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All things considered, Eddie wasn’t sure how they got discharged from that hospital so soon.
Between the two of them, there was a total of one concussion, a broken arm, two lower back injuries, and a whole lot of trauma. Fun.
The old car rolled up to Buck’s house around 10:30 P.M., they both all but fell out of the car.
“Okay,” Buck said. “That’s enough driving for me for the next 10 years.”
Eddie chuckled. “Yeah, you can say that again.”
They walked up to his front door, pulling out the spare key from behind one of the bricks.
“Uh, thanks for walking me to the door and all, but I should be good now,” Buck said, starting to walk into his house.
Eddie gave him a look, as he often did. “Buck, you cannot be serious right now.”
After a returned look of confusion, Eddie continued. “Look, between everything that’s happened over the past two days, I don’t really think either of us should be alone right now. You have a guest room, right?”
Buck smiled, something he hadn’t really had the chance to do much in the last couple days. “Yeah, all yours.”
After raiding the fridge for literally anything and taking much too long showers, they were both ready to pass out as soon as possible. Eddie walked down the hallway to Buck’s room, gave the open door a quick knock.
“You all set for the night?”
“Should be. The doctor said I only need to take the pain meds every twelve hours or so, I’m good until morning.”
Eddie was hesitant to leave. “Alright, sure you don’t need anything else? I’m here for whatever.”
“Trust me, you’ve already done more than enough lately,” he joked back.
Eddie smiled, before walking back down to his room. “I’m right down the hall if you need me,” he shouted back.
Normally, Eddie was quite thorough when it came to his nighttime routine, but today he was too tired to care, passing out as soon as his head hit the pillow.
…
Over time, Eddie had become a pretty light sleeper.
Whether it was worrying that Chris would need him at some point throughout the night or just the basic need to constantly be on his feet, it had become second nature to him.
This time, Eddie had jolted awake to the sound of screaming. Taking in his surroundings, he knew where he was: he was in Buck’s spare room, since he was staying the night. That could only mean one thing.
He was on his feet before he even knew it, running down the hall to Buck’s room. Turning on the light, he could see the other man sitting up straight, hyperventilating while clinging onto a pillow for dear life.
“Buck! It’s me, you’re safe, you’re safe.”
Eddie had basically jumped across the room to reach him, arms holding up Buck’s shoulders in hopes to stop his panic.
“Eddie?” he replied, finally looking up and escaping his own mind. “What–I–”
He was stumbling over his own words, it was then Eddie pulled his head into his chest, giving Buck a deep embrace. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
He could tell Buck was crying now, as he grabbed onto Eddie’s arm, deepening the connection.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you–you should head back to sleep.”
“No, no Buck, don’t apologize,” Eddie said, beginning to rock back and forth from where they sat. “Take all the time you need, I’m here.”
Eddie didn’t know how much time had passed as they stayed like that, but for all he knew, it could have been seconds or hours. As Buck pulled away, his eyes were puffy, but tears had subsided.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie said, hesitantly.
Buck was silent for a moment, pondering his reply. “It–It was a nightmare, I think. I was back at her house, back where I was before. Before you came for me, before everything else, and I was just stuck. Stuck in that bed, helpless. It’s so hard to remember, but the last thing, he–the man walked into the room with that rifle, and shot it. Right at my head. Eddie, I know I’m okay now, and that they’ll be going away for a long time, but I just can’t shake the feeling. The feeling that they’ll, you know, come back for me.”
Eddie was sure he had tears running down his face now too. He didn’t exactly know what to say, what could he say? After thinking for another moment, he gave the best response he could. “Buck, what you went through was traumatic, for you more than anyone. It’s more than warranted for you to still be scared, hell, I know I still am.”
Buck seemed to respond well to that, laying back down from where he sat. “I’m glad you’re here, Eddie. I’m glad you stayed,” he said with a smile.
Eddie reciprocated the look. “I’m glad I stayed too.”
