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when the news broke, a scream was physically ripped out of heeseung’s chest. he sank to his knees with disbelief before throwing his phone across the room. the screen lit up with a call from jungwon and heeseung froze. jungwon cut the call before heeseung could accept it and sent one message.
“come back. now.”
heeseung picked up his phone and ran, his mind still racing as he processed what had just happened. he ignored any staff member in the building who called out to him before hailing a cab and going home. for once, his mind was empty as he stared blankly at the streets outside. all he could think to do was tell his members that he didn't ask for this to happen.
he was in front of jungwon’s door within minutes. jungwon’s lips were pursed like he was unsure of how to even ask questions and his eyes were wide with hurt and anger, but then, something worse happened. jungwon’s expression went blank when he took heeseung in and his lips began to tremble.
“I just showed them demos,” heeseung gasped out through his own tears as jungwon pulled him inside. “they took it as- I don’t want to- I don’t-”
“hyung,” jungwon murmured before pulling him into an embrace.
jake and sunoo had been huddled together on the couch. sunoo’s eyes were rimmed with red and jake’s fists were clenched, but they wordlessly joined the embrace.
“I’m sorry,” heeseung said, already knowing that nothing he could say could possibly atone for what he’d done.
jake squeezed his shoulder and sunoo leaned on his back. “it’s not your fault,” sunoo said, somehow able to be firm despite the wobble in his voice. before heeseung could say anything, the door flew open and riki and jay were in the apartment sounding angry and looking murderous.
“where is he, I need to smack some sense into- heeseung hyung, you can’t just drop this like- oh,” jay’s eyes suddenly widened upon seeing the four of them huddled together. jay quickly shrugged off his jacket, and all of his anger seemed to evaporate on the spot. “oh, hyung.”
heeseung stared at the ground and shook his head, silently telling jay that he didn’t need to be understanding. jay still hugged him tightly, rubbing heeseung’s back while beginning to cry himself. riki was sniffling next to them and the muffled sound made heeseung sob harder.
“I saw your weverse notification and I was so stunned- hyung- who wrote that?”
jay’s question was met with more sobs, but heeseung cleared his throat because he owed his team answers for the situation they were now in. “I don’t know,” heeseung managed to say. “all I did was show the execs demos. they said they’d get back to me about scheduling, but then-”
“oh, hyung,” someone’s hands were on his back and another person was patting his elbow, but heeseung still shook in jay’s arms as the betrayal, shock, and guilt continued to crash over him.
“where’s sunghoon?” jake asked. his voice was thin, but silence still stretched out. “hyung, you should go console each other.”
“I haven’t seen him since the notification,” riki whispered. “we knocked on his door before coming down but he didn’t answer- maybe he’s out-”
fuck.
the mention of his boyfriend of five years made reality set in. he'd told sunghoon that morning that he was feeling optimistic about the solo material. sunghoon had smiled and kissed his cheek before wishing him good luck with the meetings. now, the man he'd promised to brave the industry with was thinking that heeseung had found his freedom, but it was never supposed to happen like this.
heeseung tore out of the apartment and ran up the stairs without listening to another word. he flew through the door once it unlocked with his key and tossed his shoes away from him before running down the hallway and frantically knocking on sunghoon’s door.
“hoon-ah, please open the door.”
***
when the notification went out, sunghoon’s breath left him in a sharp gasp. the tears he’d been suppressing behind quiet smiles and soft sighs bubbled up and spilled over immediately. he sank onto his bed, forgetting the dumbbell by the desk or the music he’d been about to play, and curled into a ball.
“‘my own greed’,” sunghoon whispered before sobbing silently.
his shock and sadness turned into anger within minutes and he buried his head in his pillow.
his fists curled into balls and he let out a strangled scream before punching the pillow once. controlled, focused, and hard enough to hurt.
heeseung had been next to him in his bed that morning, caressing his waist and asking about his trip with jake. heeseung had smiled, a pleasant change after weeks of dazed eyes and flinching at sudden noises, before promising to be back in the afternoon so they could watch a movie. sunghoon was livid as the memory came back to him, but his anger was aimed towards himself. he’d known that heeseung had solo material ready to go and he’d known heeseung had fought to be more involved in their musical direction. how could he have missed the dissatisfaction that made heeseung leave two years ahead of schedule?
he heard jay and riki knock on his door but he stayed still and silent, ignoring their calls and pleas. he began to sob louder when the front door closed behind them.
he didn’t have a plan for what to do that day other than wallow in his anger and misery and shame, but the plea and frantic knocking on his door made him sit up reluctantly.
