Work Text:
He remembered the words Robby spoke to him on their last shift together. How he had basically told Dennis that he was going to end it. And what did Dennis do? Absolutely nothing. He gave a troubling look and then moved on because why would he try to meddle into his boss's business?
He remembered the horrible news reaching him.
Early in the morning shift he sat at a computer doing charts. Feeling groggy and tired, he barely registers Dana answering her phone. He faintly heard Abbot on the other line. He was frantic, fast and chaotic. Dana tells him to slow down and to take a deep breath.
Dennis was quickly taken away from his charts and was unashamedly staring at Dana’s back as she listened. There was no way he heard correctly. Abbot said gruffly with a croaking voice. “Dana he isn’t coming back he- he just- he didn’t talk to me before he did it.” The broken sentence was followed by sobs Dana tried to comfort the man whispering trying to keep the phone call on the low.
She quickly covered the phone and left to an unused trauma room for privacy. Dennis raised up out of his chair subconsciously. He followed her like a lost ghost. Completely confused on what he heard and what he should be doing.
He stood outside the trauma room for who knows how long. He knocked on the door instinctively when he heard her voice stop. He slid open the door slowly. Only stepping in a little, like he was scared to do so. Searching for Dana’s eyes.
The distraught look she gave him told him all he needed to know.
The context clues added up a little too perfectly for this to not be about Robby. He entered the room like he was in slow motion. The door shut behind him as he just stood. He was waiting for Dana to say something. For her to reassure him that Abbot was just talking about his dad or something. That this tragedy didn’t involve the Pitt at all. He needed her to remind him that everything was fine like she always did.
“I’m so sorry honey”
That's when something broke.
******
He went back home- to Robby’s home, feeling empty and ghost-like. When he unlocked the front door and walked in he could hardly focus. He had only been staying there for a few days so nothing was really out of order. Everything was almost just as perfect as it was when Robby left.
There was nothing out of place. It was too perfect.
Robby’s coat still hung by the door. His other pairs of shoes were neatly placed. Dennis absentmindedly wandered toward Robby’s bedroom, where he had been sleeping.
Now that he was gone, Dennis realized how weird it would be to stay in a dead man’s house. For free. Using his things.
There were still pictures by his bedside. Of Robby and Jake. Of a little Robby with his grandmother. The thought of little Robby hurting himself in the future caved a deep wound in Dennis.
He wasn’t close enough to Robby to be affected right? He wasn’t the first to know about his death nor was he good friends with Robby. It shouldn’t have mattered to him as much as it did. With his stomach rumbling and aching bones from the stress of the day he collapsed onto the bed. He didn’t bother to brush his teeth, change out of his scrubs, or pull the blanket over him. What would be the point anyway?
******
Dennis woke up numb and late. Dennis insisted that Trinity pick him up on the way to work even though she thought it was a bad idea. He gets ready in five minutes flat. He had the decency to change his scrubs since they had become completely rumpled in his sleep, and definitely still gross from his last shift. Looking at himself in the bathroom mirror made him realize how dark his under eyes were.
He decided then and there that he would avoid the idea of Robby for the day, deciding that if he had to process it, it can’t be at work.
He just had to get through the day.
Trinity gives him a look that was a little too close to pity when he gets into the car. “Did you eat anything this morning?” She asked. He isn’t up for conversation so he just tells her everything was fine and thinks about getting coffee in the break room.
When Dennis gets there it was already chaotic like usual. He enters the break room and spots Joy, he does not feel like talking so he completely ignores her
While his coffee was being made he heard Ogilvie’s loud voice enter the room. Dennis starts pouring his coffee in a paper cup.
He was barely paying attention until he hears someone say,
“Well apparently the guy offed himself.”
Something cold shocked through him. A reminder of what he had lost the day before. There was supposed to be no thinking about Robby allowed. That one sentence threw him back to yesterday afternoon. He turned, full body now facing directly to where Ogilvie was crouched next to Joy who was sitting. A phone was in his hand, showing her something.
