine, actually. It’s so great to be back. Everything feels right. Like home, y’know?”
Bobby nodded, still smiling.
“So, what can I do for you?”
Eddie didn’t know where to start. This was going to sound stupid, like he was making something out of nothing.
“It’s Buck”
Concern flashed across Bobby’s face, obvious worry for their youngest team member who Bobby loved like a son.
“Did something happen? Is he Ok?”
Eddie sighed. “That’s the thing, Bobby. I don’t know. He’s fine, happy, normal. But he naps all the time. Noticeably more than he used to. More than anyone should. He’s eating fine - I check - and he’s just our usual Buckaroo when he’s awake. But this feels… off. I can’t explain why, but I’m worried. Hen is too. I looked into it and it, and excessive sleep could be a symptom of so many things, mental or physical. Or it could be nothing.”
Eddie closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking at Bobby again.
“And, as you can see, Bobby, I’m handling it really well…”
Bobby laughed, but Eddie could see the tension in his Captain’s face.
“It’s Ok to worry, Eddie. You aren’t the only one who cares about Buck. You should have seen him when you were in Texas. We were all concerned.”
Eddie hated to be reminded of how much he’d hurt his best friend by moving away. It had all worked out in the end, but the time apart had been brutal for both of them. Eddie couldn’t bear to picture Buck struggling secretly in LA while being so strong for Eddie, supporting him from miles away through some of the hardest moments of his life.
Bobby had paused, thinking. He looked out across the firehouse to where Buck was sprawled on one of the couches, snoring gently as he slept.
“I guess he has been sleeping more around the firehouse.”
“And in the engine" Eddie said, his voice somehow brittle. "And at home. And in the car.”
“Really?” Bobby seemed to be taking Eddie more seriously. “But he seems fine otherwise?”
“Yeah. Better than fine, actually. He seems really happy. When he’s not napping.”
“Ok, Eddie. Maybe you should talk to him. Ask him how he’s doing.”
Eddie grimaced. “Thanks Bobby. I hadn’t thought of that. Any idea how I do that without coming across as a crazy person? Buck, I’ve been watching you sleep…”.
Bobby laughed. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out Eddie.”
Then he grew more serious again. “I’ll keep an eye on him too. My gut says it’s nothing to worry about, but I trust you, and Hen, so I’m not going to ignore this.”
“Thanks Cap”. Eddie stood and again glanced fondly across at his sleeping friend. Almost without thinking he added softly. “I need him to be OK, Bobby.”
“We all do, Eddie. We all do.”
And Eddie knew that was true. Buck was important to everyone. But Buck was important to him in a different way. It made Eddie feel warm inside, but also a little scared. He was in love with Evan Buckley, and he was worried about him. He knew now he didn’t have a choice. And maybe needed to be honest with Buck about his own feelings in order to ask Buck to be honest with him about what ever he was going through.
Eddie thought long and hard about how to talk to Buck. He’d gone from not seeing Buck for months, except on a tiny screen, to having him present pretty much 24/7.
And Eddie loved it. Loved the closeness, loved Buck’s tangible presence. Buck was everywhere, even when he was mostly asleep. Larger than life. Filling the couch with his body. Filling the room with the sound of his breathing. Filling the house with his laughter. Buck was just there, always in Eddie’s personal space. Always close enough to touch, always with the biggest smile on his face. Bumping shoulders as they walked, touching knees as they sat.
He’d missed Buck so much while he and Chris had been in Texas, and being near him again was almost a physical relief. Being close to Buck, having Buck in their home as part of their family, fixed something inside Eddie he hadn’t even realised was broken. So Eddie let Buck in. He inhabited all areas of Eddie's life and quietly, unknowingly, took full ownership of Eddie's heart.
Buck's soft smiles, the physical contact, all sent waves of electricity through Eddie’s soul. You love Buck that soul whispered, and Eddie knew it was true. But it was also, he realised, overwhelming. He needed Buck, and he needed Buck to be Ok. He had to find out what was going on with Buck so he could help Buck however he needed. Eddie had a plan. A grown up and mature plan. He was going to talk to Maddie, and see if the two of them could tag team a calm and supportive conversation with Buck to explore if there was anything to worry about and to plan how to help him if so.