He turned off the light, but stayed sitting by the edge of the bed until Buck fell back asleep. Trudging back down the hall for a third time now, he fell back into his bed, knowing full well that no sleep would be coming to him for several hours.
…
Morning came harshly, as Eddie apparently didn’t even draw down the shades in the room before he fell asleep. Looking over to the bedside table, the clock read 8:36 A.M.. Not terrible, for him at least.
Buck’s door was still slightly open as he walked down the hall, and Eddie could see him still peacefully sleeping. He probably needs that sleep more than me, Eddie thought to himself as he made his way to the kitchen. The house had been vacant for a week, and so had the fridge. With the limited options available, Eddie decided on scrambled eggs, preparing two plates. It was odd, he always cooked at home for Chris, but whenever he was at Buck’s, he never did any cooking. Buck loved cooking almost as much as he loved baking, so he never really needed to. Scrambled eggs were easy, though.
Almost as if fate itself entered the room, Buck walked into the kitchen just as Eddie started plating the eggs. His eyes were still a bit puffy from the events of the night before, but he looked much better nonetheless.
“Morning,” he said, sitting down on one of the stools at his kitchen island.
“Morning,” Eddie replied, sliding the plate across the island to where Buck sat. “Made you breakfast.”
He smiled and began to eat, as Eddie made his way around the island to sit beside him.
After a few moments, Buck broke the silence. “This is weird,” he said, as Eddie turned to look at him. “I don’t think you’ve ever cooked for me.”
Eddie chuckled at that. “I was never that great at it, and you always beat me to the offer.”
“Yeah, guess I did.”
Eddie finished his food, before continuing their unfinished conversation. “So,” he started, as Buck now turned to look at him. “How did the rest of the night go?”
“Fine, I think. It was mostly, just that.”
Eddie nodded. “You know you can tell me anything, I’m not gonna call you crazy, or tell you to go see a therapist or whatever.”
“No, I know. And I’m so happy you’re here, I just–I don’t exactly know how I feel, yet. Still processing everything.”
“So you’re okay with me staying a few more days?”
Buck smiled at him. “More than okay. Really, thank you.”
Eddie smiled back.
…
The rest of the day was rather mellow, at least comparatively. Maddie and Chim came over for a few hours, and Athena stopped by with May and Harry a bit later. By the end of the day, it was just the two of them again, and Eddie had really stepped up his cooking skills. This was meal three of the day, and they still hadn’t taken a trip to the grocery store.
“Okay,” Eddie said, looking into the fridge. “How does pasta with marinara sound?”
“Eddie, that’s not marinara, that’s some Italian pizza sauce. The guy that I bought it from specifically told me not to use it on anything else.”
“Of course you have specialty Italian pizza sauce, but nothing to make a cohesive meal,” Eddie said, slamming the fridge shut. He turned around, an idea popping into his head. “You know,” he started. “We could always just order Chinese.”
Sure enough, Eddie was back 30 minutes later with their order.
“You know, we probably should go grocery shopping tomorrow,” Buck suggested, halfway through dinner.
Eddie nodded, not looking up from his plate. “Yeah, good idea. We’re gonna be out of even your fancy pizza sauces pretty soon.”
“You asshole,” Buck said through a laugh. “Maybe we can pick up some dough tomorrow, I’ll show you how good of a sauce it really is.”
“Guess you’ll have to.”
“Tell you what,” Eddie started again, Buck looking up at him. “Hen and Karen got back from their Napa trip a couple of hours ago, why don’t we invite them over for dinner tomorrow? And you can research some elaborate dessert to bake for the occasion, we can pick up the ingredients. I’ll even let you talk about whatever dorky subject for however many hours it takes to make.”
“Wait, really?” Buck replied, sounding shocked. “You’d do something like that for me?”
Eddie smiled, moving a hand to rest upon Buck’s arm. “Of course. But Buck, it isn’t exactly a hardship to listen to you talk about your passions.”
Buck laughed, shyly turning away. “Look, no hard feelings if you don’t. I can get pretty annoying about things sometimes.”