He stares until his med student's brain catches up with him. The guy jumps when he spots Dennis', eyes just now recognizing that he was there. There must be somthing in Dennis face that said “Get the fuck away from me” because Ogilvie and Joy dont hesistate another second to leave the room.
He takes a deep breath centering himself for the day. He rubs his eyes, willing himself back to quiet indifference before he steps out of the break room. He was immediately called over for an announcement. His limbs were only slightly shaky on his way there. Dana was speaking.
"There has been a major loss of an attending here, just know-“ Dennis’s vision blurred. Quickly forgetting what he had promised himself he’d do for the day. Now everyone knows. There was no way of escaping something if it was a well known fact. He couldn’t process or even remember a lot of the stuff she said. Just that if anyone needed to talk, Kiara was here. And to most importantly go home if you need to, that your emotions cannot mix with your job.
He spends the next 4 hours drowning himself in work.
While Robby was gone on sabbatical- if he had even left -the shifts at the Pitt without him were regular. Dennis did miss him and he thought of him often day to day while walking in the same halls as he had. But since his body was found, there had been something seriously missing in the Pitt. It was like the lights went out. There was tension from everyone. No one spoke of him after it became public. It was a rough day for everyone.
Since a largely known attending that was trusted no longer worked there, there were problems with transferring patients. Dennis almost couldn’t handle taking in a long term patient of Robby who had nothing but nice things to say about him. It was almost too much for him to bear. The woman just kept saying.
“He was such an amazing doctor and man, I don’t understand how something like this happens to good people." Dennis just nodded agreeing it was horrible. Moving the conversation over quickly to her condition.
******
When Dennis gets to Robby’s home, he decides to take one of the last beers in Robby’s fridge. It wasn't like he was going to be drinking it anytime soon. He drinks slowly, getting the sudden courage to snoop. Something that he was avoiding doing in respect to Robby privacy before.
It didn't matter now.
He went to the one place he knew would had the most of Robby. His bedroom. There was a small desk, a bedside table, drawers for clothing and a closet. Various frames scattered on tabletops. A small dish sat next to Robby’s bedside table.
Dennis imagined Robby dropping his watch in the dish at the end of every long day. He holds it in his hands for a minute before moving on.
Dennis knows he shouldn’t but he looked through Robby’s drawers anyway. He opened the top drawer in his dresser and was surprised to find no clothing. There were various keepsakes, some that Dennis could tell were from Robby’s youth.
Dennis found a photo strip. A young Robby posed with his friends in each. Seeing his face without any sign of aging did something to Dennis. He stares for a long moment before moving on.
Next, he finds a medium sized Hebrew bible. Golden edged and well worn down. There was a jewelry case where he finds another Star of David, very similar to Robby's necklace but more dainty. A stack of papers sat in the corner of the drawer. There were various birthday cards given to him. Many from Abbot and one from Dana, many from people who Dennis didn’t know.
There were drawings obviously done by a child. Dennis can make out a badly organized man in the picture, something that could be a stethoscope around the man’s neck. Dennis assumed this must have been from when Jake was little. Dennis was sitting on the floor as he continued to scan the stack.
Trying to find more of Robby in a world where he no longer exists.
Just as he flips to the next page something slides from the stack and into his lap. It's a photograph. Dennis recognized it immediately. He remembered the specific day in the Pitt. It was right before Collin’s transfer, she insisted that everyone take pictures.
He remembers the texture of Robby’s exhale hitting his cheek. Mel takes their picture. Two faces smile at the camera. Dr Robby leaned up next to him, arm wrapped around his shoulder, lazily slung over Dennis' body.
He distinctly remembers the warmth of Robby close to him.
There was a pearly smile on Robby’s face, like he was actually happy.
His crows feet were more prominent, making Dennis' heart warm.
His arm was almost pulling Dennis closer to him. Like he didn't want him to escape.
Dennis gave the camera a small bashful smile, like he was slightly embarrassed by the touch. His hair was choppy, shorter. His overall frame was less bulky than it was now.
He realizes that this was the only photograph in the drawer, besides the photo strip. All the others were showcased around Robby's house. Robby had kept it hidden. The idea that he had kept this photo like it was a secret made Dennis want to curl into himself.
