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“Shh shh shh, little one, you’re alright now.”
Aziraphale poked his little head up over the lip of his basket to see what Maggie was fussing over this time. She carried a ratty old blanket in her hands, and seemed to be cooing to it. To Aziraphale’s surprise, the blanket let out a displeased little mewl.
“What have you got now?” Nina sighed, coming up beside her.
“The poor little thing was in the wheelie bin. God knows how long he was stuck in there. He’s all wet and cold. Look at him shivering.”
“Well you can’t have him in here. Who knows what diseases he may have, and you wanted that fancy Persian kitten with no immune system to speak of. Not to mention I’m sure he has fleas. And he stinks.”
Aziraphale sniffed the air and confirmed that the kitten did indeed stink. He smelled like sour milk, and rotten beans, and whatever else made up the juice in the bottoms of the bins that Aziraphale himself had once almost made it into — in search of more snacks after he had been starved for a full five hours — before Nina had caught him.
Maggie gave Nina the pleading eyes that almost always got her what she wanted. “Oh, just overnight, Nina. I’ll take him to the vet in the morning.”
Sighing again, Nina reached down and stroked her fingers over the kitten that Aziraphale still couldn’t see. “I suppose it’s too cold for him to stay outside. You have to give him a bath first, I think we still have some of that flea shampoo left over from the one you brought home a few years ago, and then he has to stay in the bathroom overnight. I’m serious about him getting Aziraphale sick.”
“Oh, I know!” Maggie agreed, smiling. “Thank you, love.”
Aziraphale leapt out of his bed and trotted after Maggie as she started carrying the new kitten down the hall. Unfortunately, he was stopped by Nina, who scooped him up in one hand — the hand that hadn’t touched the other kitten — and carried him across the hall to their bedroom, where she set him down and shut the door behind him.
“Unfair!” he yowled at the closed door, but Nina didn’t come back. Drat.
Aziraphale laid down on the floor and peered under the crack in the door. He could just see the door to the bathroom, where Maggie and Nina were both doing awful things to the new kitten, if his noises of fury were anything to go by. They were giving him a bath, Aziraphale thought. He’d had a bath once, when he’d managed to get into a box of chocolate cake mix that Nina had rudely said he wasn’t allowed to lick off of himself.
After a while of torture, the bathroom door opened and Maggie slipped out. “I’ll just get him some blankets so he’s not on the cold tile all night.”
“Careful,” Nina replied. “I put Aziraphale in the bedroom.”
Aziraphale crouched by the side of the door when the knob turned, ready to launch himself through as soon as it opened. Unfortunately, he ran headfirst into the side of Maggie’s shoe, placed unhelpfully right where Aziraphale had been aiming himself. He bounced back with a little “mrow” of displeasure.
“Let me out!” Aziraphale begged. He tried to climb over Maggie’s foot, but she carefully pushed him backwards enough for her to come in and close the door behind herself.
Maggie knelt and scratched him on the top of his head. “Someone’s a bit jealous, aren’t they? Not to worry, he’ll be gone before too long. The house will be all yours again.”
Maggie didn’t let Aziraphale escape when she left either, even when he wailed at her and scratched his nails on the door, which he usually got in trouble for.
“Here you are, little one. Nice soft blanket for you.”
Aziraphale watched under the door as Maggie and Nina both left the bathroom. He caught a flash of dark fur just before the door closed, trapping the other kitten in his own prison. He watched as four black paws, roughly the size of his own white ones, padded back and forth under the opposite door. They occasionally disappeared from view, with those times often paired with the clattering of things falling to the floor, or the scratch of nails on the shower curtain and towels.
“There’s going to be a big mess to clean up in there tomorrow,” Nina sighed as she and Maggie returned to the bedroom, where they once again conspired to keep Aziraphale locked up and away from his potential new friend.
“I put away the good towels, and everything else of any value. And Aziraphale’s already done a number on that door from the outside. He hates it when I take showers without him, silly thing.”
Aziraphale continued watching from under his own door long after Maggie and Nina had gone to sleep. The black kitten continued to pace, now seeming to focus all of his efforts at escape on the door, which he leapt up at repeatedly.
After some time, Aziraphale’s little ears pricked up at the familiar sound of a door knob rattling. That couldn’t be right, only Maggie and Nina were able to open the doors, and they were both asleep.
The kitten jumped again. The door knob rattled again, louder this time. As Aziraphale watched, wide eyed, the door to the bathroom swung open with a quiet creak. Four black paws landed nearly soundlessly on the tile floor behind it. A moment later, a pair of piercing yellow eyes peeked through the open crack.