“Look, I spent over thirty hours in a car with you. If I was sick of hearing you talk, you’d know.”
“Tomorrow I was gonna start asking if I could take over the cooking anyways, I’m going insane.”
“Oh, so my cooking is that bad?” Eddie joked back.
“Okay, that’s so not what I meant, and you know it.”
“Yeah, I do.”
Hesitantly, Eddie started again. “Are you gonna be alright tonight? I know I’m right down the hall, but I can always sleep on the floor, or whatever. Really, it’s not a big deal.”
He wasn’t about to suggest sharing the bed. No, that was one step too far, at least for right now.
Buck sighed. “I don’t know how tonight’s gonna go, but you don’t need to do that. I know you’re within a few rooms of me, so you can just stay there. More comfortable, anyways.”
“Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind.”
…
He did not change his mind. Eddie was fully content with sleeping on the floor of Buck’s room, it probably would have brought him more comfort, anyway. But alas, he was back in the room, this time making sure to close the blinds.
Falling asleep came easier than it did after Buck’s episode, but Eddie still found himself tossing and turning around for a while before it actually did. If he was on Buck’s floor he would be able to hear his light snores, know that he was there, that he was okay, that he was safe. But he’s not. He’s rooms away.
Eddie knew in his heart that Buck was fine, and that he’d be fine, but there was still a small voice in the back of his head feeding into all of his worst nightmares. He was scared to awake the next morning to a Buck-less house, he was scared that he failed Buck, that even through all the lengths he took to find him, that it was all for nothing.
Similarly to the night prior, he found himself waking up in the middle of the night to screams coming from rooms away. He’ll forever hate himself for not pushing forward on his floor idea, as he would have been even just seconds closer to Buck.
Just as he did before, he ran in, turning on the light. This time, he wasted no time, pulling Buck into another tight embrace. “Shhh, you’re okay. It’s me, it’s Eddie.”
“Eddie–she was–she–I–” another string of words came out of Buck’s mouth, but it all amounted to nothing. He was scared, maybe less than the night prior, but it didn’t make Eddie’s heart break any less.
He thought for a minute, but this seemed to be his best bet. It worked last night, anyway.
Buck, still tightly wound in Eddie’s arms, started again after a few moments. “It–it was the same thing, I think. It’s like I keep having the same nightmare.”
“It’s okay, I’m here.”
Eddie knew he was just repeating the same four phrases over and over again, but he was truly at a loss for words. When Buck was panicking, it was like his brain short circuited. On the bright side, what he did manage to say seemed to be working.
Buck let go of the embrace much quicker this time, the episode seeming to be less severe. As Eddie went to go turn off the light, Buck spoke from behind him.
“Stay, please.”
Eddie nodded, turning back towards the room. “Okay, okay. Let me go grab some blankets, I’ll be right back.”
Buck shook his head. “No, not on the floor,” he patted the spot on the bed next to him. “Here. Please.”
Eddie simply nodded, slowly making his way back over to where he sat before, getting under the covers next to Buck.
As he began to lay down, Buck moved his arms around the closer of Eddie’s shoulders, clinging to him.
“Is–is this okay?”
Eddie’s brain had short circuited yet again, but he knew he had to get something out quickly, before Buck would jerk away.
“Yeah, ‘course.”
That seemed to suffice, as the two of them fell into a peaceful silence.
“Good night, Buck,” Eddie said after another minute.
“Night, Eddie.”
Turns out, sleeping closer to Buck did help him fall asleep faster.
…
Eddie awoke to the light sound of snoring in his ear. Turning his head slightly, he could see sunlight beginning to peek out from the shades. When he attempted to turn his head further to look at the clock on the bedside table, there was something blocking him.
Throughout the night, Buck had moved from simply clinging to his shoulder to wrapping himself around Eddie’s full body. He had his arms fully around his waist, legs tangled together, and his head was tucked into the crook of his neck, hence why Eddie couldn’t see the clock.