He lets the stack fall to the floor. Staring at the photo, staring into Robby.
As Dennis recalls every interaction they ever had, he realizes that maybe he wasn't as delusional as he thought. Maybe there were some interactions that were a little more than friendly. Maybe Robby cared more than he ever showed.
As he looked at their happy unknowing faces he felt a loss of something greater than a mentor or friend. He stares deeper into his brown eyes. This was his first time seeing the Robby he knew since he had lost him. He was still for a moment his breath catching with every exhale.
He was trying to keep himself together. His hands grip tighter onto the photograph, lips wobbling.
He never got to tell Robby how he felt.
He never even got the chance to get his hopes up.
His top half curls over, feeling the support of gravity leave. He thought that if he could stay there long enough he would wake up, and everything would be back to normal, but nothing happened. The first tears came down slowly like his body forgot how to express anything at all. He couldn’t stop them and the whole structure holding him together broke.
******
The morning of the funeral did nothing to help his spiraling thoughts.
He laid in bed dreading going through Robby’s closet to see if there were any suits that would fit him. He stares at the picture next to him on the nightstand. Robby was acting relatively fine his whole last shift, that was the problem. It’s not like he depended on anyone else. The last time Robby needed Dennis was in peds and even then he was extremely embarrassed by the aspect of it all.
Robby once told Dana that his life wouldn't be worth living without his job. Dennis guessed that sabbatical really was the final straw. Dennis rolled himself out of bed dreading having to listen to Robby's loved ones speak about him.
Robby's closet was small but managed to fit a lot of clothing. He finds two suits that could work. One of them was navy, the other black. He unhung the black one deciding that it would fit him well enough. There was something unsettling about wearing the man's clothing to his funeral, but Dennis had nothing respectable to wear.
His eyes drifted back to the clothing. He spots a hoodie that Robby had stopped wearing awhile ago.
His fingers brush it gently first, delicate and fearful that it would turn to dust in his grasp. With some hesitance in fear of causing another spiral without him, he lifts the clothing to his nose, taking a deep inhale.
It wasn't a specific scent that Dennis could name. It was just purely Robby, along with some dust from the closet. The smell took him back to their last conversation. Their last shift together.
Robby had told him to meet him before he left so he could give him keys and his security code. It didn’t end up being the end of shift. In passing, Robby caught him and handed him the keys so casually Dennis couldn’t believe it.
Robby got close to his ear, breath brushing him when he said he would text him the security code later. Later that night Dennis was sent the code along with the address.
Robby ended the message with “make yourself at home.” Something so simple yet Dennis had reread that message more times than he can count.
He took a deep breath, it was time to accept that this was his reality now. He had to go to this funeral and be prepared to feel the weight of everything on him. Just the thought makes him feel guilty. He was not the most important person in Robby’s life. He shouldn’t be acting like he was Robby’s world cause he wasn’t, he never would be.
******
Trinity picks him up at one thirty. He was already comfortably dressed in Robby’s suit which turned out to be slightly big on him.
The photo of them together tucked into his breast pocket over his heart.
The drive there was a blur. When he gets there he was surprised to find a larger crowd than expected. Patients, friends, coworkers from years of work stood while family and close friends sat up front. He spotted Jake in the front row and thought back to the drawing he found in Robby’s room.
All around him he could only hear stories about Robby. Everyone was talking about him. How he saved their child, how he worked extra time to keep a patient from coding. That Robby had always been there when they needed him. Dennis felt sick. He turns to his left, seeing Al-Hashimi standing near the back. Dennis wondered if her sudden work at the Pitt made Robby feel inferior. Maybe that whole shift made him feel worthless.
The thought of Robby suffering in silence like that day in Peds made Dennis sick inside, in a way that felt far too heavy for him to carry. He only snapped out of it when he spotted a rabbi, he was on the stand and soon started a short prayer. Dennis wonders if Robby would had wanted his funeral like this.