Which was, of course, not how it played out.
That evening, Eddie found himself sitting on the couch in their living room, Buck leaning on his shoulder. Chris was in bed. In theory, he and Buck were watching a movie but, unsurprisingly, Buck was sleeping and Eddie was watching him doze.
Again.
And, with his worry for Buck amplifying the tension around his own feelings, finally, something inside Eddie just... snapped.
This was madness. Eddie loved Buck. He needed to know what was wrong with Buck, needed to understand why he was sleeping so much, needed to know how to help him. They had to talk. Now.
Eddie gently nudged Buck, who slowly came awake, looking round groggily, before his eyes settled on Eddie.
“Eds?”
“Buck, I think we need to talk.”
Worry flashed across Buck’s face in an instant, chasing away all remnants of sleep. “Did… Did I do something, Eds? Am I in the way? I know I’m supposed to be moving out, but I…” he trailed off.
Then he looked down at his hands.
“I’m just so happy here” he said softly. “I’m sorry if I overstayed my welcome. I’ll start properly looking for a place tomorrow.”
Eddie was horrified. This was not how he wanted the conversation to go.
“Hey, relax, Buddy. Chris and I love having you here. You know that. We don’t want you to move out. Not… not unless that’s what you want.”
Eddie paused. Taking a deep breath, he reached for one of Buck’s hands, surprised to feel it tremble under his fingers. Like Buck was nervous. Or scared.
Or sick.
God, maybe Buck was sick. Was that why he napped constantly? Eddie wouldn’t be able to bear it if there was something wrong with the man he’d just accepted he was in love with. Eddie took a breath. He could do this. Just because nearly dying seemed to be Buck’s default approach to everything, didn’t mean this was anything to worry about. It really didn’t. Yeah, right.
“Eds?” Buck still looked nervous. His eyes kept darting to the door as if he was desperate for an escape.
Sighing, Eddie turned on the couch so he was facing Buck. He gave Buck’s hand a gentle squeeze.
“Buck, look at me.” Buck’s eyes looked into Eddie’s and, not for the first time, Eddie was almost overwhelmed by their colour and depth. Two shining blue oceans that threatened to drown his every conscious thought.
“Evan, I’m worried about you. Not just me. Hen too. And Bobby. Are- are you doing Ok? You know we’re here if you need us. If you need anything. You matter to us, you know? We want to be here for you, whatever you might need.”
Buck frowned, thinking, processing.
“I-I know, Eds. But I’m good. Really good. It’s been… great since you and Chris came home.” Buck ducked his head and then looked up at Eddie, his beautiful eyes framed by think blonde lashes. “Why would you think I’m not Ok?”
Buck’s voice was low, nervous somehow. It didn’t make Eddie feel better.
“You sleep all the time, Buck. I mean, all the time. You seem fine when you’re awake, but you don’t drive us to work anymore, you don’t cook at the firehouse, you never make it to the end of any movie we watch. You just... sleep. All the time. It’s… it’s not a normal amount.”
Eddie trailed off and saw Buck relax, though he didn’t understand why. Buck had the look of a kid who thought he’d been caught doing something wrong, only to be accused of doing something else. Hmm.
Buck dropped his gaze from Eddie’s, looking at their still-joined hands, at Eddie’s thumb which had stated tracing circles on the inside of Buck’s wrist.
“I guess I’m just tired Eddie. Maybe sleeping on your couch full time isn’t Ok. Maybe I do need to find my own place. I should start looking.”
“No” Eddie said, the word coming out sharp and firm. “Don’t run from this. Don't run from me. There is something going on with you. I know there is. Hen sees it too. Tell me what the problem is. Please. You’re scaring me. I looked up what it could mean, sleeping all the time, but there were so many things. So many possible causes. Are you struggling mentally? Hurting physically? On new meds?” He swallowed. “Are you sick?”
He paused and squeezed Buck’s hand. Buck was still staring at their interlocked in fingers, his face unreadable.
“Whatever it is, let me help you. Please, let me in. I love you so much and I just want to help you.”
Buck froze. Then he just stared at Eddie with wide, unblinking eyes. It took Eddie a second to realise why. To register exactly what he’d said.