This was closer than they had ever been, by a long shot. Eddie, finally taking in his surroundings, took a deep breath. He was not about to panic over this. Not when it felt so right. He didn’t need to know what time it was, he was right where he wanted to be. Bringing his head back to where it was, he closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.
When he woke up for the second time, Buck was gone. That voice in the back of his head coming back to haunt him, Eddie jumped out of bed, running down the hallway to the kitchen. Whipping his head towards the noise in the room, there Buck was, making breakfast.
“Jesus Eddie, what’s wrong?” he said, concerned.
Eddie, still out of breath, took a sigh of relief. “You–sorry, you were gone when I woke up and, I–forget it, it’s nothing.”
Buck glared down at him with a slight smirk, ignoring the pancakes he was currently griddling. “Eddie.”
Eddie sat down at the island, putting his hands up. “I know, I know. I’m aware of how that may have looked.”
Buck turned back to flip the pancakes. “Well, I’ve got breakfast almost ready. Pancakes always cheer you up.”
Eddie smiled. He was so good. He didn’t know how he got so lucky with Buck. “How did you possibly find the ingredients in this house to make those?”
Plating the first batch, Buck laughed. “I have my ways.”
…
Buck had decided to go for a lemon cake to commemorate the beginning of spring, plus Hen always loved the ones Bobby would make for them. Between sitting and talking with Buck and washing the occasional dish, the three hours passed by in a flash for Eddie. Though the days had been dark for the both of them, Eddie would be lying if he said he wasn’t grateful for all the time he had spent with Buck. Being able to be there for Buck after all the times he had been there for him felt special, it felt like the thing he was meant to do.
Even just sitting across the table from him at dinner, listening to him engage in some conversation on Napa grapes with Hen and Karen was something he could have sat in forever. The evening sun was beaming down on him from where they sat on the backyard porch, everything felt so right.
“Alright, I’m gonna go wash some dishes, and I’ll be back with dessert,” Buck had said, after everyone had finished dinner.
“I’ll come help, I brought candles for the cake,” Karen replied, following him into the house. That just left Hen and Eddie outside.
“Glad you enjoyed your trip,” Eddie started. “Sorry we stressed you guys out with our whole ordeal.”
Hen chuckled. “Buck’s gonna Buck.”
“That he is.”
They shared a laugh, before it fell silent again.
“How’s he holding up?” Hen said after a moment.
Eddie sighed. “Okay, I think. It’s been hard, especially on him, but he’s strong. Been trying to get him to open up to me, but to be honest, I don’t think he’s fully opened up to himself.”
“Yeah, well you’re doing everything you can,” she replied with a smile. “No matter how he’s dealing with everything, I know he’s endlessly grateful to have you here with him.”
Eddie smiled. “I hope so.”
“And how are you doing?”
Eddie looked up, pondering the question for a moment. “Honestly, I’m still terrified. I woke up this morning thinking he was missing, he’s had a couple–nightmares, about the whole thing. I know I’m doing everything I can, but I worry it’s not enough.”
Hen put her hand over where his laid on the table. “Honey, I know you’re scared. We all are. But just take it one day at a time. That’s the only way things will get better.”
Eddie looked down, nodding. “I also, uh,” he started again. “I need to tell him.”
“Tell him what?”
He shifted his gaze up, looking Hen directly in the eyes. “Hen, you have to know. Know what I mean.”
Hen sighed. “Eddie, that man fought tooth and nail to make his way back to you, just like you did for him.”
Eddie could feel his eyes beginning to well up, but the tears had yet to fall.
“I know, I know. I have to, I just–what if it ruins everything? What if he never wants to talk to me again. He’s my best friend.”
“He’s your best friend. He’s Buck. Even if he doesn’t feel the same, there’s no chance he’d ever give up that friendship. Not when it’s come this far. But you’ll never know what it could be if you never try.”
Eddie looked back down and nodded, right as Buck came rushing back out the door. “Alright, cake’s coming out,” he said, before running back in.
Eddie turned back to Hen. “Thanks. Thanks for everything.”