It was outside, green grass the most vibrant color in sight. A simple wooden closed casket in the front of all the seats. After the rabbi was done, Abbot took the podium. He spoke of Robby like he was a brother not a friend. He spoke of the strength and courage it took for Robby to keep showing up for his patients even when he struggled. He reminded everyone that Robby’s death did not define him. Dennis' hands wrung together in front of him. A hand clasped onto his, making the shakiness of his whole body more obvious. Would Robby had wanted him on the stand? His hand reached up to the photo. Holding his palm close around it, making sure it was still there.
Soon enough the eulogy was over. Dennis had mostly dissociated for a good period of it. The casket was lowered to the ground. Guests were now taking turns shoveling dirt into the grave. Trinity's arm wrapped around his like a lead. Like she moved his body for him. Soon enough they were up next.
Trinity goes first, taking the shovel and with a beat shoveled some in. Dennis was next. Trinity held the tool towards him. He stared at it for a moment, eyes darting up to hers. Quickly reading that she was telling him it was his turn. His eyes darted to the wooden casket now almost completely covered in dirt.
He tried to picture Robby but it wouldn’t stick. That version of Robby, didn't exist anymore. He couldn’t imagine doing this. That-
A warm arm around him broke him from his mind. How long had he been lost in his thoughts? A deep embarrassment bloomed in him. He missed his chance. He couldn’t even do that for Robby. It was just a shovel and he ran from it.
He felt tears bubble in his eyes. Trinity squeezes him closer to her for a moment whispering something reassuring. She grasps his palm and opens it, giving him something. A rock small and imperfect sat in his palm. The guests who had gotten rocks, waited until the grave was completely full with dirt. Gently placing their stone over the grave with a look of remembrance.
Eventually Trinity asks him if he wants to go up yet. He shakes his head, eyes still pointed to the ground as everyone wraps up their goodbyes. Eventually there was only a few people around him.
Trinity whispers “Find me when you're ready” and then walked away from his vision. The rabbi leaves. The chairs somehow get folded and taken away. The podium was dismantled. The grave had stones already resting on top. He can’t tell how long he had been there, but there was no evidence of a funeral to begin with. The grave was the only thing left behind.
Dennis curled his fingers over his stone, quietly stepping closer. His pebble was exactly the same as all the other pebbles, but his felt like it was weighing him down. This was his way of saying goodbye. This was where he had to let go of him. He places his stone so gently that you’d think he was handling his own heart instead.
“I’m sorry I didn't say anything.” He whispers.
He let his fingers linger for a moment remembering every single moment with Robby that meant something to him.
He breaths. Standing up from his crouch and walking away before he was there for longer than was healthy. That’s when the strangest thing happened.
Dennis paused. His subconscious told him to turn around.
To take one last look.
He couldn’t help himself when it came to Robby.
One look over the shoulder was all it took to gain his full attention again. In the middle of all the rocks, a small barely noticeable light shone. Dennis blinked hard, shutting his eyes for a slow moment before he peeked again. Willing himself to see things normally again did not work.
The stone was actually glowing.
His stone.
Dennis felt frozen in fear. The light expanded within seconds. Before Dennis could even think about running, the light consumed him completely.
******
Dennis wakes slumped over in a chair, groggy and confused. The hazy fluorescent lights paint his skin. He first smells antiseptic. The first thing he laid his eyes upon was a hotdog in front of him. The familiar break room was the next thing he made sense of.
He was sat at the table, the dummy sitting across from him. Which didn't make any sense considering it had been taken out of the break room for learning purposes. Hewasin his work scrubs and his stomach groaned with hunger. He panics. Every single thing that could be wrong with him crossed his mind but nothing made sense. He checks his phone, almost skipping over the date for the time when he freezes.
It was Robby's last shift.
There had to be something wrong with his phone. Maybe everything had been a dream. As he takes a bite into his hotdog still contemplating. He hears a patient scream through the door. The same exact scream from that day. He can’t stomach his food anymore.
If he looked, would Robby be there? He sits ruler straight trying to rationalize when footsteps grow closer. The door hand turns. Unlike last time Dennis stares right at the door until it reveals a person.
Robby enters the room, eyes already up and searching for Dennis. Dennis freezes. Robby must be surprised that Dennis was already looking at him because his steps falter for a moment, self conscious.
