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The ten hour drive to get back to L.A was mostly quiet. Both Eddie and Buck were constantly checking over their shoulders, flinching whenever a car passed them.
By the fifth time Carry On My Wayward Son had played, it was wearing a little thin. That wasn't even mentioning how it reminded them both painfully of the beginning of their road trip and the disaster that followed afterwards.
But it was over now. They were safe.
Eddie was itching to ask Buck what had happened, what Bonnie and her awful ex-husband had done to him but he knew that wouldn't help Buck right now. If he asked, it would only be to soothe himself and even then it would only soothe him if Buck lied point blank to his face and told him none of it had ever happened in the first place.
Eddie wanted to reach out, to touch Buck and make sure he was really there. He wanted to cry his eyes out in relief and all the built up fear and he wanted to turn around and drive back and kill the bastards that had done this to Buck.
Buck was still wincing whenever he adjusted himself. Eddie was too, with every turn of the wheel feeling like his arm was going to fall off and his knuckles were going to split.
He chanced a glance over at Buck, who was staring dead ahead.
His face was marred with cuts and bruises and dried blood. He had this bone deep exhaustion in his eyes that were usually so alight with life. His arms, covered in scratches and wounds, were folded in his lap, almost like he was hugging himself. The only reason Eddie wasn't hugging him right now and never letting go was that he didn't want to cause Buck any more physical discomfort.
Well, that and he wasn't sure it would be welcome.
After all, he'd let Buck get taken. He'd got off fine compared to what Buck had to go through and Eddie didn't even know most of what Buck had gone through. He'd recognised the electrocution burns on Buck's chest when he helped Buck take off his shirt to change it and that was more than enough backstory to get his blood boiling.
And still, despite all of it, Buck was there. He was alive. He was safe. As long as he was with Eddie, he would always be safe from now on. Eddie would die before he let something happen to Buck.
Eddie was the one to drive the full ten hours. They didn't take any breaks. Breaking the journey would mean breaking the silence, which would mean breaking the fragile air around them. That couldn't happen. Neither of them were ready.
They pulled up eventually on Eddie's driveway.
Chris was with Hen and Karen so they didn't have to worry about frightening him or waking him up and Maddie had agreed to hold off seeing Buck until the next day, after he'd had a video call with her.
"Why are we here?" Buck asked, his tone and expression indiscernible. It was almost as though he was in some sort of trance. "I thought you were taking me home."
"That's why we're here," Eddie said, getting out of the car and rounding the vehicle so that he could open Buck's door. He thought of offering a hand to help Buck out of the car but, seeing the injuries on Buck's hands and arms, thought better of it.
Buck got out, pulling a face of pure pain as he did. Instinctively, Eddie's hands flew to hover at Buck's sides. He remembered a second to late and dropped them.
Eddie handed Buck the keys and made him go first, just so Eddie wouldn't have to take his eyes off him. Buck unlocked the door and walked in slowly. Eddie was the one to shut the door behind them.
For a moment, Buck just stood there, staring off into space. His eyes were glazed over and he was shaking slightly, barely noticeable but glaringly obvious to Eddie. Then he jolted, biting his lip and walking over to the couch.
"What are you doing?"
Buck stopped, turning around, looking dazed and very confused. "I'm… I'm going to bed. I'm tired."
Eddie gaped at him. "On the couch?"
Buck nodded slowly, eyebrows knitting together. "Yeah. I always sleep on the couch."
Eddie scoffed, shaking his head. "Buck, if you think you're sleeping anywhere but my bed for the next week — at least — then you're out of your mind."
"Oh," Buck said in a small voice. They stared at each other for a few seconds, at a stand still. Eddie was the one to move eventually, gesturing with his arm to the bedroom.
Buck took a moment to move but he did, taking hesitant steps all the way to Eddie's bedroom. Eddie shut the door behind them and watched as Buck tentatively approached the bed.
"Do you need help lying down?" Eddie asked.
Buck shook his head. "No. I'm… I'm fine."