“Hey,” Aziraphale whispered, but the black kitten was already gone, dashing down the hallway towards the office, which Aziraphale knew was closed at all times. Except for when it was left open and he got in trouble for leaping up on Maggie’s desk to steal the caramel candies she kept in a little bowl.
To Aziraphale’s surprise, after a few rounds of claws scraping against wood — he imagined the kitten was jumping at that door like he had the last one — he heard the knob turn and the door swing open. A few moments later, he heard papers scattering, books thudding, and something that sounded suspiciously like Maggie‘s caramels scattering across both her desk and the floor. Then the kitten was coming back.
“Hey!” Aziraphale hissed louder this time as the kitten ran past.
The kitten slid to a stop, sharp claws digging into the runner as his head whipped around.
“Over here. Under the door.”
Yellow eyes fixed at last on Aziraphale’s pale blue ones. His sleek fur puffed up in alarm as he realised he was in another cat’s presence. “Hello?” he greeted warily.
“I’m Aziraphale! Are you alright? It sounded like they were doing awful things to you.”
The black cat pinned his ears back. “They were torturing me. They tried to drown me by shoving my whole body underwater, then they tried some sort of chemical warfare. Thankfully, I seemed to be immune, though I still can’t hardly smell anything over it. They retreated for the time being, thankfully. Are you a prisoner of theirs too?”
“Oh, well, not exactly. And really they’re not bad people. They don’t always have the brightest ideas, but they’re quite good to me overall. Normally I have the whole run of the house; I think they only put me in here so that I wouldn’t be able to get to you.”
“Hmph,” scoffed the black cat. “We’ll see about that.”
With a running leap, the kitten launched himself up towards Aziraphale’s door. The door handle turned with a small squeak, then the hinges creaked. Aziraphale scurried back out of the way as the door swung open just enough that the latch didn’t catch. The black cat dropped to the ground and butted it with his head, making it open wide enough for him and Aziraphale to look at each other fully.
“My name’s Crowley.”
“Hello, Crowley,” Aziraphale said, not quite sure what to do now that he was face to face with the feral street cat. Part of him realised he should probably be at least a little bit worried, but Crowley seemed friendly enough.
“Do you know the way out of here?” Crowley asked.
“Oh I’m not supposed to go outside,” Aziraphale said.
Crowley tipped his head curiously. “Never? How do you get food?“
“There’s plenty of food in here. Maggie and Nina feed me several times a day, though not nearly enough. I had gotten good at sneaking into the food bin, but they caught me a few weeks ago and got a new one with a latch. And sometimes I can steal treats, but they’ve gotten better about putting those away too. Although…”
Crowley leapt back as Aziraphale rushed past him, swerving into Maggie’s office. Yes! The little caramels were all over the floor! There must be dozens of them! He clawed at the plastic wrap on the nearest one until it opened enough for him to start pulling out chunks of sugary goodness.
“That’s… food?” Crowley asked, peering in from the doorway. He batted at one that had slid up against the doorframe, then bent down to sniff it.
“They’re very good! Though they make my tummy hurt if I have very much.”
Crowley pulled his paw back with a grimace. “I think I’ll pass. The way out, Aziraphale?”
“Oh? Must you really be going? At least eat something before you do.”
“I’d really rather not…”
“There’s good food too. Let me show you.”
Aziraphale abandoned his half eaten caramel and trotted past Crowley, fluffy white tail curled high over his back. The other kitten followed him into the kitchen, where Aziraphale pried open a cupboard door and pointed to a plastic bin with a lid on it. “There’s good food in here.”
Crowley put his front paws up on the side of the bin and lifted his head to sniff at the edge of the lid, apparently not trusting Aziraphale’s judgment when it came to ‘good food’.
“That does smell good,“ he admitted reluctantly.
“Can you get it open? Only the humans are supposed to be able to open it, but they’re also the only ones who are supposed to open the doors, and you figured those out.”
“Maybe?”
Crowley’s long, slender body stretched out as he scratched around the edge of the lid with his claws. Near the front, a piece of plastic made a popping sound when he tugged on it just right. Shrieking, Crowley leapt away, claws scrabbling over the kitchen tile. Aziraphale shot away too, though not nearly as quickly, and the two of them ended up pressed against each other behind a potted plant.
Crowley peeked out from behind the pot, wide eyes staring at the tub of food he still wasn’t convinced hadn’t tried to eat him. “I think it’s okay,” he finally said.
“Is it open?” Aziraphale asked, peering over Crowley’s head.
“Not sure.”
Well, there was only one way to find out. Aziraphale crept out from behind the plant. He stayed below to the ground, and skirted the edge of the kitchen until he came to the open cabinet. The bin didn’t move again, which was a good sign. Cautiously, he stood up on his hind legs and gave the lid a light push. It lifted up.