Oh. Oh.
Well, that was one way to raise the subject of his feelings. Just drop it in, out of the blue, during an awkward conversation that's obviously uncomfortable for Buck. Perfect. Well done, Eddie. He sighed and closed his eyes. No going back now he thought. Eddie reached out a gentle hand and held Buck’s chin so he couldn’t look away.
“Evan Buckley, I love you. I don’t know when it started, but it feels like you’ve been a piece of me since the day we met. The time we were apart brought things into focus and, since I’ve been back I’ve been trying to find the right time to talk to you. To tell you.”
Eddie smiled then.
“This was obviously… not the right time.”
With relief Eddie saw a smile flash across Buck’s face. It was only there for a second, but it was something.
“But I guess I just couldn’t keep it in any more. I’ve been trying to find a moment, and it’s been so frustrating because you were always napping. Then… Hen pointed out just how much of the time you spend asleep, and I started to worry.”
Eddie took a breath.“So… Evan, please. I need to know what’s wrong and how I can help. Because I think… I think you are the love of my life, and I really need you to be Ok.”
Those startling blue eyes, the most beautiful eyes Eddie had ever seen, stared into his own, like Buck was trying to see into Eddie’s soul. Eddie held his gaze. He only realised he was crying when Buck raised an unsteady finger and brushed away a tear from Eddie’s cheek.
“Eds” Buck breathed. “You’re not… you can’t…”
Still holding Buck’s eyes with his own, Eddie gave a broken smile. “But I do, though.”
Then he was suddenly in Buck’s arms. Those strong arms that had saved Christopher, that had saved Eddie, that had hugged him in friendship countless times. They finally reached for him to wrap him into a different kind of embrace. Eddie could feel Buck tremble with emotion as he was held tight against that huge chest. He could hear the tension in Buck's uneven breathing.
He felt, more than heard, Buck whisper “I do too” into his neck, soft lips grazing his skin as they formed the words.
That was all Eddie needed. He pulled away so he could see Buck’s face. “Can I kiss you?” It came out as a plea.
Buck nodded, and Eddie leaned in, his eyes focused on Buck's mouth. Their lips met, pressing together, softly but with a quiet desperation born out of need. Eddie melted into Buck, his lips parting to welcome in the warm firm pressure of Buck’s tongue. It was overwhelming, tasting Buck. Sweet as sugar, warm as cinnamon, dark as smoke. It was perfect. It was all Eddie had dreamed of. It was everything.
Eventually they pulled apart. Eddie felt dizzy, like he'd just had his first proper kiss. Which, in some ways, he reflected, it was.
They stilled, not moving away from each other, not wanting to break the moment.
Buck’s eyes were hazy now, as if something about kissing Eddie was intoxicating. Eddie’s fingers lingered at Buck’s jawline, then his thumb traced a path up the side of his face, skimming across his cheekbone, and then coming to rest on the deepening pink flush of his birthmark. Eddie leaned back in and lightly brushed a kiss to Buck's temple where the mark glowed against Buck's pale skin. Eddie realised he'd wanted to kiss that birthmark for, well, for a while now. He felt Buck tense for a second, and Eddie wondered if anyone else had ever kissed Buck there. Had others been as captivated by it as Eddie was?
Then Buck slumped against Eddie's strong, toned body, going almost limp in Eddie's arms. A soft sound escaped him, almost a moan.
"Eddie, is... is this real? Do you really... I mean... why would you... about me, I mean."
Eddie smiled fondly. "Did you want to take another run at that, Cariño?"
A quiet laugh escaped from Buck, but then he said "I'm serious, Eddie. I didn't ever expect you to... have feelings for me. I'm gonna just need a minute to get my head round this all being true".
Eddie kissed Buck again, a quiet, almost reverential kiss. Like he was trying to let Buck feel how much he loved him. Then he said "I do. I love you. And I've been trying to tell you ever since we got back from El Paso. But you were always napping, or asleep". Eddie frowned, realising he was having the wrong conversation. Buck reached up to smooth the crinkle that had formed at Eddie's brow. But Eddie pulled back. A puzzled look settled on Buck's face.