Hen gave one final smile and a squeeze to his hand before letting go.
…
That conversation had been played over time and time again in Eddie’s head the whole evening. He thought about it during the movie that Buck had thrown on, while he was showering, and even after he had completed his nighttime routine. That man fought tooth and nail to make his way back to you. And the worst part was, it was true. Eddie didn’t even have an excuse to not tell Buck. Not one that was legitimate, anyways.
He made his way over to Buck’s room, seeing the other man plug his phone in and placing it down on his bedside table. Buck turned towards Eddie, who stood awkwardly in the doorway.
“Can you,” Buck started. “If you don’t mind–”
That was all he needed.
“Yeah, of course I can,” Eddie said, making his way over to Buck’s bed. Eddie had been going back and forth on whether he would be invited back to where he slept the night prior.
Buck beamed at Eddie’s reply. Even with limited words, they always understood one another. “Thanks, it uh, really helped last night,” Buck said bashfully.
It got quieter. Eddie turned off the lamp that was illuminating the room, and their small talk eventually faded out to nothingness. Staring at the ceiling, Eddie became aware of every small thing. He noticed Buck’s breathing evening out, the way one of his legs started curling inwards, the way his arms shifted to where they were last night.
“Buck, I–” Eddie started, before stopping to turn to the other man. He was out cold, peacefully breathing into Eddie’s shoulder. Turning his head back the other way, the love you went unsaid. He eventually drifted off to sleep.
…
From the moment Eddie woke up, he knew it was going to be one hell of a day. He was prone to spiraling, and he knew this wouldn’t go away until he did something about it. Walking out of the bedroom, there Buck was, making breakfast for the second day in a row. This time it was french toast.
“Morning!” he said cheerfully. “I’m branching out, haven’t made this in a while.”
“How did you sleep?” Eddie said, not remembering waking up once throughout the night.
“Soundly,” Buck said, smiling at him. “No nightmares at all.”
Eddie smiled back, taking a sigh of relief. “I–Buck, that’s fantastic.”
He sat at the island once again, dropping his head into his palm. Even with the news, he couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that had begun to overtake him. In his current view of the countertop, he could see a plate of french toast sliding into his periphery.
“Hey, you okay?” Buck said, looking down at him concerningly.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m good. Must be a headache or something.”
He looked at Buck, who didn’t seem overtly convinced. “Well take it easy today. Could still be a remnant of the concussion.”
Eddie nodded, and smiled up to him.
It had only gotten worse as the day went on.
They had decided to go to some local farmer’s market, since it was a Sunday. It was one of Buck’s favorite places, though it had been a while since his work calendar didn’t overlap with the hours. He mindlessly wandered through the stalls, Eddie trudging behind watchfully. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day to be out and about. He truly had no reason to still be stuck in his own head about everything. Buck had stopped to talk to nearly every stall owner, catching up on conversation with some of the ones he was more familiar with.
“Wasn’t this a great idea Eds?” he said, walking back towards their car.
“Mhm. Great.”
Buck turned back around, catching the tone in his voice. “Eddie, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little off, I guess.”
Buck didn’t push any further, but the look on his face didn’t subside.
“Glad you were able to get your produce though, we’ll have a plethora of leafy greens to choose from with dinner,” Eddie joked.
Buck gave out a half-convincing laugh. “Yeah, guess so.”
…
It was officially nighttime, and Eddie was pacing around Buck’s guest room. The tension between them had only gotten worse throughout the day, they got through dinner without a single word exchanged. He knew he had to face the noise, but he still didn’t know exactly what to say to Buck.
Walking into his room, Buck was looking back at him from where he sat on the bed. “You still okay sleeping here?”
That got a genuine chuckle out of Eddie, as he made his way over to the bed. “Buck, I figured you wouldn’t be as tentative about this by now.”
Buck laughed nervously, looking away from Eddie. “Yeah, just want to make sure you’re still good.”
“Always.”
They quieted down too quickly this time. As soon as Eddie sat down, it was silent. The lamp was still on, but he had resorted to his wall staring before even trying to engage in any further conversation. Still, he could feel eyes staring at him.