“It is!”
He looked back at Crowley, who was still just a pair of yellow eyes peering out from the shadows behind the potted plant. The black kitten was hesitant, but slowly, he crept forward, following Aziraphale’s path to circumvent the wide open space in the middle of the kitchen.
“You’re sure it’s not going to eat us?”
“Pretty sure,” Aziraphale said, though the thought did worry him now that Crowley had mentioned it. He pushed the lid up enough to slide his paw through and scooped out a pawful of kibble, scattering it across the tile.
Crowley lowered his head to sniff at one of the hard round chunks that now lay all over the kitchen floor. “This is food?”
“Yes.” Aziraphale picked up a piece and crunched it happily to prove his point.
Crowley sniffed his again, then, cautiously, he took it between his teeth. His face scrunched up at the initial crunch, then softened with a curious tilt as he considered. “It’s not bad, I guess.”
Aziraphale scattered more kibble across the floor, until the food in the bin was too low for him to reach with his paw. Both of them scarfed up as much as they could eat, which still left quite a mess. That was okay, Aziraphale could always eat it later.
“Are you sure you can’t stay? I like having you around, you’re quite clever. The humans are always coming up with new ways to keep me out of my food. Who knows what contraption they’ll resort to next.”
Crowley curled his whip thin tail up over his back. “They’ll torture me again as soon as they wake up, I know it.“
“Well then, I suppose I should show you the way out.” He led Crowley to the door that opened into the back garden. “Will you visit, at least? My humans are gone most days. They have something else more important than me called ‘work’. I still don’t know what that is. But when they’re gone, the big car things in front of the house are gone. That’s how you’ll know it’s safe.”
“I might,” Crowley said noncommittally.
Aziraphale sat, wrapping his fluffy tail around his paws, and watched with interest as Crowley sized up the door.
After a moment, the black kitten crouched down and then leapt upwards. His little claws scraped over the metal of the door handle, and his slight weight slowly turned it down. He hung there for a long few seconds, back paws kicking and scrabbling at the door to no avail. Finally, he huffed and dropped neatly back to the floor.
He tried again, with no more success than his first attempt, then he turned to Aziraphale with his yellow eyes narrowed. “You’re sure this is the door?”
“Yes, it’s the way you came in.”
“Well it doesn’t work like a door,” Crowley said, his black tail flicking in annoyance.
Aziraphale puffed out his chest. “How would you know? Have you ever opened a door before today?”
“What the fuck?”
Both kittens jumped at Nina‘s shout. Crowley shot towards the nearest available hiding place: a few inches of shadowy space underneath a heavy bookshelf. Aziraphale tried to follow him, but he wasn’t as quick on his feet as the lanky street kitten. Nina grabbed him, and held him tight despite his wailing.
“Oh, you’re all right. You are right, aren’t you?” She turned him all sorts of ways, carding her fingers through his fur and shushing his complaints.
“What’s going… oh, good lord.”
“Here, take him,” Nina said, thrusting Aziraphale into Maggie’s arms. “The other one went under the bookshelves.”
“No! Put me down!“
Aziraphale was almost desperate enough to use his claws as Maggie carried him back to the bedroom and locked him inside again.
“Don’t hurt him! He hasn’t done anything to deserve this!”
To Aziraphale’s dismay, he was made to listen as Maggie and Nina chased Crowley around the house until they finally caught him in Aziraphale carrier, which they placed back in the bathroom across the hall. All Aziraphale could see was a blur of black fur inside the plastic prison as they set him down and closed the door.
“Jesus Christ,” Nina swore.
“It’s not his fault. The poor thing has probably never been in a house before.”
“I know.” Nina sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. “Morning can’t come soon enough.”
Morning came with Aziraphale feeling woozy, and more than a bit sick to his stomach. He scratched at the door, desperate to get to the best rug before he couldn’t hold it in any longer, but Maggie stayed asleep and Nina only rolled over with a tired groan. Out of options, Aziraphale scrambled his way up onto the bed, tripped over the hump of Maggie’s body to land between the two of them, and started heaving.
“No no no no no!” Nina gasped, suddenly wide awake. But she was too late.
Aziraphale took a few steps back and sat down while his two humans continued to groan. If they hadn’t wanted him to be sick on the bed, they should have let him out to the rug.
“You don’t think that black kitten has gotten him sick, do you?” Maggie asked, scooping Aziraphale up and looking him over.
Nina rubbed at her face and frowned again. “More likely he just made himself sick eating his own weight in taffy and kibble, but if we’re bringing that other to the vet, we may as well take him too. They can give him more of those nausea meds, at least.”