"What's wrong Eddie? Is this not...?"
Eddie leaned in and kissed Buck again, quickly and firmly. "I want this. I want you. This is a conversation I've been trying to have for months." He ran his fingers through his hair. "But it's not the conversation I was trying to have today".
Buck sighed. He sat back a little. "What would you rather talk about Eds?". He was obviously trying for humour but missed the mark.
"Hey. I love you and I'm worried. Not just me. We need to talk about how much you are sleeping. I looked online..."
Buck's laugh cut through Eddie's thoughts.
"You? You googled too much sleep?" Buck's eyes twinkled with amusement.
Eddie gave him a flat stare. "Yes. Yes, I did. Because I am the sleep police. Because I didn't know what else to do. Because the man I love most in the world is never here any more, he's always asleep. Because I need to understand why. Because I want to help you." Eddie felt his eyes fill with tears. He looked away, but strong fingers gently raised his chin. Buck's crystal blue gaze, no longer amused, met Eddie's.
"I'm sorry, Eddie. I didn't realise it was so bad. I didn't know anyone would notice, or would care".
"Of course we care, Evan. You're family."
Eddie sucked in a breath, steeling himself. "So, what's going on?".
And then, unexpectedly, Buck laughed. He looked embarrassed, and a flush of colour settled on his cheeks.
"I'm fine, Eddie. I really am."
Eddie's disbelief must have shown on his face.
"So why are you sleeping all the time? You must be averaging more than 15 hours of sleep every day, when you factor in the napping and the sleep you get at night."
"Yeah" Buck drawled, trying to sound relaxed. "About that. I'm not really. Sleeping at night, I mean".
Eddie went still. It was almost laughable. All that worry, and Buck was napping all the time because he wasn't sleeping at night. That was it? Then Eddie's brain kicked in.
Why wasn't Buck sleeping at night?
"Why not, querido? Why can't you sleep?"
Now it was Buck's turn to look away. He gripped Eddie's hand.
"I... when you were away... I struggled with sleeping. I couldn't sleep here. Not in your room. Because it always felt like your room. So I tried to sleep on the couch. I mean, that should've felt natural, right? I slept on your couch so much. I just couldn't. Because when I slept on the couch before, it was to be here with you. You and Chris. And I couldn't sleep at the firehouse because it didn't feel like home any more, not without my partner there. Nothing felt right. You were everywhere in my life, and then you were just... gone. I- I knew I was gonna miss you, but I guess I never realised how big a hole you were going to leave. I stayed over sometimes at Maddie's, and with Bobby and Athena. I slept then because you weren't meant to be in those places. I-I even booked a hotel a few times, when it got really bad." Buck flashed Eddie a quick smile. "I suppose that's what you get for only realising you're hopelessly in love with your best friend as you wave him off and watch him driving away from you to his new life in a different state".
"Oh, Buck. I'm sorry." Eddie was actually crying. They were idiots. "We did this so badly. I made such a mess of things by leaving".
"No, Eddie. No. I know you had to go to be with Chris. He needed you, and you needed to fix things. I'm still so proud of you both for working through all that". Buck rubbed a hand across his face. "But it was hard. When you left me standing in the rain that day, it felt like you tore my heart out and took it with you. I tried to fill the hole. I baked, I spent time with Jee. I went out with Ravi and even..."
Buck trailed off. Eddie raised an eyebrow.
Buck sighed.
"I might have hooked up with Tommy" he said quickly, looking at the floor.
"What?" Eddie actually growled.
Buck laughed despite himself.
"Don't worry. It just reinforced that we are not meant to be together. He said things, I said things... Then Maddie said things... It doesn't matter".
"I'm gonna say it does matter, Bud. And we are gonna circle back round to that, and how Maddie comes into it, don't you worry".
Buck sighed again, and actually pouted, which would have been adorable if Eddie hadn't been trying not to picture Tommy kissing those lips. He shook his head, trying to clear the image.
"We're going off topic again, though. I'm sorry I left, Buck. I'm so sorry you struggled. But we're home now. If it was a problem because you missed us, I don't get why sleep is is still an issue now."
Because, if Buck couldn't sleep when Eddie was in Texas, surely Eddie coming home should help.