“hoon-ah, please open the door.”
his boyfriend sounded too distraught for someone who was supposedly pursuing his own vision to spare his former group. sunghoon’s heart could never stomach hearing heeseung’s voice sound so destroyed, so he wordlessly opened the door and sat back down on his bed.
“I just showed them demos, hoon, I didn’t want to leave- I don’t want to leave- I didn’t write anything, you have to believe me- please.”
sunghoon’s stomach sank and he finally looked up at heeseung, letting the other man take in his puffy, red eyes. heeseung’s lips fell apart and sunghoon’s eyes watered at how destroyed he looked. then, heeseung sank to his knees slowly until he was kneeling in front of sunghoon, silently begging for forgiveness. sunghoon was on his feet in seconds, trying to coax him off the floor with pleas but heeseung refused him, stubbornly staying where he was while crying into his hands.
“I’m sorry.”
sunghoon joined him on the floor instead. he held heeseung’s face in between his hands, forcing him to look sunghoon in the eye. “you have nothing to apologize for.”
“I should’ve just kept it all to myself-”
“no,” sunghoon said firmly while gently wiping heeseung’s eyes.
“hoon-ah, I’m-”
“no,” sunghoon cut him off, not wanting to hear another apology for something that wasn’t his fault. “it’s okay. we’ll survive this. we will.” sunghoon took a deep breath and it felt like his lungs were shattering with the effort but he pushed forward, trying to calm himself down with objectivity. “we’ll make the most of it. you’ll make good music- music that you’ll actually have- have control over. we’ll finish our contracts. we’ll leave this awful company and sign under better agencies and collaborate. maybe we’ll even buy our group’s rights and you can come back if you still want to. I’ll- I’ll spend all of my breaks with you. we’ll still visit my parents in the summer. we’ll go to your place for christmas. it’ll be fine.”
“I don’t want it to be fine!” heeseung spat, suddenly upright while grabbing sunghoon’s shoulders, making sunghoon see the desperation in his eyes. “none of this is fine! they took me out to destroy us. I want to be here with you and the boys, I don’t want to leave but they’re making me and now our fans are going to be divided forever! sunghoon, why are you being okay with this?”
“because the only thing that hurts me more than you leaving is seeing you cry over it!” sunghoon said sharply. “this wasn’t your choice. all I can do right now is hold you and make sure you can move forward and have a good career that’s fulfilling-”
“it won’t be fulfilling like this,” heeseung said. his eyes were bloodshot as he forced himself to speak. “we were supposed to negotiate our terms and try to buy our rights- or just leave! none of this was what we wanted.”
“I know,” sunghoon whispered before leaning in. heeseung closed his eyes as sunghoon’s forehead met his and what was left of sunghoon's broken heart seemed to shatter as he felt heeseung shake in his embrace.
“I know this isn’t on your terms,” sunghoon whispered gently. his hands crept down to hold heeseung’s waist and heeseung’s hands instinctively squeezed his shoulders. “I knew from the moment you found me today. honey,” sunghoon sniffed before continuing to speak, “you’re still here in my arms. you’re my boyfriend. you’re the man who believed in us before we could ever dream of being where we are now.”
heeseung let out a weak sob at those words but sunghoon continued to speak softly.
“I love you with every fiber of my being. that’s not going away and neither am I. no matter how many contracts and agencies stand in our way. we will survive this.”
heeseung finally nodded and his anger seemed to melt away, leaving sunghoon staring at a heartbroken and betrayed man who simply dared to share his art on his own terms. heeseung collapsed forward and sunghoon caught him, lifting him into an embrace while ignoring the carpet’s texture against his knees or the wet spot growing on his shoulder.
***
heeseung was freshly showered and in his bed an hour later. he was still crying silently and sunghoon refused to let go of him as he angrily mulled over the last few days. heeseung had been happy, saying the company liked his style and that things were looking up. they were supposed to be rallying around heeseung’s first steps into his own musical identity, but now corporate greed was pitting them against each other.