“Did I do something wrong?”
He jerked his gaze away from the wall to look at Buck, who was looking at him somberly.
“What, Buck? No, of course not.”
“Sorry, I–I know you said you were fine, but,” he paused. “You’ve been acting differently all day. More distant, or something.”
Eddie sighed. It was now or never.
“Do you remember those assholes at the diner?”
Buck nodded.
“Well, that was my original lead, when you went missing. I was really only at Bonnie’s place to ask her if she knew where to find them. It wasn’t until I saw the car that I even had a clue. I figured that those guys saw us, and,” he stopped, trying to find the right wording.
“–Got the wrong idea,” Buck finished.
“No, not the wrong idea Buck, never the wrong idea,” Eddie started again, knowing how that sounded. “I just figured they took it to the extreme after–assuming some things.”
Buck was silent beside him, so Eddie continued.
“And it wasn’t just them. That sheriff, that asshole sheriff, had assumed it was me who had killed you or whatever, but I don’t think that’s the whole reason he didn’t want to help me. When he started questioning me after I woke up, he also had instituted that you and I were–you know. But the thing was, I never corrected any of them. The guys at the bar, the sheriff. It was never important to me, and a part of me–maybe wanted it. Wanted them to think that, even if it made them all look down upon us.”
“Eddie–”
“And I think I have for a long time, felt that way. It was in New Mexico, at the auction, the club. Maybe even before that, but I needed to tell you. Couldn’t keep bottling it up.”
It was silent for a moment. Eddie pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head down in shame.
“When your car pulled up to the house, Bonnie’s first thought was to kill you.”
Eddie looked back up.
“She said there couldn’t be any more loose ends or anything, I don’t exactly remember. But I knew that I couldn’t let that happen, Chris needed you, the station needed you, so I gave in. Told her that I’d stay there, play the part for forever, so long as they left you alone. That’s when I realized.”
Tears were silently falling from Buck’s eyes. Eddie followed shortly after, at a loss for words.
“Buck, I–Christopher needs you too. The station does.”
A pause.
“I do.”
“I know, Eddie,” he replied, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I know, you’re gonna tell me it was stupid. Reckless, even. But it was all that mattered to me. I’d make the same decision time and time again.”
“I know. That’s why I love you.”
He said it. He had finally said it.
“You–you love me?” Buck said, seemingly shocked at the statement, though Eddie had basically already said it earlier.
“I do. I love you so much, it hurts. I would have rather collapsed in the middle of that fucking desert trying to get to you than give up. And I’d do it time and time again,” he said, echoing Buck’s words.
“I love you too,” he said, with just as much gravity.
Eddie laughed. “Really, because after that whole spiel, I was starting to doubt it,” he joked, causing Buck to join in on his laughter.
After another moment, it fell silent again. But this silence was different, it was void of unsolved tension, but full of anticipation for the future to come.
“So,” Buck started again. “Are you going to–”
Eddie cut him off before he could finish the sentence, finally kissing him.
Buck reciprocated almost immediately, right after the shock of the action wore off. He had kissed a lot of people in his lifetime, but none of them felt this good, this right. Of course it was Eddie, he thought. It could never have been anyone else.
They pulled away after a moment, looking into each others’ eyes with nothing but love and adoration.
“Oh, just to be clear,” Eddie started again. “I didn’t have a headache this morning.”
Buck’s face lit up and he laughed at that. “I figured as much.”
Their small talk that they had almost missed out on started to fill the room, the tiredness that they both felt becoming second priority. It could have been hours they sat there, talking about any minute thing either of them could think of.
When Eddie finally reached up to shut off the lamp, he felt himself being pulled back to the bed immediately after, Buck tangling himself around Eddie.
It was no wonder that morning gave him the best sleep he had ever gotten, this was pure magic. He had no longer wondered where he was meant to be, it was clearly right here.
“Night Buck, I love you.”
“I love you too, Eddie.”