“Really great work earlier today, doctor,” he said, stepping closer to hand Dennis his new badge. He had already gotten his badge from Robby. This moment had already happened. He was at Robby’s funeral and now he’s here at work with him, alive and smiling.
Dennis does not let his eyes stray from the man.
He must have imagined the whole funeral. If he hadn’t then he was dead too, or horribly hallucinating.
Dennis remembered his response to the familiar words. “Uhh- you can just call me Whitaker” he fumbles.
Robby sat in front of him at the table. “not a chance. You earned that. I’m proud of you.” He nods his head in reassurance, then clarifies. -We all are” despite the circumstances, he still felt pride.
“Thank you” Dennis replies, eyes flashing away from Robby. He didn't understand why this was happening. Robby had just been buried. He shut that thought down, all that he needed to know was that Robby was in front of him alive.
“Busy day” Robby said, Dennis replies “Always is.”
“So you're a very empathetic soul.” Robby gives Dennis almost the same lecture about having boundaries as he had before he was gone. As they talk more he starts to think how this could last. Robby thinks for a moment
“Hey, you want to do me a favor?” Dennis responds, “Yeah” like it was a no brainer. He found himself knowing what Robby was going to offer before he even spoke.
“You want to house-sit for me while I’m gone? You’d actually be helping me out,” he continues. “and you could save some money on rent.” Dennis finds himself not knowing what to say.
If this was real, would saying yes again lead to Robby dying? He could feel the ‘no’ forming on his lips before he looked at Robby’s expression. It was hopeful and had a vulnerability that wasn't often there.
“Yeah that would be amazing” Robby smiled “No smoking, no pastries, no pets, no babies, your or anybody else’s.” Dennis gives a small smile "I don't have a baby”
“No, but she does.” Dennis bites his lip at the obvious hint that Amy wasn't allowed around. But then he hears Robby’s next words.
“If I don't come back, you got a swinging bachelor pad.” Dennis' smile drops. Robby must notice this cause he suddenly sits more upright and was searching in Dennis eyes for a clue of what he was thinking.
After Dennis stayed silent, Robby stood up and started to head to the door. The finality in his voice was like the last nail in the coffin.
Dennis jumped from his seat so fast that it tumbled backward.
He was suddenly so close to Robby that he could touch him. He shuts the door swiftly, cutting off his exit.
He grasped his arm with both hands. Grasping so tight Robby looked genuinely shocked. “Please don’t leave- don’t leave me. Y- you had to come back we need you” there were tears sprung in his eyes. Desperately searching both eyes for any confirmation.
Robby's eyes widened at the sight of tears in his eyes. “I’m fine-“
Dennis interrupted,“If you're struggling, please just talk to someone. I’m- I’m here to talk and there are specialists. We can get Kiara if you need it to be private but you cannot keep going like this.”
Robby's eyes were glued to him. He was processing the words trying to understand how Dennis could have possibly known his plans.
“Dennis what-“ His lips pursed, brows furrowing. One of Dennis’s hands slid down to hold onto Robby’s. Roughly putting pressure on his skin to keep both of them in this moment.
“Please Robby” Dennis lifts Robby’s larger hand to his face. Nuzzling it forward against his nose and mouth. Eyes shut in anguish. Dennis felt the rough movement of a hand placed at the back of his head. Pulling him forward and into warmth.
He was nuzzling against Robby’s chest now. The hand he had previously been holding now clasped onto the back of his neck. Dennis heard soft sobs coming from the man. The only signs being the uneven weight of breaths. Dennis felt Robby’s weight suddenly drop. He held onto him as they collapsed to the floor, he whispered "I see you, I’m here, I’m not leaving.” Wrapping his arms around Robby to keep him as close and as safe as possible. Robby’s face quickly found solace in the crook of Dennis neck, stethoscope in the way.
All Dennis did was hold his arms around the man and be there for him with whatever he needed. They stayed there. Both shaking and heaped onto each other, too exhausted to move.
It wasn't until Robby whispered into Dennis' ear “I’m sorry” that Dennis felt relief. Peace washed over him, and for the first time in days, he let himself breathe.