Forgive Eddie for disbelieving him but the man looked like he was about to collapse at any second. Buck sat down on the bed, pulling the sheets away and getting under them. He kept his back against the headrest.
Eddie carefully got into bed beside him, deliberately staying to the opposite side. He wanted to ask if Buck was alright but realised quickly that that was a silly question. No one who came out of this situation was alright, least of all Buck.
Buck was looking straight ahead, eyes still glassy.
"Do you want the light off?" Eddie asked.
"No," Buck answered hastily. "No."
"Do you need anything?"
Buck didn't answer.
Eddie didn't want to press but he couldn't help himself. "Talk to me. Please?"
"I don't need anything," Buck said. His voice was quiet and he somehow looked all too small for a six foot, muscly man. He looked scared.
"Hey," Eddie said, aiming for gentle and landing on terrified and low. "Where are you right now?"
Buck hesitated. "With you."
"No. I mean where's your mind right now?"
Buck sucked in a deep breath, letting it come out of him in a shudder. Eddie waited and watched. His whole body was aching with the need to reach out.
"I'm with her," Buck said, his voice barely coming out as a whisper. "I'm with her and she's hurting me and she's telling me she's going to have to hurt you."
Eddie stayed silent, letting Buck blink and watching the tear roll down his cheek.
"And I'm begging," Buck said, "I am begging her not to hurt you because Christopher needs you. He needs you and she has to take me instead. I need to be enough this time. For Chris's sake."
Eddie exhales shakily. "Buck…"
Buck was trembling, fixated on something Eddie couldn't even see.
"Evan," Eddie said.
Buck blinked, another tear falling.
"He needs us," Eddie continued. "Not me. He needs us. And I need you. And you knew that. You fought like hell and you found me. That's what families do. They fight for each other. You're my family and you're Chris's family too. You're our everything."
Buck's voice cracks. "Then why… Why won't you touch me? I think I might be broken and you haven't even touched me since you found me, you haven't hugged me or done anything."
Eddie's heart shatters. "I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm scared I'll hurt you. I'm so scared."
"I'm scared," Buck said, his eyes finally flitting to Eddie's, holding their gaze. "I'm scared, Eddie."
That was all it took. Eddie shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around Buck's waist, careful not to jostle him too much. Buck inhaled sharply and Eddie worried that he'd made a mistake but then Buck's head lowered onto Eddie's shoulder and Buck broke quietly in Eddie's arms, body wracked with sobs.
At some point in their conversation, Eddie had started crying too. He held Buck, resting his head on Buck's, and let himself cry properly, let himself feel everything he'd been too scared to feel for fear that it was real and for fear that it wasn't.
They fell asleep like that, holding each other tightly.
—
Eddie woke up first. He checked his watch and it was before dawn. He had a crick in his neck and his back hurt but he wouldn't have changed a thing. During the night, Buck had shifted so that his head was now on Eddie's chest, rising and falling with the rhythm of Eddie's breathing. Eddie's arms were still loosely flung around Buck's waist. Eddie tightened his grip and focused on controlling his breathing, keeping himself calm.
After a few minutes, Buck woke up too.
"Eddie?" he murmured.
"Yeah, bud. I'm right here."
Buck didn't move and Eddie didn't either.
"You're okay, right?" Buck mumbled.
"Yeah," Eddie said. "I'm fine. You saved me."
Buck shook his head. "I was the one who you went into danger for in the first place."
Eddie huffed. "Well, actually, they were going to arrest me even if I didn't."
"Fucking idiots," Buck muttered. "You'd never hurt me."
"No," Eddie agreed. "I wouldn't. I don't think I could if I tried. I love you too much."
The words slipped out without him really thinking about it. Buck didn't freeze, didn't tear himself away. Instead, he melted further into Eddie.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"I couldn't let them hurt you because of Christopher," Buck said. "But I also couldn't let them hurt you because you're you. I love you too much."
Eddie smiled a little sadly. "I don't think you could ever love me too much for me to handle, Buck."
And, in the quietness of the room, from the ashes of death, the sun began to rise.