“hoon-ah,” heeseung whispered, startling sunghoon into looking at him. “I never once thought of leaving. not like this.”
sunghoon nodded and squeezed him tighter.
“baby,” heeseung implored him gently, straightening up in his arms to give him an understanding look. “it’s okay if you were angry when you saw it. jay looked murderous upstairs. riki and jungwon were fuming until they saw my face.”
“I… was angry,” sunghoon conceded softly before shaking his head. “I was mad at you for not outright telling me. I felt blindsided. but I was angry at myself mostly. I thought I’d missed some sign, hee. I thought I’d glossed over your dissatisfaction with how things were and I was cursing myself for not speaking up and asking you sooner. I know you like the back of my palm and I felt angry that I couldn’t have predicted that this was what would happen. but now, I’m angry at the company for putting you through this shit. i’m not angry at you.”
heeseung nodded and sniffed before snuggling into him. “I would’ve told you if I wanted to leave like this. you didn’t miss any sign.”
sunghoon nodded and squeezed his waist before wiping his eyes.
“I’m going to miss doing this with you.”
“we still have some time,” sunghoon murmured before coaxing him closer. “sleep, baby. I’ll wake you up in a bit so that you can spend some time with everyone.”
heeseung woke up in a couple of hours and he and sunghoon joined the group in the living room. everyone’s eyes were puffy as they exchanged tight embraces and they wordlessly piled onto the couch and covered heeseung with every fluffy object in the vicinity.
“our fans are rioting,” jake said, face lifted in a hopeful smile. heeseung just sniffled and blinked away a couple of tears.
“they’re angels. I’m-”
“no,” sunoo said forcefully before taking his hand. “the company should be apologizing. we know that you’d never leave like this.”
“yuki hyung will have some guidance,” jungwon murmured softly from his perch on the ottoman. “let’s just be grateful that we’re all together right now, okay?”
sunghoon leaned on heeseung’s shoulder and took his other hand. heeseung pulled him close and kissed his hair in a rare display that sunghoon would’ve shied away from on any other afternoon, but this time, sunghoon just wrapped his arms around heeseung’s waist.
heeseung watched them pack and get ready for fan calls the next day. they’d all stood and hugged him, promising to call him and making sure he knew that they were working to bring him back. sunghoon’s gaze was steely as he watched the other members hug heeseung, silently cursing every executive who'd had a hand in the announcement and the fallout. finally, when heeseung turned to him with teary eyes, sunghoon’s expression softened and he wordlessly wrapped heeseung up in his arms.
“we’ll be back this weekend,” sunghoon said in his ear. “I’m making yuki hire a lawyer. my eomma’s been doing her research- your brother’s also looking- you’ll come back to us. I promise.”
heeseung nodded before leaning in slightly. “I love you,” heeseung said gently. the other five men immediately busied themselves with looking away as sunghoon’s face softened further in an expression meant only for heeseung.
“I love you,” sunghoon responded without hesitation. “may I?”
heeseung nodded immediately and sunghoon leaned in, gently pressing a kiss to heeseung’s lips while pulling him close by the shoulder. heeseung’s hands found his waist in a manner that was natural after five years of being together, and he pulled sunghoon’s body towards his before kissing him deeply.
a knock on the door made them pull apart reluctantly and sunghoon squeezed his shoulder with a nod. heeseung retreated into the hallway. his bedroom door slammed shut seconds later and sunghoon’s reassuring smile fell off of his face.
“hoon,” jay began gently, already at his elbow, but sunghoon shook his head. he stalked to his bathroom, determined to compose himself and mask his distress because they were all so distraught already, but he didn’t make it in. his legs gave out and he fell to the ground, silently shaking as tears streamed down his face. jay and jake were by his side instantly, hugging his sides while riki hugged his back and sunoo and jungwon huddled close and hugged his front. sunghoon let them try to piece him back together in vain, knowing that they’d just lost something just as great.