"I don't really understand either, Eddie. I thought it would be fine when you moved back too. But I think... maybe I'm struggling to accept you're really back. Like, for good. When I'm here on the couch and you're in your room, it... it feels too much like it did before. I-I used to pretend you were sleeping in your room. I thought it might help me sleep if I pretended you hadn't gone. It didn't work, of course, but now I think I've convinced myself that I'm still pretending you're back."
Eddie gave Buck a long, appraising look.
"That's... that's..." he tried.
"I know" Buck said, his voice suddenly tired and full of sadness. "I know it's not normal. It's just, we've nearly lost each other so many times. Between fires, falling buildings, snipers, and a couple of acts of God, I think I've always been low-level scared that one of us wouldn't make it. I've tried to speak to my therapist about it, but they wilted under the weight of the objective evidence that the world hates us."
Eddie laughed at that.
"When you moved, and I realised that you were taking my heart with you, it almost felt like a relief. That I wouldn't constantly have to watch to see if you were safe. Then I realised. I couldn't constantly make sure you were safe. I couldn't have your back anymore. And... well, now you are back, I'm struggling to accept I get to have you in my life again. I think it might be linked to how vivid the coma dream was, blurring the line between what's real and what was in my head. So, I lie here on the couch, awake, reminding myself that you're here. I see your stuff, back where it should be. I can get up and check on you, see for myself you're back and asleep down the hall. But as soon as I close my eyes, I'm just lying on the couch alone trying to convince myself it's not all in my head. Again."
"Oh, Evan" Eddie murmured softly, and he pulled the larger man close, pressing kisses to his curls and to his forehead. "Don't worry. I'm here. Really".
And then it clicked for Eddie.
"That's why you sleep all the time during the day, isn't it? Because I'm here and you can see me?"
Buck nodded, a little sheepishly.
"That's why I can sleep on the couch when you're there next to me. It's why I can sleep in the car, and in the engine, and at the firehouse. I know you are really there."
"Why... for the love of... Buck, why didn't you say anything?"
"Yes, Eddie. I should just have told you. Sorry, Eddie, hope you don't mind but I'm going to be sharing your bed from now on as I can only sleep in your actual physical presence. Oh, by the way, I'm hopelessly in love with you and have been pining for you for months. I'm sure that won't make it awkward in any way, will it?"
Eddie tried to hide a smile.
"If it makes you feel better, I've been trying to work out how to get you into my bed - with me - for weeks. This makes it almost an act of charity. OK, Evan, you can come sleep in my bed, given you need to be near me sooooooo badly".
Buck scoffed. "Thank you for your sacrifice".
They were both grinning now. Eddie pulled Buck in for a kiss. It lasted longer than he'd expected. When they finally separated, Eddie took in Buck's flushed cheeks, his sparkling eyes, his rosy birthmark and his swollen lips. He was dishevelled and absolutely the most beautiful thing Eddie had ever seen.
Standing, Eddie reached out a hand.
"Come to bed, mi corazón."
Buck looked up at him shyly through his thick lashes and took the offered hand.
Getting ready for bed together felt almost normal. Instead of parting and saying goodnight, however, Eddie led Buck into the master bedroom. He gently sat Buck on the bed and knelt in front of him so their faces were level.
"Is this really OK with you?" he asked.
Buck leaned in and pressed the softest of kisses to Eddie's lips.
"Yes, Eds. It's more than OK. I love you so much."
Eddie kissed Buck again then got into bed. Buck settled in beside Eddie, who thrilled at the solid pressure of Buck's leg against his own and pressed back. I'm here, he thought. He rolled onto his side, draping an arm across the expanse of Buck's chest and nestling his head against Buck's shoulder.
"I love you" Eddie whispered.
"Love you too, Eds" Buck said, his voice blurred with sleep.
Eddie smiled. He listened as Buck's breathing slowed and deepened. He felt the tension leave Buck's body as sleep finally claimed him.
There were still many things to talk about. They had to tell Chris. Tell the team. They had to work out what this meant, what the future looked like. But all that was for tomorrow. For now, Eddie was just so happy to have Buck next to him, safe and sleeping.