Nina wrapped Aziraphale up in a hand towel, and then Aziraphale found himself seated on her lap in the car, with the carrier containing Crowley wedged between her feet where it wouldn’t roll. A pair of wide, yellow eyes peered up at Aziraphale through the holes.
“Where are we going?” Crowley whispered.
“To the vet, I think. I got sick again. Too much caramel.”
Crowley’s eyes widened. “I’ve heard of a vet. They do bad things.”
“Oh, not really,” Aziraphale promised. “I mean, sometimes they poke you and it hurts for a second, but then they give you lots of treats so it’s worth it.”
Crowley didn’t look convinced, but there was no escape for the little black kitten.
Aziraphale was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but he mostly forgot about Crowley the moment they walked into the office, where he immediately got scritches from three of the nice women behind the desk and he even got a treat. His little tummy was still swirling, but it would be rude to reject the offer, so he ate it anyway, then immediately threw it back up, much to the dismay of all the humans gathered around.
Then they were in the chemical smelling room where Maggie set him on the table, and he was reminded about Crowley’s existence by the carrier with the other kitten inside being set next to him.
“Hello, Aziraphale,” Doctor greeting, giving him a long stroke down his back. “And who’s your little friend?”
“He doesn’t have a name…” Nina started.
“Crowley,” Maggie said. “Because he’s a little magician. He got into quite a bit of trouble last night.”
“Which is exactly why we’re not keeping him. We’ll get all of his shots and whatever else he needs done, then we’ll find him a good home.”
Maggie pouted, but Nina remained resolute for the moment, at least.
“Oh, careful,” she cautioned when Doctor started to open the carrier. “We barely got him in there.”
“It’s not a big room. And this poor little thing just looks a bit timid. I don’t think I’ve got anything to worry about. Come here, little fellow.” The doctor opened a squeezie treat and offered it just inside the open door.
Crowley stayed where he was. “If I wasn’t already stuffed, that might work,” he grumbled. “It does smell good.”
“It is good,” Aziraphale promised. “Try a little lick, at least.”
Crowley still didn’t move. Doctor moved the treat a bit closer. Crowley flattened his ears and hissed softly.
“She won’t hurt you, Crowley.”
“That’s not what you said in the car.”
“Honestly it’s not bad at all. And the treats are worth it.”
“Says you.”
Aziraphale huffed. “Well she’s not going to give up until she does it to you either way, so you may as well take the treat.”
Crowley’s ears stayed flat to his head, but when Doctor moved the treat closer still, he slowly stretched out his long neck and took a tiny lick. His yellow eyes widened and he took a step forwards, seeming to forget himself.
“There’s a good kitten,” Doctor praised as Crowley slowly let himself be coaxed out. He shied away when she reached to stroke his side, but he’d seen her do it to Aziraphale, so he eventually let her do that too.
Getting impatient, Aziraphale tried to creep in and steal some of the treat for himself, but Doctor scooped him up with a chuckle. “Sorry, little one, but I don’t think this would help your poor tummy.”
Aziraphale huffed indignantly while he was handed off to Maggie, who did her best to distract him while Doctor finished all of the strange things she always did with Crowley.
When it was done, Maggie set him back on the table beside Crowley, where he did his best to clean the bits of squeezie treat off of Crowley’s whiskers while the black kitten eyed Doctor with a mix of distrust and hope for more squeezie treat.
“You’re right, it wasn’t that bad,” he admitted while Doctor continued to say things to Maggie and Nina.
“Some medicine for Aziraphale’s tummy. If he’s still sick by tomorrow, bring him back in, but I suspect he did just gorge himself a bit too much on his adventures last night.”
Crowley eyed the bottle that Doctor set on the edge of the table with interest, with lots of colourful little balls inside. “Treats?”
“Yes! They taste like the best sausages!” Aziraphale confirmed.
“Well then.”
Crowley pulled the bottle over to himself and batted at the lid. It didn’t come free.
Maggie chuckled. “See what we said about trouble?”
Doctor laughed with her. “Yes, not to worry though, he won’t be able to get that open.”
The moment the words left her mouth, Crowley batted at the cap at a new angle, and the little treats scattered everywhere.
“Oh dear!”
Between the three humans, they managed to snatch up the two kittens and stuff them into the carrier.
Crowley made a disgusted face as he spit out the one treat he’d managed to nab. “This is what sausage tastes like?”
Aziraphale sniffed at the treat and made a face. He licked the chewed up treat just to be sure his nose wasn’t lying to him, then made the face again. “Well it doesn’t taste like that at home.”
“You may want to invest in some zip ties,” Doctor said. “Lots and lots of zip ties.”