***
the six of them returned home to an empty dorm. heeseung had gone to his parents’ house to avoid any staff who might have lingered to convince him to move out. sunghoon buried his heartache under a mask of practiced smiles and focused on making their fans try to laugh through their visible sadness. he kept an eye on jungwon, who visibly shook when he thought no one was looking, and he texted heeseung constantly, telling him to take care of himself. the media was in a frenzy and every step outside of their dorm felt like navigating a minefield. when they left for australia without him, riki wore heeseung's jacket and jay's outfit screamed heeseung's style. everyone wore a mask to hide their face. sunoo even stood apart from them to keep a space for heeseung. when they were in the line for checking their passports, sunghoon heard from staff that heeseung was back in seoul, arguing with the higher-ups, and they were actually listening. jake finally smiled and held his elbow, squeezing it with relief, before turning to the others and sharing the news. sunghoon stayed silent and prayed to anyone listening that heeseung would come home to them soon.
sunghoon was a cynic at heart, but somehow, the world defied him. after their fans clamored and rioted on their behalf, staging protests and piecing together the narrative without respite, heeseung was reinstated as a member and the executives reluctantly approved a solo album project’s release. two weeks of hell officially ended when they arrived home to heeseung making them ramen in a pink apron and newly dyed brown hair.
“hyung!” jungwon let out an uncharacteristic screech before launching himself at heeseung and crying into his shoulder, and the sight of their stoic leader looking so happy and their beloved hyung crying with relief made everyone else in the room blink away tears too. sunghoon waited his turn with a soft smile. he watched jay punch heeseung’s arm before grinning, jake squeeze his shoulder and sniffle, sunoo cling to his back, and riki try to lift heeseung up in a hug with a warm heart.
“come here, hyung,” riki said with a scoff. he latched onto his wrist and tugged sunghoon closer. “I know you’re dying to kiss heeseung hyung senseless.”
“I’d rather keep my affection for our dear hyung to my room,” sunghoon said with a smirk that made them groan jokingly. heeseung just chuckled and pulled him into an embrace and sunghoon melted into the touch with a sigh of relief. his reserved nature took a backseat as he allowed himself to believe that heeseung was back permanently and he gently kissed the corner of his boyfriend’s mouth.
“I love you,” heeseung said without hesitating.
“I love you,” sunghoon responded before smiling a genuine smile.
heeseung grinned at him before speaking. “look away, children.”
riki gagged jokingly as jungwon and jake cooed. sunoo had his camera out and jay just sighed while concealing a pleased smile. sunghoon’s eyes stayed on heeseung’s before he leaned in to kiss him properly.
heeseung was back in his bed that night. sunghoon had helped him unpack all day, feeling animated by heeseung being allowed to return to the band while pushing out a solo album. heeseung had smiled all day and pulled him into soft kisses several times. sunghoon kissed him softly once heeseung’s clothes were in drawers. heeseung backed him into a corner after setting up his toiletries. they made out on heeseung’s gaming chair after setting all of his keyboards on the desk. then, they had dinner with the entire group and exchanged incredulous laughs and shed several tears as they processed the last month’s craziness.
sunghoon climbed into his bed and settled himself on heeseung’s legs like he’d done thousands of times before. heeseung pulled him close by the waist and smiled at him, closing his eyes when sunghoon leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek. sunghoon didn’t want to stop being affectionate, not when they’d come so close to being separated from heeseung permanently. his lips began to trace heeseung’s jawline and neck and heeseung’s hands tightened around him slightly.
“I’m so glad you’re back,” sunghoon whispered as he leaned away a minute later. heeseung’s eyes widened and they began to water.
“me too,” heeseung whispered back. he reached for sunghoon’s hand and gently kissed his knuckles. his lips were soft and warm against sunghoon’s skin and sunghoon swallowed harshly as a shiver ran down his spine. “thank you for not giving up on me.”
“thank you for fighting to come back,” sunghoon responded with a soft smile. “the members, engenes, and I are holding on to you for as long as you want us to.”
heeseung’s smile grew and a tear slipped down his cheek. “I want you to hold onto me forever.”
sunghoon blinked away a tear and smacked his shoulder lightly before nodding. “fuck, your album is going to be incredible if it has lines like that,” sunghoon whispered. heeseung let out a gentle laugh before pulling him into a soft kiss. sunghoon leaned into it, but suddenly, heeseung leaned them backwards and turned them over, leaving sunghoon underneath him and cushioned in his embrace.
“I love you,” heeseung murmured against his mouth.
“I love you,” sunghoon murmured back with a watery grin. "and I will be holding onto you forever."